Advice on "sharey" older relatives

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

[Anonymous]

I just get up and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. My ILs are known gossips and Tragedy Vultures. I told my husband that of course I won’t tell other adults not to gossip or delight in the misfortune of others, but I won’t be in the same room when that is happening. He understands.

My ILs ask me lots of questions and seem miffed and bemused that I don’t tell them much. Hey—I know if you’ll gossip to me, you’ll gossip about me. You get nothing of substance from me.

[Anonymous]

Surely it's obvious? They have nothing to fill their time with. Of course they're going to seek out drama in real life, when TV and screentime gets a bit boring.

Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. This is why people wind up alone when they age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

Then why isn’t it ever positive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

DP

I love this quote. OP, cross stitch it on pillows and hand out as gifts to offending relatives.

[Anonymous]

Did you really type “sharey” in your title? 👀

[Anonymous]

It’s annoying but I think a lot of people do this as they age. Honestly though it could be a lot worse. I’d rather listen to a half hour long discussion on cousin Barb’s cancer diagnosis and hospitalizations than listen to my older relatives talk about politics and the latest Fox News talking points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

Then why isn’t it ever positive?

HA this is the question. My mom is ALWAYS regaling me with sob stories about former neighbors, people I haven't seen in 20 years, and she doesn't even care that I am clearly bored to death. I think it makes them feel better about their own lives. I got pretty offended when she was telling me ALL about an ex-neighbor's burnout son and she felt the need to comment "I'm so glad I was a SAHM and made sure my kids turned out better" knowing perfectly well that I work.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t like what people talk about leave the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. My ILs are known gossips and Tragedy Vultures. I told my husband that of course I won’t tell other adults not to gossip or delight in the misfortune of others, but I won’t be in the same room when that is happening. He understands.

My ILs ask me lots of questions and seem miffed and bemused that I don’t tell them much. Hey—I know if you’ll gossip to me, you’ll gossip about me. You get nothing of substance from me.

That is the perfect word for it. The sad thing is when they have their own misfortune, they refuse to share with friends and expect their adult children to be their own support system. My mom is a total gossip, but refused to get outside support-tell friends, get therapy, join support group as dad was declining so she just lashed out at me nonstop and as I set boundaries she descended into madness until I convinced her to reach out some. She was willing to tell one friend she felt she had control over and that helped her so much for a while until she drove that friend nuts because she wouldn't spread things out.

These days I refuse to humor her with the stuff I think is unhealthy. My mom gets this strange excitement in her voice when she is about to share major gossip about someone's misfortune.

[Anonymous]

sorry only not own