Reply to How to not be jealous of women who married rich?

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[quote=Anonymous]Eh, I have friends who married rich guys like this and while there are very specific things I envy (being able to easily afford really high quality childcare, being able to travel extensively), I would not want to switch lives with them. Thinking of two women in particular I know the this situation, who like me have one young child (no plans for more):

The first is married to a very good friend of mine and I know he's a fantastic guy. They have a big house in the suburbs with a huge yard, and excellent local schools. She's a full time SAHM. I love them all, including their kid. But I also know he works insane hours and gets extremely stressed about work, that she is very isolated sometimes as a SAHM with a partner working incredibly long hours, that their date nights and vacations are often disrupted by his clients or urgent work matters. They seem very happy in some ways and they struggle in other ways. This is not me saying "oh their life is terrible" because it's not. I'm just saying there are tradeoffs involved and I'm not sure I'd want those tradeoffs. I like that my DH has a reasonable, predictable work schedule and can do a lot of parenting stuff when I am working or need a break. I like that since we both work, neither of us has the same level of intense pressure of being the sole breadwinner or the sold homemaker/primary parent. They have a nicer home and will have a more comfortable retirement and don't have to worry about college for their kid. But we have a much more relaxed day-to-day, more equality in our marriage, and my DC has a closer relationship with her dad than theirs does. Tradeoffs.

The second is married to someone who is technically not still in BigLaw but still making quite a bit of money. They've travelled very extensively and even lived abroad, and I definitely envy that. But in this case, I honestly don't think they are that happy. He seems perpetually dissatisfied. He was unhappy in BigLaw because of the hours and pressure, so he left. Now he's at an NGO and still doesn't seem satisfied (plus seems to miss the money and perks of his old job). She actually works full time but makes very little money, and I think with him downgrading his job this is creating some friction because they don't get any of the benefits of a SAHP but also her income does not contribute much at all. It's interesting because they have so much more than we do (nicer house, much higher income, nicer vacations, nicer things) but they always seem vaguely miserable. My sense is that they are both a little immature and selfish (not enormously, but some) and the combo of coming down a bit in income plus having a kid has really highlighted this. It seems like they should be very happy but they complain constantly.

The point is, marrying a very high earner sounds like the solution to everything, but it's much more complex than that. Just because a guy makes a lot doesn't mean he's a terrific partner. And making a lot of money comes with major drawbacks in terms of hours and stress. At the end of the day, you still have to make your relationship work. And high earners are not exempt -- they have to figure it out too. It's a good reminder that to a certain extent, we're all in the same boat.

[Check back in with me when their kids can go wherever they get in for college and they get to spend retirement flying around the world, tho... of course I still get jealous!][/quote]

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