Anyone have a mother who likes to be stabby on your Birthday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom got very angry when she “didn’t hear from” my brother on HIS birthday. My brother is a 54, married father of 3. How did I know she was angry? She called me to say how disappointed she was and how she’d just never heard of a “child” not reaching out to his mother on his birthday.

Annual tradition in my family. But my mom won’t call. She’ll just passive aggressively text a few days later and say “I didn’t hear from you on your birthday so I couldn’t wish you happy birthday.” I get OP’s same rotation of nastygram birthday cards and emails on random years, too.

I am a twin from a time when they weren’t common and I’ve always wondered if my mom started as a narcissist or if the attention of having twins was what put her over the edge. She hated us getting older and still seeks out situations where she can be known as “the mom of The Twins.” We are in our 50s.

Happy birthday, OP.

Was it helpful to have a twin in your situation? Vs. Having a non-twin sibling or being a single?

It’s the only life I ever had, but no, I’d say it was worse than being an only child. I’m only slowly dipping into understand my mom’s mental problems, but the ways she played us off of each other and used our gender difference to heighten those games was really messed up. In some ways it would have been easier to be an only and not have to witness someone else being treated better. It would have also eliminated the triangulation that my mom used to keep everyone prancing in circles around her. I did used to fantasize about an older sibling who would rescue me, but the reality probably would have been complicated.

As adults, my twin and I are not close. My mom’s manipulations put too much distance between us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom got very angry when she “didn’t hear from” my brother on HIS birthday. My brother is a 54, married father of 3. How did I know she was angry? She called me to say how disappointed she was and how she’d just never heard of a “child” not reaching out to his mother on his birthday.

Annual tradition in my family. But my mom won’t call. She’ll just passive aggressively text a few days later and say “I didn’t hear from you on your birthday so I couldn’t wish you happy birthday.” I get OP’s same rotation of nastygram birthday cards and emails on random years, too.

I am a twin from a time when they weren’t common and I’ve always wondered if my mom started as a narcissist or if the attention of having twins was what put her over the edge. She hated us getting older and still seeks out situations where she can be known as “the mom of The Twins.” We are in our 50s.

Happy birthday, OP.

Was it helpful to have a twin in your situation? Vs. Having a non-twin sibling or being a single?

It’s the only life I ever had, but no, I’d say it was worse than being an only child. I’m only slowly dipping into understand my mom’s mental problems, but the ways she played us off of each other and used our gender difference to heighten those games was really messed up. In some ways it would have been easier to be an only and not have to witness someone else being treated better. It would have also eliminated the triangulation that my mom used to keep everyone prancing in circles around her. I did used to fantasize about an older sibling who would rescue me, but the reality probably would have been complicated.

As adults, my twin and I are not close. My mom’s manipulations put too much distance between us.

Makes sense. I thought maybe it could have been better that you had each other, if she left you two alone to take care of each other. But of course not. I am youngest of three kids. The older ones were not in any position to rescue, we had our roles and the triangulation kept us resentful and jealous of each other. One kid would be singled out as the one to pick on, and we'd go along with it, because we were children!! We have good relationships now, but not as close as you'd wish sisters to be.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, OP. It's awful that she does this and that it probably generates anticipatory anxiety around your bday. I have a similar mother and in the past few years I have treated her like a more distant relative. Polite approach with her, but also not willing to give her more time or attention than she deserves. Maybe this year you do something that absolutely overrides the attention seeking/manipulative behavior. Treat yourself!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh gawd, the Cut Them Off! contingent is out in full force today.

OP, ignore these drama queens who don't want your best interest any more than your mom appears to want it on your birthday. Surely you can handle your problems in direct conversation with your mother.

I think most people are assuming that OP has already tried addressing this with her mother. The kind of mental illness OP is describing doesn't pop up overnight. Why would you assume she hasn't? You openly admit that her mother doesn't have her best interests. What kind of mother doesn't have her child's best interests, especially on her birthday? Doesn't that seem sick to you? Do you really think people with mentally ill family members need to be told to "try to have a direct conversation"?

Direct conversation, hahaha.

Daughter: Mom, I've noticed that you have done x, y, and z on my past birthdays, and that makes me feel [names her emotion]. I'd like you to instead [names what she wants].
Mom: I did not do any of that! You are making things up.
Daughter: OK, here's the card you sent me in which you said I am ungrateful and undeserving of birthday wishes.
Mom: [Refuses to look at the evidence.] Why are you always attacking me? I told you I didn't do that.
Daughter: I just showed you the card.
Mom: If you weren't always being so belligerent with me, perhaps I could say something nice on your birthday! What about when you did [names some childhood offense on daughter's part]. You have always been an ungrateful child! I don't know what I did to deserve having such an unloving, ungrateful child! I gave you so much, and you ruined my life! I might as well die now! I bet you'd like it if I died! Well, I won't give you the pleasure!
Daughter: OK, I have to leave now.
Mom: Everyone always leaves me! You don't love me at all! Come back here right now! I said RIGHT NOW [as if the daughter is a child].

So if you would enjoy having the above conversation over and over with some variations, go ahead and try direct conversation! The above exchange goes better than most because the daughter has learned to walk away and not engage in the craziness, but most younger women will not have developed the skills.

I didn't know I had a sister.

My mom was visiting last month and started verbally attacking me out of nowhere. It sounded liked she was blaming me for her divorce from my father when I was a very young child or something like that. I had no idea what she was talking about. Then she cried.

That was 40 years ago. My dad's remarried, she remarried (and is now widowed for 10 years). Get the f over your first husband forever ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh gawd, the Cut Them Off! contingent is out in full force today.

OP, ignore these drama queens who don't want your best interest any more than your mom appears to want it on your birthday. Surely you can handle your problems in direct conversation with your mother.

I think most people are assuming that OP has already tried addressing this with her mother. The kind of mental illness OP is describing doesn't pop up overnight. Why would you assume she hasn't? You openly admit that her mother doesn't have her best interests. What kind of mother doesn't have her child's best interests, especially on her birthday? Doesn't that seem sick to you? Do you really think people with mentally ill family members need to be told to "try to have a direct conversation"?

Why would you assume OP HAS tried to address this with her mother? She's said nothing about that. An assumption hasn't tried is more credible than your assumption that she tried to work it out with mom--OP would have mentioned that.

You're clearly not qualified to give family advice to anybody. You certainly shouldn't be offering family-shattering advice to total strangers.

How about this: why don't you ask OP if she's tried talking directly to mom about it. Or you could suggest OP work with a therapist on the best approach.

And if OP tried but failed to work it out with mom, then the first step would be to ignore mom on her birthday. Instead of your default "cut off her head!" Truly, you're offering horrible, family-shattering advice here. I posted above about my own mom being mean on my birthdays, and I found the refusing to pick up the phone on my birthday and for a few days after that defused the situation very well.

First of all, take a breath and realize there are multiple people posting in this thread. You have no idea what I have posted.

Secondly, you accuse others of being dramatic. Look at your language. "Cut off her head"? Horrible, "family shattering" advice? Come on.

Thirdly, it's absolutely more reasonable to assume that somebody has tried the obvious when dealing with a family member with an illness, mental or otherwise. It's incredibly self centered and ableist to assume that no one but yourself would think to try the obvious solution first.

Fourth, OP is a grown woman, perfectly capable of evaluating all the feedback she is getting. She knows therapy exists. Yet she has chosen to post here. I have faith in her. Why don't you? Why are you so threatened?

What is cutting your mother off if not "family shattering"? Some of you are mentally ill.

I'm not threatened. I'm concerned that drama queens like you are trying to destroy families when working it out and negotiating are possible options.

Our families are larger than just our mothers?

[Anonymous]

My mother used to tell me every birthday how it was her big day first and foremost and not mine, and how I should be giving her gifts and birthday wishes.
Thankfully she is in heaven now, and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief.