Advice on "sharey" older relatives

[Anonymous]

They are addicted to tragedy porn. That's what it is.

[Anonymous]

Do you prefer politics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's a sign of insecurity -- they trash others to make themselves feel better.

Can you imagine how they'd react if you did the same thing, but discussed a REALLY successful friend or relative that you know they're insanely envious of?

Try that little project next time... "Hey, I hear Joe got a 57' Corvette?? That's amazing. Those cars are super expensive & hot! How was Kathy's trip to the South of France this past summer?
I'm sure her pictures were beautiful. I heard she's buying a beach house too?".

If they ask you WHY you're bringing them up, just say "well, whenever we talk, all you discuss are negative or bad things... you almost seem to be happy when discussing them? What's that called again? Schadenfreude? I'm just trying to even out your negativity with some positive".

For every negative story they bring up, I'd discuss the positives of someone I know they' were envious of -- them sit back and watch them implode.

Keep that pattern up and they'll quickly stop.

I like this approach. Thank you, pp, especially as thanksgiving comes soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you prefer politics?

Those are your only two topics of conversation? Gossip or politics?

[Anonymous]

My ILs are such tragedy, health and financial doomsday pornographers! What else is there to talk about besides emergency c sections, pre eclampsia, cancer diagnoses, the current status of a widow’s retirement account….

I’ve tried to infuse some levity but they lose interest.

It’s a combo of self-absorption, narrow worldview, lack of interest in current events, self imposed isolation, fear of dying,
narcissistic traits, low intelligence. They’ve been like this forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

The news

Food, cooking, restaurants

Travel

Places you visited locally including museums, etc.

Movies

Books

What the college students at the table are studying

What you studied in school and how it relates to what you do now for work

Happy events in peoples’ lives

I have a question for you. If your mom found out your close aunt has cancer and did not tell you because " you don't gossip or you think it is tragedy porn" how would you feel?

Also on my family we do share the successes of people too! Katie graduated college and got a dream job etc etc.

If I were your family I would stop sharing all news and see how you react at not knowing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are such tragedy, health and financial doomsday pornographers! What else is there to talk about besides emergency c sections, pre eclampsia, cancer diagnoses, the current status of a widow’s retirement account….

I’ve tried to infuse some levity but they lose interest.

It’s a combo of self-absorption, narrow worldview, lack of interest in current events, self imposed isolation, fear of dying,
narcissistic traits, low intelligence. They’ve been like this forever.

You are so wrong. People have been sharing news for ever. Passing on news helps by sometimes being a cautionary tale or ways to help each other...Aunt t Susie has cancer so let's make her meals or drive her to the appointments.

[Anonymous]

My mom does this. I also realized that if she gossips to me that she also gossips about me. I don't tell her anything I don't want the world to know. It completely blew up when she felt compelled to post about my labor complications on FB to hundreds of people--play by play. When I found out I told her to take it down and stop. She told me I was violating her freedom of speech. Now I tell her only things I'm okay with everyone knowing. I thought she'd know better than to share personal medical info with everyone when I just wanted my mom there will me, but she couldn't do that. She was there as a voyeur to gossip and gain attention for herself. It still hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this issue and here is what I said:

“Hey mom I know you really enjoy the story about Cindy’s granddaughters constipation, but in my mind that’s gossip and I’d be embarrassed if someone talked about my granddaughters bowel movements to strangers. I’m trying to teach my kids not to gossip so please don’t repeat stories like this around us.”

Wow, I don't really know anyone functional enough to say this and anyone who gets this said to them who receives it well.

How does this go over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

The news

Food, cooking, restaurants

Travel

Places you visited locally including museums, etc.

Movies

Books

What the college students at the table are studying

What you studied in school and how it relates to what you do now for work

Happy events in peoples’ lives

I have a question for you. If your mom found out your close aunt has cancer and did not tell you because " you don't gossip or you think it is tragedy porn" how would you feel?

Also on my family we do share the successes of people too! Katie graduated college and got a dream job etc etc.

If I were your family I would stop sharing all news and see how you react at not knowing

NP. My mom would absolutely ask her sister (my aunt) if it is OK to tell me about it. If my aunt said no, my mom would respect that. If I found out late on the journey, or never, or even after she died, I would 100% respect both my aunt’s wishes and my mom’s respect of those wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

The news

Food, cooking, restaurants

Travel

Places you visited locally including museums, etc.

Movies

Books

What the college students at the table are studying

What you studied in school and how it relates to what you do now for work

Happy events in peoples’ lives

I have a question for you. If your mom found out your close aunt has cancer and did not tell you because " you don't gossip or you think it is tragedy porn" how would you feel?

Also on my family we do share the successes of people too! Katie graduated college and got a dream job etc etc.

If I were your family I would stop sharing all news and see how you react at not knowing

NP. My mom would absolutely ask her sister (my aunt) if it is OK to tell me about it. If my aunt said no, my mom would respect that. If I found out late on the journey, or never, or even after she died, I would 100% respect both my aunt’s wishes and my mom’s respect of those wishes.

I don't believe you. I am not talking about sharing information that the ill person said not to..assuming your aunt would want your mom to share the information would you be hurt if they never told you.

I don't think you are human if you say you wouldn't be hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are such tragedy, health and financial doomsday pornographers! What else is there to talk about besides emergency c sections, pre eclampsia, cancer diagnoses, the current status of a widow’s retirement account….

I’ve tried to infuse some levity but they lose interest.

It’s a combo of self-absorption, narrow worldview, lack of interest in current events, self imposed isolation, fear of dying,
narcissistic traits, low intelligence. They’ve been like this forever.

You are so wrong. People have been sharing news for ever. Passing on news helps by sometimes being a cautionary tale or ways to help each other...Aunt t Susie has cancer so let's make her meals or drive her to the appointments.

And as PP, no - you are incorrect here. ILs do not provide this kind of hands on help or have this compassionate response. It’s fodder for gossip and ends there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this issue and here is what I said:

“Hey mom I know you really enjoy the story about Cindy’s granddaughters constipation, but in my mind that’s gossip and I’d be embarrassed if someone talked about my granddaughters bowel movements to strangers. I’m trying to teach my kids not to gossip so please don’t repeat stories like this around us.”

Wow, I don't really know anyone functional enough to say this and anyone who gets this said to them who receives it well.

How does this go over?

She said she didn’t think it was gossip, she just wanted me to watch out for x medical condition in my kid. She was definitely taken aback when I asked her how she’d feel if Cindy talked about me and my daughter and all our health issues to strangers! She was definitely offended that I subtly called her a gossip, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I would rather talk about books, movies, travel, anything but random people she knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

The news

Food, cooking, restaurants

Travel

Places you visited locally including museums, etc.

Movies

Books

What the college students at the table are studying

What you studied in school and how it relates to what you do now for work

Happy events in peoples’ lives

I have a question for you. If your mom found out your close aunt has cancer and did not tell you because " you don't gossip or you think it is tragedy porn" how would you feel?

Also on my family we do share the successes of people too! Katie graduated college and got a dream job etc etc.

If I were your family I would stop sharing all news and see how you react at not knowing

NP. My mom would absolutely ask her sister (my aunt) if it is OK to tell me about it. If my aunt said no, my mom would respect that. If I found out late on the journey, or never, or even after she died, I would 100% respect both my aunt’s wishes and my mom’s respect of those wishes.

I don't believe you. I am not talking about sharing information that the ill person said not to..assuming your aunt would want your mom to share the information would you be hurt if they never told you.

I don't think you are human if you say you wouldn't be hurt.

I wouldn’t be. I’m a private person myself, and I respect others’ agency and privacy. You can say what you want.

[Anonymous]

Boring people love to talk about grief and others.