So overwhelmed by parenting + working FT from home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two choices: quit or hire help

We normally have a full time nanny but she is no longer coming since our school shut down due to a coronavirus case. Is there actually help to be found right now?

I’m confused. You no longer have your full time nanny come to the house because your kids are home from school? Why did she come
in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two choices: quit or hire help

We normally have a full time nanny but she is no longer coming since our school shut down due to a coronavirus case. Is there actually help to be found right now?

I’m confused. You no longer have your full time nanny come to the house because your kids are home from school? Why did she come
in the first place?

Maybe the nanny has a kid? Or maybe the school closures made the nanny too scared to come (because of how bad the virus is getting?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That new bill Congress just passed gives you up to 6 weeks 18 weeks of paid leave. From a Washington Post article on it:

"The new law grants two weeks of paid sick leave at 100 percent of the person’s
normal salary, up to $511 per day. It would also provide up to 12 weeks of paid
family and medical leave at 67 percent of the person’s normal pay, up to $200 per
day."

We're in the same boat as you, and we're only 1 week into it and work is already slipping. We may take turns availing ourselves of this option if our employers aren't willing to cut any slack.

For companies with 500 or less employees only. That's not very many companies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would hire someone you trust to come be with the kids every day for a few hours. My best friend had to do this. Both she(county Gov) and her husband (fed gov - intelligence) were deemed “critical” so they still have to go into the office a lot. Their son is in K and they were able to hire his favorite daycare teacher to come to their house everyday. The teacher was available because the daycare is closed right now. Teacher is teaching son and helping with household stuff.

This is so hard. I would LOVE to hire help as we are in the same situation as many of you. But a daycare teacher in your home? Who has been exposed to dozens of kids who were likely not showing symptoms? That seems insanely risky. I have a 16 year old cousin who wants to help us - but she was on a plane last week. So ... what to do? It's hard.

Presumably OP's kid was exposed to the same dozens of kids since it is the child's teacher! As long as teacher and everyone in teacher's family are also isolating and they trust her, if I were desperate, I'd be OK with this situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know you can't NOT work, but is there a way to cut back your hours or to shift hours so that you're doing 2-3 hours at night after the kids go to bed?

Between quiet time (min. 1 hour every afternoon where one kid naps and the other plays computer games or reads) and my after-bedtime work, I get in 4 hours of work every day. And the other 4 hours are done kind of throughout the children's waking hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. My husband and I are both teleworking, but neither of us can "call out sick" in any realistic way unless we legit get COVID 19. Our employers (and coworkers, and supervisors, and direct reports, etc.) all need things from us and we have so much work to get done. Plus we know we're not the only ones struggling so we're not about to dump the work on other people. And we can't exactly call in sick for 8 weeks!!

But we have two young kids at home and IT IS SO HARD. I'm exhausted, and it's only week 1. I don't have any advice. Just commiseration.

This is such BS. If you had the flu, if you broke your arm, if your kid was ill, you would call out for a day or more and your work would be fine. If you died, your work would figure it out. A lot of people here are addicted to the feeling of busyness. The universe is giving you an unprecedented opportunity to slow down and you won't take it.

I have a job, I manage people, I have deliverables. They can wait a few hours each day, or a day or two. They can call me if I'm offline and they desperately need an answer. It's ok to put myself first.

This x1000. The only thing worse than SAHMartyrs is WOHMartyrs. Yes, the world can survive if you take a day off. You may think the company would go bankrupt without you, but they’re resilient, I promise.

Do you think all working moms are just easily replaceable drones? I am the only person at my company who does what I do, which happens to be in high demand at this particular time given what is going on. I don’t have an inflated sense of self-importance, it’s just the truth. So stop pretending like your job or your friend’s job is like all other jobs out there. I actively try not to be a martyr, but I’m pretty sure if I told my boss I just wasn’t going to take some sick leave when I don’t actually have the coronavirus (I assume), then I’ll get fired or, at best, burn some major bridges.

Lol, get over yourself. You’re not that important. Maybe you tell yourself that to justify all of the hours you work? But trust me, if you were to die tomorrow, you would be forgotten by your boss by next week.

I don't know if you think you're going to make me feel bad by saying that, but it didn't work. I don't work a ton of hours, actually. I like my job a lot and I get paid a lot to do it. But some people have specialties and are good at what they do. Obviously you're not one of them, so I feel sorry for you.

NP, but the bolded is so needlessly mean.

Sorry, NO. The other PP was very mean to her. She deserved it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree 1000 percent that this is not sustainable. Something’s gotta give and I think for me it is my job. Going to explore going part time for a bit. Not sure I can; but also don’t see how my kids needs are met if I don’t. I’m the primary parent and that just is not going to change.

I'm so glad to see this and know I'm not alone. I work full-time and am the primary breadwinner AND primary parent. I feel sick to my stomach every time I'm stuck on a call instead of working with DC. I'm going to talk to my supervisor this afternoon to see about any wiggle room in my schedule. I'd even take LWOP at this point, but I need to be released from my work obligations, at least in part.

+1, nothing but sympathy over here.
I am the primary earner and DHs job is likely to be HEAVILY affected by this going forward. He’s offered to stop taking a salary (which makes total sense in the situation and is the right thing to do) which makes mine even more critical. I am fully WFH, thank goodness, and my bosses and coworkers have been very understanding about my very weird schedule right now. I am definitely having trouble hitting hours. But I’m still trying to work FT AND suddenly homeschool two ES kids who are on vastly different pages education-wise (age spread). DH is not book smart at all, not patient, and is zero help with schoolwork. Zero. I was already exhausted and burned out. Now I am trying to be all things to all people (nothing new) but it’s all at the same time, all day every day, and then DH asks me what’s for lunch and wonders why I roll my eyes.

In this scenario, your DH should have kept his job if he can't help you. Otherwise, he's just dumb and lazy.

[Anonymous]

We hired a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel everyone in this thread. I am in big law and there is a lot of pressure for everything to be "business as usual" and my husband is in consulting. We have three kids -- 5, 2, and 10 months. We have an au pair, but she can't handle all three on her own (she normally just has the 10 month old and the 2 year old half days). It is a disaster with help I can't even imagine having no help. I love my kids so much, but have never ever had a time in life where I wish I was single and childless!

With all due respect, there’s no reason the au pair can’t handle all three while you work. SAHMs do this every day. She should be able to manage while you work, that’s her job! You aren’t demanding too much. Hang in there.

She's a freaking au pair, not a SAHM! God. An au pair is a teenager. Young adult at most. What is wrong with you? A big law employee is working 10-12 hour days. Plus a spouse in consulting. That's not au pair-level child care.

She is an employee, and many au pairs deal with three kids routinely.

NP but you’re kind of ridiculous. Her au pair clearly did not sign up for this and this is sudden so that is irrelevant. She’s gone from probably having 2-3 hours of quiet time during nap to zero. She also can just leave and go home at anytime if she wants, this isn’t indentured servitude despite what many may think, and many au pairs may not want to be here under these circumstances ruining all travel plans / social distancing. These are also young kids that don’t understand why mommy and daddy are at home but can’t play with them, are out of their normal routine and may be extra whiny/emotional/difficult. I have this same problem, OP, my very young kids cry every time they see me. Sure I could just let them all be, but I feel horribly guilty if I do, in part because it’s exhausting and not what the au pair signed up for, and also because they are babies! people need to be a little bit understanding in this time.

It's not ridiculous to use the au pair that you hired for childcare while trying to work from home. The ten month old didn't come out of nowhere, this has been a three kid family for quite a long time. OF COURSE the au pair can't work 10-12 hour days (as per her contract that regulates these things), and of course she will need breaks and private time, and of course everyone should be kind to each other at this stressful time - but none of that means these parents can't reasonably expect the au pair to take on babysitting three kids at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two choices: quit or hire help

We normally have a full time nanny but she is no longer coming since our school shut down due to a coronavirus case. Is there actually help to be found right now?

I’m confused. You no longer have your full time nanny come to the house because your kids are home from school? Why did she come
in the first place?

You've....heard of social distancing? Self isolation? Maybe the nanny has a husband who has to go to work every day and can't guarantee that she won't be spreading germs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree 1000 percent that this is not sustainable. Something’s gotta give and I think for me it is my job. Going to explore going part time for a bit. Not sure I can; but also don’t see how my kids needs are met if I don’t. I’m the primary parent and that just is not going to change.

I'm so glad to see this and know I'm not alone. I work full-time and am the primary breadwinner AND primary parent. I feel sick to my stomach every time I'm stuck on a call instead of working with DC. I'm going to talk to my supervisor this afternoon to see about any wiggle room in my schedule. I'd even take LWOP at this point, but I need to be released from my work obligations, at least in part.

+1, nothing but sympathy over here.
I am the primary earner and DHs job is likely to be HEAVILY affected by this going forward. He’s offered to stop taking a salary (which makes total sense in the situation and is the right thing to do) which makes mine even more critical. I am fully WFH, thank goodness, and my bosses and coworkers have been very understanding about my very weird schedule right now. I am definitely having trouble hitting hours. But I’m still trying to work FT AND suddenly homeschool two ES kids who are on vastly different pages education-wise (age spread). DH is not book smart at all, not patient, and is zero help with schoolwork. Zero. I was already exhausted and burned out. Now I am trying to be all things to all people (nothing new) but it’s all at the same time, all day every day, and then DH asks me what’s for lunch and wonders why I roll my eyes.

In this scenario, your DH should have kept his job if he can't help you. Otherwise, he's just dumb and lazy.

Seriously! The DH is earning nothing AND is doing nothing at home? Wtf, I would not put up with this.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you are working concentrate on just working and making sure that the kids are safe and fed. Let them sleep in, and watch TV or ipad etc. You may want to get up a bit early and just make sandwiches ready for lunch. In fact, pack their lunch in brown bags and hand it to them for lunch. You cooking and cleaning and giving kids a bath and a hug...will come after your work day is over. From 5 to 9.

And you can let your house become messy during the work week. Clean during the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree 1000 percent that this is not sustainable. Something’s gotta give and I think for me it is my job. Going to explore going part time for a bit. Not sure I can; but also don’t see how my kids needs are met if I don’t. I’m the primary parent and that just is not going to change.

I'm so glad to see this and know I'm not alone. I work full-time and am the primary breadwinner AND primary parent. I feel sick to my stomach every time I'm stuck on a call instead of working with DC. I'm going to talk to my supervisor this afternoon to see about any wiggle room in my schedule. I'd even take LWOP at this point, but I need to be released from my work obligations, at least in part.

+1, nothing but sympathy over here.
I am the primary earner and DHs job is likely to be HEAVILY affected by this going forward. He’s offered to stop taking a salary (which makes total sense in the situation and is the right thing to do) which makes mine even more critical. I am fully WFH, thank goodness, and my bosses and coworkers have been very understanding about my very weird schedule right now. I am definitely having trouble hitting hours. But I’m still trying to work FT AND suddenly homeschool two ES kids who are on vastly different pages education-wise (age spread). DH is not book smart at all, not patient, and is zero help with schoolwork. Zero. I was already exhausted and burned out. Now I am trying to be all things to all people (nothing new) but it’s all at the same time, all day every day, and then DH asks me what’s for lunch and wonders why I roll my eyes.

In this scenario, your DH should have kept his job if he can't help you. Otherwise, he's just dumb and lazy.

Seriously! The DH is earning nothing AND is doing nothing at home? Wtf, I would not put up with this.

I think DH is trying to keep a foot in the door so there is a chance that he still has a job. No need to homeschool ES kids until this crisis is over. Seriously. To PPs who are claiming the DH is dumb and lazy and they would not put up with this - I think you all have very messed up marriages if this is your attitude. I feel pity for your DHs because it does not seem you all have respect for another person. A marriage will see many adversities and in the grand scheme this is nothing.

- NP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree 1000 percent that this is not sustainable. Something’s gotta give and I think for me it is my job. Going to explore going part time for a bit. Not sure I can; but also don’t see how my kids needs are met if I don’t. I’m the primary parent and that just is not going to change.

I'm so glad to see this and know I'm not alone. I work full-time and am the primary breadwinner AND primary parent. I feel sick to my stomach every time I'm stuck on a call instead of working with DC. I'm going to talk to my supervisor this afternoon to see about any wiggle room in my schedule. I'd even take LWOP at this point, but I need to be released from my work obligations, at least in part.

+1, nothing but sympathy over here.
I am the primary earner and DHs job is likely to be HEAVILY affected by this going forward. He’s offered to stop taking a salary (which makes total sense in the situation and is the right thing to do) which makes mine even more critical. I am fully WFH, thank goodness, and my bosses and coworkers have been very understanding about my very weird schedule right now. I am definitely having trouble hitting hours. But I’m still trying to work FT AND suddenly homeschool two ES kids who are on vastly different pages education-wise (age spread). DH is not book smart at all, not patient, and is zero help with schoolwork. Zero. I was already exhausted and burned out. Now I am trying to be all things to all people (nothing new) but it’s all at the same time, all day every day, and then DH asks me what’s for lunch and wonders why I roll my eyes.

In this scenario, your DH should have kept his job if he can't help you. Otherwise, he's just dumb and lazy.

Seriously! The DH is earning nothing AND is doing nothing at home? Wtf, I would not put up with this.

I think DH is trying to keep a foot in the door so there is a chance that he still has a job. No need to homeschool ES kids until this crisis is over. Seriously. To PPs who are claiming the DH is dumb and lazy and they would not put up with this - I think you all have very messed up marriages if this is your attitude. I feel pity for your DHs because it does not seem you all have respect for another person. A marriage will see many adversities and in the grand scheme this is nothing.

- NP here.

Sorry, not buyin it. Respect is earned, and a grown man who doesn’t know how to take care of or feed his children does not deserve my respect. And PP states she was already exhausted and burned out, so clearly he was a crap parent and partner even before the pandemic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, not buyin it. Respect is earned, and a grown man who doesn’t know how to take care of or feed his children does not deserve my respect. And PP states she was already exhausted and burned out, so clearly he was a crap parent and partner even before the pandemic.

So what is the solution? Divorce him? Give up kids for adoption now that she has had them from this loser? Abandon them? Will her life become better if her DH or her kids are no longer in the picture through death, divorce or desertion? Maybe she should rave and rant and make her homelife a hell for her children? Hey, there is therapy if her kids are traumatized for life.

She needs a solution that will happen if she and her DH come up with a plan. She needs to do this stat. Maybe make him read this thread.