Advice on "sharey" older relatives

[Anonymous]

I have this issue and here is what I said:

“Hey mom I know you really enjoy the story about Cindy’s granddaughters constipation, but in my mind that’s gossip and I’d be embarrassed if someone talked about my granddaughters bowel movements to strangers. I’m trying to teach my kids not to gossip so please don’t repeat stories like this around us.”

[Anonymous]

Ignore it. None of these people being discussed are being hurt. Try to get your relatives interested in topics you think are more interesting. You sound insufferable and annoying. And no, these are not my chosen topics either, but whatever, people who are older don’t have as many daily interactions that lead to new topics of conversation and they tend to find illnesses and other people drama interesting, so what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore it. None of these people being discussed are being hurt. Try to get your relatives interested in topics you think are more interesting. You sound insufferable and annoying. And no, these are not my chosen topics either, but whatever, people who are older don’t have as many daily interactions that lead to new topics of conversation and they tend to find illnesses and other people drama interesting, so what.

NP.

“So what” is my ILs discussing my SIL’s MS diagnosis broadly with extended family when she had explicitly asked us (her parents, her brother and me, the only people she chose to share it with) not to discuss it with anyone.

“So what” is my parents telling all of their friends that my brother is gay when my brother had only told parents/siblings and had specifically asked us not to discuss it with anyone, and that he would be telling other people in his way, on his terms, in his own time.

“So what” is my aunt spreading literal misinformation about a diagnosis her daughter received, making the entire family think she had an “elective” late-term abortion when in fact it was the opposite of her choice.

That’s “so what.” Ignoring the expressed wishes of people when it comes to private information, and spreading misinformation. That is so what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. My ILs are known gossips and Tragedy Vultures. I told my husband that of course I won’t tell other adults not to gossip or delight in the misfortune of others, but I won’t be in the same room when that is happening. He understands.

My ILs ask me lots of questions and seem miffed and bemused that I don’t tell them much. Hey—I know if you’ll gossip to me, you’ll gossip about me. You get nothing of substance from me.

And the in law bashing begins. So unoriginal. Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this issue and here is what I said:

“Hey mom I know you really enjoy the story about Cindy’s granddaughters constipation, but in my mind that’s gossip and I’d be embarrassed if someone talked about my granddaughters bowel movements to strangers. I’m trying to teach my kids not to gossip so please don’t repeat stories like this around us.”

Sure you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. My ILs are known gossips and Tragedy Vultures. I told my husband that of course I won’t tell other adults not to gossip or delight in the misfortune of others, but I won’t be in the same room when that is happening. He understands.

My ILs ask me lots of questions and seem miffed and bemused that I don’t tell them much. Hey—I know if you’ll gossip to me, you’ll gossip about me. You get nothing of substance from me.

And the in law bashing begins. So unoriginal. Get a life.

Finding gossip distasteful is “bashing”? Having the common sense to know that if someone gossips to you, they gossip about you is “bashing”? LOL. OK, thanks bitter, gossipy oldster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. This is why people wind up alone when they age.

+1

Not knowing when to shut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. My ILs are known gossips and Tragedy Vultures. I told my husband that of course I won’t tell other adults not to gossip or delight in the misfortune of others, but I won’t be in the same room when that is happening. He understands.

My ILs ask me lots of questions and seem miffed and bemused that I don’t tell them much. Hey—I know if you’ll gossip to me, you’ll gossip about me. You get nothing of substance from me.

That is the perfect word for it. The sad thing is when they have their own misfortune, they refuse to share with friends and expect their adult children to be their own support system. My mom is a total gossip, but refused to get outside support-tell friends, get therapy, join support group as dad was declining so she just lashed out at me nonstop and as I set boundaries she descended into madness until I convinced her to reach out some. She was willing to tell one friend she felt she had control over and that helped her so much for a while until she drove that friend nuts because she wouldn't spread things out.

These days I refuse to humor her with the stuff I think is unhealthy. My mom gets this strange excitement in her voice when she is about to share major gossip about someone's misfortune.

+1

MIL too - so gross! Can we talk about something other than other peoples I don’t know’s health?? Please!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore it. None of these people being discussed are being hurt. Try to get your relatives interested in topics you think are more interesting. You sound insufferable and annoying. And no, these are not my chosen topics either, but whatever, people who are older don’t have as many daily interactions that lead to new topics of conversation and they tend to find illnesses and other people drama interesting, so what.

NP.

“So what” is my ILs discussing my SIL’s MS diagnosis broadly with extended family when she had explicitly asked us (her parents, her brother and me, the only people she chose to share it with) not to discuss it with anyone.

“So what” is my parents telling all of their friends that my brother is gay when my brother had only told parents/siblings and had specifically asked us not to discuss it with anyone, and that he would be telling other people in his way, on his terms, in his own time.

“So what” is my aunt spreading literal misinformation about a diagnosis her daughter received, making the entire family think she had an “elective” late-term abortion when in fact it was the opposite of her choice.

That’s “so what.” Ignoring the expressed wishes of people when it comes to private information, and spreading misinformation. That is so what.

I was responding to the OP, and none of her examples were remotely similar to yours. Perhaps you should start your own thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

DP

Oh please. You can't tell me that Eleonor Roosevelt or anyone else talks about ideas all the time! Benjamin Franklin was famous for his sayings but, what you don't know is he didn't actually follow them! I am sure Eleanor Roosevelt as a human discussed what was happenign with relatives, friends, etc. It does not mean yo are a "vulture" Just human! Unless you are saying I am glad someone has cancer...this is just normal conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore it. None of these people being discussed are being hurt. Try to get your relatives interested in topics you think are more interesting. You sound insufferable and annoying. And no, these are not my chosen topics either, but whatever, people who are older don’t have as many daily interactions that lead to new topics of conversation and they tend to find illnesses and other people drama interesting, so what.

NP.

“So what” is my ILs discussing my SIL’s MS diagnosis broadly with extended family when she had explicitly asked us (her parents, her brother and me, the only people she chose to share it with) not to discuss it with anyone.

“So what” is my parents telling all of their friends that my brother is gay when my brother had only told parents/siblings and had specifically asked us not to discuss it with anyone, and that he would be telling other people in his way, on his terms, in his own time.

“So what” is my aunt spreading literal misinformation about a diagnosis her daughter received, making the entire family think she had an “elective” late-term abortion when in fact it was the opposite of her choice.

That’s “so what.” Ignoring the expressed wishes of people when it comes to private information, and spreading misinformation. That is so what.

I was responding to the OP, and none of her examples were remotely similar to yours. Perhaps you should start your own thread.

The point is, no one should EVER discuss medical matters unless they have directly asked and been told that they may discuss medical issues with others. Medical information is private. The fact that you have to be told that is concerning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore it. None of these people being discussed are being hurt. Try to get your relatives interested in topics you think are more interesting. You sound insufferable and annoying. And no, these are not my chosen topics either, but whatever, people who are older don’t have as many daily interactions that lead to new topics of conversation and they tend to find illnesses and other people drama interesting, so what.

NP.

“So what” is my ILs discussing my SIL’s MS diagnosis broadly with extended family when she had explicitly asked us (her parents, her brother and me, the only people she chose to share it with) not to discuss it with anyone.

“So what” is my parents telling all of their friends that my brother is gay when my brother had only told parents/siblings and had specifically asked us not to discuss it with anyone, and that he would be telling other people in his way, on his terms, in his own time.

“So what” is my aunt spreading literal misinformation about a diagnosis her daughter received, making the entire family think she had an “elective” late-term abortion when in fact it was the opposite of her choice.

That’s “so what.” Ignoring the expressed wishes of people when it comes to private information, and spreading misinformation. That is so what.

I was responding to the OP, and none of her examples were remotely similar to yours. Perhaps you should start your own thread.

The point is, no one should EVER discuss medical matters unless they have directly asked and been told that they may discuss medical issues with others. Medical information is private. The fact that you have to be told that is concerning.

Well, at least one of the examples was a news story, are the relatives not allowed to discuss that? Another one was about non-related kids dropping out of college and another was some random coworkers relative — if any of that was private the relatives would not know enough to discuss it in the first place! OP came to get sympathy and a ice, so these were her very best examples. OP (and you) just want to judge and control other people’s (admittedly dull, but again, so what) conversations to feel superior. No one was hurt or affected by those conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. This is why people wind up alone when they age.

This is definitely a both sides thing. If you unintentionally choose topics that the people around you don’t find compelling AND if you routinely “just get up and walk away”, you’re likely to wind up alone. Actually, the “ just get up and walk away” crew are probably more likely to end up alone — even before they “age”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. This is why people wind up alone when they age.

This is definitely a both sides thing. If you unintentionally choose topics that the people around you don’t find compelling AND if you routinely “just get up and walk away”, you’re likely to wind up alone. Actually, the “ just get up and walk away” crew are probably more likely to end up alone — even before they “age”.

Nope, the “get up and walk away” people are the same ones who find and make their own families, instead of relying on blood ties. “My people” are my chosen people—some family members, and some friends and neighbors—not the blood relatives or ILs with whom I have virtually nothing in common and who, frankly, are toxic.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don’t see what is so bad about those discussions your relatives are having. As long as they are not being outright mean or derogatory, these are fine topics.

Even if I was the subject of one of those topics. I wouldn’t care. Why does OP need to outrage?