Ill Narcissistic Mother...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly your post shows zero empathy. Zero. So it sort of makes sense you mom is saying that about you. Sorry, OP.

Sounds like she's going through a lot. Really, A LOT. And your entire long post is about how the hell she's going through affects YOU.

Take a breath, OP. See how you can think about your mom for a minute.

Her entire post is about her because she’s asking us for help in dealing with her feelings. She’s not obligated to present a balanced view that addresses all sides. And part of her experience sounds like she has empathy fatigue because of the way her mother has been all these years.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP.

Empathy fatigue is an interesting way to think about it. I think you're right.

I am a mother and have kids of my own that I'm trying to do right by. I need to keep my job. I'm doing the best I can.

I'm really grateful to have my siblings. We support each other as she cycles through being angry at each of us in turn.

My parents gave us a great childhood. It all unraveled when I was in middle school and my Mom's mental health collapsed. This has been going on since then. It's not new behavior.

My parents have a lot of retirement money saved but my Mom won't spend any to get my Dad an aide or additional help in the house. And she doesn't want to have to help him herself. She's afraid of running out of money for herself after he's gone. She doesn't want to move him to a facility bc it's expensive, and he's refusing to go too. On and on this goes no matter how we all try to help or provide resources.

What people don't understand is that reason and logic can't penetrate when someone is constantly melting down over the disaster scenario du jour.

Yesterday she was screaming at me because it will be too hot to eat cake at the pool and my brother needs to leave early to do something for his kid which is unacceptable. When I make suggestions of what we can do it's all impossible, I have no idea what I'm talking about and why do I hate her so much. I'm a terrible daughter who has never been supportive or empathetic. It goes for the jugular fast unfortunately.

'm tired of crying. I'm exhausted. I'm having stress dreams. I'm just barely holding it all together.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. I don't have any practical advice; I just know that it's not OK to treat your children the way your mom has treated/treats you.

I guess I would just say that whatever coping mechanisms you come up with, be prepared to need them a lot. It seems pretty logical to expect her issues to get worse after losing your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly your post shows zero empathy. Zero. So it sort of makes sense you mom is saying that about you. Sorry, OP.

Sounds like she's going through a lot. Really, A LOT. And your entire long post is about how the hell she's going through affects YOU.

Take a breath, OP. See how you can think about your mom for a minute.

I posted already and relate a lot to OPs post. I had plenty of empathy for my mother as I am sure OP does as well. The issue is a mentally ill person who refuses proper treatment. my mother wanted me to be everything to her-her therapist, her verbal punching bag, her assistant with dad, her slave (I lived closer). Your child cannot be your emotional dumping ground, nor can a friend for that matter. It is imperative to get the therapy, join the support groups, spread things out with friends so you don't just dump it all on one. You also need to have boundaries. The days I could be her therapist, etc she abused her power as mom and lashed out and went after every hot button in an attempt to get me to bend to her will. She was absolutely abusive and every boundary eventually got violated so I had to set bigger ones ans have zero tolerance.

You know what? I have faced far more stress than my mother. I am not going to go into detail, but far more. I knew she was incapable of even playing a tiny roll in my support system. I didn't throw temper tantrums and give people verbal beatings. I got myself help, found other people in the same boat and still I tread water and swim because sadly these are all ongoing stressors that may last a lifetime.

If you are going through as you say "a lot. Really A LOT" it is not an excuse to rage at people. Sorry, it's not, IT'S NOT! You put on your big girl pants, get help and move forward. To the poster, above, take a breath and think about human decency for a minute.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry you're going through this absolute sh*tstorm with your family.

My advice is to focus on your dad and spending some quality time with him. He sounds terminal though you've not used that word.

When he goes your mother will lose all her power because it sounds like the set up is very much the classic narcissist parent & enabler parent.

That will help in some ways obviously, though it will also be an enormous loss to you when your dad eventually goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom put up with you as a kid. It’s your turn now. You are fortunate to have siblings to share the load. Your kids are watching how you deal with your mom.

NP. You sound nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom put up with you as a kid. It’s your turn now. You are fortunate to have siblings to share the load. Your kids are watching how you deal with your mom.

NP. You sound nuts.

Yes, your kids are watching. They need to learn that abusive behavior is not OK. They need to see how we set healthy boundaries. They need to see that even family are not allowed to treat you like garbage. They are watching so set those boundaries as an example.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am so sorry about your father and for everything you have gone through with your mother. Also, please ignore the posters who don’t understand your mother’s abuse and narcissism. My MIL is similar (although not nearly as bad). Also, since I did not grow up with her, her statements do not affect me nearly as much as they do my dh and my now adult children. Fortunately, my children know that she is not a model mother/grandmother and that she has “issues” and dh knows that she will never change and never admit that she was wrong about anything so arguing isn’t worth it. Like you, we moved out of state years ago and that was a blessing. You need to do what you can to protect your mental health. If that means you and your siblings can combine resources to pay for help for your father (if that is a possibility), do what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here...

Thank you first responder. I appreciate your support!

Wow...there are some very interesting responses here that sound a lot more like what I shared triggered you. Sorry for that.

I trust the therapists I've sought advice from over the years and my own siblings who share and also continue to struggle with this very difficult relationship/situation over your insistence that I'm the problem. Doesn't sound like you've experienced having a mentally ill parent who will not get treatment.

My mother blew up relationships with all her siblings and my father's siblings when we were teens. We lost all extended family bc they refused to deal with her behavior. When I maintained a relationship with my same age cousins or as an adult reconnected with my dad's brothers I was berated for being disloyal.

My mother told me on multiple occasions when I was pregnant I shouldn't bother having any children bc I didn't live nearby her.

I left my own family here for weeks on multiple occasions and lived/worked from their house when my Mom had a surgery, and again when my Dad had a stem cell transplant and two other hospitalizations. Driving her to appointments, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, stocking the fridge and freezer with premade meals before I left, keeping her company etc. I took all the abuse she dished out at me bc she was anxious or angry or frustrated and it makes her feel better to call her kids names and say hateful things. I handled it as best I could.

Those who know me know I've done a lot for my parents and most don't understand why I still do for all the things she's done to take her emotions out on me over the years.

I was just asking how others who might understand how they get through difficult times like this... If you don't understand, good, I'm glad you haven't dealt with this. I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone.

Hugs to you, OP. I had a similar situation before my parents passed recently. I don’t have professional level advice, only suggestions around the edges. I tried to spend as much time with my kids and DH as I could. Being able to spend time loving on them helped. We have had a dog most of the time for the past 20+ years - they love you simply for coming home and you can tell them anything and they will not look at you differently and they won’t repeat what you said. I also developed a severe reality television addiction to get a laugh from people getting so upset about the stupidest things. Finally, I kept my favorite “good cry” books and movies handy. When I needed to get out my grief and get on with my day, I could use one to trigger the emotional release that I knew would end up cathartic.

Take care of yourself and be well.

A big issue here is that there are many older people-- in particular, babyboomers-- who refuse to go for therapy. Their parents never went to therapy, either, because that was for people who belonged in mental institutions. As a result, they never received help for anxiety and depression. Those with personality disorders think it's everyone else, not them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here...

Thank you first responder. I appreciate your support!

Wow...there are some very interesting responses here that sound a lot more like what I shared triggered you. Sorry for that.

I trust the therapists I've sought advice from over the years and my own siblings who share and also continue to struggle with this very difficult relationship/situation over your insistence that I'm the problem. Doesn't sound like you've experienced having a mentally ill parent who will not get treatment.

My mother blew up relationships with all her siblings and my father's siblings when we were teens. We lost all extended family bc they refused to deal with her behavior. When I maintained a relationship with my same age cousins or as an adult reconnected with my dad's brothers I was berated for being disloyal.

My mother told me on multiple occasions when I was pregnant I shouldn't bother having any children bc I didn't live nearby her.

I left my own family here for weeks on multiple occasions and lived/worked from their house when my Mom had a surgery, and again when my Dad had a stem cell transplant and two other hospitalizations. Driving her to appointments, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, stocking the fridge and freezer with premade meals before I left, keeping her company etc. I took all the abuse she dished out at me bc she was anxious or angry or frustrated and it makes her feel better to call her kids names and say hateful things. I handled it as best I could.

Those who know me know I've done a lot for my parents and most don't understand why I still do for all the things she's done to take her emotions out on me over the years.

I was just asking how others who might understand how they get through difficult times like this... If you don't understand, good, I'm glad you haven't dealt with this. I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone.

PP here who also has a difficult elderly mother (really, it's both of my parents who are difficult). Mine have the same issue-- they've had fallouts with many other relatives so now they really don't have any other family besides myself, my kids and one other adult child without kids. So, yeah, they put all of their energy into us and it's suffocating. I've had to remind myself many times, in therapy too, that I'm not responsible for their happiness. I can't twist myself into a pretzel so they feel fulfilled and needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here...

Thank you first responder. I appreciate your support!

Wow...there are some very interesting responses here that sound a lot more like what I shared triggered you. Sorry for that.

I trust the therapists I've sought advice from over the years and my own siblings who share and also continue to struggle with this very difficult relationship/situation over your insistence that I'm the problem. Doesn't sound like you've experienced having a mentally ill parent who will not get treatment.

My mother blew up relationships with all her siblings and my father's siblings when we were teens. We lost all extended family bc they refused to deal with her behavior. When I maintained a relationship with my same age cousins or as an adult reconnected with my dad's brothers I was berated for being disloyal.

My mother told me on multiple occasions when I was pregnant I shouldn't bother having any children bc I didn't live nearby her.

I left my own family here for weeks on multiple occasions and lived/worked from their house when my Mom had a surgery, and again when my Dad had a stem cell transplant and two other hospitalizations. Driving her to appointments, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, stocking the fridge and freezer with premade meals before I left, keeping her company etc. I took all the abuse she dished out at me bc she was anxious or angry or frustrated and it makes her feel better to call her kids names and say hateful things. I handled it as best I could.

Those who know me know I've done a lot for my parents and most don't understand why I still do for all the things she's done to take her emotions out on me over the years.

I was just asking how others who might understand how they get through difficult times like this... If you don't understand, good, I'm glad you haven't dealt with this. I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone.

Hugs to you, OP. I had a similar situation before my parents passed recently. I don’t have professional level advice, only suggestions around the edges. I tried to spend as much time with my kids and DH as I could. Being able to spend time loving on them helped. We have had a dog most of the time for the past 20+ years - they love you simply for coming home and you can tell them anything and they will not look at you differently and they won’t repeat what you said. I also developed a severe reality television addiction to get a laugh from people getting so upset about the stupidest things. Finally, I kept my favorite “good cry” books and movies handy. When I needed to get out my grief and get on with my day, I could use one to trigger the emotional release that I knew would end up cathartic.

Take care of yourself and be well.

A big issue here is that there are many older people-- in particular, babyboomers-- who refuse to go for therapy. Their parents never went to therapy, either, because that was for people who belonged in mental institutions. As a result, they never received help for anxiety and depression. Those with personality disorders think it's everyone else, not them.

THIS, but even if you get doctors and relatives to FINALLY convince them to go to therapy, they are already 5 alarm fires. The idea time to go to therapy is early on when there is the spark of depression/anxiety or whatever setting in and you are seeing signs your coping mechanisms are not enough or you are choosing unhealthy methods. You work together to put out the itty bitty fire and prevent future flames from erupting. My mom finally tried therapy when 5 alarm fires were raging and then she raged when it didn't do much after a few sessions. She even tried meds and felt better over time, but every single time (and at this point it's probably dozens of times) she feels better, she goes off. Everyone has told her not to do that. It sets her back into rage fits and tantrums, but she is used to having disdain, and contempt for the mentally ill and she absolutely refuses to accept she HATED in others, what she truly hated in herself. She mocked the person debilitated by mental health issues as she raged at me (mostly), but also doctors and others when I backed off. She mocked people who can't coped with life all while she announced she would divorce dad rather than putting him in a memory care would he could be safe from her resentment and rage. Thank goodness the tides are changing and we see therapy more as part of wellness, strength and resilience, rather than as something to be embarrassed by and ashamed of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. You all are mothers yourselves?

Found the narcissist.

[Anonymous]

We need to be aware of power differentials when looking for support. Asking your kids at any age to be your primary and too often only form of support abuses power. It's like your boss making you their number one confidant. Your parent lashing out and you, rejecting you, belittling you is an attempt to force you to keep the role and you cannot give truthful feedback without fear of retribution. Id you treat a friend the same way some of our parents treat us, the fried would likely have an easier time setting a boundary and telling you you need professional help. If you treat a trained professional this way the person would tell you to move on because you violated professional boundaries. Stress is never an excuse for abuse.

We all have options when dealing with a never ending supply of lemons from life. It's a combination of therapy, sometimes meds, seeing friends, exercise and other replenishing activities and sure spending time with family while respecting the fact nobody can be your garbage can/emotional dumping ground.

Even in adulthood you cannot expect your adult child to be your therapist or best and only friend. Even worse is to tantrum and try to make it so.

[Anonymous]

A big issue here is that there are many older people-- in particular, babyboomers-- who refuse to go for therapy. Their parents never went to therapy, either, because that was for people who belonged in mental institutions. As a result, they never received help for anxiety and depression. Those with personality disorders think it's everyone else, not them.

Haha, so true. My narcissistic mother (a therapist herself) rejects therapy because “she’s not crazy” (god knows what she thought of her patients) and was just this week telling me how she believes she has PTSD and doesn’t need to see a counselor because she knows what to do to fix it.