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[quote=Anonymous]I'm 48 and have had a lifelong difficult relationship with my Mom (75). She's a very high anxiety personality and a narcissist, which makes communicating with her extremely difficult. The sky is always falling in her world, she takes no interest in my life/family/children and nothing I say is ever right. I don't support her enough, I don't empathize enough, I don't say the right things. I don't do enough.

Therapists have told me I either need to cut her out of my life or maintain significant boundaries. Guilt has prevented me from cutting her out, plus I don't want to lose connection with my Dad.

25 years ago I moved away from where she & my Dad live, but my siblings live there locally. She still resents me moving and constantly throws it in my face. Has told me I'm disloyal. She also recently told me that I have always hated her bc I apparently told her I hated her when mad at her when I was 8.

A few yrs ago, my father was diagnosed with cancer, received treatment and went into remission. Then he was diagnosed with early dementia.  He supported her through years of her own health problems but she constantly complains that dealing with his health problems (and the idea he might die) is far too overwhelming for her to have to deal with. She constantly talks about putting him in a facility by himself bc it's too much for her to deal with.

Today she received news she needs a procedure, she's very stressed about it and calls me "for support" but it's really the typical punching bag stuff. Nothing I say is supportive or empathetic. She's freaking out about things before having any of the facts or details, yelling at me that I'm being dismissive when trying to calm her down and focus on the facts. Unfortunately you can use readon with someone like this, it just makes them lash out at you.

I ended the call when she again turned the conversation on me, trying to force me to list things I actually like about her. Telling me I always thought she was a terrible mother. It's just too much.

All this is happening against the backdrop that earlier this week my Dad received news that his cancer is back and they have run out of treatment options. They're going to see if he qualifies for a trial in NY.

I'm constantly struggling with Mom and all her needs and I locked myself in the bathroom to melt down the other day realizing I'm really struggling to process my own fear/grief that my Dad may not be here much longer. There's no room for me to be sad or grieve. She wants us all to focus on her.

I also admit that after a lifetime of this BS, it triggers me and I'm exhausted. I try my best to be helpful/supportive but I really can't give her what she needs. I'm not a therapist. I can't change what's happening. She literally is a bottomless pit of need and is never happy. I'm exhausted.I have my own family, a full time job and I'm doing the best I can from another state.

She's getting worse as her own and my father's health problems get worse and I don't know what to do. This level of stress dealing with her could last for years. And I realize how callous that sounds bc most people have a loving relationship with their Mom and would be devastated losing her. I hate that I feel like it will be a relief. It sounds horrible even typing that out.

Anyway, I just booked a therapy session for myself, but can't get an opening for a few weeks. How do people with challenging parents get through this period? I worry I'm not being a good/present Mom to my kids bc I just want to cry a lot of the time after I talk with my Mom. I'm not really sure what I'm even asking. I'm just overwhelmed and don't know how to handle this.
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