Is it reasonable to want to connect with your partner in all levels?

[Anonymous]

I have all of that with my husband of 23 years. It doesn't mean we absolutely agree on everything, but we can have normal conversations and understand each other's views.

We were very compatible from the start with similar views on the world, finances, spending, raising kids, health/exercise, politics, etc. Our music tastes are a little different, but we generally love the same shows/movies/tv and we both love food/drink and to travel.

Our core beliefs have always mirrored one another and we have never had $ issues.

I think $$ and views on raising kids are the two biggest trouble spots for a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this ideal of being able to have a “deep” relationship with my partner. By deep I mean being affectionate, emotionally close, have a solid friendship, care about each other’s day, and be able to share what’s on our minds. An area where this always falters is sharing what’s on our minds. If we discuss politics or our opinions on current events or a book or something, the conversation devolves into arguing. I want to be able to disagree but not argue. I also want to hear my partners thoughts even if I may not agree with them. A lot of people just take the stance of….let’s just never talk about these topics. Going that route seems shallow to me. Am I asking for too much? I don’t expect my partner to be my everything fyi. But would prefer if we could have conversations with depth.

What you want, OP, is perfectly reasonable. Re: what's on your minds: in general, the key here is for your and your partner to share some interests while respecting and supporting each other's fascination with non-shared interests. So, for example, if you love mystery novels and your SO thinks they are kind of meh, while s/he/they love Food Network channel and you are not that into it, that's fine as long as you don't have contempt for each other's preferences.

Re: politics and current events: while I agree with a previous poster that looking to understand each other's views is key, in the current political climate, some issues are frankly a matter of having integrity and principles or not. Debating foreign policy based upon legitimate understanding of a particular issue is absolutely worthy of listening to one another with the goal of understanding views; by contrast, there is zero point in discussing the "merits" of replacement theory, and any partner who attempted to persuade me otherwise would be my ex-partner in a NY minute.

[Anonymous]

I think some people need an intellectual connection the same way others need a physical one. Talking deeply with someone about things you both are passionate about — wouldn’t that stimulate feelings of connection and curiosity in your brain? Sounds pretty satisfying to me.

OP, the key is that both of you need to feel confident in expressing yourselves. If one person is insecure in this domain that usually leads to shutting down or arguing. Same as insecurity with emotions, or sex.