The secret world of emotional and verbal abuse

[Anonymous]

I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

[Anonymous]

My mother yelled, screamed, and hollered all of the time.

Joyce Meyers recounts how she would scream at her family, and then put a smile on her face when the doorbell rang.

I don't think you are alone.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. I also come from a family that is dysfunctional, verbally and emotionally abusive parents and older sister, and later in life l realized I was also neglected. I'm glad you were able to create a nice family of your own.
It is the holidays that reminds me what a sad life I had, and what a sad family of origin I have.
Sending you a virtual hug.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I went (and still go) through the same, and (un)luckily I have siblings who can relate so we've been each other support system. It's difficult to discuss this upbringing with others because it's painful and they wouldn't understand. Take PP, for instance -- screaming, hollering, yelling barely scratch the surface of this type of abuse. I do have 2 close friends who can relate to my situation, and we can talk about this stuff for hours on end.

I'm also very low, but not no, contact, and also indirectly blame myself (i.e., do a bunch of mental gymnastics to justify my father's behavior, and in ways attribute it to his unsubstantiated/outdated view of me - but then it also leads to lots of self-questioning/self-doubt, blah blah) despite knowing that I shouldn't.

When friends ask why I don't visit my hometown where my verbally and emotionally (and once, physically) abusive father still lives, I just respond, with a heavy sigh, "long story..." Holidays are indeed painful knowing my father is all alone, again. But we've told him this is how it'd end up if he continued with this behavior, so he should understand the consequences...right?

Unfortunately I find some of my father's abusive tactics engrained in me and do my best to not let those demons get out. But even if I don't repeat the same words, I sometimes feel myself thinking those words. It's a bit scary/worrisome. Trying really hard to break the cycle!

[Anonymous]

I understand OP. I am at the moment dealing with a possibly mentally ill sister who is the executor of my mom’s will. She is using her position as executor to send me emotionally abusive texts and emails filled with misstatements and outright lies. I print everything out so I have a record of the things she says.

The thing is, I have come to the point where I just laugh at the crazy things she says. I realize now that she bullied me when we were kids and she is angry now because I have stepped back and I simply do not respond to her attempts to be hurtful. I feel sorry for her but I cannot fix whatever it is that makes her act like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Paragraphs, please!

[Anonymous]

I grew up with one parent who was most definitely emotionally and verbally abusive, though there was no physical violence that I remember. Creating boundaries with that parent was a big emotional job in my late teens and 20s. I did it. I have a low contact relationship with her that works pretty well. I’ve never really gone to therapy for this but the most therapeutic thing in my life is building my own family in a different way. My teen and young adult children see their relationship with me as strong and loving. I think it’s the best we can do.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for these responses.

Yes, it really is a big emotional job creating boundaries and it leads to so much turmoil and drama, but worth it.

It's so strange how stepping back I can see how crazy it was/is, yet for some of us we still think we may be to blame. I wonder if part of that is because we are wired better. I know the abusers don't have that self-doubt and are quick to cast blame. Perhaps the self-doubt it was pushes us to recognize when we repeat any bit of the cycle in our own families we created so we get help so we can break it and we apologize. The self-doubt it was makes us keep an open mind, yet it is not useful at all when it comes to the relationship with the abuser if that make sense.

The screaming like a loon and putting on a smile when the doorbell rings is so on the mark when it comes to how they are in general. That whole game face for others where nobody would suspect what lurks behind closed doors...unless they got too close. With both my sister and my mother they can put on a great act until people cross a threshold. Once they see the dark side they usually backed away.

I really appreciate the support.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot more people with situations like this then you think. I haven't spent a holiday with any member of extended family for 20 years. My family has built our own traditions, some with close family friends. I don't feel sad about it all. I also feel zero shame or guilt about any of it. I didn't do anything wrong. I understand that some people think you're supposed to feel and speak a certain way about your parents. That's on them, not me. It's toxic to keep it inside or pretend. I don't think you need to tell your life story to everyone you meet or talk about it at length all the time but just tell the truth as it comes up. No need for secret worlds.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Why is it important to you that people get it or don't get it? I would try to sort through that. Who cares what people think. You're worried people will judge you because you don't have a good relationship with your parents? If they do, why does it matter?

I made a friend in my 20s who was incredibly open about her family of origin and the many issues going on and it was life changing for me in how I thought about and spoke about my own family of origin. She didn't wallow in it or throw herself a pity party or try to make you understand or talk about it all the time. She just said it matter of fact. Because that's what it is. A matter of fact. It doesn't reflect on you or who you are as a person. Why would you need to spend any of your own emotional or mental energy covering it up?

Secrets and hiding things is completely toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with one parent who was most definitely emotionally and verbally abusive, though there was no physical violence that I remember. Creating boundaries with that parent was a big emotional job in my late teens and 20s. I did it. I have a low contact relationship with her that works pretty well. I’ve never really gone to therapy for this but the most therapeutic thing in my life is building my own family in a different way. My teen and young adult children see their relationship with me as strong and loving. I think it’s the best we can do.

I’m the pp whose sibling is using her role as executor to harangue and harass me. I have also done the bolded above. I worked hard to break the cycle and create the kind of family situation I would have liked to have grown up in. My family is not perfect, of course, but things are so much better than with my family of origin.

It is partly because of the strong bonds of love present with my spouse and children that I can withstand the blows my sibling attempts to send my way. It apparently bothers her to no end that I simply do not react to her attempts to provoke me, but that is what moving on and beyond looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Why is it important to you that people get it or don't get it? I would try to sort through that. Who cares what people think. You're worried people will judge you because you don't have a good relationship with your parents? If they do, why does it matter?

I made a friend in my 20s who was incredibly open about her family of origin and the many issues going on and it was life changing for me in how I thought about and spoke about my own family of origin. She didn't wallow in it or throw herself a pity party or try to make you understand or talk about it all the time. She just said it matter of fact. Because that's what it is. A matter of fact. It doesn't reflect on you or who you are as a person. Why would you need to spend any of your own emotional or mental energy covering it up?

Secrets and hiding things is completely toxic.

For some survivors of childhood neglect and abuse, the desire to feel heard and understood is a deeply felt emotional scar that can be traced back to their experience as children. It’s very, very normal for a survivor of this kind of childhood to crave people who “get it.”

It’s great you found a way to talk about your own experience and encountered someone else who has totally shed any shame from it. But it’s also useful to have empathy for those on a different journey. It’s easy to say “who cares” about someone else’s emotional struggle, but this kind of judgement doesn’t help anyone.

Oh, and for people who struggle to discuss these issues, disclosing on an anonymous board can be a way to stop hiding. Do this is a good place to be particularly supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Paragraphs, please!

+1 Without paragraphs it is difficult to read & seems like you are yelling at readers.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Why is it important to you that people get it or don't get it? I would try to sort through that. Who cares what people think. You're worried people will judge you because you don't have a good relationship with your parents? If they do, why does it matter?

I made a friend in my 20s who was incredibly open about her family of origin and the many issues going on and it was life changing for me in how I thought about and spoke about my own family of origin. She didn't wallow in it or throw herself a pity party or try to make you understand or talk about it all the time. She just said it matter of fact. Because that's what it is. A matter of fact. It doesn't reflect on you or who you are as a person. Why would you need to spend any of your own emotional or mental energy covering it up?

Secrets and hiding things is completely toxic.

For some survivors of childhood neglect and abuse, the desire to feel heard and understood is a deeply felt emotional scar that can be traced back to their experience as children. It’s very, very normal for a survivor of this kind of childhood to crave people who “get it.”

It’s great you found a way to talk about your own experience and encountered someone else who has totally shed any shame from it. But it’s also useful to have empathy for those on a different journey. It’s easy to say “who cares” about someone else’s emotional struggle, but this kind of judgement doesn’t help anyone.

Oh, and for people who struggle to discuss these issues, disclosing on an anonymous board can be a way to stop hiding. Do this is a good place to be particularly supportive.

Um, it can also be extremely unhelpful to only seek validation without moving towards growth. Getting stuck in the affirmation mode, only wanting validation, can be more helpful than not. Shaming someone for encouraging the poster to move on isn't helpful. It would be much better to see that OP post about her efforts to improve her mental health, her self image and her interactions with others by discussing her growth through therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Why is it important to you that people get it or don't get it? I would try to sort through that. Who cares what people think. You're worried people will judge you because you don't have a good relationship with your parents? If they do, why does it matter?

I made a friend in my 20s who was incredibly open about her family of origin and the many issues going on and it was life changing for me in how I thought about and spoke about my own family of origin. She didn't wallow in it or throw herself a pity party or try to make you understand or talk about it all the time. She just said it matter of fact. Because that's what it is. A matter of fact. It doesn't reflect on you or who you are as a person. Why would you need to spend any of your own emotional or mental energy covering it up?

Secrets and hiding things is completely toxic.

For some survivors of childhood neglect and abuse, the desire to feel heard and understood is a deeply felt emotional scar that can be traced back to their experience as children. It’s very, very normal for a survivor of this kind of childhood to crave people who “get it.”

It’s great you found a way to talk about your own experience and encountered someone else who has totally shed any shame from it. But it’s also useful to have empathy for those on a different journey. It’s easy to say “who cares” about someone else’s emotional struggle, but this kind of judgement doesn’t help anyone.

Oh, and for people who struggle to discuss these issues, disclosing on an anonymous board can be a way to stop hiding. Do this is a good place to be particularly supportive.

Um, it can also be extremely unhelpful to only seek validation without moving towards growth. Getting stuck in the affirmation mode, only wanting validation, can be more helpful than not. Shaming someone for encouraging the poster to move on isn't helpful. It would be much better to see that OP post about her efforts to improve her mental health, her self image and her interactions with others by discussing her growth through therapy.

Wasn’t shaming anyone, nor advising anyone to just seek validation or affirmation. Just encouraging empathy. You can tell someone to move on or that what other people think doesn’t matter all day long, but if they are still struggling with abandonment and self-worth issues, it won’t help and could actually hurt. Your personal experience is not universal.