How to diffuse defensiveness

[Anonymous]

How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?" literally that level of interaction)

[Anonymous]

Mine is this way too. It’s very annoying and unproductive! Wish I had advice.

[Anonymous]

You can’t change him you can only change your response to him.

[Anonymous]

You could sit down and tell him what you just wrote and then point it out to him every time he does it until he sees your point. He will probably get defensive and argue at first but if you are right and he has a brain then eventually he will see it too.

[Anonymous]

Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?" literally that level of interaction)

I think marriage counseling specifically to work on communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line done. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

This all sounds incredibly condescending and is bound to annoy the guy even further. Best to just say nothing and leave the room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?" literally that level of interaction)

Huh I was expecting to be in your side completely but can you see how both examples come across as he should be doing something that he’s not? I don’t think you can really be the judge of if you are nagging him or not. Like your coughing is gross and why have you not called the lawn guys yet. I mean he shouldn’t yell or anything but if he’s snapping back I said I’ll do it today! Or something like that I think you have to really examine your own motivation. I am much more type A and do things faster than my husband and that’s been challenging for our relationship for years so something like me offering to take over one of “his” tasks can feel like a criticism. So I let it go or just do it myself. But this is why we split our tasks into things he cares about vs. things I care about- he will do the stuff he cares about even if it’s not as fast as I want.

I mean if he’s screaming or name calling or it’s all day every day definitely go for counseling or at least ask him what is up but your two examples seem like things a reasonable person could feel a little defensive about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line done. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?" literally that level of interaction)

So I get where you’re coming from, because I slip into similar behavior of “can I get you a cough drop?” BUT honestly I think that behavior can be really annoying. It feels like being treated like a child. My parents are like this, when I visit them it’s non-stop offers to help and it drives me crazy.

The lawn thing is also kind of weird. If it’s his job to call the lawn guys, just let him do his job. If it’s not his job but you noticed it needs work, just call them yourself. I’d be exhausted if my H asked me everything, I just want him to do it without needing to ask if I want him to.

You say you’ve examined your own motivations, but have you really? Because he doesn’t want help, yet you keep offering it. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?" literally that level of interaction)

Doctor, heal thyself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line done. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

It’s a passive aggressive classic.

[Anonymous]

I have called it out directly in a calm way, after the fact. At first this just makes him defensive again (lol) but if I do it in a way that is not blaming, just matter of fact, he does start to see how his emotional reaction to really simple things like, yes, offering to do something, just creates conflict.

I also sometimes start conversations with him by stating my motivations up front. Something like "Just to be clear, I am offering this because I know you have a busy work week and I don't want to take something off your plate -- I am not implying that I don't trust you to do this or that I don't think you'll do a good job. I am really just trying to be a supportive partner here." Yes, kind of a pain, but worth it if it works.

Also, if there is some topic around which he is always defensive, maybe explore that directly. My DH used to get insanely defensive around a couple parenting things because he was feeling insecure about parenting in general. Talking about it helped him understand that I have faith in his parenting abilities, and also helped me learn that there are certain times when I should not provide input, and also certain ways of providing input that are more helpful and less likely to provoke defensiveness. For instance, we have a super picky eater and there are some things that can make pickiness much worse (like giving her a huge serving of anything, even a food she really loves). If I critique my DH in the moment ("whoa that is way too much Mac and cheese, can you scoop off half of that?") he will get defensive because he feels like he's being called out in front of the kids. But if I just let it go that time, and then wait until he says "ugh, why won't she eat this, she usually likes this," I can say "hmmm, I wonder if maybe it's a serving size thing -- maybe we should use the smaller bowls for Mac and cheese from now on, and wait to see if she want's seconds. I think read in one of those picky eater books that small servings can help with this."

Again, is this annoying to have to do this? Yes. It takes more time and I feel like I'm babying him a bit. But if it's just around one issue about which I know he's sensitive, I don't mind so much. Knowing his triggers has helped me navigate his defensiveness in general.

[Anonymous]

As a man I will say my wife does this and it irritates me as well. But I also know objectively she is doing nothing wrong. She is trying to be helpful and supportive and it's my perception of it. Sometimes I feel it's controlling or that it's criticizing me in some way and truthfully sometimes it is (controlling and critical) and sometimes it isn't. But what really irritates me is that I continue to express a dislike for it and she continues to do it. It's as if she ignores my wishes simply to assert her own. That is why I feel it's controlling and why it irritates me. But for the record, you are almost certainly doing nothing wrong.