What do you think is the most ideal family set up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:C. We are currently A with no help. It’s very hard and we spend a ton of time on housekeeping, repairs and lawn care. We don’t feel like we can hire any of that out. 280k but 3 in daycare. I do love that Dh is my equal partner. I also love that I got the chance to lean into work. We both love our jobs, our kids and each other. Very happy with our family, just wish I had some help.

Oh please! HHI of almost $300,000 and you have money problems,! Obviously, you do not know how to manage money. You are in the 1% rarified air. Most people in this area are making less than $100,000. I have no sympathy. Take a class in money management!

I think this is more common than you think and I think what might actually be going on is that PP actually would prefer less equality in her marriage -- her attitude over money might reflect frustration hat her DH has not climbed into a higher earning job that would enable her to scale back at work and spend more time with kids. I think some people like having an equal partner and others really don't. Some people want to be the primary parent and have less involvement/input from the other parent. This is why B. and C. are appealing for some. Especially true if you feel your partner is a flawed parent -- you might want them to work more because you see that when they are with the kids there is more conflict or they are doing things differently than you want them to be done.

I think it's less about money than control, usually.

[Anonymous]

And I think that's why you see a lot of love for A in this thread, because I think it is a way of hedging bets. No one totally gives up their career. No one shoulders the financial burden alone. No one shoulders the parenting burden alone. The allure of an egalitarian marriage is pretty obvious, even when it means having less money than other options.

Exactly. I tried staying home. I was miserable doing all of the parenting alone, and I didn't feel comfortable not earning any money. Right or wrong, I'm not comfortable being totally reliant on my spouse's career. Turns out he's a really good parent, and egalitarian feels right for our household.

[Anonymous]

I would say C if the second job was part time flexible.

[Anonymous]

We're C. My job is FT but very flexible in terms of scheduling, low stress, WFM, etc. DH has the "big" career, but it's not soooo big; he still contributes to parenting and household tasks, although I do more. (It's a fair division given our disparate professional work demands). We can comfortably afford our wonderful full time nanny and weekly cleaning lady. My job is hardly my dream job, but I like it plenty. It's a great set up overall!

[Anonymous]

B or C

Personally, we are B (one high earner, one SAHP) but my husband also helps out 50-50 because he is a good father and husband.

So to me, that feels like the best of both worlds. I have a hobby job that I turned into a side hustle just for something to do. It occasionally makes money but since it is only occasionally, I don't really consider it a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you think is the most ideal family set up?

A. Both parents work flexible jobs and share parenting duties roughly 50-50

B. One high earner and one stay at home parent. Stay at home parent can outsource as needed

C. One big career and one flexible job. Have full time help.

D. Two big careers with high quality nanny plus full time housekeeper

Dh and I could be any of these categories. We are currently B. I feel like D gets the most respect.

A few comments.

A. It’s not shared duties. It’s shared bonding. The problem with B and C is one parent misses out on raising their child.
B and C. You need to understand the value of missing a child’s life = the value of caring for a child. One gives up a career one gives up being a full parent. Nobody’s sacrificing more. If a divorce ensues one person gave up money the other gave up being a fully bonded parent.
D if you can ensure both parents are binding in some way because the outsourcing allows you tons of time to bond great but often you just give that up.

I do see parents who work a ton miss out on their kids’ lives. But that’s not everyone. My husband works a lot but most of his spare time is spent with his kids. They never feel like they’re missing out on a relationship with their dad.

The problem is that it’s hard to tell how somebody will be with their kids before they have kids.

So he works while they are asleep or in bed? I’m sure you think he is there in their lives but if he truly works a lot, he isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:B or C

Personally, we are B (one high earner, one SAHP) but my husband also helps out 50-50 because he is a good father and husband.

So to me, that feels like the best of both worlds. I have a hobby job that I turned into a side hustle just for something to do. It occasionally makes money but since it is only occasionally, I don't really consider it a job.

So what do you bring to the table then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B or C

Personally, we are B (one high earner, one SAHP) but my husband also helps out 50-50 because he is a good father and husband.

So to me, that feels like the best of both worlds. I have a hobby job that I turned into a side hustle just for something to do. It occasionally makes money but since it is only occasionally, I don't really consider it a job.

So what do you bring to the table then?

lol myself

idk, but it is good enough for my husband who tells me he loves me every day, several times a day

[Anonymous]

Team E. Parents need to be there for their kids.

[Anonymous]

We are a blend of A and D. It’s not perfect, but it works for us. I don’t think that either extreme - or the other options - would be better.

Our jobs are both “big” enough to give us the lifestyle we want ($400K-ish). They’re not super flexible, we both work in-person on a regular schedule with some travel. But they’re both flexible enough that we can share parenting 50-50 without needing a lot of extra help beyond after-school care (or daycare when they were younger) and the occasional babysitter.

It does get stressful sometimes, like when I have to travel Mon-Weds and he’s traveling Th-Fri, or when we have to juggle our individual schedules to cover school events and doctors appointments and such. Of course I would love to earn as much or more with less stress - but this is the balance we’ve found, and it’s working ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:B or C

Personally, we are B (one high earner, one SAHP) but my husband also helps out 50-50 because he is a good father and husband.

So to me, that feels like the best of both worlds. I have a hobby job that I turned into a side hustle just for something to do. It occasionally makes money but since it is only occasionally, I don't really consider it a job.

This is the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So I'll add:

E. One parent with flexible FT job, one parent with PT work or self-employment, enough money to hire help when needed, splitting household duties 50/50 but childcare more like 70/30 to accommodate the fact that one parent wants to work a bit more and the other parent wants to spend more time with kids.

That's where we are at and it's perfect.

This is DH and I too. I have a flexible job, he is self-employed so can be available when needed during the work day. But we also have family in the area who are willing to help with childcare so maybe we are option F.
I think D sounds terrible (why even have kids) but I've seen B and C work well for other families. But for option B to work, I think you have to have a parent who really wants to SAH and another who stands behind that decision. I've seen that create a lot of issues for friends in that scenario.

+1

B. only works if both partners are enthusiastic about the arrangement. I've seen people on DCUM argue that this is never the case, but I've absolutely seen it. Part of it is that in these families, the work of the SAHM has to be valued *equally* to the earning spouse. I think a lot of people with misogynist ideas about care work, or just people with big egos, struggle with the idea that a SAHP could be working as hard and doing work as vital as whatever demanding, high-paying job the earning spouse is doing. But when people do view them equally, this can be a great set up where both partners really get what they want and the kids needs are served really well.

But of course, mutual respect is important to any of these arrangements. I actually think that C is where it is hardest because when both parents are working it's really easy to compare their jobs and I often see the parent with the flexible job winding up feeling relegated or undervalued, and since they are generally doing a lot more at home (even with outsourcing) this leads to a lot of resentment. Especially because historically, being the parent with the flexible job also meant being the parent with limited to no career advancement opportunities. This can get very ugly when the kids get older and this parent feels they have sacrificed their career for the family and their reward is to keep working in a dull career with limited potential. It can be salvaged with a return to school or a shift, but sometimes the resentment overwhelms the marriage.

I have also seen problems in B. or C. if the high earning spouse stagnates in their career and burns out, starts getting passed over, or gets laid off. This can be incredibly stressful all around. We talk a lot on these boards about what it is to be a SAHM or a working mom and the inherent stresses and unfairnesses to these arrangements. But we should talk more about the pressure of being the only or primary breadwinner and how some people get forced into this role, or think it's what the want when young and realize they don't anymore, and how that can cause problems if the other spouse was banking on their income enabling the family set up she wanted (it's usually she). Demanding jobs are... demanding. Not everyone wants one.

And I think that's why you see a lot of love for A in this thread, because I think it is a way of hedging bets. No one totally gives up their career. No one shoulders the financial burden alone. No one shoulders the parenting burden alone. The allure of an egalitarian marriage is pretty obvious, even when it means having less money than other options.

Agree with this all together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one in which both parents are happy and it works for their family. There is no "ideal."

My spouse has a decent income but lots of flexibility. I SAH. He'd gladly SAH if I had the earning potential. No hired help ever.

This exactly.

The one where both spouses appreciate each other and no one feels pushed into anything by the other’s decisions.

I think that Option A is getting a lot of winners here because no one is ever being forced into anything. There is no breadwinner that wants to quit or parent with a big career that feels forced into being mommy-tracked. But the other options all work well too. Whatever works for the family works as long as both partners are on the same page and respect and value each other.

[Anonymous]

We are C without the full time help. We have a housecleaner that comes two times a month but besides that we don't have any help. For a couple years when the kids were little I was B and as they got older I gradually re-introduced myself into the workforce.

[Anonymous]

We are A though we are very fortunate that both of us work from home most of the time and each of us brings home over 200k a year. We realize we are lucky--DH is in B2B sales and I work in tech, which are two jobs where it is possible to do this.