How to diffuse defensiveness

[Anonymous]

It's really annoying. I told my husband to admit his faults, apologize, say he'll work on it, then that's the end of the conversation. I hate how defensive he gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man I will say my wife does this and it irritates me as well. But I also know objectively she is doing nothing wrong. She is trying to be helpful and supportive and it's my perception of it. Sometimes I feel it's controlling or that it's criticizing me in some way and truthfully sometimes it is (controlling and critical) and sometimes it isn't. But what really irritates me is that I continue to express a dislike for it and she continues to do it. It's as if she ignores my wishes simply to assert her own. That is why I feel it's controlling and why it irritates me. But for the record, you are almost certainly doing nothing wrong.

This. If he doesn’t want help, stop offering it. It’s obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man I will say my wife does this and it irritates me as well. But I also know objectively she is doing nothing wrong. She is trying to be helpful and supportive and it's my perception of it. Sometimes I feel it's controlling or that it's criticizing me in some way and truthfully sometimes it is (controlling and critical) and sometimes it isn't. But what really irritates me is that I continue to express a dislike for it and she continues to do it. It's as if she ignores my wishes simply to assert her own. That is why I feel it's controlling and why it irritates me. But for the record, you are almost certainly doing nothing wrong.

This. If he doesn’t want help, stop offering it. It’s obnoxious.

It's only obnoxious to a thin-skinned person. If you're confident that you're a good human trying your hardest, and someone offers to take a task off your hands, you either say, "Oh thanks honey, but it's really no problem; I'll call the lawn guys," or you say, "You know what? I am really busy and a little stressed out. That would be nice; thanks."

If you can't assume good intent when your spouse does something innocuous like offer to do something helpful, and then you expect your partner to assume that YOU have good intent when you yell at them for triggering you, then you are at best immature and unkind, and at worst emotionally abusive.

[Anonymous]

Exactly what is he saying that is "defensive". Maybe you are reading into something. Would he claim that his response isn't defensive?

A friend of mine claims anyone that expresses disagreement with her as "yelling" or "screaming" at her. I've heard dozens of exchanges where she claims to have been yelled at. She honestly believes the other person yelled at her - not sure if she doesn't know what the word means, but doesn't matter because she believes it happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

I mean this gently, but you sound a little clueless. If I bought my H something at the store, and the first words out of his mouth were “I prefer the other brand”, I’d be pretty irritated and would tell him to do his own shopping from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man I will say my wife does this and it irritates me as well. But I also know objectively she is doing nothing wrong. She is trying to be helpful and supportive and it's my perception of it. Sometimes I feel it's controlling or that it's criticizing me in some way and truthfully sometimes it is (controlling and critical) and sometimes it isn't. But what really irritates me is that I continue to express a dislike for it and she continues to do it. It's as if she ignores my wishes simply to assert her own. That is why I feel it's controlling and why it irritates me. But for the record, you are almost certainly doing nothing wrong.

This. If he doesn’t want help, stop offering it. It’s obnoxious.

It's only obnoxious to a thin-skinned person. If you're confident that you're a good human trying your hardest, and someone offers to take a task off your hands, you either say, "Oh thanks honey, but it's really no problem; I'll call the lawn guys," or you say, "You know what? I am really busy and a little stressed out. That would be nice; thanks."

If you can't assume good intent when your spouse does something innocuous like offer to do something helpful, and then you expect your partner to assume that YOU have good intent when you yell at them for triggering you, then you are at best immature and unkind, and at worst emotionally abusive.

Disagree. I come from a family of helpers, and it’s beyond annoying. It has nothing to do with being helpful, it’s a result of anxiety and an inability to form a deeper connection.

Have you ever been around someone who offers to help with basic tasks non-stop? It’s demeaning. It’s not actually helpful. It usually results in more work for you, because now you have to accommodate the helper.

If OP’s H has asked her to please stop trying to help all the time, and she continues to do so, she really doesn’t care about his well-being. He’s stated what he wants and she’s ignored it. It’s solely about her easing her own anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line done. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

It’s a passive aggressive classic.

Addressing behavior head-on is the opposite of passive-aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man I will say my wife does this and it irritates me as well. But I also know objectively she is doing nothing wrong. She is trying to be helpful and supportive and it's my perception of it. Sometimes I feel it's controlling or that it's criticizing me in some way and truthfully sometimes it is (controlling and critical) and sometimes it isn't. But what really irritates me is that I continue to express a dislike for it and she continues to do it. It's as if she ignores my wishes simply to assert her own. That is why I feel it's controlling and why it irritates me. But for the record, you are almost certainly doing nothing wrong.

This. If he doesn’t want help, stop offering it. It’s obnoxious.

It's only obnoxious to a thin-skinned person. If you're confident that you're a good human trying your hardest, and someone offers to take a task off your hands, you either say, "Oh thanks honey, but it's really no problem; I'll call the lawn guys," or you say, "You know what? I am really busy and a little stressed out. That would be nice; thanks."

If you can't assume good intent when your spouse does something innocuous like offer to do something helpful, and then you expect your partner to assume that YOU have good intent when you yell at them for triggering you, then you are at best immature and unkind, and at worst emotionally abusive.

Disagree. I come from a family of helpers, and it’s beyond annoying. It has nothing to do with being helpful, it’s a result of anxiety and an inability to form a deeper connection.

Have you ever been around someone who offers to help with basic tasks non-stop? It’s demeaning. It’s not actually helpful. It usually results in more work for you, because now you have to accommodate the helper.

If OP’s H has asked her to please stop trying to help all the time, and she continues to do so, she really doesn’t care about his well-being. He’s stated what he wants and she’s ignored it. It’s solely about her easing her own anxiety.

I think you're projecting your own experience into this. OP has not mentioned her husband doing any of these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

I mean this gently, but you sound a little clueless. If I bought my H something at the store, and the first words out of his mouth were “I prefer the other brand”, I’d be pretty irritated and would tell him to do his own shopping from now on.

Yes, I took OP's initial post at face value . . . that DH is reacting in a defensive way that's irrational or disproportionate. But with this example I would interpret someone announcing they like another brand better after I've bought them THIS brand as criticizing my efforts. That's not to say that it's not important information, but the timing is important. Save that for when you're making the shopping list next time. "By the way I only like this brand so don't get it if they only have that other brand."

I think this type of dynamic is pretty common in marriages because we treat the other person how WE want to be treated, but it turns out we're different people. If I'm a direct person, then I want people to be direct with me and I'm not going to take it personally. But if my spouse is a peacemaker, then they prefer to prioritize harmony over saying the truth immediately every single time. So the trick is for the direct person to think more like the harmonizer and for the harmonizer to think more like the direct person, and to give grace and assume good intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

I mean this gently, but you sound a little clueless. If I bought my H something at the store, and the first words out of his mouth were “I prefer the other brand”, I’d be pretty irritated and would tell him to do his own shopping from now on.

Of course these aren't the first words out of my mouth. I do understand time and place. The first words out of my mouth when my DH comes home with food are "Thank you." I might make such a comment while I was eating the cottage cheese days later and it would just come out as a oh, I think I like X better than X. But there is no doubt, if I was unloading the groceries that my DH brought home and I commented on on the food then I'd be the one shopping, because what an a$$ I'd be.

Yes, I express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever) all the time. There is no lack of appreciation for what he does. If anything, it is the other way around, I annoy him a little by thanking him for things he feels I should take for granted (like taking out the trash, or doing grocery shopping). But I do continue to do so because 1) it was pounded into me as a child, and 2) because I like to be thanked for my efforts as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

I mean this gently, but you sound a little clueless. If I bought my H something at the store, and the first words out of his mouth were “I prefer the other brand”, I’d be pretty irritated and would tell him to do his own shopping from now on.

Of course these aren't the first words out of my mouth. I do understand time and place. The first words out of my mouth when my DH comes home with food are "Thank you." I might make such a comment while I was eating the cottage cheese days later and it would just come out as a oh, I think I like X better than X. But there is no doubt, if I was unloading the groceries that my DH brought home and I commented on on the food then I'd be the one shopping, because what an a$$ I'd be.

Yes, I express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever) all the time. There is no lack of appreciation for what he does. If anything, it is the other way around, I annoy him a little by thanking him for things he feels I should take for granted (like taking out the trash, or doing grocery shopping). But I do continue to do so because 1) it was pounded into me as a child, and 2) because I like to be thanked for my efforts as well.

He doesn’t want to be thanked, it annoys him, and you insist on thanking him for your own benefit.

You need to re-examine your behavior, because he’s telling you he doesn’t like these things but you insist on it to be “nice”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response!

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said. I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation. It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

I mean this gently, but you sound a little clueless. If I bought my H something at the store, and the first words out of his mouth were “I prefer the other brand”, I’d be pretty irritated and would tell him to do his own shopping from now on.

Of course these aren't the first words out of my mouth. I do understand time and place. The first words out of my mouth when my DH comes home with food are "Thank you." I might make such a comment while I was eating the cottage cheese days later and it would just come out as a oh, I think I like X better than X. But there is no doubt, if I was unloading the groceries that my DH brought home and I commented on on the food then I'd be the one shopping, because what an a$$ I'd be.

Yes, I express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever) all the time. There is no lack of appreciation for what he does. If anything, it is the other way around, I annoy him a little by thanking him for things he feels I should take for granted (like taking out the trash, or doing grocery shopping). But I do continue to do so because 1) it was pounded into me as a child, and 2) because I like to be thanked for my efforts as well.

These actually aren't really good reasons. The key to a successful marriage is understanding how our spouse wants to be treated. It's like if your spouse hates back scratches but you insist on giving them to him because you like them yourself. Instead there needs to be room to negotiate what each of you likes . . . OK, you don't like back scratches, but how about a foot massage, and then you can give me a back scratch?

OP can you give us an example of your husband being defensive? What did he say specifically about the cough drops? And FWIW the fact that he had COVID is important context because it means he was probably not feeling well. No one is their most patient self when they feel sick.

What if you just say, "Oh honey, I know you don't feel well. Is there anything I can do to help?" You are clearly a problem solver but if your DH doesn't think there's a problem then you are just creating more work for him (to decline your offers and explain why).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?" literally that level of interaction)

I notice that you tend to phrase things as simple requests. Try changing your comments from questions/requests to statements to see if he reacts better to those.

Instead of "can I get you a cough drop?" try "I noticed you have a cough." You could add "I hope you're okay."
Instead of "Would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn." try "I notice the lawn is getting high again."

These statements call attention to whatever it is, but do not demand a response from him. And it leaves it up to him if he chooses to respond. He may feel that the questions/requests feel demanding that he stop what he is doing and respond when he may not want to. For people who have attention issues and want to maintain focus, interruptions, especially ones that demand attention and response, can be particularly annoying. So try communicating in statements where he can choose to respond or not rather than demanding a response from every interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?" literally that level of interaction)

I notice that you tend to phrase things as simple requests. Try changing your comments from questions/requests to statements to see if he reacts better to those.

Instead of "can I get you a cough drop?" try "I noticed you have a cough." You could add "I hope you're okay."
Instead of "Would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn." try "I notice the lawn is getting high again."

These statements call attention to whatever it is, but do not demand a response from him. And it leaves it up to him if he chooses to respond. He may feel that the questions/requests feel demanding that he stop what he is doing and respond when he may not want to. For people who have attention issues and want to maintain focus, interruptions, especially ones that demand attention and response, can be particularly annoying. So try communicating in statements where he can choose to respond or not rather than demanding a response from every interaction.

Interesting thought.I definitely am more straight forward than my husband is and also sometimes jump into the middle of a thought. This could be part of the problem.

Regarding the cough example, the interaction started with "are you ok? you are coughing a lot" ... he said he wasn't. Then he said "Jesus" under his breath.

To a PP, How does he want to be treated? I has said he'd prefer that I ignore anything he does that is just a given. But to me, none of it is a given. Just because taking out the trash isn't a big chore it still saves me from doing it myself. He isn't obligated to do that, and it is nice that he does it.