Is it reasonable to want to connect with your partner in all levels?

[Anonymous]

I have this ideal of being able to have a “deep” relationship with my partner. By deep I mean being affectionate, emotionally close, have a solid friendship, care about each other’s day, and be able to share what’s on our minds. An area where this always falters is sharing what’s on our minds. If we discuss politics or our opinions on current events or a book or something, the conversation devolves into arguing. I want to be able to disagree but not argue. I also want to hear my partners thoughts even if I may not agree with them. A lot of people just take the stance of….let’s just never talk about these topics. Going that route seems shallow to me. Am I asking for too much? I don’t expect my partner to be my everything fyi. But would prefer if we could have conversations with depth.

[Anonymous]

I think respecting your partner is fundamental to a relationship, and it's that respect that allows you to disagree without arguing. There are topics that I don't discuss with my husband - it's kinda pointless to talk to hum about vintage clothing, but not because I am afraid it will turn into an argument.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you told your partner exactly what you said in your post? Your post actually sounds like a very good script for discussing your feelings about this aspect of the relationship with your partner.

If you have not discussed this, why not? What is making you balk at bringing it up? Of course don't raise it when you and your partner are IN the moment, having an argument over something you had hoped would be a discussion instead. But I'd raise it in a neutral, "I feel like we're really well connected in all these [name them] ways. But there's one thing I'd like to work on...."

If you have discussed this, did it just devolve into another argument, or did your partner see the point you were trying to make but just can't get there with you?

BTW, OP, by asking this as "is it reasonable to want to connect with your partner at all levels," you are going to end up getting a lot of negatives on this forum, I think. There seem to be a lot of people who post here to say that things like expecting partnership, friendship, sexual attraction, real conversations and interest in each others' lives is expecting too much, and some people on this forum insist that as long as there's ample sex, that's the one and only thing that matters. I think it's entirely possible to have all those things because it's what my spouse and I have, and it's not a unicorn thing, but it requires work and intention.

If your partner just can't make this one leap to having discussions about culture, news, politics etc. but all else is good, consider getting into a couple of groups--join a book club, get active in a local political organization, get active in a local arts group, find people with whom you can fulfill the need for some discussion.

Do you and your partner have interests or activities in common? Can you discuss those things that you share? Maybe you're leaning into wanting to talk about politics and current events and that's not working but you both could talk about your shared outings, hobbies, day trips to somewhere you'd both find interesting --?

[Anonymous]

Eh. I mean, DH and I are excellent at arguing - we value making each other happy more than we value being right, and are good at arguing towards resolution and we can do it respectfully.

But we're not 100% compatible. The other day I was excitedly telling DH about the book I'm reading and he listened and said "That sounds horribly dull, but you enjoy" and kissed my head and walked off. I wish he could be as excited about Harry Styles as I am, but ... guess we don't have the same taste.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s fine to have some topics you avoid due to conflict. I think that’s another way of showing respect. I mean, ideally I suppose it would be nice to be able to discuss anything and everything, but if you know you disagree, there’s not really a need. Continuing to discuss when you know it’ll be contentious, unless there’s some change, sort of sounds like one of you is either picking a fight or trying to change the other’s mind.

I think it’s emotionally risky to try to have all your needs met by one person. I can’t tell if that’s what you’re trying to do, but your list of ideals is extensive and abstract. Some of the concepts can be interpreted differently based on different peoples needs and desires. I don’t think it’s necessarily bad to want all those things, but if your partner can’t be that or doesn’t want to be that, I guess you have to reevaluate your list or your choice of partners. I know if I disagree with someone on a core belief, I don’t want to repeatedly have a conversation with them knowing there won’t be a change of heart. What’s the point?

I also really wonder why those conversations always end in arguments. What sparks the argument? What are you getting out of those conversations and what do you wish you could get from them?

[Anonymous]

This is why smart people pick partners with similar world views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this ideal of being able to have a “deep” relationship with my partner. By deep I mean being affectionate, emotionally close, have a solid friendship, care about each other’s day, and be able to share what’s on our minds. An area where this always falters is sharing what’s on our minds. If we discuss politics or our opinions on current events or a book or something, the conversation devolves into arguing. I want to be able to disagree but not argue. I also want to hear my partners thoughts even if I may not agree with them. A lot of people just take the stance of….let’s just never talk about these topics. Going that route seems shallow to me. Am I asking for too much? I don’t expect my partner to be my everything fyi. But would prefer if we could have conversations with depth.

If you start young as friends then it’s possible but if you started with purposeful dating as professional adults, it’s not impossible but highly unlikely to get there.

[Anonymous]

No, not reasonable. You seem to have everything else on the list: being affectionate, emotionally close, have a solid friendship, care about each other’s day. That is a win in a spouse!

I wish my husband shared my passion fot ballroom dancing, alas, he doesn’t. You can’t have everything. But you can have a happy marriage to someone who is not perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this ideal of being able to have a “deep” relationship with my partner. By deep I mean being affectionate, emotionally close, have a solid friendship, care about each other’s day, and be able to share what’s on our minds. An area where this always falters is sharing what’s on our minds. If we discuss politics or our opinions on current events or a book or something, the conversation devolves into arguing. I want to be able to disagree but not argue. I also want to hear my partners thoughts even if I may not agree with them. A lot of people just take the stance of….let’s just never talk about these topics. Going that route seems shallow to me. Am I asking for too much? I don’t expect my partner to be my everything fyi. But would prefer if we could have conversations with depth.

You aren’t asking for too much, just a healthy relationship but unless you find someone who is that sort of person and truly wants it in a relationship, it’s going to be tough.

[Anonymous]

I used to think like you and I have slowly changed my mind. Not talking about something your partner doesn’t want to talk about isn’t a lack of maturity or connection, it’s respecting somebody’s boundaries.

But if you want to be able to debate everything, that’s fine. You just need to find somebody who is willing to debate everything. However that’s not foolproof. DH and I could debate anything until Trump came along. I was really passionate about hating trump and he couldn’t really handle the intensity of the conversations, despite him feeling basically the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to think like you and I have slowly changed my mind. Not talking about something your partner doesn’t want to talk about isn’t a lack of maturity or connection, it’s respecting somebody’s boundaries.

But if you want to be able to debate everything, that’s fine. You just need to find somebody who is willing to debate everything. However that’s not foolproof. DH and I could debate anything until Trump came along. I was really passionate about hating trump and he couldn’t really handle the intensity of the conversations, despite him feeling basically the same way.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Are one or both of you lawyers? (I am.) Often lawyers, but not only lawyers, argue more to be right than to get to the right answer. I think the solution starts with how you listen, rather than how you argue. If you are listening to understand, rather than listening to respond, you will probably solve a lot of the problems. And often listening to understand means not responding right away. This goes for both of you in the relationship. It is a surprisingly easy fix, but it involves deciding that you'd rather see the value in your partner's view, rather than convincing your partner that you are right.

That doesn't directly answer your question, but obviously, I think it is not just reasonable, but good, to try to connect on this level, and doing so means abandoning the desire to be correct. But that is going to annoy you if your partner doesn't try, too.

And then, obviously, there are some views that are so obnoxious and offensive that it doesn't even seem worth it, but it doesn't sound like you are there.

[Anonymous]

You sound exhausting. The last thing I want to do when I get home is get stressed out talking about politics and current events.

[Anonymous]

It depends. Are you avoiding the discussion because it's a healthy boundary ("we are never going to agree on this, and it's not worth rehashing and ruining our night")? Or are you avoiding the discussion because one or the other or both of you are disrespectful of the other's position, call names, mock, or yell at each other? I know people who "never talk politics" because they've talked it all out, and people who "never talk politics" because they're married to abusers who expect them to agree with everything they say or be castigated for disagreeing.

One is fine, the other is not. And the first certainly isn't a sign of a marriage lacking in connection.

[Anonymous]

I think this is more of a fantasy than a reality. People are people, they grow and change. So if tomorrow I become pro candidate X and you're candidate Y, that's a relationship fail. Even if we disagree on the why's (maybe you think one is a slimeball and I think the other is all talk and no action), but those two are not us. Same goes for a book or a movie or music.

But that's only one part of it. The bigger part is that if you're this super Pro Harry Potter book club and I'm not, but I'm really in love with you, then you are either expecting me to lie about my love for Harry Potter to be able to spend more time with you, or be a killjoy and every time you bring him up I have to say stuff like "what is the point of Quiddich" and "dude just got ultra lucky".

And the part about being human, say we're dating at 30, date 3 years and get married. Now we're 35. with a kid, Now we're 40 with 2 kids. We both have jobs that stress us out. Parenting is stressful. Having sick parents is stressful. Having complicated friendships is stressful. Etc. We each find ways to deal with this stress. Maybe one person is into running and the other is into yoga. Or One is into video games and the other reading books. Is this couple going to fail or not be in your ideal scenario because they "grew apart"?

Like I said, I think this is a fantasy that is based on cinema and not reality. There are majors where I want to see a similar point of view, but I also want my areas where I can be me and have my friends and be able to go at my own fast or slow pace and not need to check in with my partner about how much they like it, and if their not liking it should make me stop.

These are the minors which will add to the conversations. Sure we may not both be fanatics about Harry Potter, but when you finish one it may remind me of another orphand child story from a different univese (maybe MCU and Peter Parker) and we can have a discussion about the similarities and differences. But I wouldn't even expect that. Its nice and its cool to have areas to converse but having a formula for what those conversations should be and how they should go takes the fun away from the idea of dating another person.