Lonely, Empty Marriage After Dead MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I recommend some therapy for you.

I am also a minority woman married to a non-minority man. To me it sounds like you have so much bitterness about this that even if both ILs die and are no longer an issue you’ll continue to hold it against your husband. Could there be deeper issues there, regarding your expectations for him to protect and stand up for you? I agree with you that he sounds conflict averse and avoidant BUT I also think you holding onto this with so much anger and bitterness is not helping you or him. You might both need counseling, but I’d start with you so that you have a change to process what it is you need from him. It is hard to be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t acknowledge your feelings, on the flip side it is hard to be married to someone who doesn’t let you make amends and move on. If you get divorced you don’t want to take baggage with you . Good luck.

I'm not OP. But I don't get posts like these. OF COURSE she expects him to stand up for her and, more importantly, his kids. She doesn't need therapy to "fix" that.

The question in marriage is always what are you going to do when a person doesn’t live up to your expectations. That is pretty much the choice she has here. She had a choice of whether to marry him or not, knowing that he wasn’t anti-racist enough for her. She has a choice about how to talk with him, whether she wants to educate him, and how she wants to carry herself in this. I think what people are picking up on is the anger and victim position, which says I’m not responsible here I was just wronged. Sure, he hasn’t lived up to his side of things, but holding yourself like a victim without choices is going to burn you inside and meanwhile also create anger and resentment on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I hear you. Could you document the racism in DH's social/family circles? Does anyone here think that would help/ensure a full custody arrangement?

I have A LOT of documentation. Over the years, I started writing his parents e-mails raising their racist comments with them. I also got copies of racist things they wrote about me. Not to mention so many other examples that aren't documented. But even then, nothing is guaranteed as far as custody goes. Lawyers I've consulted have told me that family court turns on the judge you get. Some white Boomer judge who is himself someone's racist in law might rule that DH has learned his lesson and can be trusted to share custody. Right now, with DH's relatives banned from the house and any FT conversations happening with my earshot, my children are safe. No more comments about how the boy has to be watched before his "other side" kicks in and he steals something. No more comments about my toddler daughter showing "slutty" tendencies. I kid you not. These people have said that and worse about my children while my husband did nothing. I will never forgive him, but I have to be pragmatic.

YOU are your children's first and best advocate, YOU. There's no way in hell I'd stay married to him. It's one thing for his parents to be racist, it's another for him to not stand up for his own children. You are not doing your children any favors by staying in this marriage. What will they think of you when learn of the choice you made to stay in this marriage?? And they will find out, for sure. You staying in this marriage isn't being "pragmatic," it's being stupid.

OP, tge above poster is white and has no idea what your children could face if left alone with your husband. You’re doing the right thing. Dealing with racism is hard. The people like the above poster who choose “not to see race” are exhausting. You’re doing the right thing to protect your children.

Wrong, lady. I'm biracial, just like her children. One black parent, one white. You people kill me thinking you know everything about every poster. It's laughable.

Staying with a racist is NOT protecting her children. Her husband clearly has an issue with blackness which is why he has refused to stand up to his own family to defend it. And proximity to blackness (like marrying a black person) does not exclude him from being racist. How do you stay married to man who is unwilling to protect his own children?? My father would never allow a racist to talk about me and not defend me. Never. Hell, even Harry had the balls to leave the royal family!

She's better off without him.

Yes, SHE is better off...but her children still have to deal with it all. If she leaves, who can look out for them at daddy’s family get togethers? Think!

Her children will have to deal with it PERIOD because that's their family. You think she'll be present for every one of "daddy's family get togethers"? Do you think their grandfather won't communicate with his grandchildren..ever?? So you're saying it makes more sense for this woman to stay married to a racist so that she can look after her children at his family get togethers?? You can't be serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I hear you. Could you document the racism in DH's social/family circles? Does anyone here think that would help/ensure a full custody arrangement?

I have A LOT of documentation. Over the years, I started writing his parents e-mails raising their racist comments with them. I also got copies of racist things they wrote about me. Not to mention so many other examples that aren't documented. But even then, nothing is guaranteed as far as custody goes. Lawyers I've consulted have told me that family court turns on the judge you get. Some white Boomer judge who is himself someone's racist in law might rule that DH has learned his lesson and can be trusted to share custody. Right now, with DH's relatives banned from the house and any FT conversations happening with my earshot, my children are safe. No more comments about how the boy has to be watched before his "other side" kicks in and he steals something. No more comments about my toddler daughter showing "slutty" tendencies. I kid you not. These people have said that and worse about my children while my husband did nothing. I will never forgive him, but I have to be pragmatic.

YOU are your children's first and best advocate, YOU. There's no way in hell I'd stay married to him. It's one thing for his parents to be racist, it's another for him to not stand up for his own children. You are not doing your children any favors by staying in this marriage. What will they think of you when learn of the choice you made to stay in this marriage?? And they will find out, for sure. You staying in this marriage isn't being "pragmatic," it's being stupid.

OP, tge above poster is white and has no idea what your children could face if left alone with your husband. You’re doing the right thing. Dealing with racism is hard. The people like the above poster who choose “not to see race” are exhausting. You’re doing the right thing to protect your children.

Wrong, lady. I'm biracial, just like her children. One black parent, one white. You people kill me thinking you know everything about every poster. It's laughable.

Staying with a racist is NOT protecting her children. Her husband clearly has an issue with blackness which is why he has refused to stand up to his own family to defend it. And proximity to blackness (like marrying a black person) does not exclude him from being racist. How do you stay married to man who is unwilling to protect his own children?? My father would never allow a racist to talk about me and not defend me. Never. Hell, even Harry had the balls to leave the royal family!

She's better off without him.

Yes, SHE is better off...but her children still have to deal with it all. If she leaves, who can look out for them at daddy’s family get togethers? Think!

She can't stop her in laws behaviors married or divorced. That is not a reason to stay married.

+100000