What do you think is the most ideal family set up?

[Anonymous]

These scenarios always seem to assume that you can find an amazing nanny and housekeeper who have flexible schedules and want to stay with your family for years.

[Anonymous]

The ideal is what works for the family and makes everyone happy.

My husband respects what I do as a SAHM. If he respected my work more if I had a paying job, like money = more value in the contribution to a partnership, im honestly not sure I’d like any setup. But if that’s the guy you’re stuck with, a high powered career would probably be best, assuming both parents were responsible for getting childcare.

[Anonymous]

We're somewhere between A and D. We both have biggish jobs with some flexibility. This allows us to hire help, though not a full time housekeeper + nanny. It's not perfect. Our jobs are stressful. Finding good help is stressful. Finding enough time with the kids is stressful. But at least we aren't stressed over finances.

I think you have to be careful with A because those flexible jobs aren't always as flexible as you need and hiring help may be unaffordable.

[Anonymous]

B

[Anonymous]

A or C would be my preference — I want a flexible job and lots of time with my kids; whether my partner wants that or tons of money is up to them.

[Anonymous]

B so that the kid can be cared for by a parent.

[Anonymous]

Another D and love it. Quality over quantity.

[Anonymous]

We are A- (the minus part being we both have flexible jobs but I'm still the high earner AND while I have a very active and engaged partner I would never give him enough credit to say its 50/50 hahah maybe like 60/40)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A or C would be my preference — I want a flexible job and lots of time with my kids; whether my partner wants that or tons of money is up to them.

This. I want to maximize time with my kids. I think my real preference is B when the kids are small and then shifting to A as they get older (where I go to work in a flexible job and he downshifts into a job with lower pay but more flexibility). Though I think probably B to C is more common and I’d be good with that too as long as his demanding job wasn’t creating a ton of stress.

I value family time and a calm, happy family life over money every day of the week. You need a baseline amount of money to avoid major financial stress, but I think my baseline is way below where most people on DCUM would put it because I just don’t care that much about certain things (big fancy house, nice vacations, investment in clothes/hair/beauty, nice cars, expensive activities for kids, etc.). None of that matters to me that much if I get lots of quality time with DH and kids each day.

[Anonymous]

We're A and also wouldn't have it any other way. Also public sector, and very mission-driven, but we derive a lot of meaning from our work and that's important to us. We also (of course) value our family life, so it feels like the best of both.

That said, COVID almost broke us, too. The WFH "flexibility" was great in some ways, but the expectations were far too much.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think D gets the most respect? That shows your biases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H and I are (A), I think, and I love it. I don't mean to sound like a pollyanna but I really do feel like I "have it all". We both have WFH jobs that rarely exceed 40 hrs/week, plenty of PTO, and split duties around the house pretty equally. We're not rolling in money but because we are dual earners, we have enough for good daycare, house cleaners, and to enjoy fun weekends as a family. It's not perfect but for me it feels pretty close.

We are A also. My DH has slightly less flexibility than me though, so it's still not 50/50 on household stuff. But it's a decent balance for sure.

It's by far the best set up for the kids. Lots of time with parents, someone available when they are sick or need to be picked up. We really invest in time together.

[Anonymous]

I'd say D is the worst case scenario. I know families with it, and they are just fine. But it's not for me. We are an A. On purpose, that's how we planned our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're A and also wouldn't have it any other way. Also public sector, and very mission-driven, but we derive a lot of meaning from our work and that's important to us. We also (of course) value our family life, so it feels like the best of both.

That said, COVID almost broke us, too. The WFH "flexibility" was great in some ways, but the expectations were far too much.

This. We are A and it's this kind of delicate balance that works great when everything is functioning as intended. During Covid my DH gained WFH, which was great for his mental health and enabled him to spend way more time with kids which was good for everyone, but those lost months of childcare and school were brutal. And we're one of those families with no really support system outside ourselves. We made it work and I'm proud of us but there are scars.

[Anonymous]

I did C for 8 years when my kids were young. It's doable, but still tough. It was mostly tough on my marriage. The kids took up all available time and attention from my spouse who had big career. Some resentment between the two of us at times.

Now I have A and it's way better.

One person's 2 cents.