How to diffuse defensiveness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?" literally that level of interaction)

I notice that you tend to phrase things as simple requests. Try changing your comments from questions/requests to statements to see if he reacts better to those.

Instead of "can I get you a cough drop?" try "I noticed you have a cough." You could add "I hope you're okay."
Instead of "Would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn." try "I notice the lawn is getting high again."

These statements call attention to whatever it is, but do not demand a response from him. And it leaves it up to him if he chooses to respond. He may feel that the questions/requests feel demanding that he stop what he is doing and respond when he may not want to. For people who have attention issues and want to maintain focus, interruptions, especially ones that demand attention and response, can be particularly annoying. So try communicating in statements where he can choose to respond or not rather than demanding a response from every interaction.

Interesting thought.I definitely am more straight forward than my husband is and also sometimes jump into the middle of a thought. This could be part of the problem.

Regarding the cough example, the interaction started with "are you ok? you are coughing a lot" ... he said he wasn't. Then he said "Jesus" under his breath.

To a PP, How does he want to be treated? I has said he'd prefer that I ignore anything he does that is just a given. But to me, none of it is a given. Just because taking out the trash isn't a big chore it still saves me from doing it myself. He isn't obligated to do that, and it is nice that he does it.

It sounds like you think that if you have good intentions you can just ignore his wishes. Which is basically telling him that his wishes are wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP, you ask him too many nit-picking questions OR you just basically talk too much. There's too much chatter.

[Anonymous]

As long as you aren’t going I to it with something against which he actually needs to defend himself, the only way to diffuse is to disengage.

I would do therapy/relationship coaching on this. I did and it helped a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

This all sounds incredibly condescending and is bound to annoy the guy even further. Best to just say nothing and leave the room.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s very subtle but something in your posts make me wonder if you actually like your husband. If you grew up being forced to be nice (ostensibly in situations when you didn’t always want to), is it possible you feel some sense of obligation to him, the marriage, vs having agency over your own interests, desires, and preferences?

[Anonymous]

I would be so irritated if you constantly thanked me for going grocery shopping, taking out the trash, etc.
Leave people alone. If I want a cough drop, I will ask for one.
You are totally blind to your own shortcomings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line done. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

It’s a passive aggressive classic.

Addressing behavior head-on is the opposite of passive-aggressive.

Of course. Cloaking it as “just trying to help” is passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

I mean this gently, but you sound a little clueless. If I bought my H something at the store, and the first words out of his mouth were “I prefer the other brand”, I’d be pretty irritated and would tell him to do his own shopping from now on.

Of course these aren't the first words out of my mouth. I do understand time and place. The first words out of my mouth when my DH comes home with food are "Thank you." I might make such a comment while I was eating the cottage cheese days later and it would just come out as a oh, I think I like X better than X. But there is no doubt, if I was unloading the groceries that my DH brought home and I commented on on the food then I'd be the one shopping, because what an a$$ I'd be.

Yes, I express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever) all the time. There is no lack of appreciation for what he does. If anything, it is the other way around, I annoy him a little by thanking him for things he feels I should take for granted (like taking out the trash, or doing grocery shopping). But I do continue to do so because 1) it was pounded into me as a child, and 2) because I like to be thanked for my efforts as well.

Exactly, you treat him the way you were trained and want to be treated, not the way he’s specifically asked you to treat him.

[Anonymous]

I suppose that’s true. It’s a challenge to not be outwardly grateful for something you really are grateful for. But yes I’ve not respected his wishes that what he does not be noticed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suppose that’s true. It’s a challenge to not be outwardly grateful for something you really are grateful for. But yes I’ve not respected his wishes that what he does not be noticed.

Keep in mind that someone falling all over themselves over something normal and expected can feel patronizing. If he liked your praise (some people do . . . . my husband is like this) that would be one thing. But if you're making him feel like you're a parent trying to rah rah a kid into doing their chores, then your efforts are for naught.

[Anonymous]

It’s “defuse” not “diffuse”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?" literally that level of interaction)

I notice that you tend to phrase things as simple requests. Try changing your comments from questions/requests to statements to see if he reacts better to those.

Instead of "can I get you a cough drop?" try "I noticed you have a cough." You could add "I hope you're okay."
Instead of "Would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn." try "I notice the lawn is getting high again."

These statements call attention to whatever it is, but do not demand a response from him. And it leaves it up to him if he chooses to respond. He may feel that the questions/requests feel demanding that he stop what he is doing and respond when he may not want to. For people who have attention issues and want to maintain focus, interruptions, especially ones that demand attention and response, can be particularly annoying. So try communicating in statements where he can choose to respond or not rather than demanding a response from every interaction.

Interesting thought.I definitely am more straight forward than my husband is and also sometimes jump into the middle of a thought. This could be part of the problem.

Regarding the cough example, the interaction started with "are you ok? you are coughing a lot" ... he said he wasn't. Then he said "Jesus" under his breath.

To a PP, How does he want to be treated? I has said he'd prefer that I ignore anything he does that is just a given. But to me, none of it is a given. Just because taking out the trash isn't a big chore it still saves me from doing it myself. He isn't obligated to do that, and it is nice that he does it.

I'm the PP you are responding to. Here's my 2 cents.

Gratitude like you were taught is for unequal situations. A host thanks a guest for doing things that are courtesies and beyond what they need to do. A guest thanks a host for doing things that are gracious hospitality.

But between equals that share responsibilities, you don't need to express gratitude. Unless you believe that the shopping is your job that he is doing for you, or that he is offering you gracious hospitality for shared household duties, you really should not be thanking him. You are setting your household up to be unequal that doing shared chores and duties need to have gratitude expressed. Unless this is a household job that is assigned to you and he is doing you a favor by doing some of your share of the household work to give you a break, you don't express gratitude. If shopping is a shared responsibility, then either one of you, as equals, can do it, and does not require thanks.

This is the same argument that is made frequently when it comes to childcare. Many people have flagged that mothers should not have to thank fathers for doing their share of childcare duties. Too often, the assumption is made that childcare duties are the mother's jobs and that men are "babysitting" their own children when they do childcare. Or they are helping to take care of their own children when they do childcare duties. But this isn't the case. If a father comes home from work and has to take his turn doing childcare duties or household chores because the mother has been doing everything for the last 12 hours, then the mother should not need to express gratitude for him doing his fair share of the work.

If you worked in an office and you had a coworker that did the same work as you and you both got about half of the tasks in that category, would you be thanking your coworker every day for doing her half of the work? When you thank him for basic chores and responsibilities you are setting up an unequal situation rather than a situation of coequals that are sharing duties. You should reframe your thinking from the unequal balance that your mother taught you when it was a parent-child relationship to one of equals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?" literally that level of interaction)

I notice that you tend to phrase things as simple requests. Try changing your comments from questions/requests to statements to see if he reacts better to those.

Instead of "can I get you a cough drop?" try "I noticed you have a cough." You could add "I hope you're okay."
Instead of "Would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn." try "I notice the lawn is getting high again."

These statements call attention to whatever it is, but do not demand a response from him. And it leaves it up to him if he chooses to respond. He may feel that the questions/requests feel demanding that he stop what he is doing and respond when he may not want to. For people who have attention issues and want to maintain focus, interruptions, especially ones that demand attention and response, can be particularly annoying. So try communicating in statements where he can choose to respond or not rather than demanding a response from every interaction.

Interesting thought.I definitely am more straight forward than my husband is and also sometimes jump into the middle of a thought. This could be part of the problem.

Regarding the cough example, the interaction started with "are you ok? you are coughing a lot" ... he said he wasn't. Then he said "Jesus" under his breath.

To a PP, How does he want to be treated? I has said he'd prefer that I ignore anything he does that is just a given. But to me, none of it is a given. Just because taking out the trash isn't a big chore it still saves me from doing it myself. He isn't obligated to do that, and it is nice that he does it.

I'm the PP you are responding to. Here's my 2 cents.

Gratitude like you were taught is for unequal situations. A host thanks a guest for doing things that are courtesies and beyond what they need to do. A guest thanks a host for doing things that are gracious hospitality.

But between equals that share responsibilities, you don't need to express gratitude. Unless you believe that the shopping is your job that he is doing for you, or that he is offering you gracious hospitality for shared household duties, you really should not be thanking him. You are setting your household up to be unequal that doing shared chores and duties need to have gratitude expressed. Unless this is a household job that is assigned to you and he is doing you a favor by doing some of your share of the household work to give you a break, you don't express gratitude. If shopping is a shared responsibility, then either one of you, as equals, can do it, and does not require thanks.

This is the same argument that is made frequently when it comes to childcare. Many people have flagged that mothers should not have to thank fathers for doing their share of childcare duties. Too often, the assumption is made that childcare duties are the mother's jobs and that men are "babysitting" their own children when they do childcare. Or they are helping to take care of their own children when they do childcare duties. But this isn't the case. If a father comes home from work and has to take his turn doing childcare duties or household chores because the mother has been doing everything for the last 12 hours, then the mother should not need to express gratitude for him doing his fair share of the work.

If you worked in an office and you had a coworker that did the same work as you and you both got about half of the tasks in that category, would you be thanking your coworker every day for doing her half of the work? When you thank him for basic chores and responsibilities you are setting up an unequal situation rather than a situation of coequals that are sharing duties. You should reframe your thinking from the unequal balance that your mother taught you when it was a parent-child relationship to one of equals.

NP. But this is not at all what marriage counselors have been drilling into us for a decade. It's like Common Knowledge 101 that you should always express appreciation, so no one feels taken for granted.

I had a surly husband who told me after YEARS of me thanking him that it annoyed him. At the same time, he was also developing bipolar disorder that made him contrarian and irritated about everything, and he was also cheating on me, which made him find fault with me for imaginary things. And then he'd turn around and accuse me of not appreciating him. You just can't win with some whiners, and if you take issue with your spouse lovingly showing you respect and appreciation, you're the pain in the ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

+1

Also I’m still confused about the cough drop. You had that exchange, where he was clearly not appreciating your comments on his coughing and then asked to get him a cough drop? I don’t like some one sort of semi-swearing under their breath but how on earth did you think it would be helpful to keep up when he’s already let you know strongly that you are irritating him? I am genuinely confused. I feel like this is another example of you thinking you know what he needs (cough drop) and ignoring what he’s telling you (stop talking about my cough). I know people like this in real life (think their good motives/knowing better than others) justifies whatever and it’s a constant source of frustration. Maybe you guys both have something to work on in marriage counseling.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

I mean this gently, but you sound a little clueless. If I bought my H something at the store, and the first words out of his mouth were “I prefer the other brand”, I’d be pretty irritated and would tell him to do his own shopping from now on.

Of course these aren't the first words out of my mouth. I do understand time and place. The first words out of my mouth when my DH comes home with food are "Thank you." I might make such a comment while I was eating the cottage cheese days later and it would just come out as a oh, I think I like X better than X. But there is no doubt, if I was unloading the groceries that my DH brought home and I commented on on the food then I'd be the one shopping, because what an a$$ I'd be.

Yes, I express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever) all the time. There is no lack of appreciation for what he does. If anything, it is the other way around, I annoy him a little by thanking him for things he feels I should take for granted (like taking out the trash, or doing grocery shopping). But I do continue to do so because 1) it was pounded into me as a child, and 2) because I like to be thanked for my efforts as well.

Exactly, you treat him the way you were trained and want to be treated, not the way he’s specifically asked you to treat him.

[Anonymous]

Still disagree. When my husband does the laundry and folds it I’m going to say thank you. I don’t make a big deal of it. Thank you for finishing the laundry! And I like to hear it back. If I more the lawn, I’d like to hear that the lawn looks nice. That’s it. Nothing more than a small bit of gratitude that xyz was done.

I’m done with this topic now though, DH hasn’t been defensive all weekend. Thanks for all the thoughts and comments!!