What do you think is the most ideal family set up?
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Anonymous
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What do you think is the most ideal family set up?
A. Both parents work flexible jobs and share parenting duties roughly 50-50 B. One high earner and one stay at home parent. Stay at home parent can outsource as needed C. One big career and one flexible job. Have full time help. D. Two big careers with high quality nanny plus full time housekeeper Dh and I could be any of these categories. We are currently B. I feel like D gets the most respect. |
Anonymous
| C. |
Anonymous
Respect from whom? Are you making decisions based on what's best for your family or based on what others will think of you? |
Anonymous
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A.
I think if you think D gets the most respect, that mostly reflects your own priorities. I have trouble understanding why people who both have very demanding jobs have kids if they are just going to hire other people to do most of the caregiving. |
Anonymous
| C. Although DH is the high earner he does contribute to the home 50/50. We have a wonderful nanny and I work from home. |
Anonymous
| C. We are currently A with no help. It’s very hard and we spend a ton of time on housekeeping, repairs and lawn care. We don’t feel like we can hire any of that out. 280k but 3 in daycare. I do love that Dh is my equal partner. I also love that I got the chance to lean into work. We both love our jobs, our kids and each other. Very happy with our family, just wish I had some help. |
Anonymous
| B works perfectly for us so I'd say that's ideal. I'll caveat that by saying that we're in a bit of a unique situation as DH is a high earner but has a very flexible job. He also understands that a stay at home parent's job never ends. So when he's home, we're parenting 50/50 when possible. |
Anonymous
| H and I are (A), I think, and I love it. I don't mean to sound like a pollyanna but I really do feel like I "have it all". We both have WFH jobs that rarely exceed 40 hrs/week, plenty of PTO, and split duties around the house pretty equally. We're not rolling in money but because we are dual earners, we have enough for good daycare, house cleaners, and to enjoy fun weekends as a family. It's not perfect but for me it feels pretty close. |
Anonymous
| We were B for a while - maybe 8 years. First DH and then me as the high earners. I was in grad school and then started working and DH started grad school). Then C as DH had a more flexible job. Now we’re D with one child going off to college next year. |
Anonymous
I stay home and that is what we decided was best for our family. Before Covid, I stayed home with a baby and 2 kids in school with PT nanny/housekeeper. Right now we only have a weekly housekeeper. I’m thinking of switching to C. Not sure if we will need full time help if my 3 kids are all in school. Would be amazing if I could find someone who could cook and clean while kids are at school and help with driving to afternoon activities. |
Anonymous
So. Much. This. |
Anonymous
We are A. but only one kid, on far less money than you (like 100k less). And our one kid is in elementary, so no daycare expenses. I agree no help is challenging, but I still prefer it to all the other options because both DH and I would rather spend time with our family than work. I know not everyone feels that way but we do and it's so nice that it's a value we share with one another. But even though we prioritize family, I think it's really good and healthy we both have work because it rounds us out more and ensures that when our kid is grown we will have other things to focus on and think about. I had a SAHM growing up and she had no identity separate from her kids and I think it was negative. PP, I bet once your kids are out of daycare, you will appreciate your set up a lot more. Work flexibility with 3 kids is going to be such a blessing, plus being able to share the load with your partner. Kids need less minding as they get older but have more emotional, social, and academic needs. It's much harder to outsource those to a nanny than the care of a baby or toddler. You guys will be able to actually be there for your kids as they go through adolescence. You will be glad for it. |
Anonymous
| We are the black diamond version of A. We each have a demanding career in the public sector, so.we can't afford house keepers or house cleaners (we pay for daycare, school aftercare, summer camps, and weekly restaurant carryout). COVID quarantines, isolations, and childcare closures almost broke us. But which of us should give up or step back from our profession? We agree that neither of us should, so we muddle through and accept a certain level of chaos/children climbing on us during Zoom calls. I think that, as long as both parties agree to the choice, it is the right choice for that family. |
Anonymous
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Totally disagree that D gets the most respect. b or C seem
Ideal to me. |
Anonymous
| I have A and wouldn’t really want it any other way. Dh and I are best friends and we’re a team with equal duties. We love each other deeply, there is no resentment, and we make enough money to live very comfortably (~250k). I wouldn’t want the weight of the household on my shoulders, financially or physically. We carry each other’s burden. I’d love full time help I guess but honestly having a totally equal and committed partner, tons of time with one another and our kids…what more could we ask for? |