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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?"  literally that level of interaction)

[/quote]

Huh I was expecting to be in your side completely but can you see how both examples come across as he should be doing something that he’s not? I don’t think you can really be the judge of if you are nagging him or not. Like your coughing is gross and why have you not called the lawn guys yet. I mean he shouldn’t yell or anything but if he’s snapping back I said I’ll do it today! Or something like that I think you have to really examine your own motivation. I am much more type A and do things faster than my husband and that’s been challenging for our relationship for years so something like me offering to take over one of “his” tasks can feel like a criticism. So I let it go or just do it myself. But this is why we split our tasks into things he cares about vs. things I care about- he will do the stuff he cares about even if it’s not as fast as I want.

I mean if he’s screaming or name calling or it’s all day every day definitely go for counseling or at least ask him what is up but your two examples seem like things a reasonable person could feel a little defensive about.[/quote]

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