Wow. Quarantine made me realize I don’t like my kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who think kids’ personalities are 100% the result of parenting must have max 1 kid. It’s ridiculous. We have 3 kids. None are “problem” kids. But 2 of them have literally the opposite personality. Could not be more different. The idea that their personalities are totally due to our parenting is laughable.

I read somewhere recently that almost half of DCUM posters don’t even have kids. Some people just like to throw out their BS “advice”.

[Anonymous]

There used to be a parenting technique called the "look." If mom gave me the look I knew I was in for it. I avoided direct eye contact most of the time! Though, my younger sister never got the look, not the "in for it." To this day, my sister will be an obnoxious, can't see that she has gone overboard with her drama and tantrum behavior! Mom still endures it from her, but she never allowed me the same benefit!
Example, adult sister will stomp her feet and throw a tantrum! And mom will say, let her be, you know how she is! I am like, WTF mom! If you did something about it when she was 5, 7, 10....maybe she wouldn't' be a 47 year old stomping her foot!
By something I don't necessarily mean something negative all the time. Was it easier just to let sister get away with it? Possibly. Do I think some kids just want some attention? Like OP's son maybe? Possibly. Or, is he a turd because he know she dislikes him? Possibly.
To either scenarios my recommendation is the same, get a bag of popcorn, call you kid to watch a movie with you just you and him. Cuddle him while he is still young. Scratch his back or his hair, if he will let you. Go for a drive, just you and him. And hope for the best while giving it your best to work on his and your relationship. Good luck, maybe you then avoid having him stomp around at 50 if he doesn't get his way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else?

I have 4. My oldest two and youngest can be obnoxious and have their moments but my 8-year-old is so unpleasant to be around. I realize in small doses (weekends, evenings) I can handle it but this 24/7 thing with him has been terrible. He complains constantly, is a terrible student, is impossible to teach and is only happy when staring at a screen or annoying the shit of his siblings. I’d say this was just the age but I think it’s just him. Teachers have made comments but seeing it all first hand has been very eye opening.

It seem counter intuitive but spend more one on one time with him each day. Don't ask him just initiate yourself. It will take a week or two but I bet you will start to see results,

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else?

I have 4. My oldest two and youngest can be obnoxious and have their moments but my 8-year-old is so unpleasant to be around. I realize in small doses (weekends, evenings) I can handle it but this 24/7 thing with him has been terrible. He complains constantly, is a terrible student, is impossible to teach and is only happy when staring at a screen or annoying the shit of his siblings. I’d say this was just the age but I think it’s just him. Teachers have made comments but seeing it all first hand has been very eye opening.

Then do something about it. It’s your job

[Anonymous]

My observation is that seemingly obnoxious kids usually have undiagnosed special needs. Some have childhood trauma but if a kid is from a “normal” household... you bet there is anxiety or ADHD or some such.
Even with minimal parenting, neurotypical kids are usually more or less in control of their behavior. If course some are more pleasant or resilient or brave than others but nothing too outstanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My observation is that seemingly obnoxious kids usually have undiagnosed special needs. Some have childhood trauma but if a kid is from a “normal” household... you bet there is anxiety or ADHD or some such.
Even with minimal parenting, neurotypical kids are usually more or less in control of their behavior. If course some are more pleasant or resilient or brave than others but nothing too outstanding.

+1 good point

[Anonymous]

Can we please stop bashing parents of only children? I have one child, now 14, and he has always been an easy child and I have always said that it’s his personality. We’re a good fit, personality-wise, and I think that helps but we didn’t do anything special to “make” him easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in a school (though am not a teacher). So many kids are unlikeable these days because parents refuse to parent.

+1. Kids are a reflection of their parents and their ability to parent. Always.

How is that true when OP has 4 kids and only one of them is a problem?

You only need one scapegoat.

[Anonymous]

People suck. I am sorry OP. My oldest is also obnoxious. I get parenting coaching through a therapist, and it helps. DS isn’t an angel, but our relationship is much better. He is much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 8 yo twins and had a problem for a while with one, but not the other. Just so you know, it can be a long and involved process to fix, but your son is young enough that you fix this if you put the time in. I had a little more time with only 2 kids and you'll have less time with 4 kids, but it is possible.

First, we sat down and had a private (from the siblings) conversation about why he complained a lot and made things difficult. The explicit reasons were not unexpected. We were often critical of things he did (he's a little lazy and uninspired). He wanted some 1:1 time because he always felt in the shadow of his brother. And he transitions poorly. He can't just stop and drop what he is doing to do something else. If we ask him to do things "right now" he has a hard time changing gears, accepting that he can't finish what he was working on/doing and pick up what we want him to do. Now the unwritten things he wanted was that he didn't feel that he had enough positive feedback and he didn't feel like he got enough attention. We rarely did things with them individually. Especially as twins, being a unique individual that is part of being identified as a couple by most of the world, was important. He loved being a twin and loved his brother, but he needed some individuality and recognition as an individual. I expect that middle children often feel the same, needing more attention and needing some 1:1 time with parents and some recognition that he is special and loved outside of being "the kids". First and last are often singled out more and identified more. Middle kids often get a little bit of neglect situationally.

So, it took about 2 years to turn him around (from about 5-7 yo). It took a lot of deliberate work to make sure that criticism was calm and patient and seemingly constructive rather than negative. We had to make sure to give positive feedback, even for things that seemed run of the mill. In your case, make sure that you aren't evaluating him based on his older siblings. Sometimes middle kids do what their older siblings do. It may seem normal for the older kids, but you have to remember that especially if the middle kid hasn't done it as much, is not as experienced, or may not have as good manual dexterity, that something that is average for the older sibling may be worth acknowledging with positive feedback for a younger sibling. We had to make sure that we set aside time to split our kids up and do things 1:1 with each kid. It's hard because we both work full-time and if we are both occupied by childcare then we can't get much of anything else done, so we often divide and conquer, one doing childcare and the other doing housework, chores, errands, etc. But we tried to make sure to separate them. We had to make sure that even when they were doing the same thing or together, that we had to separate out what each was doing to give some more individual attention to each even when they were together. That was a challenge and we all learned through the process. And for transitioning, we had to start thinking early what we needed him to do. Giving him warnings 10 minutes and 5 minutes and 2 minutes before we needed him to transition helped a lot. He knew that he needed to start to wrap up what he was doing and start transitioning to new things early, so they didn't feel so abrupt and he felt he got to finish what he was doing.

The first few months, it didn't feel like it was working and it was discouraging. As parents, we want to see more evidence of progress and it didn't seem like it. But we kept with it and after a few months, there was noticeable behavioral change. He started being less cross with the world, and less of a pain. We discovered that he had a good sense of humor and was able to laugh at himself (something he couldn't do before as he felt the world did not like him before) and laugh with people instead of lashing out at people who he thought were laughing at him. He was able to distinguish between people laughing at him and people laughing with him.

I know that all children are individual and unique. What worked for us may or may not work for you, but I hope that what I've said may help you try to find your son. I know that some kids won't react to this type of change, but we were fortunate our little PITA did. And he's so different now. Good luck.

NP - thank you for this post. This thread demonstrates what a difficult issue this is, challenging people's ability to discuss it, let alone resolve it. Your post very helpfully describes how you accomplished a good outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My observation is that seemingly obnoxious kids usually have undiagnosed special needs. Some have childhood trauma but if a kid is from a “normal” household... you bet there is anxiety or ADHD or some such.
Even with minimal parenting, neurotypical kids are usually more or less in control of their behavior. If course some are more pleasant or resilient or brave than others but nothing too outstanding.

As a teacher I agree past a certain age but I’m not sure home behavior is a full indicator. In school/social settings at some point they should start to have social instincts or desires that kick in around peers. OP did say teachers have shared struggles so maybe it is something to consider.

As a teacher the best advice I’ve gotten is to try to “flip” your assessment of some behaviors into something positive. Example when you guys are doing family activities your son’s behavior might be annoying to siblings but on the positive side he has a lot of energy. Sometimes by doing this you’ll open up your thoughts into a way you can channel the behaviors into something more positive (example: give son a more active task during the family activity or pick an activity where son can be active), or at least it can help you break out of a feedback loop of misery. It will help you work on building your relationship.

I believe it is not solely parenting, just like in the classroom it’s not solely your classroom that causes a child to misbehave. But we are the adults so we can better reflect on how we can build the relationship with the child. Disorders that wouldn’t respond to average parent/teacher attempts to improve the relationship are very rare. They do exist, but most likely are not at play here. What was described in the OP sounds like more typical issues of needing extra behavior support and interventions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we please stop bashing parents of only children? I have one child, now 14, and he has always been an easy child and I have always said that it’s his personality. We’re a good fit, personality-wise, and I think that helps but we didn’t do anything special to “make” him easy.

I have an only who had SN. We worked really hard on it for many years. He is easy, sweet and loving but no kid is prefect. Parenting plays a big part. This kid needs attention and support.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have 8 year old twin boys and being locked in 24/7 can be too much sometimes. And with four kids.....sometimes I find them annoying too, when they are complaining, fighting, etc etc.....maybe you are depressed and tired?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we please stop bashing parents of only children? I have one child, now 14, and he has always been an easy child and I have always said that it’s his personality. We’re a good fit, personality-wise, and I think that helps but we didn’t do anything special to “make” him easy.

No-one is bashing parents of only children, but please stop behaving like having one kid or having multiple kids is the same amount of parenting work and stress. So much easier to deal with and focus on and give to ONE kid. I should know, I am an only child, but I have twin sons. I keep telling my parents how lucky they were with me, who was always a good girl. Compare that to twin boys, and one is super active, loud, combative etc. The dynamics are multi-dimensional. It is not only parent-child, but also sibling-to-sibling. Siblings always compete for all kind of attention etc from parent, creating stress and conflicts. It can be total chaotic sometimes.

[jsteele]

The OP appears to be a troll so I am locking this thread.