What do you think is the most ideal family set up?

[Anonymous]

I am 100% in camp “why have kids if you want to outsource them?”

But DH and I are in a “E” category not mentioned - one “big” job with long weekday hours and very little flexibility, but no weekend work and little travel + one very flexible, mostly WFH job that can involve travel/nights/weekends but has unlimited leave and very little oversight. Partner with more flexible job does the majority of kid appointments, house stuff, and cooking/cleaning/etc. Some after school childcare, but no where near full time (both kids in ES). Partner with more flexible job also makes twice as much money. Split everything and work as a team when I flexible job spouse is home (evenings and weekends).

[Anonymous]

I have a question for the outsourcing folks. Is it outsourcing to allow grandparents to watch kids? Is it outsourcing to send them to prek? What precisely constitutes “outsourcing”? Is it any care/enrichment that you do not personally provide? Does a working parent outsource to the SAH parent, in those setups? Just curious where this concept came from.

[Anonymous]

B

[Anonymous]

We’re A, but decent earners with a HHI around 400k (pretty evenly spilt with each bringing in around 200k). Baby goes to daycare during the day and everything else is pretty evenly spilt. Works well for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ideal family situation is the Asian family (I'm not asian.) Both parents work and care for the kid's but the grandparents also live with or nearby and care for the family, too. The nuclear family is a catastrophe.

I think you can really only do this for one generation though. The parents who worked while their kids were growing up aren’t going to become the grandparents who provide free childcare for the grandkids.

Why not? This us exactly what my Dh and I would become, and I see this happening around me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a question for the outsourcing folks. Is it outsourcing to allow grandparents to watch kids? Is it outsourcing to send them to prek? What precisely constitutes “outsourcing”? Is it any care/enrichment that you do not personally provide? Does a working parent outsource to the SAH parent, in those setups? Just curious where this concept came from.

I am not an “outsourcing” person. IMO, there are some lovely and brilliant people who should continue to work curing cancer and should also have children, even if it takes 14 hours to do a HIPEC, and they have to have a nanny put their kids to bed some nights.

Anyway, I have read these forums long enough that I can answer most of these questions. Having grandparents provide full time childcare does count as outsourcing, but sending kids to grandparents for the weekend does not. PreK does not count as outsourcing. Oddly enough, daycare also does not count as outsourcing and neither does aftercare or any school or activities that you take your children to. Having a nanny does count as outsourcing. Having a housekeeper that comes more frequently than twice a month counts as outsourcing. So does having someone else do your lawn/landscaping.

Basically, “outsourcing” is using anything that most people don’t have access to.

[Anonymous]

Some observations- most of the ones who have replied B just state it without an explanation. Because it’s the obvious choice perhaps? Or because they don’t want a SAHM/Wohm fight? Others who mention A or C usually elaborate more and back it up by saying that’s what they are doing- there seems to be a need to justify the choice here. D is uniformly unpopular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ideal family situation is the Asian family (I'm not asian.) Both parents work and care for the kid's but the grandparents also live with or nearby and care for the family, too. The nuclear family is a catastrophe.

I think you can really only do this for one generation though. The parents who worked while their kids were growing up aren’t going to become the grandparents who provide free childcare for the grandkids.

Why not? This us exactly what my Dh and I would become, and I see this happening around me.

I’m really sorry. I guess that I have just never seen it. The boomers I know who entered the workforce with inter generational homes and significant help with childcare did not reciprocate. And the people I know now who have significant grandparent help with childcare have a mother who either stayed at home or had a job to make ends meet, but never had a career the way people are talking about it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some observations- most of the ones who have replied B just state it without an explanation. Because it’s the obvious choice perhaps? Or because they don’t want a SAHM/Wohm fight? Others who mention A or C usually elaborate more and back it up by saying that’s what they are doing- there seems to be a need to justify the choice here. D is uniformly unpopular.

I like “B” the best. I have some ADHD tendencies and so does my husband. I’m happy to be the working parent or the at home parent, but I find being split between both to be difficult, and things get dropped.

[Anonymous]

B

[Anonymous]

B when kids are under 4

C/D once kids are in school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you think is the most ideal family set up?

A. Both parents work flexible jobs and share parenting duties roughly 50-50

B. One high earner and one stay at home parent. Stay at home parent can outsource as needed

C. One big career and one flexible job. Have full time help.

D. Two big careers with high quality nanny plus full time housekeeper

Dh and I could be any of these categories. We are currently B. I feel like D gets the most respect.

E. One 40-hour earner with lots of vacation time and one SAHP plus nanny plus lots of kids plus inherited wealth for both parents. Or travel back in time just a little and this is what it was like to have one UAW job in Michigan minus the nanny and no need for inherited wealth.

[Anonymous]

We're A. Two schoolteacher parents, no outside help, no local families. Split everything 50/50 and enjoy summers off as a family. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. My family growing up was B and it sucked; dad had all the money/control and mom was anxious and miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some observations- most of the ones who have replied B just state it without an explanation. Because it’s the obvious choice perhaps? Or because they don’t want a SAHM/Wohm fight? Others who mention A or C usually elaborate more and back it up by saying that’s what they are doing- there seems to be a need to justify the choice here. D is uniformly unpopular.

I like “B” the best. I have some ADHD tendencies and so does my husband. I’m happy to be the working parent or the at home parent, but I find being split between both to be difficult, and things get dropped.

OMG! You have no idea how much this comment helps me. I have ADHD and part of me really wants to go back to work, but I would still be the primary parent and I really struggle when I have more than one big thing going on in life (most recently it was dealing with homeschooling to avoid virtual learning during the pandemic while also doing a bathroom renovation; I had to postpone the renovation). So since my husband doesn’t care what I do, and i have always done best when I’m not split between two big things, I’m sticking with B.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ideal family situation is the Asian family (I'm not asian.) Both parents work and care for the kid's but the grandparents also live with or nearby and care for the family, too. The nuclear family is a catastrophe.

I think you can really only do this for one generation though. The parents who worked while their kids were growing up aren’t going to become the grandparents who provide free childcare for the grandkids.

I think it can work. The bigger challenge is that many parents and therefore grandparents are much older when the kids are born these days, and the grandparents are more likely to have health issues or too be old to really watch multiple small kids for extended periods.

I grew up in one of those family situations you describe. However, my grandma was in her 40s when her first grandchild was born. Today, many grandparents are in their 70s when their first grandchild is born.