Advice on "sharey" older relatives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

The news

Food, cooking, restaurants

Travel

Places you visited locally including museums, etc.

Movies

Books

What the college students at the table are studying

What you studied in school and how it relates to what you do now for work

Happy events in peoples’ lives

[Anonymous]

I call my mom twice a week. She creates a hand written list of all of things she needs to tell me. Then she rambles incessantly about her neighbors,
her temple friends, her former neighbors in exhaustive detail.

I could tell you where her former neighbors’ daughter now lives, her other neighbor’s work schedule this week and then get a summary of all of the emails she’s sent me about all of the above.

She takes notes on our conversations. I can hear her writing.

Go ahead and say she’s lonely but it’s more to it than that. She is a narcissist and thinks everyone is simply enthralled with her. Visits are a nightmare-must give her full time and attention. No reading a magazine or watching tv and just being together. No. You have to listen to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

DP

Oh please. You can't tell me that Eleonor Roosevelt or anyone else talks about ideas all the time! Benjamin Franklin was famous for his sayings but, what you don't know is he didn't actually follow them! I am sure Eleanor Roosevelt as a human discussed what was happenign with relatives, friends, etc. It does not mean yo are a "vulture" Just human! Unless you are saying I am glad someone has cancer...this is just normal conversation.

The question was "what else are we supposed to be talking about?"

I encourage you to try out "ideas" and"events" once in awhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t see what is so bad about those discussions your relatives are having. As long as they are not being outright mean or derogatory, these are fine topics.

Even if I was the subject of one of those topics. I wouldn’t care. Why does OP need to outrage?

Medical/health information is personal and private. If you don’t get that, rest assured that others are shocked by you bringing that up and gossiping, and know not to trust you. You have been warned.

[Anonymous]

My mom does this too OP. She also confuses pity with sympathy. It’s so hard to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

People like you who are boring and lacking in imagination can only get their jollies by tearing down others, apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t see what is so bad about those discussions your relatives are having. As long as they are not being outright mean or derogatory, these are fine topics.

Even if I was the subject of one of those topics. I wouldn’t care. Why does OP need to outrage?

Medical/health information is personal and private. If you don’t get that, rest assured that others are shocked by you bringing that up and gossiping, and know not to trust you. You have been warned.

Wow. Your world is way too absolute and this thinking is very uptight and unnecessary. Just know - that the rest of the world doesn’t operate this way and fake outrage. You have been warned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t see what is so bad about those discussions your relatives are having. As long as they are not being outright mean or derogatory, these are fine topics.

Even if I was the subject of one of those topics. I wouldn’t care. Why does OP need to outrage?

Medical/health information is personal and private. If you don’t get that, rest assured that others are shocked by you bringing that up and gossiping, and know not to trust you. You have been warned.

Wow. Your world is way too absolute and this thinking is very uptight and unnecessary. Just know - that the rest of the world doesn’t operate this way and fake outrage. You have been warned.

You’ve self-selected down to a group of gossips. Of course the people you hang out with are gossips. The rest have got your number and weeded you out.

[Anonymous]

I am with you OP. I subtly redirect these conversations. They are schadenfreude, gossipy, and unhelpful, and lower the people engaging in them.

I've also experienced a serious curable life-threatening illness at a young age, and have experienced this dynamic first hand.

It's amazing how information changes in a game of telephone, and what can come out of that, and pretty gross to me personally how much some people seem to enjoy rubbernecking at the most difficult time of someone's life (including a very young person).


I teach my own child to be respectful and kind, and have expressed the Eleanor Roosevelt quote.

[Anonymous]

My ILs are always telling me how much ppl make. It is so weird. Since they do this with everyone, I have to assume that the people who tell them their salaries know my ILs will tell others. I just smile and nod. They have no idea I make more than all their other kids, whose salaries I now know because they were bragging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is a generational thing, but I have noticed that several older relatives seem to really enjoy talking about the misfortunes of people they barely know. Some examples (from different people) include:

- Talking about a coworker's wife's sister's cancer diagnosis and treatment, and going on in great detail about how it is impacting their young children and finances
- Dinner conversation about how several coworkers' kids are dropping out of college, the extent to which the parents are financing the kids' lifestyles, an entire retrospective on how the kids did in high school, etc.
- Discussion of a news article they saw in the early days of the pandemic where six adult children and one parent in the same family died over the course of one week, and recounting all the details about the family in the article.

I really struggle with these conversations because they feel intrusive, gossipy, and honestly attention-seeking- and I admit that I have gotten snippy and tried to shut these conversations down. But that is met with accusations of being unsympathetic or unfeeling, even though I feel that the kindest thing to do is *not* talk about people I don't even know and have no way of helping!

Genuinely asking for input/advice on dealing with this behavior. Am I missing something (maybe it is a reflection of their own anxieties that they can't express directly, for example)? What motivates it, how to view it in a more charitable light, how to respond...

this is what humans do. Pass on information about other humans. Just because they are sharing that Aunt Judy's daughter dropped out of college does not mean that they wish either person ill will. It is just a fact and passing on information. What else are we supposed to be talking about? The Kardashians? If you don't like the conversation you are free to not partake but, you do not have the right to tell people what they can and cannot discuss. Just because you feel that they are intrusive gossipy and "attention seeking" ( how?) does not make that fact.

You are not any better than any one else

People like you who are boring and lacking in imagination can only get their jollies by tearing down others, apparently.

I talk about other things ideas that t he pp mentioned but I also particpate in talking about what family/friends are doing. I am not tearing them down by discussing them. I don't care if people discuss me because it isn't any of my business.

The fact that you are calling me names and yet holding yourself up as a virtuous person is so ironic. Bet you don't get the disconnect

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. I get your frustration. I have this frustration with people of all ages. "Something, somewhere, happened to someone." This is what my neighbors want to talk about? They have no personal connection to whomever - across the country - that experienced some outliner event.

It's dull minded. It's common. I don't understand it. But I also don't understand the appeal of celebrity gossip either.

[Anonymous]

Leave the room. Leave them to it.

[Anonymous]

It's a sign of insecurity -- they trash others to make themselves feel better.

Can you imagine how they'd react if you did the same thing, but discussed a REALLY successful friend or relative that you know they're insanely envious of?

Try that little project next time... "Hey, I hear Joe got a 57' Corvette?? That's amazing. Those cars are super expensive & hot! How was Kathy's trip to the South of France this past summer?
I'm sure her pictures were beautiful. I heard she's buying a beach house too?".

If they ask you WHY you're bringing them up, just say "well, whenever we talk, all you discuss are negative or bad things... you almost seem to be happy when discussing them? What's that called again? Schadenfreude? I'm just trying to even out your negativity with some positive".

For every negative story they bring up, I'd discuss the positives of someone I know they' were envious of -- them sit back and watch them implode.

Keep that pattern up and they'll quickly stop.

[Anonymous]

OP here- helpful to hear that many have encountered this and some really good tips (funny, too). Totally nailed the dynamic too- gossip disguised as concern, which somehow makes it especially gross. Frankly I’m not above an occasional bit of gossip among friends but at least we don’t pretend we’re doing it out of a place of care.

Also, to the few PPs who say it’s well-intentioned… seems like most aren’t buying into the idea of accommodating thin facades (cue the responses saying that I’m projecting my own I’ll will and desire to gossip because these third parties simply must have the best of intentions…)