Resentful that ILs only want to help DH’s son and not mine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Title says it all. It’s a family tradition in DH’s family to educate the kids in a particular college.. My son and stepson are the same age and grew up together for most of their lives. However, my ILs say they will cover tuition for their own grandson without any mention of doing something for his stepbrother. I find this unfair and inappropriate as if to sow discord between the two of them. How should I approach this with them?

Sorry op you cant dictate how others spend their money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our house there would be a shouting match over this

You could shout until you were blue but I get to spend my money on whom I choose as do OP's in-laws. They owe zero to her son by another man.

Do many step grandparents truly feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our house there would be a shouting match over this

You could shout until you were blue but I get to spend my money on whom I choose as do OP's in-laws. They owe zero to her son by another man.

Do many step grandparents truly feel this way?

NP but yes. Step parents should love the kids, but why should step grandparents? The kid still has 4 grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our house there would be a shouting match over this

You could shout until you were blue but I get to spend my money on whom I choose as do OP's in-laws. They owe zero to her son by another man.

Do many step grandparents truly feel this way?

NP but yes. Step parents should love the kids, but why should step grandparents? The kid still has 4 grandparents.

OP have you approached the bio Dad's parents to fund the child's education? It seems odd that your son has 4 deceased grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Be thankful that one of your son's college is paid for and start saving for the other son's college.

Understand most families in this situation have to pay for 2 kids college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don’t want to get in the way of his maternal and paternal grandparents who may have plans to pay for his tuition. It would come off as stealing their thunder. You should thank them for being so considerate of your parents and the parents of your child’s father.

While I think OP is being ridiculous, I doubt this is the reason the grandparents haven't offered to pay for OP's son.

[Anonymous]

OP,

If your own parents did not care enough to fund their grandson's college and the Bio Dad's parents (other grandparents) did not care enough to fund their own grandson's college then why are step grandparents on the hook in your world?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don’t want to get in the way of his maternal and paternal grandparents who may have plans to pay for his tuition. It would come off as stealing their thunder. You should thank them for being so considerate of your parents and the parents of your child’s father.

While I think OP is being ridiculous, I doubt this is the reason the grandparents haven't offered to pay for OP's son.

It may be partly financial. They may only be able to fund their grandchild and need the rest for retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG you don't. It could conceivably be nice if they offered, but they didn't. It's not your money, and it's not your son's money. Take the money that you and DH would have spent on your stepson's tuition and apply the whole amount to your son.

If you want to hit someone up for tuition assistance, ask your family or or son's bio father's family.

+1

+1. No obligation whatsoever.

This. You sound like a nightmare. How much are you contributing to your sons college education? Do you work? Where is his father? How much is the father contributing? That is who should be paying. Not the step grandparents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

Get child support.

Get a job or second job to fund your own son's future (since step Dad has no interest.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

Poor choice in partners is not your in-law's fault.

Since you don't get child support understand that your husband has supported your kid for years. He has helped fund the roof over your heads, paid for heat and paid for groceries for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

[/b]Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future[b]. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

You have a major DH problem. Sorry you married an ahole.

How does your husband feel about paying for stepson's college? It sounds like your husband has been supporting stepson for years but is "disinterested."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can be gracious and say that while you appreciate the offer, it would be problematic to treat the two brothers differently, so you will sort it out on your own with both of them.

Or you could accept the money with a grateful thank-you, and use it to offset the money you will spend toward the other young man's tuition.

Those are your options.

It is sad to me that the grandparents are so craven.

If the child ever wondered if relatives (on the husband's side) loved them both the same...they have their answer.

I think the husband should say this is awkward and inconsiderate to the other child. He can ask if they could give it as a blanket gift to the family's college expenses or turn it down.

The statement needs to be made that all the children in the family are solidly in the family, not some netherland of relationship.

The problem is step Dad is "disinterested" in stepson's college plans. Step Dad has lived in the same house for years as there is no bio Dad in the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you just refuse the financial help and you guys can pay for both sons' tuition.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say?

Nothing. He’s just happy that his son wants to maintain this family tradition but is disinterested in my son’s future. My son’s bio dad isn’t in the picture and he has no living grandparents. The only grandparents he knows are DH’s parents and they are nice to him but it’s obvious they love their own grandson while taking a polite interest in my son. What hurts is that I cooked, cleaned, tutored and took care of both kids for many years but there’s no acknowledgement for my role in their grandson’s success and no acknowledgement for my son either.

Your husband is disinterested in his stepson’s future? Lady, THAT is what you need to be posting about. Forget the grandparents. They have no obligation to your child. But your spouse? That’s a whole different story.

+1! That was exactly what I was thinking! Wow, you stayed with a man who could not or chose not to love your son. That is the issue.

I feel sad for stepson. BioDad is not on the scene. Step Dad, who raised stepson, is "disinterested" in college plans.