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[quote=Anonymous]I have called it out directly in a calm way, after the fact. At first this just makes him defensive again (lol) but if I do it in a way that is not blaming, just matter of fact, he does start to see how his emotional reaction to really simple things like, yes, offering to do something, just creates conflict.

I also sometimes start conversations with him by stating my motivations up front. Something like "Just to be clear, I am offering this because I know you have a busy work week and I don't want to take something off your plate -- I am not implying that I don't trust you to do this or that I don't think you'll do a good job. I am really just trying to be a supportive partner here." Yes, kind of a pain, but worth it if it works.

Also, if there is some topic around which he is always defensive, maybe explore that directly. My DH used to get insanely defensive around a couple parenting things because he was feeling insecure about parenting in general. Talking about it helped him understand that I have faith in his parenting abilities, and also helped me learn that there are certain times when I should not provide input, and also certain ways of providing input that are more helpful and less likely to provoke defensiveness. For instance, we have a super picky eater and there are some things that can make pickiness much worse (like giving her a huge serving of anything, even a food she really loves). If I critique my DH in the moment ("whoa that is way too much Mac and cheese, can you scoop off half of that?") he will get defensive because he feels like he's being called out in front of the kids. But if I just let it go that time, and then wait until he says "ugh, why won't she eat this, she usually likes this," I can say "hmmm, I wonder if maybe it's a serving size thing -- maybe we should use the smaller bowls for Mac and cheese from now on, and wait to see if she want's seconds. I think read in one of those picky eater books that small servings can help with this."

Again, is this annoying to have to do this? Yes. It takes more time and I feel like I'm babying him a bit. But if it's just around one issue about which I know he's sensitive, I don't mind so much. Knowing his triggers has helped me navigate his defensiveness in general.[/quote]

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