Friends 32-year-old DS arrested for CP while living in her home

[Anonymous]

My best friend of over 40 years life has been turned upside down. Her adult son was arrested last week with massive amounts of child sexual abuse material was found on computer. He lives at home with my friend and her husband. I don’t know the details but it seems like he was running a child sex abuse website on the “dark web” and eventually was located by a specialized task force.

She and her husband posted his bail which was a incredibly high amount and her son is back living with them while under surveillance. It’s basically house arrest.

We are both teachers in the same district although we teach at different schools. This all happened the week of inservice and the district essentially forced her to retire (or that’s what she says happened). We are both the same age and we’re both planning on retiring 2024 so she’s retiring two years early.

She reached out to me and I don’t even know how to respond. I’m shocked. I hadn’t seen her son in over six years. My eldest daughter and her son were friends in High School and well into their mid-20s but then lost contact. I knew he was living at home but was under the assumption he had some pretty significant issues with anxiety and depression.

His mugshot is available online and I wouldn’t even think it’s the same person. This kid was one of the smartest kids in school. Graduated Salutatorian, well-liked, funny, and good-looking. Got two Bachelors from a top private school in our state (BS in computer science and software engineering). But then couldn’t keep a job, ended up moving back home at 24 and just becoming reclusive. But now he looks like a different person. Gained about 150 pounds. Long greasy unkept hair, thick beard and mustache. Unrecognizable. I showed my daughter and she didn’t believe it was the right picture (she also had not seen him since 2017).

I don’t know how to support my friend. I don’t know if I should. We live in a smallish town (not DC local) and you can imagine the gossip. I do not want to jeopardize my career. Parents aren’t going to trust a teacher who is spotted getting coffee with the pedophiles mom. I know that sounds harsh, but that’s how it is here.

I dearly love my friend. I do. I don’t know if I should just back off for awhile or what. She is reaching out to me in hopes of some sort of support but I’m scared. I do want to support her, but I have nothing positive to say about her son and I think she wants to hear that he’s a good person, that he is just making mistakes. I love my friend but she’s enabled her son to sit in their attic all day for the past 5 years and contribute to the abuse of children worldwide. I am almost scared of her too, how did she raise this child? How did she not know?

My DD says looking back he has made some weird comments in the past, but didn’t really elaborate. How did these parents not know? Why are they ok with him in their house? He used their internet was using a computer they purchased. I have felt dizzy all week. My heart hurts for her, I cannot imagine.

[Anonymous]

A) Everything you said is real

B) They should have made him get a job and move out

C) Unless they were snooping on his locked systems, they wouldn’t know about the porn. But when presented with evidence he should have been rotting in jail.

[Anonymous]

Man. That’s crazy. I don’t think you can rightly fault her with, “how did she not know?”…I think it’s definitely very possible that she really didn’t know. However, that they posted bail and have him back living there….I’m not sure I could overlook that. Is some weird small part of her believing there’s a way he really could be innocent?

[Anonymous]

You support your friend the way you would if her child was ill. I'm sure they bailed him out because there is a level of denial. It's difficult to believe your own child would do something like that.

But your friend is hurting. So you bring over meals, you talk on the phone, or ask if there is anything you can do to help.

[Anonymous]

I’m not convinced someone can become a pedo in a vacuum. Did you ever get “off” vibes from her or his father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man. That’s crazy. I don’t think you can rightly fault her with, “how did she not know?”…I think it’s definitely very possible that she really didn’t know. However, that they posted bail and have him back living there….I’m not sure I could overlook that. Is some weird small part of her believing there’s a way he really could be innocent?

I think she knows he did it, but I think she thinks it can be fixed with therapy. She wants him in a rehab center. Her DH is a functioning alcoholic and has been in and out of rehab and has been doing well since his last stint in 2018. I think she thinks he just needs to be fixed.

[Anonymous]

WOW, on the one hand, I cannot imagine dumping a best friend of over 40years because of what someone else did. She didn’t do it. On the other hand it’s the bailing him out, which she did, would be a problem for me. She bailed out a pervert and purveyor of CP…no, nope, naw.

My friendships of over 40 years are rock solid (since I am in my 40s these are childhood friends). One never knows what they would do unless actually faced with this but I think we would absolutely be having conversations about this and they would include is this true and if so “why did you bail him out”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not convinced someone can become a pedo in a vacuum. Did you ever get “off” vibes from her or his father?

Honestly, he’s not my favorite person. He is a lifelong functioning alcoholic, a misogynistic and generally just loud and abrasive. My friend is very introverted, possibly even meek. Do I think, or did I ever think, he was a pedophile or had ever/would ever abuse a child? No. I never got their vibes at all. But I also would have never thought their son would grow up to be the person he is today. He truly has everything going for him as a kid.

[Anonymous]

You are providing way too much identifying information about a situation that doesn't even involve you. Despite the crime possibly committed these people deserve confidentiality. From what you have provided most people could easily figure out who they are, at least anyone who happens to know them could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WOW, on the one hand, I cannot imagine dumping a best friend of over 40years because of what someone else did. She didn’t do it. On the other hand it’s the bailing him out, which she did, would be a problem for me. She bailed out a pervert and purveyor of CP…no, nope, naw.

My friendships of over 40 years are rock solid (since I am in my 40s these are childhood friends). One never knows what they would do unless actually faced with this but I think we would absolutely be having conversations about this and they would include is this true and if so “why did you bail him out”.

She is one of my oldest friends. We were roommates in college and have stayed close. We also live within the same town. She’s a lovely person. I’m just trying to put myself in her shoes. I love my children and would support them and love them though anything they could possible do. But would I bail out my child if they committed a crime like this? No. I don’t think they would. My love means holding my children accountable. But she’s always had an issue with that, especially when our kids were little.

Mostly I’m afraid if I am seen with her, that this will cause issues at my job. I know this is selfish, but I think I need to step back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are providing way too much identifying information about a situation that doesn't even involve you. Despite the crime possibly committed these people deserve confidentiality. From what you have provided most people could easily figure out who they are, at least anyone who happens to know them could.

We are not in DC or anywhere nearby. I suppose someone from my same small town could be on this website, but a lot of this information is already circling in our community. It is an easy Google.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOW, on the one hand, I cannot imagine dumping a best friend of over 40years because of what someone else did. She didn’t do it. On the other hand it’s the bailing him out, which she did, would be a problem for me. She bailed out a pervert and purveyor of CP…no, nope, naw.

My friendships of over 40 years are rock solid (since I am in my 40s these are childhood friends). One never knows what they would do unless actually faced with this but I think we would absolutely be having conversations about this and they would include is this true and if so “why did you bail him out”.

She is one of my oldest friends. We were roommates in college and have stayed close. We also live within the same town. She’s a lovely person. I’m just trying to put myself in her shoes. I love my children and would support them and love them though anything they could possible do. But would I bail out my child if they committed a crime like this? No. I don’t think they would. My love means holding my children accountable. But she’s always had an issue with that, especially when our kids were little.

Mostly I’m afraid if I am seen with her, that this will cause issues at my job. I know this is selfish, but I think I need to step back.

I’m the poster you are responding too. I get what you are saying and feeling. I understand self preservation as it were, so discussing that part on an anon board is ok. But it sounds like “oldest”friends now refers to time known and not affection. But either way, unless you all were regularly in the recent Covid 2022 past meeting up in person, you could talk to her on the phone, or invite her over. Not going out in person can be chalked up to work, Covid etc. You don’t have to be out around town to support her. But if she is a “dear” friend and not just an old friend, you may be able to help her open her 👀.

If she is just an old friend and you don’t want to be in her circle, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not convinced someone can become a pedo in a vacuum. Did you ever get “off” vibes from her or his father?

Honestly, he’s not my favorite person. He is a lifelong functioning alcoholic, a misogynistic and generally just loud and abrasive. My friend is very introverted, possibly even meek. Do I think, or did I ever think, he was a pedophile or had ever/would ever abuse a child? No. I never got their vibes at all. But I also would have never thought their son would grow up to be the person he is today. He truly has everything going for him as a kid.

CP come form all walks of life, OP. There was one who lived one door down in our last neighborhood, (apparently caught well after we moved there) and you would have never have thought. I mean really, who knows how long it was happening, in either case.

I don't know how much you can blame the parents, but they should have helped him more - sounds like he was enabled - maybe they thought everyone else was the problem, and it just snowballed until later in life. Never can tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WOW, on the one hand, I cannot imagine dumping a best friend of over 40years because of what someone else did. She didn’t do it. On the other hand it’s the bailing him out, which she did, would be a problem for me. She bailed out a pervert and purveyor of CP…no, nope, naw.

My friendships of over 40 years are rock solid (since I am in my 40s these are childhood friends). One never knows what they would do unless actually faced with this but I think we would absolutely be having conversations about this and they would include is this true and if so “why did you bail him out”.

She is one of my oldest friends. We were roommates in college and have stayed close. We also live within the same town. She’s a lovely person. I’m just trying to put myself in her shoes. I love my children and would support them and love them though anything they could possible do. But would I bail out my child if they committed a crime like this? No. I don’t think they would. My love means holding my children accountable. But she’s always had an issue with that, especially when our kids were little.

Mostly I’m afraid if I am seen with her, that this will cause issues at my job. I know this is selfish, but I think I need to step back.

There is your exact answer, OP - it was just a matter of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man. That’s crazy. I don’t think you can rightly fault her with, “how did she not know?”…I think it’s definitely very possible that she really didn’t know. However, that they posted bail and have him back living there….I’m not sure I could overlook that. Is some weird small part of her believing there’s a way he really could be innocent?

I think she knows he did it, but I think she thinks it can be fixed with therapy. She wants him in a rehab center. Her DH is a functioning alcoholic and has been in and out of rehab and has been doing well since his last stint in 2018. I think she thinks he just needs to be fixed.

She may believe he did it, but not have known in advance. This isn't something people tell their parents about! And in jail he may be really be a victim of violence.