Reply to Lonely, Empty Marriage After Dead MIL

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I recommend some therapy for you.

I am also a minority woman married to a non-minority man. To me it sounds like you have so much bitterness about this that even if both ILs die and are no longer an issue you’ll continue to hold it against your husband. Could there be deeper issues there, regarding your expectations for him to protect and stand up for you? I agree with you that he sounds conflict averse and avoidant BUT I also think you holding onto this with so much anger and bitterness is not helping you or him. You might both need counseling, but I’d start with you so that you have a change to process what it is you need from him. It is hard to be in a marriage with someone who doesn’t acknowledge your feelings, on the flip side it is hard to be married to someone who doesn’t let you make amends and move on. If you get divorced you don’t want to take baggage with you . Good luck.[/quote]

I'm not OP.  But I don't get posts like these.  OF COURSE she expects him to stand up for her and, more importantly, his kids.  She doesn't need therapy to "fix" that.[/quote]

The question in marriage is always what are you going to do when a person doesn’t live up to your expectations. That is pretty much the choice she has here. She had a choice of whether to marry him or not, knowing that he wasn’t anti-racist enough for her. She has a choice about how to talk with him, whether she wants to educate him, and how she wants to carry herself in this. I think what people are picking up on is the anger and victim position, which says I’m not responsible here I was just wronged. Sure, he hasn’t lived up to his side of things, but holding yourself like a victim without choices is going to burn you inside and meanwhile also create anger and resentment on the other side.[/quote]

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