The secret world of emotional and verbal abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

My father was a completely nightmare. I didn't realize how dysfunctional and horrible it was in our home until I realized that people actually liked to be around their parents. He would yell, belittle, name call, explode at a moment's notice over nothing. He would give the silent treatment for weeks. He hit my mom and us on occasion. But it wasn't violent physical abuse. You sort of never knew what would set him off. It was very stressful and anxiety inducing, walking on eggshells trying to do whatever it was that would set him off that day.

Unless you have experienced things like this (and certainly there is worse) you just don't understand. I haven't spoken to him in over 20 years and he is, so I hear, medically frail. And I just don't care. I feel nothing. And people think I should. And I want to tell those people to eff off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Paragraphs, please!

+1 Without paragraphs it is difficult to read & seems like you are yelling at readers.)

Then leave. Many of us who have suffered as children developed empathy and patience, which serves the world well. It is a survival skill. If you have no empathy or patience, you aren't really needed here.

NP. While I have great sympathy for the children of abuse, plenty of other people have empathy and patience and serve the world well too. Setting yourself up as "more than" is a survival skill that can backfire in your other relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Paragraphs!

[Anonymous]

I am so sick of people wallowing in self pity. No one has a perfect parent, not even you are a perfect parent and your children will have complaints about you.

Adults do not live in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I would add physical abuse and sexual, but am fortunate I have not experienced those and my heart goes out to those who have. I have a loving husband and kids I would do anything for and I have this secret world only a few close friends know about with an abusive parent. I didn't really understand things were crossing the line growing up, but now with her aging and therapy it is so crystal clear and technically it's not just my mother. I have a very disturbed and abusive sibling. I have been undermined, thrown under the bus, called all sorts of horrible names and blamed for things that had nothing to do with me by both my mother and sibling. My brother passed away, but he is the only one who truly saw how dark and disturbing our sister could be. Both my mother and sister struggle with relationships and both I suspect struggle with mental illness that manifests in depression and rage issues. I have learned to set boundaries, but for many reasons have decided to go low contact, but not no contact. I know there are many of us, but do you feel so lonely in this world holding onto this? I hate when people ask about holiday plans because it's just a reminder I come from utter dysfunction and believe me with my family I created we do make it special and create our own lovely memories. I am genuinely happy for people who have truly loving extended families. I don't feel angry nearly as much at judgmental comments I hear from people I know or read here, because I think some people just cannot fathom what it is to have devoted so many years of your life to please family members who verbally beats you and takes pleasure in hurting you. I have a strong outer shell that protects myself and yet deep down there is a still a part of me that blames me. No matter how much therapy I get, I still deep down think I somehow brought it on. It's a strange world. I have learned to accept this and really find joy in so many other things and yet a feel like a pretender every time I give a cliche or simple answer to a complicated question. I don't lie, I just am careful with my words and don't reveal much. Many people don't get it, so it's best just to share with safe people.

Anyone else in this world want to chime in?

Paragraphs, please!

+1 Without paragraphs it is difficult to read & seems like you are yelling at readers.)

Then leave. Many of us who have suffered as children developed empathy and patience, which serves the world well. It is a survival skill. If you have no empathy or patience, you aren't really needed here.

Oh. Dear, we've crashed your pity party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick of people wallowing in self pity. No one has a perfect parent, not even you are a perfect parent and your children will have complaints about you.

Adults do not live in the past.

Do you not believe that trauma is a thing? That our early environments can impact us into adulthood? Because you would be wrong.

[Anonymous]

First of all, you feel guilty and responsible because that’s what you were conditioned to feel for the poor decisions of others.

I found a great community on Reddit. It’s called Raised By Borderlines. I no kinder apologize for having a sh!tty parent. We deserved better, but got the short end of the stick. Find your people. Bond with your found family. We exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick of people wallowing in self pity. No one has a perfect parent, not even you are a perfect parent and your children will have complaints about you.

Adults do not live in the past.

Do you not believe that trauma is a thing? That our early environments can impact us into adulthood? Because you would be wrong.

DP. Living in the past doesn’t help with healing. Recognize what you’ve been through, name it, and then find a way to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick of people wallowing in self pity. No one has a perfect parent, not even you are a perfect parent and your children will have complaints about you.

Adults do not live in the past.

Oh, you found your way here from the “adult children blaming you in therapy” thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick of people wallowing in self pity. No one has a perfect parent, not even you are a perfect parent and your children will have complaints about you.

Adults do not live in the past.

Oh, you found your way here from the “adult children blaming you in therapy” thread.

DP. To be fair it’s becoming impossible to escape you trauma llamas, you’re in every forum. DCUM is not a great place to seek therapy, it’s only good for validation, and in some cases the validation doesn’t seem earned. I wish for you all that you find good therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick of people wallowing in self pity. No one has a perfect parent, not even you are a perfect parent and your children will have complaints about you.

Adults do not live in the past.

Do you not believe that trauma is a thing? That our early environments can impact us into adulthood? Because you would be wrong.

DP. Living in the past doesn’t help with healing. Recognize what you’ve been through, name it, and then find a way to move forward.

Well yeah. The problem with being traumatized is that it keeps you living in the past. It keeps impacting you until you are able to heal. But what do you think “recognizing what have have lived through” means? Just….never talking about it? Never complaining? No. Confronting the past, processing it, etc is part of what is required to move past it. This is not a fast process. If you want to call it “wallowing in self-pity,” fine, but you could also just say nothing.

And what is with these parents of adult children jumping in and lecturing people who complain about their childhoods? Unless you’re OP’s mom it’s bizarre to get so defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick of people wallowing in self pity. No one has a perfect parent, not even you are a perfect parent and your children will have complaints about you.

Adults do not live in the past.

Adults, by age, do not become adults, by maturity, if they go through this kind of thing. It's like, "You're 18+! You are emotionally stunted and crippled from your parents' abuse and ignorance! Go forth anyway! No time for figuring it out, and no excuses!" And those kids are supposed to compete with the kids whose healthy parents loved them well.

[Anonymous]

OP you are not alone.

I grew up in an explosive household.

My mother narcissistic, liar, whose only focus in life was to keep up with the Jones except we were beyond poor. She screamed constantly. We walked on eggshells.

My father wasn't much better. He never hit us and rarely got mad at us but outside our home nightmare, he treated serers like crap store clerks etc it was awful. He was weak did whatever my mother said.

My brother was married for 25 years he is my mother he destroyed his wife and child with verbal abuse. It was and is horrific.

The youngest sister is bipolar for over 20 years I navigated that between my sister and my mother honestly my bad i should have walked away from that as well.

I left home at a young age went to college never went back.

There is not one good thing about my immediate family.

I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am so sick of people wallowing in self pity. No one has a perfect parent, not even you are a perfect parent and your children will have complaints about you.

Adults do not live in the past.

Do you not believe that trauma is a thing? That our early environments can impact us into adulthood? Because you would be wrong.

I also believe that we can get over our trama(s) if we do choose. My older sister blamed me for our mother's death and used to beat the living daylights out of me. I made a choice many years ago that I could move on from her and problems.

Those who choose to live in the past have no future.

[Anonymous]

I had a roommate that I also worked with and she was the sweetest thing at work but as soon as she got home she was awful. It's like she saved up all her niceness for work and then had nothing left when she got home. The fact that was SO different was shocking.