Being single and seeing my friends get married and have kids

[Anonymous]

Do other ladies here who are single get sad because they see their friends getting married and having kids? I know it sounds lame but I get depressed and sad because I can’t find anyone. Mid 30s and single and each guy I meet, they are either talking to multiple women, divorced with kids, or either jobless or have a blue-collar job…not that I have anything against that, but I’m looking for a family soon.

What do you do to cope and meet guys? I try to go to yoga classes, bookstores like Barnes and noble, I’m even trying kickball leagues this spring.

[Anonymous]

Of course, that’s a normal reaction.

But are you not doing online dating? If not, you need to start. You have to shift thru a lot of lemons but there are some good guys on here.

I think you’re smart not to date divorced guys with kids at your age. That adds a lot of complications and many of those guys don’t want to get remarried. Wait till you are at least 42 to date guys with kids

Get online, date a bunch of guys.

[Anonymous]

You have to do online.

Also read Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others (the book is better than the title). There is a summary online as well.

You have to make it a job to find someone at that age. I went on 100+ first dates in about a year after breaking up with a long term ex in my early 30s. Met DH, couldn't be happier. But it was a job. I tried to make it fun and not take it top seriously. I got attached to two guys who ended up being mental cases but thankfully neither took more than a few months of my time. The other were all 1 or max 2 dates until finally DH met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course, that’s a normal reaction.

But are you not doing online dating? If not, you need to start. You have to shift thru a lot of lemons but there are some good guys on here.

I think you’re smart not to date divorced guys with kids at your age. That adds a lot of complications and many of those guys don’t want to get remarried. Wait till you are at least 42 to date guys with kids

Get online, date a bunch of guys.

1000%. I finally met my amazing boyfriend and (hopefully) soon to be fiancé at 34. To say it took work is an understatement. I got discouraged so many times. Do not date divorced men with kids and do not date anyone who is only separated. The ones our age ready to settle down with little baggage are rare but they’re out there. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It's great that you are opening yourself up to meet someone organically, but I agree with PP's who say to also online date. It simply is another highly effective means to try, and it has proven successful for so many. I had to go on less than 10 dates I think before meeting my boyfriend. I treated it as a new hobby, and I tried to go on one date a week. I also got more comfortable and confident the more that I went on so by the time I met my boyfriend I was completely ready. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP I remember this and yes, it's totally normal, and yes, it sucks. I think it's especially hard because as people marry and have kids they tend to get lots of positive attention at a time when they have great stuff going on in their lives anyway. I remember feeling invisible when I was in this stage.

In addition to the advice above (which I think is very good) I have one more piece of advice that I think will serve you whether you are single or dating or getting married:

Find a hobby. A true hobby -- something you are passionate about and want to pursue even if it doesn't help you meet men. Could be an activity like yoga, running, or rock climbing. Could be an area of focus or study, like reading (and maybe writing?) mystery novels, or baking, or woodworking. Make it something you can do with other like-minded people but that you can also pursue on your own. And then dig into it. Devote time to it, look for clubs or events in the area, take an online class on the subject. Find something that makes you feel good when you are doing and that you look forward to and enjoy talking about.

Part of this is because it makes dating better -- people will be attracted to your passion, it gives you something to talk about, and it makes you more memorable. But it's also to help sustain you. When you are going on dates and nothing is clicking, or you see someone for three weeks and they abruptly drop you, or it seems like everyone you meet is divorced or older or just doesn't feel right, having a passion will give you a break from all that. If it involves developing a skill or knowledge, it will also be a confidence builder and give you a reason to feel good about yourself that has nothing to do with your love life.

It will help, I promise.

[Anonymous]

PP above has it right.

As I see it, there’s two ways you can go about it. You can dig into dating and finding a partner like it’s a job. Work things like networking events, OLD, and go places expressly to meet a partner. I know of a few friends who went this route, and got the results they wanted.

I went the other route. I focused on building a life that made me completely happy, on my own. I took up new hobbies and immersed myself in them. I volunteered. I chatted up strangers at the grocery store that interested me - like 100 year old ladies and 5 year old kids. And in doing that, I met DH through one of those hobbies. While I’m happy I did meet him, I look upon those few years where my focus was my own happiness as some of the best of my life. He wasn’t the icing on the cake as much as some extra leavening in the batter that made me rise a little more, but the life I had created was happy, and exactly what I wanted for myself.

[Anonymous]

I met my DH when I was 35. We met in a foreign country on an adventure type trip.

Face to face without tech is the way to go. You aren't worried about texting or who calls who, or who initiates the first date. You sit opposite each other in a restaurant by the sea and talk.

[Anonymous]

I felt the same way when I hit my mid-30's and all my friends were getting married and having kids. And often the same people were also becoming more successful career-wise than I was, so that was a blow too! I felt like a real loser at times, even though I knew I was fine.

Honestly, my advice would be twofold. First, cast a wider net. Yeah, online dating can be discouraging and/or depressing but I still know a ton of people who have met nice people that way, so you need to do it. Keep up with your friendships too, and try to keep meeting new platonic friends so you feel like your life is full. Second, start figuring out what would make you happy if you did end up single and child-free. Chances are you won't, but you might, and it's worth exploring your options. Would you be happy making your own nest (home) or traveling more? This is the time to pursue interesting hobbies or get your career to a really good place or pursue educational opportunities. Who knows you might meet someone doing that stuff. Or you might end up just being a more interesting, more fulfilled person.

I ended up with an accidental pregnancy at 36 and I'm still single. Just turned 50. I don't love being single at my age but I also don't hate it. I have a decent career, my own home, hobbies, a ton of friends and an awesome kid. So my life isn't what I expected AT ALL but it's pretty good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do other ladies here who are single get sad because they see their friends getting married and having kids? I know it sounds lame but I get depressed and sad because I can’t find anyone. Mid 30s and single and each guy I meet, they are either talking to multiple women, divorced with kids, or either jobless or have a blue-collar job…not that I have anything against that, but I’m looking for a family soon.

What do you do to cope and meet guys? I try to go to yoga classes, bookstores like Barnes and noble, I’m even trying kickball leagues this spring.

I’m a man and experience the same thing with women on the apps talking to multiple guys. Both sides do it.

[Anonymous]

Ask every girlfriend, or ideally her husband/BFF... how about every single person you know .. to set you up on one date .. or invite both of you over

[Anonymous]

Mid 30s and single and each guy I meet, they are either talking to multiple women, divorced with kids, or either jobless or have a blue-collar job…not that I have anything against that, but I’m looking for a family soon.

Yes, because you waited too long to get serious about wanting to be married. You should have focused on this in your 20s. At this point, you need to lower your standards. That man with a "blue collar job" or "divorced with kids" or a man in his 40s or 50s (likely with kids) are your options now. That is the cold, hard truth. It's time to lower your price.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it's totally normally. I remember feeling that way in my early years before I met DH. I would imagine that we all go through it. I had a lot of anxiety over meeting someone, being single, potentially staying single, "running out of time", etc. I dated a ton online and tried to get myself out there. All failures. And then, randomly, I met someone through a colleague and we hit it off. Dated 6 months. Engaged. Married within 10 months. I'm now mid 40s and we've been married 10 years.

All that is to say that things can change before you know it. I agree with the advise re: meeting people in person, if possible. It was a game changer for me, though I do have MANY friends (as we all do, I'm sure) who have had online dating success.

Best of luck, OP. You're definitely not alone

[Anonymous]

OP I totally feel you. I married at 23 to the love of my life (we have 3 kids together now, I'm SAHM because H works long hours in MBB consulting).

Here's some things that helped my friends:
- Be yourself. What I mean is never compromise on who you are and what you believe in.
- I've heard H tell me that he prefers working with older childless women in his sector because they can be 100% focused on the client. I think it's so tough to balance work and family!
- I never got to "sow my wild oats," so I'm totally envious that you are going on all these no strings dates with available men.
- Have you thought about going to a sperm bank? With my H gone a lot for work it's often like I'm raising the kids myself (his paycheck helps a lot of course, we're also close to the kids school in McLean).


Good luck!

[Anonymous]

No. The grass is always greener.