How to not be jealous of women who married rich?
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Anonymous
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We all work hard but I notice that marrying the right guy really gives a woman a huge leg up. Most of us are working in jobs that pay us anywhere from 80k - 150k and then one of us marries a guy in Big Law or IB and her life is totally different.
Every time this happens, I feel a pang. Like, she jumped the line simply because a rich guy wanted to marry her? How do I get over the envy and jealousy? |
Anonymous
| I don't know, OP. Do you also feel jealous that my husband married rich? |
Anonymous
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Be happy for your own advantages in life and the things you enjoy about your spouse. Sure, I wish my spouse earned more but he probably wishes I looked like a Victoria’s Secret model (I don’t.)
Also, my dad is a retired big law partner and the grueling number of hours he worked put an enormous strain on my parents marriage. Though we had a nice life and a loving home, it was a sad relationship dynamic to be around growing up, and my dad missed a lot of his kids milestones working at a job he loathed. |
Anonymous
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Eh, I have friends who married rich guys like this and while there are very specific things I envy (being able to easily afford really high quality childcare, being able to travel extensively), I would not want to switch lives with them. Thinking of two women in particular I know the this situation, who like me have one young child (no plans for more):
The first is married to a very good friend of mine and I know he's a fantastic guy. They have a big house in the suburbs with a huge yard, and excellent local schools. She's a full time SAHM. I love them all, including their kid. But I also know he works insane hours and gets extremely stressed about work, that she is very isolated sometimes as a SAHM with a partner working incredibly long hours, that their date nights and vacations are often disrupted by his clients or urgent work matters. They seem very happy in some ways and they struggle in other ways. This is not me saying "oh their life is terrible" because it's not. I'm just saying there are tradeoffs involved and I'm not sure I'd want those tradeoffs. I like that my DH has a reasonable, predictable work schedule and can do a lot of parenting stuff when I am working or need a break. I like that since we both work, neither of us has the same level of intense pressure of being the sole breadwinner or the sold homemaker/primary parent. They have a nicer home and will have a more comfortable retirement and don't have to worry about college for their kid. But we have a much more relaxed day-to-day, more equality in our marriage, and my DC has a closer relationship with her dad than theirs does. Tradeoffs. The second is married to someone who is technically not still in BigLaw but still making quite a bit of money. They've travelled very extensively and even lived abroad, and I definitely envy that. But in this case, I honestly don't think they are that happy. He seems perpetually dissatisfied. He was unhappy in BigLaw because of the hours and pressure, so he left. Now he's at an NGO and still doesn't seem satisfied (plus seems to miss the money and perks of his old job). She actually works full time but makes very little money, and I think with him downgrading his job this is creating some friction because they don't get any of the benefits of a SAHP but also her income does not contribute much at all. It's interesting because they have so much more than we do (nicer house, much higher income, nicer vacations, nicer things) but they always seem vaguely miserable. My sense is that they are both a little immature and selfish (not enormously, but some) and the combo of coming down a bit in income plus having a kid has really highlighted this. It seems like they should be very happy but they complain constantly. The point is, marrying a very high earner sounds like the solution to everything, but it's much more complex than that. Just because a guy makes a lot doesn't mean he's a terrific partner. And making a lot of money comes with major drawbacks in terms of hours and stress. At the end of the day, you still have to make your relationship work. And high earners are not exempt -- they have to figure it out too. It's a good reminder that to a certain extent, we're all in the same boat. [Check back in with me when their kids can go wherever they get in for college and they get to spend retirement flying around the world, tho... of course I still get jealous!] |
Anonymous
| Nah...my friend married a hedge fund investor.... he works long hours, has a temper, out of shape, etc. They do have a beautiful house, a live-in nanny, and ability to buy their way out of most problems! |
Anonymous
| There are always trade offs. Big law dad is NEVER home or if he is home, he is ALWAYS working. He's just not an involved dad and everything falls on the wife to do (which is why many of them stay home). My husband makes less than me, but is also an equal partner in our household. He cooks, he cleans, he spends a lot of time with the children (in fact, he drops them off and picks them up almost every day). Big Law dad wouldn't be able to do any of those things. |
Anonymous
| Mo money, mo problems |
Anonymous
| I married a fund manager and he's in good shape and does not really have any of the issues people are complaining about. I guess he works a lot, but mostly from home. I work a lot, too. He does have extremely high expectations, and I feel them as his wife, and our kids definitely feel them, so that's something to consider if you'd prefer to coast through life a bit. OP, if you aren't married yet and you know this matters to you, then limit your dating pool. |
Anonymous
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I understand OP.
Actually only feel it now that I am much older because I would like not to worry about retirement! Don't care about materialistic stuff. |
Anonymous
Would it make you feel better to know that I'm rich too? So one rich woman married one rich man. Or would you feel better if we each married a public school teacher in South Dakota to spread the wealth around and even things out a bit? Seriously though, I didn't marry my husband because of his wealth - obviously I have my own. I married him for the kind of man he is, because of his character, his ethics, his sense of humor, etc. |
Anonymous
Don't be jealous OP. Few things are as they seem. |
Anonymous
| The line to what? |
Anonymous
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OP, comparison is the thief of joy. It’s cliche but true. Life isn’t fair and you basically have to make the best of what you have.
I view it as a choice. I am an immigrant who came here penniless as a child. I can choose to compare myself to the wives of my husband’s old-money college buddies and be bitter that I’m not living in a 3 million dollar home without working or ever having to think about money. OR I can choose to be thankful for my own life, which is cushier than I ever hoped for growing up - a big house in a nice neighborhood and a salary that is higher than what my parents ever made, combined. Focusing on the former brings me nothing positive. Focusing on the latter makes me into a calmer, happier, more appreciative person. Can you unfollow people on social media that trigger these negative thoughts? |
Anonymous
Haha, you don’t care if your spouse makes much because YOU come from a rich family. How can you miss that? I’ll bet you had DP help, fully funded education, and don’t have to worry about paying for your parents elder care? |
Anonymous
| Haven't you ever experienced other people who had things you didn't have? Mark you're supposed to be so grateful for what you do have. This is really basic things that people learn in childhood. No need to disparage rich people and pretend that their lives are terrible to make yourself feel better |