Ill Narcissistic Mother...

[Anonymous]

I'm 48 and have had a lifelong difficult relationship with my Mom (75). She's a very high anxiety personality and a narcissist, which makes communicating with her extremely difficult. The sky is always falling in her world, she takes no interest in my life/family/children and nothing I say is ever right. I don't support her enough, I don't empathize enough, I don't say the right things. I don't do enough.

Therapists have told me I either need to cut her out of my life or maintain significant boundaries. Guilt has prevented me from cutting her out, plus I don't want to lose connection with my Dad.

25 years ago I moved away from where she & my Dad live, but my siblings live there locally. She still resents me moving and constantly throws it in my face. Has told me I'm disloyal. She also recently told me that I have always hated her bc I apparently told her I hated her when mad at her when I was 8.

A few yrs ago, my father was diagnosed with cancer, received treatment and went into remission. Then he was diagnosed with early dementia. He supported her through years of her own health problems but she constantly complains that dealing with his health problems (and the idea he might die) is far too overwhelming for her to have to deal with. She constantly talks about putting him in a facility by himself bc it's too much for her to deal with.

Today she received news she needs a procedure, she's very stressed about it and calls me "for support" but it's really the typical punching bag stuff. Nothing I say is supportive or empathetic. She's freaking out about things before having any of the facts or details, yelling at me that I'm being dismissive when trying to calm her down and focus on the facts. Unfortunately you can use readon with someone like this, it just makes them lash out at you.

I ended the call when she again turned the conversation on me, trying to force me to list things I actually like about her. Telling me I always thought she was a terrible mother. It's just too much.

All this is happening against the backdrop that earlier this week my Dad received news that his cancer is back and they have run out of treatment options. They're going to see if he qualifies for a trial in NY.

I'm constantly struggling with Mom and all her needs and I locked myself in the bathroom to melt down the other day realizing I'm really struggling to process my own fear/grief that my Dad may not be here much longer. There's no room for me to be sad or grieve. She wants us all to focus on her.

I also admit that after a lifetime of this BS, it triggers me and I'm exhausted. I try my best to be helpful/supportive but I really can't give her what she needs. I'm not a therapist. I can't change what's happening. She literally is a bottomless pit of need and is never happy. I'm exhausted.I have my own family, a full time job and I'm doing the best I can from another state.

She's getting worse as her own and my father's health problems get worse and I don't know what to do. This level of stress dealing with her could last for years. And I realize how callous that sounds bc most people have a loving relationship with their Mom and would be devastated losing her. I hate that I feel like it will be a relief. It sounds horrible even typing that out.

Anyway, I just booked a therapy session for myself, but can't get an opening for a few weeks. How do people with challenging parents get through this period? I worry I'm not being a good/present Mom to my kids bc I just want to cry a lot of the time after I talk with my Mom. I'm not really sure what I'm even asking. I'm just overwhelmed and don't know how to handle this.

[Anonymous]

I relate to so much of what you wrote. I wish we could meet for coffee. We have such similar mothers. I don't have time to write more now other than to say I completely get it. Therapy has helped. Detatching has helped. Things got worse after dad passed and I was her verbal punching bag often. I kept stepping backward...only meet in public, stopped calling, would only text because she was hostile by phone, always have witnesses, etc. Eventually it got really bad and I drew major lines in the sand because i have my own health scare and family stress with teens at home, etc and my FIL is very ill. We are "low contact" now and keep things very superficial.

[Anonymous]

Honestly your post shows zero empathy. Zero. So it sort of makes sense you mom is saying that about you. Sorry, OP.

Sounds like she's going through a lot. Really, A LOT. And your entire long post is about how the hell she's going through affects YOU.

Take a breath, OP. See how you can think about your mom for a minute.

[Anonymous]

You need to take some time off and go see your father before he passes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I relate to so much of what you wrote. I wish we could meet for coffee. We have such similar mothers. I don't have time to write more now other than to say I completely get it. Therapy has helped. Detatching has helped. Things got worse after dad passed and I was her verbal punching bag often. I kept stepping backward...only meet in public, stopped calling, would only text because she was hostile by phone, always have witnesses, etc. Eventually it got really bad and I drew major lines in the sand because i have my own health scare and family stress with teens at home, etc and my FIL is very ill. We are "low contact" now and keep things very superficial.

+1 Same here, can relate. I've had to reduce contact and avoid phone calls because one day I realized that whenever I walked away from a phone call with my mother I did not feel well--- I felt more depressed, stressed out, angry, etc. I often realize that the conversation wasn't any sort boon or value-add to my life. It just make me feel bad.

My family has a history of stressful, narcissistic parents who demand a lot from their adult children-- call me, pay attention to me, listen to me, call me, call me, call me-- and the adult children end up wasting valuable time wrapped up in unpleasant conversations-- best case, gossip, worst case badgering about why you don't make them happy. And you end up talking about them in therapy. If someone you have to interact with often puts you in therapy-- or you have to take anti-anxiety meds to deal with them-- it's time to reduce or eliminate contact. Too much maintenance for one relationship. So, yeah, I decided to jump off the crazy train. OP, get off the crazy train.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly your post shows zero empathy. Zero. So it sort of makes sense you mom is saying that about you. Sorry, OP.

Sounds like she's going through a lot. Really, A LOT. And your entire long post is about how the hell she's going through affects YOU.

Take a breath, OP. See how you can think about your mom for a minute.

Hmmmm, interesting take. OP is just sharing this sliver of her life from this moment. Sounds like the mom has always been quite demanding. I hope if I were to come to the point where my DH was dying, I would be able to weigh my grief and fear along with what our children might be feeling and not demand that they suppress any of their emotions in order to be 100% present for me and my feelings. I would like to still be able to have the perspective of being a parent to our adult children even while sharing my impending sense of loss of spouse and friend.

My mother was more irrationally similar to OP's mom. She wasn't consistently selfish or kind, but mercurial enough that I knew we would not be able to have her live with us for the sake of our kids and DH. I was not always able to resist the bait, but once I made more of the pivot in that I was becoming the parent in the relationship, I was better able to handle it. She was thrown a lot of curve balls and probably didn't have the best resources to handle them, so that helped me have empathy during the trying times.

My MiL is probably not as bad as OP's mom, but fairly self involved. She can be kind and tries to be thoughtful, though she does have unreasonable expectations of us, even as adult children. Our family was going through a very tough time, fairly brutal. We were not overly involving his parents as it was way out of their league. The first time we saw them in four months, MiL just started in on DH on how hard this was all on her. She just went on and on. DH was kind of distraught. I told him that sounded really hard, but that a parent shouldn't share that with a child, or at least in that moment. She should talk to her DH, her siblings, her faith leader, maybe a shrink, but she shouldn't come to the folks in crisis and say, "hey, what about me?"

[Anonymous]

Op here...

Thank you first responder. I appreciate your support!

Wow...there are some very interesting responses here that sound a lot more like what I shared triggered you. Sorry for that.

I trust the therapists I've sought advice from over the years and my own siblings who share and also continue to struggle with this very difficult relationship/situation over your insistence that I'm the problem. Doesn't sound like you've experienced having a mentally ill parent who will not get treatment.

My mother blew up relationships with all her siblings and my father's siblings when we were teens. We lost all extended family bc they refused to deal with her behavior. When I maintained a relationship with my same age cousins or as an adult reconnected with my dad's brothers I was berated for being disloyal.

My mother told me on multiple occasions when I was pregnant I shouldn't bother having any children bc I didn't live nearby her.

I left my own family here for weeks on multiple occasions and lived/worked from their house when my Mom had a surgery, and again when my Dad had a stem cell transplant and two other hospitalizations. Driving her to appointments, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, stocking the fridge and freezer with premade meals before I left, keeping her company etc. I took all the abuse she dished out at me bc she was anxious or angry or frustrated and it makes her feel better to call her kids names and say hateful things. I handled it as best I could.

Those who know me know I've done a lot for my parents and most don't understand why I still do for all the things she's done to take her emotions out on me over the years.

I was just asking how others who might understand how they get through difficult times like this... If you don't understand, good, I'm glad you haven't dealt with this. I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone.

[Anonymous]

OP again... I am seeing my father. I spent a week visiting in June and we're going again this week.

Thanks for the suggestion. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here...

Thank you first responder. I appreciate your support!

Wow...there are some very interesting responses here that sound a lot more like what I shared triggered you. Sorry for that.

I trust the therapists I've sought advice from over the years and my own siblings who share and also continue to struggle with this very difficult relationship/situation over your insistence that I'm the problem. Doesn't sound like you've experienced having a mentally ill parent who will not get treatment.

My mother blew up relationships with all her siblings and my father's siblings when we were teens. We lost all extended family bc they refused to deal with her behavior. When I maintained a relationship with my same age cousins or as an adult reconnected with my dad's brothers I was berated for being disloyal.

My mother told me on multiple occasions when I was pregnant I shouldn't bother having any children bc I didn't live nearby her.

I left my own family here for weeks on multiple occasions and lived/worked from their house when my Mom had a surgery, and again when my Dad had a stem cell transplant and two other hospitalizations. Driving her to appointments, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, stocking the fridge and freezer with premade meals before I left, keeping her company etc. I took all the abuse she dished out at me bc she was anxious or angry or frustrated and it makes her feel better to call her kids names and say hateful things. I handled it as best I could.

Those who know me know I've done a lot for my parents and most don't understand why I still do for all the things she's done to take her emotions out on me over the years.

I was just asking how others who might understand how they get through difficult times like this... If you don't understand, good, I'm glad you haven't dealt with this. I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone.

Hugs to you, OP. I had a similar situation before my parents passed recently. I don’t have professional level advice, only suggestions around the edges. I tried to spend as much time with my kids and DH as I could. Being able to spend time loving on them helped. We have had a dog most of the time for the past 20+ years - they love you simply for coming home and you can tell them anything and they will not look at you differently and they won’t repeat what you said. I also developed a severe reality television addiction to get a laugh from people getting so upset about the stupidest things. Finally, I kept my favorite “good cry” books and movies handy. When I needed to get out my grief and get on with my day, I could use one to trigger the emotional release that I knew would end up cathartic.

Take care of yourself and be well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again... I am seeing my father. I spent a week visiting in June and we're going again this week.

Thanks for the suggestion. 🙄

You focus on him and just getting to your next therapy appointment.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. They are really hard to handle. My MIL is like this and I was able to reduce contact however DH is pushed and pulled by her. Nothing is ever enough, a bottomless pit of need and she lashes out when upset. Dh, FIL and I are all sick and what does MIL say "What happens if I get sick". Yep all me, me, me. It's hard.

I hope the therapist gives you some advice or an ear to vent however I would spend as much time as you can with your dad until he passes and then put some strict boundaries in place with your mom. Reduce some contact and stop communicating when she lashes out. If you are on the phone and she becomes unpleasant it's simply Ok well I have to go now, bye. At least don't react to anything she says.

There really is nothing that will change her or make her stop. It's just finding ways for you to cope better for you. Sorry you have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

She will never change. And the reality is that you are putting your father on a pedestal he likely doesn’t deserve. He left you exposed to this woman at all times. It doesn’t sound like he stood up for you or protected you.

But I get it, your dad is the hero compared to your mom and you want to see him. So go see him. And then be prepared to cut your mom off once your dad is gone.

I have very little to do with my narcissistic father since my mom died. It is wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, people like OP’s mother tend to live forever.

[Anonymous]

Wow. You all are mothers yourselves?

[Anonymous]

Your mom put up with you as a kid. It’s your turn now. You are fortunate to have siblings to share the load. Your kids are watching how you deal with your mom.