How to not be jealous of women who married rich?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if we are considered rich by "rich" standards but DH makes close to 600k and I make 180k. I married DH when he was in college and had no earning potential. We got married and had stable jobs and two kids before he started his own business. It was stressful at first and he is always busy but he is also very committed to our marriage and family. He spends his spare time either playing or helping the kids or we work on projects together. I think what made our marriage work is that we achieved our SES together.

If you don’t know then you’re not rich. Also, rich is defined my net worth not income.

Comments like you’re being nothing to the table.

PP is rich but did not marry rich and clearly still works her own job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all work hard but I notice that marrying the right guy really gives a woman a huge leg up. Most of us are working in jobs that pay us anywhere from 80k - 150k and then one of us marries a guy in Big Law or IB and her life is totally different.

Every time this happens, I feel a pang. Like, she jumped the line simply because a rich guy wanted to marry her?

How do I get over the envy and jealousy?

Ugh. Not jealous at all. I make $180K and make more than my husband. I actually like it. I would hate to be in a position where my husband brings in way more money than me and I'm relying him for things.

[Anonymous]

Marrying well goes both ways. He has to also hope to be on the receiving end of her respect. Without that, it is an imbalanced marriage with skewed power in the direction of the breadwinner. Usually the woman in such a relationship brings social and financial capital to the marriage to balance out his breadwinning position.

During my divorce I met with attorneys who told me that contrary to what I may think, there are plenty of upper class WASPy marriages that feature domestic abuse, long term infidelity,.. all the usual suspects. These couples won't get a divorce for various reasons - shame, to protect finances, for the sake of the children,... also the usual excuses. In college I knew a couple of prep school products who's fathers were in long term extramarital affairs and the entire nuclear family knew it.

Despite that experience in college I still envied the girls who seemed to marry successful men. It is only 10+ years into imbalanced marriages that the cracks appear. I was in such an imbalanced marriage but thankfully I have a professional degree and was able to reignite the career after being SAHM. Not many women are able to it I'm afraid.
It would have been a balanced marriage if my ex was supportive of my career but he expected to replicate his parent's marriage where the mother did not work and the father paid no heed to childrearing nor anything domestic. To everybody outside, ours looked like a successful arrangement. But financially it was setup to fail. Ex doesn't have a good grasp of finances and is deeply secretive about money so .... I had to get out to secure financial stability for me and the kids. His father also belittled and browbeat his wife regularly so this began happening to me too. To everybody outside however, the ILs are the example of a successful long term marriage.
I admit I was beguiled by their marriage like much of their set and imagined I could live that too.
Well, I've done it and it was the most expensive investment in attorney fees for me to pull myself out of.

[Anonymous]

focus on yourself

[Anonymous]

Don't be jealous she has sold her soul.

[Anonymous]

Hmmmm… I’m jealous of women who marry really good guys - smart, funny, outgoing, sensitive and faithful.

But all that aside - Yeah, life isn’t fair but remember there are a lot of women who would love your job, your home, your spouse or your health. There is always someone who has more and someone who has less - sometimes, they’re even the same person. Focus on making your life what you want. What do you imagine a rich spouse would bring you? Security? The ability to travel more? A bigger house? Work on getting those goals on your own. Some might not even require more money, just a different allocation.

[Anonymous]

Money does not buy happiness. Rich spouses can be just as abused/unhappy as middle income spouses.

[Anonymous]

I’m jealous of women who are happily married. My awesome DH died young and is irreplaceable. F money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m jealous of women who are happily married. My awesome DH died young and is irreplaceable. F money.

I’m sorry for your loss. I have a friend who went through this very thing: finally found the love of her life and he died suddenly less than ten years later. A stark reminder that we need to cherish what we have and not be jealous of what we don’t have.

[Anonymous]

I married someone who makes a ton of money but won’t share any of it and is a jerk. So I’m jealous of people who married rich to generous people.

[Anonymous]

Forget marrying rich, I wish I had rich parents. Everything after that is often so much smoother. And the rich DH usually is part of the package.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marrying well goes both ways. He has to also hope to be on the receiving end of her respect. Without that, it is an imbalanced marriage with skewed power in the direction of the breadwinner. Usually the woman in such a relationship brings social and financial capital to the marriage to balance out his breadwinning position.

During my divorce I met with attorneys who told me that contrary to what I may think, there are plenty of upper class WASPy marriages that feature domestic abuse, long term infidelity,.. all the usual suspects. These couples won't get a divorce for various reasons - shame, to protect finances, for the sake of the children,... also the usual excuses. In college I knew a couple of prep school products who's fathers were in long term extramarital affairs and the entire nuclear family knew it.

Despite that experience in college I still envied the girls who seemed to marry successful men. It is only 10+ years into imbalanced marriages that the cracks appear. I was in such an imbalanced marriage but thankfully I have a professional degree and was able to reignite the career after being SAHM. Not many women are able to it I'm afraid.
It would have been a balanced marriage if my ex was supportive of my career but he expected to replicate his parent's marriage where the mother did not work and the father paid no heed to childrearing nor anything domestic. To everybody outside, ours looked like a successful arrangement. But financially it was setup to fail. Ex doesn't have a good grasp of finances and is deeply secretive about money so .... I had to get out to secure financial stability for me and the kids. His father also belittled and browbeat his wife regularly so this began happening to me too. To everybody outside however, the ILs are the example of a successful long term marriage.
I admit I was beguiled by their marriage like much of their set and imagined I could live that too.
Well, I've done it and it was the most expensive investment in attorney fees for me to pull myself out of.

Your story is a copy and cut of mine. Was married for 16 years; out of which the last 6 years he lived a secret double life (found out about rented apartment during Covid). Terrible messy divorce; hidden assets. I came out with 50% of net assets (about $4mm) from divorce. But my career was severely damaged: my W2 salary is $60k/year.

My biggest regret is my career. How did you manage to reignite yours ? Which field are you in ?

[Anonymous]

I know quite a few people who married rich and I don't envy them. Here are a few...

1.) Friend married doctor who has trust fund. The mom/grandma runs the show and makes her feel like a loser gold-digger for going to a top school and daring to be ao full time mom. She is an excellent mom and does a tremendous amount to support her husband's career, but they have needed a ton of therapy to set boundaries with the mom who is abusive toward her and to deal with the husband being so arrogant and not appreciating all she does.

2.) Old friend married another doctor from a wealthy family, but no trust fund. Same culture as family, but family treats her like trash. They were disgusted by her liberal arts major and job (which is a great job, but does not have high earning potential). Her husband just could not set boundaries and defend her and she knew having kids would make things worse. She divorced him and years later met her now husband. Much happier.

3.) Coworker married biglaw guy who cheated on her enough times she gave up and divorced him. It's a nightmare coparenting with him.

4.) Another coworker was married to a biglaw huy who never paid taxes. She stayed with him and it has been hell paying everything back. He lived large.

The list goes on...I think it was Dr. Phil who said if you marry rich, you earn every penny. Rich families can be bat shit crazy. Family money means dealing with a cast of characters who feel they have power over you. Marrying self-made money can come with the momey-maker getting too big for her/his britches and not appreciating the other one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be happy for your own advantages in life and the things you enjoy about your spouse. Sure, I wish my spouse earned more but he probably wishes I looked like a Victoria’s Secret model (I don’t.)

Also, my dad is a retired big law partner and the grueling number of hours he worked put an enormous strain on my parents marriage. Though we had a nice life and a loving home, it was a sad relationship dynamic to be around growing up, and my dad missed a lot of his kids milestones working at a job he loathed.

Haha, you don’t care if your spouse makes much because YOU come from a rich family. How can you miss that? I’ll bet you had DP help, fully funded education, and don’t have to worry about paying for your parents elder care?

DP but I am much more envious of people who come from wealthy families than I am of women who marry rich guys. Graduating from school without debt is such a gift. Plus wealthy families can also often help with down payments, or they pay for nice travel, or they'll pay for your kids childcare. Hell, I'm jealous of people who have parents who provide free childcare (and are young and interested in doing so).

I'd rather have a wealthy and supportive family than a high earning spouse. With a wealthy family, you have support and protection even if you never marry at all.

Plenty of abusive behavior in wealthy families too and lots of using money to try to control and create dependence. Also, with physical and sexual abuse CPS can turn a blind eye for fear of endless lawsuits. You'd be surprised how warped and disturbed wealthy families can be, Armmie Hammmers family is the extreme, but there are plenty of disturbing tales.

[Anonymous]

Family friend married a prominent surgeon. Her "job" as trophy was made clear and involved staying thin and pretty. She kept it up and spent plenty of time at gym, dermatologist office, and plastic surgeon's office. He became ill and she took care of him. After he died she learned about all his debt, affairs and money stuff. He set their kids up for life fianncially, but did not look out for her financially. She had people suing the estate for unpaid bills.