Advice on "sharey" older relatives

[Anonymous]

The most annoying part to me is the assumption that I know or care about the people they're talking about. "Betsy's granddaughter's husband found out..." Who the hell is Betsy? "Oh, you remember her. She lived next door to Grandma, she had the loud dog." Um, that was 30 years before I was born. Why would I care??

[Anonymous]

My stepmother does this so I finally told her that I didn't want to hear about other people's private troubles. Her response was, "I thought you cared about people! Why do you hate me?!?"

I never told her what I thought about anything after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

This. Plus A NEWS ARTICLE? You're upset because they're talking about something in the news? Frankly, you sound very sensitive and intolerant, OP. Why would you shut down a conversation about a news article? Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

OP when and where did you learn that it's your job to impose censorship on what other adults feel like talking about?

How utterly bizarre.

If you don't want to participate in a conversation, put in your earbuds and play with your I phone or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP when and where did you learn that it's your job to impose censorship on what other adults feel like talking about?

How utterly bizarre.

If you don't want to participate in a conversation, put in your earbuds and play with your I phone or something.

Found the gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP when and where did you learn that it's your job to impose censorship on what other adults feel like talking about?

How utterly bizarre.

If you don't want to participate in a conversation, put in your earbuds and play with your I phone or something.

Found the gossip.

Found the totalitarian buttinsky censor know it all Narcissist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

You doing the same thing. What is "sharey"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP when and where did you learn that it's your job to impose censorship on what other adults feel like talking about?

How utterly bizarre.

If you don't want to participate in a conversation, put in your earbuds and play with your I phone or something.

This times 1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. My ILs are known gossips and Tragedy Vultures. I told my husband that of course I won’t tell other adults not to gossip or delight in the misfortune of others, but I won’t be in the same room when that is happening. He understands.

My ILs ask me lots of questions and seem miffed and bemused that I don’t tell them much. Hey—I know if you’ll gossip to me, you’ll gossip about me. You get nothing of substance from me.

That is the perfect word for it. The sad thing is when they have their own misfortune, they refuse to share with friends and expect their adult children to be their own support system. My mom is a total gossip, but refused to get outside support-tell friends, get therapy, join support group as dad was declining so she just lashed out at me nonstop and as I set boundaries she descended into madness until I convinced her to reach out some. She was willing to tell one friend she felt she had control over and that helped her so much for a while until she drove that friend nuts because she wouldn't spread things out.

These days I refuse to humor her with the stuff I think is unhealthy. My mom gets this strange excitement in her voice when she is about to share major gossip about someone's misfortune.

Mine does this, too. It's gross. I've heard them talk about the children of former high school classmates, for example, "Remember Larla from high school? My friend Fran knows her mother. That poor family, the little girl is sick and her brother is having trouble in school, they need to move now because her husband lost his job..." And I don't even know these people anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are such tragedy, health and financial doomsday pornographers! What else is there to talk about besides emergency c sections, pre eclampsia, cancer diagnoses, the current status of a widow’s retirement account….

I’ve tried to infuse some levity but they lose interest.

It’s a combo of self-absorption, narrow worldview, lack of interest in current events, self imposed isolation, fear of dying,
narcissistic traits, low intelligence. They’ve been like this forever.

You are so wrong. People have been sharing news for ever. Passing on news helps by sometimes being a cautionary tale or ways to help each other...Aunt t Susie has cancer so let's make her meals or drive her to the appointments.

And as PP, no - you are incorrect here. ILs do not provide this kind of hands on help or have this compassionate response. It’s fodder for gossip and ends there.

This is your opinion and is nor fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

The news

Food, cooking, restaurants

Travel

Places you visited locally including museums, etc.

Movies

Books

What the college students at the table are studying

What you studied in school and how it relates to what you do now for work

Happy events in peoples’ lives

I have a question for you. If your mom found out your close aunt has cancer and did not tell you because " you don't gossip or you think it is tragedy porn" how would you feel?

Also on my family we do share the successes of people too! Katie graduated college and got a dream job etc etc.

If I were your family I would stop sharing all news and see how you react at not knowing

NP. My mom would absolutely ask her sister (my aunt) if it is OK to tell me about it. If my aunt said no, my mom would respect that. If I found out late on the journey, or never, or even after she died, I would 100% respect both my aunt’s wishes and my mom’s respect of those wishes.

I don't believe you. I am not talking about sharing information that the ill person said not to..assuming your aunt would want your mom to share the information would you be hurt if they never told you.

I don't think you are human if you say you wouldn't be hurt.

I wouldn’t be. I’m a private person myself, and I respect others’ agency and privacy. You can say what you want.

Well I hope all your conversations are about paint drying and your relatives never pass on any "gossip" to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

The news

Food, cooking, restaurants

Travel

Places you visited locally including museums, etc.

Movies

Books

What the college students at the table are studying

What you studied in school and how it relates to what you do now for work

Happy events in peoples’ lives

I have a question for you. If your mom found out your close aunt has cancer and did not tell you because " you don't gossip or you think it is tragedy porn" how would you feel?

Also on my family we do share the successes of people too! Katie graduated college and got a dream job etc etc.

If I were your family I would stop sharing all news and see how you react at not knowing

NP. My mom would absolutely ask her sister (my aunt) if it is OK to tell me about it. If my aunt said no, my mom would respect that. If I found out late on the journey, or never, or even after she died, I would 100% respect both my aunt’s wishes and my mom’s respect of those wishes.

I don't believe you. I am not talking about sharing information that the ill person said not to..assuming your aunt would want your mom to share the information would you be hurt if they never told you.

I don't think you are human if you say you wouldn't be hurt.

I wouldn’t be. I’m a private person myself, and I respect others’ agency and privacy. You can say what you want.

Well I hope all your conversations are about paint drying and your relatives never pass on any "gossip" to you.

I love swimming, college basketball, books, Tudor history, hiking, photography, theater, cooking, and yoga. If none of that appeals, you have a great day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just get up and walk away.

Same. My ILs are known gossips and Tragedy Vultures. I told my husband that of course I won’t tell other adults not to gossip or delight in the misfortune of others, but I won’t be in the same room when that is happening. He understands.

My ILs ask me lots of questions and seem miffed and bemused that I don’t tell them much. Hey—I know if you’ll gossip to me, you’ll gossip about me. You get nothing of substance from me.

And the in law bashing begins. So unoriginal. Get a life.

Poor boomer is triggered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

DP

Oh please. You can't tell me that Eleonor Roosevelt or anyone else talks about ideas all the time! Benjamin Franklin was famous for his sayings but, what you don't know is he didn't actually follow them! I am sure Eleanor Roosevelt as a human discussed what was happenign with relatives, friends, etc. It does not mean yo are a "vulture" Just human! Unless you are saying I am glad someone has cancer...this is just normal conversation.

Yeah, old Benny boy earned the nickname Petty LaBelle. 😁

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are such tragedy, health and financial doomsday pornographers! What else is there to talk about besides emergency c sections, pre eclampsia, cancer diagnoses, the current status of a widow’s retirement account….

I’ve tried to infuse some levity but they lose interest.

It’s a combo of self-absorption, narrow worldview, lack of interest in current events, self imposed isolation, fear of dying,
narcissistic traits, low intelligence. They’ve been like this forever.

You are so wrong. People have been sharing news for ever. Passing on news helps by sometimes being a cautionary tale or ways to help each other...Aunt t Susie has cancer so let's make her meals or drive her to the appointments.

You're ridiculous... how on earth can you say she's wrong?
You clearly have no idea what youre talking about, because it's suffice to say that she knows her in laws WAY better than you do.
Your input is worthless considering you've never met the people.