What do you think is the most ideal family set up?

[Anonymous]

I think a or b is best for parents and kids so best for overall family mental health/happiness.

[Anonymous]

B

[Anonymous]

Definitely, B.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a or b is best for parents and kids so best for overall family mental health/happiness.

Agree. The other two might meet the needs of the adults (might) but with kids involved can create a lot of deficits.

Nannies and housekeepers are wonderful but do not actually replace parents. No child prefers a nanny and housekeeper to parents. Or if they do, that parent has broken something incredibly valuable. And this increases as kids get older. They need less of your total time but the kind of time they need cannot be performed by a nanny— they need parental love, support, guidance. There is no substitute.

Choosing not to have children is a valid, good choice. You don’t have to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:C. We are currently A with no help. It’s very hard and we spend a ton of time on housekeeping, repairs and lawn care. We don’t feel like we can hire any of that out. 280k but 3 in daycare. I do love that Dh is my equal partner. I also love that I got the chance to lean into work. We both love our jobs, our kids and each other. Very happy with our family, just wish I had some help.

You should get a nanny rather than pay for three in daycare

[Anonymous]

We are A. Agree that it is ideal from the standpoint that the kids get lots of attention from both parents, and there are no status issues in the relationship. Both partners are responsible for their own life choices and no resentment from the “trailing” spouse who had to sacrifice more of their freedom in order to care for children.

D is tough because very career focused, I would not want B or C because it inevitably leads to resentment from the one who is less high powered 9 times out of 10.

[Anonymous]

We are D. And love it!

[Anonymous]

B. I’ve been both the SAH partner and the working partner. We have tried other things, but this is the best setup.

[Anonymous]

The one in which both parents are happy and it works for their family. There is no "ideal."

My spouse has a decent income but lots of flexibility. I SAH. He'd gladly SAH if I had the earning potential. No hired help ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a or b is best for parents and kids so best for overall family mental health/happiness.

Agree. The other two might meet the needs of the adults (might) but with kids involved can create a lot of deficits.

Nannies and housekeepers are wonderful but do not actually replace parents. No child prefers a nanny and housekeeper to parents. Or if they do, that parent has broken something incredibly valuable. And this increases as kids get older. They need less of your total time but the kind of time they need cannot be performed by a nanny— they need parental love, support, guidance. There is no substitute.

Choosing not to have children is a valid, good choice. You don’t have to have kids.

Some kids are better off being raised by nannies. I was early on.

[Anonymous]

B.

[Anonymous]

B.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for B

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A.

I think if you think D gets the most respect, that mostly reflects your own priorities. I have trouble understanding why people who both have very demanding jobs have kids if they are just going to hire other people to do most of the caregiving.

So. Much. This.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there is really any right answer but we are A/C. I have a pretty low hour job (although it can be intense) and my husband has a biggish job. Without any travel (one of the few good things about the pandemic!) it works pretty well. If he starts traveling again I feel our balance will be off. It’s so hard to say.