Advice on "sharey" older relatives

[Anonymous]

Someone mentioned low intelligence and I think this is the major irritant. Some of my elderly relative’s casual racism, classism, fat-shaming and mispronouncing diseases and their treatments are crazy-making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances...

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

Did the co worker ask them for $? The topic of a family's finances - reduced income, increased expenses- can be relevant to anyone. What is the expected contribution from other relatives? We and some other older relatives briefly discussed real requests for funds. It wasn't gossip but how to deal with level of financial support when others have extravagant lifestyle expenses.

[Anonymous]

OP again- to clarify, these conversations never involve people who have asked them for help or who they are thinking of helping (which would be totally fine). I know this because whenever I ask how we should help the response is “well it’s just so horrible, I feel so bad for them.”

For the posters accusing others of censorship… not sure that it is censorship to ask how to navigate being pulled into conversations you personally don’t want to be a part of. Not my problem if they gossip to other, but I don’t want to participate and I also don’t want it normalized for my immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. This is why people wind up alone when they age.

That’s how you’re gonna end up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. This is why people wind up alone when they age.

That’s how you’re gonna end up.

Projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. This is why people wind up alone when they age.

That’s how you’re gonna end up.

Projecting.

No! You’re the one who’s gonna walk out from people, then remain alone.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this. I would never tell her not to speak this way but I just nod and don't really engage or participate in the back and forth that she's looking for. Honestly, my MIL is one of those women who can have a heart of gold but is terrified of conflict and will do anything to avoid it. But conflict is a part of life and when you are constantly avoiding it (even for trivial things) it just ends up coming out as schadenfreude towards others. It's a really unattractive quality and has prevented me from becoming close with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. This is why people wind up alone when they age.

That’s how you’re gonna end up.

Projecting.

No! You’re the one who’s gonna walk out from people, then remain alone.

I surround myself with people who don't relish in other people's drama and misfortune. There are options for socializing with people outside of one's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. This is why people wind up alone when they age.

That’s how you’re gonna end up.

Projecting.

No! You’re the one who’s gonna walk out from people, then remain alone.

Don’t be a bitter Betty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

The news

Food, cooking, restaurants

Travel

Places you visited locally including museums, etc.

Movies

Books

What the college students at the table are studying

What you studied in school and how it relates to what you do now for work

Happy events in peoples’ lives

I have a question for you. If your mom found out your close aunt has cancer and did not tell you because " you don't gossip or you think it is tragedy porn" how would you feel?

Also on my family we do share the successes of people too! Katie graduated college and got a dream job etc etc.

If I were your family I would stop sharing all news and see how you react at not knowing

NP. My mom would absolutely ask her sister (my aunt) if it is OK to tell me about it. If my aunt said no, my mom would respect that. If I found out late on the journey, or never, or even after she died, I would 100% respect both my aunt’s wishes and my mom’s respect of those wishes.

I don't believe you. I am not talking about sharing information that the ill person said not to..assuming your aunt would want your mom to share the information would you be hurt if they never told you.

I don't think you are human if you say you wouldn't be hurt.

I wouldn’t be. I’m a private person myself, and I respect others’ agency and privacy. You can say what you want.

Well I hope all your conversations are about paint drying and your relatives never pass on any "gossip" to you.

I love swimming, college basketball, books, Tudor history, hiking, photography, theater, cooking, and yoga. If none of that appeals, you have a great day!

It isn't that these topics aren't appealing but, really they are very superficial don't you think? To be human is to share information about the people you care about..the good so you can cheer them, the "bad" so you can help or learn from them. How can you create intimacy if you don't know anything important about your family and loved ones?

[Anonymous]

My MIL does this. She is one of the kindest, most giving people I know, but wow, her fixation on the misfortunes of distant acquaintances really puts a damper on a family gathering! She also goes into too much detail, to the point it’s distressing to hear (and I’m not squeamish).

For her, I think it stems from a combination of continuing to process the loss of loved ones (many from cancer at a younger age) and the gossip culture in which she grew up (Southern, poor, and socializing meant sitting at the kitchen table for hours talking about everyone’s business).

Now that she is retired, her habit extends to discussing, in detail, the fallout of every new natural disaster.

[Anonymous]

So odd that the "sharey" older relatives only want to share the embarrassing important things, isn't it? That weirdly salivating glee over negativity, instead of spending the time on how well other people are doing, what they are proud of, and the areas in which they succeed.

Hmm. How can you claim you are creating intimacy when you are always tearing others down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. This is why people wind up alone when they age.

That’s how you’re gonna end up.

Projecting.

No! You’re the one who’s gonna walk out from people, then remain alone.

I surround myself with people who don't relish in other people's drama and misfortune. There are options for socializing with people outside of one's family.

So what are you doing reading this forum, where almost all stories are drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are such tragedy, health and financial doomsday pornographers! What else is there to talk about besides emergency c sections, pre eclampsia, cancer diagnoses, the current status of a widow’s retirement account….

I’ve tried to infuse some levity but they lose interest.

It’s a combo of self-absorption, narrow worldview, lack of interest in current events, self imposed isolation, fear of dying,
narcissistic traits, low intelligence. They’ve been like this forever.

You are so wrong. People have been sharing news for ever. Passing on news helps by sometimes being a cautionary tale or ways to help each other...Aunt t Susie has cancer so let's make her meals or drive her to the appointments.

You're ridiculous... how on earth can you say she's wrong?
You clearly have no idea what youre talking about, because it's suffice to say that she knows her in laws WAY better than you do.
Your input is worthless considering you've never met the people.

I wasn't speaking about their inlaws specifically. I thought that was clear. I was speaking of "humankind" and how sharing news has been going on for ions. By the way, how was your post useful? You didn't add anything except to chide me! Ironic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again- to clarify, these conversations never involve people who have asked them for help or who they are thinking of helping (which would be totally fine). I know this because whenever I ask how we should help the response is “well it’s just so horrible, I feel so bad for them.”

For the posters accusing others of censorship… not sure that it is censorship to ask how to navigate being pulled into conversations you personally don’t want to be a part of. Not my problem if they gossip to other, but I don’t want to participate and I also don’t want it normalized for my immediate family.

You can only control yourself. If it bothers you so much talk to your kids ( separately) about how you feel. My family "shares" out of love and concern. Maybe it is just your family that is awful.