Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:For better or for worse - you are a team now.

This. This situation is a good example of how "separate finances" for married couples don't exist.

+100

You obviously did not read the response on page 6 to post 14.51.
Signed, the happily married couple of wonderful separate accounts! To each their own.

Everyone ignored your dumb response because you're talking about separate accounts, whereas the issue here isn't separate accounts it is viewing money, as PP put it, in separate buckets.

I'd ask if you got the difference, but you probably don't, as you're not that bright.

Bright enough to retire anytime I want and create/run a successful business at early age. What say you? (Enjoy your W-2 wage job reporting to a boss you dumb idiot )
Anyway, in OPs case she should have separate buckets and separate accounts. If not, she will get hosed financially in the future.

I am not a W-2 employee and I do not have a boss. I also own my own business.

If you are a CPA like you claim, you are a joke. You are probably have the same level of intelligence of the financial professionals and lawyers that OP supposedly consulted with before she got married. OP's issue is that if she stays married, the "separate bucket" thing will no longer work because her husband does not have an adequate level of savings to even fund his own retirement. His bucket is basically empty. PPs are pointing out that OP deluded herself early on by thinking that her husband's financial choices would not eventually impact her. Now, she will either have to accept lousy standard of living or come out of pocket and basically bankroll him. It is further complicated because they have a second marriage and four kids are involved.

OP's situation has no bearing on your supposed situation - a childless couple who have separate accounts and adequate savings. Obviously, you tried to thread hijack because you want to feel sooooo smart, even though your posts betray you as being anything but intelligent. Hahahah. I'm sure glad you're not my CPA.

I won't be responding to you again, because you are comically stupid.

Says a low wage earning man-child who claims to own a business. You could not afford me as your CPA. Jealous much! Enjoy the evening!

I am a NP but wtf? This exchange proves why moderated forums have value. I can't believe I wasted my time reading this garbage. What are you, 12?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Virtually every female breadwinner I know has OP’s attitude.

Yeah, true that! Not sure why.

Maybe because she has taken the breadwinner role . . . but the man hasn't filled the traditional "homemaker" role? As in, she's bringing in most of the money AND grocery shopping AND signing permission slips AND folding laundry AND planning vacations, etc., etc. Both partners need to pull their weight.

So you think OP is being 100% honest and objective? You sound gullible. Do you want to buy my beautiful beach front cabin in Idaho?

Not saying this is the case with OP. Attempting to explain the “trend” referenced above. I see it happen all the time. Women step it up in the workplace and their partners fail to step up in a corresponding manner at home. Women end up burning the candle at both ends and become resentful. I don’t blame them.

+1

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Virtually every female breadwinner I know has OP’s attitude.

Yeah, true that! Not sure why.

It's because they never actually get to recreate in being a woman. Women like OP get to enjoy all the upside of being a modern, professional woman in their careers. Opportunity! Independence! Adventure! Money! Recognition! However, on the personal side, when career women have kids, they realize that they often sacrifice the few benefits that women historically have had at home. Namely, women weren't expected to play both roles of provider and caretaker. At the end of the day, as awestruck as OP is over the beautiful partnership she has with her new husband, she's still be stuck financing the whole venture. You even could argue that she's expected to play a husband-like role to the ex-wife. OP's current husband is still basically spoiling another woman at OP's eventual expense. OP will either be divorced again, or she will do without in retirement while the ex-wife will have enjoyed new outfits when she wanted them, weekend trips, etc. So empowering!

Did you miss the part where this is a blended family AND her DH is not bringing to the table everything he could? That makes a big difference. It's one thing to go all in when it's not a blended family (whether OP were a man or woman), let alone where her DH is paying his ex's part. Why should she subsidize him if he can't deal with his ex?

Did you miss the part where OP said he's been maxing his 401(k) for two years now, but it's unlikely that he'll ever catch up? He is getting too late of a start and, as a PP pointed out, how much would child support from a mentally ill woman be anyway? 1,000/month? Better than nothing, but it sounds like most of the damage has been done by his saving almost nothing up to this point.

+1

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If he has a good salary, FA might have already been out of the picture. OP, I think you're going to have to accept that you will subsidize his retirement. If you were a man, you would be broiled here for suggesting otherwise. As for his kids college, I agree with one of tg he PPs that ypu need to push him to get money from his ex. His kids deserve your advocacy for their future.

This. If he can max retirement, he probably earns too much for his kids to qualify for meaningful aid anyway.

How long has he had primary custody? Agree that he should go for CS.

Op has said that the ex is mentally ill, with borderline personality disorder. I have such a person in my family. Whatever they get in CS, they’d pay for dearly in abuse from the ex. It’s not worth it. The less interactions they have, the better. I think op was very disingenuous to leave that bit of information out of her first post.

100% agree. It is very selfish and irresponsible from OP to force him to confront his mentally unstable ex about CS? The ex is making only 2/3 of what her husband is making. So we aren't even talking about a lot of CS money here. Is it really worth it? OP's husband is very smart for choosing to stay away from the ex. The ex has a personality disorder and she said that she regret having these children. The husband knows that trying to pressure her to contribute $ to the kids education could make her snap and she could harm these kids. All this for what? for $500? Not worth it. Not sure why OP can't see it. That's what happens when you are obsessed with money.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is the purpose of marriage to you?

This is why second marriages with children are HARD. It's easy to share with a spouse when there are only joint children. Every dollar spent on your new spouse is not money that is secured for your children's future and your spouse is a legal stranger to your children, so enriching him doesn't help your kids at all.

But the reality is, separate accounts are fine, prenups are great for addressing divorce/death, but what you are complaining about is your probable joint life as a married couple in retirement. So what is marriage for you? If you all of a sudden lost all your money, would you expect your husband to "subsidize" you? If not, what is your solution? You rent a basement apartment and work until you die? What's your solution for him?

[Anonymous]

Is it worth it feeling this resentful over a fairly small amount on money? You said that your husband makes $75k, and his ex makes about 2/3rds of that, so about $50k. Plus, she’s not married and he is - to OP, who seems to make a decent salary. I mean, given the facts of this, how much child support is the court really going to award? Is is even worth the court costs, let alone dealing with a very difficult person? Maybe it is, maybe not.

Personally I’d be ticked and might want to force the ex to pay, just for the principle of the thing...but the fact is, even if does go after the ex, the resulting amount certainly isn’t going to be enough to get him anywhere caught up on retirement. So no matter what he does, the basic problem remains that OP is in much better financial shape than her husband. If they want to stay together, it sounds like they need to figure out a long-term financial plan that is realistic and fair for both of them.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I have almost $1m in retirement. Much of this I put in when I was earning a much higher salary (I used to be a law firm lawyer, now I am in-house and have a job with balance and that I love, but I earn a lot less).

If pursued, the ex would pay about $1200/mo. in child support, not counting her portion of any additional expenses (a portion of health insurance, medical costs, etc.). One child has special needs and DH and I have paid a small fortune out-of-pocket for therapies.

Meanwhile, his ex bought a home, has a second new leased car in a row, gets her hair and nails done weekly, goes on vacation more than us, has a new outfit and purse every time we see her, has spent thousands pursuing diets and such. She tells us all about this. She also received a substantial sum from selling the marital home back in the day.

This is really where my resentment lies. I drive an 8 year old vehicle. We have 6 people in our home and could use an extra freezer, but I've decided to wait until next year. Meanwhile the ex was bragging about how she bought a second refrigerator for her house so that she can have a fridge just for her soda and sparkling water. She has a live-in boyfriend and they split expenses.

Thanks to all for the perspectives and advice. It's given me a lot to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have almost $1m in retirement. Much of this I put in when I was earning a much higher salary (I used to be a law firm lawyer, now I am in-house and have a job with balance and that I love, but I earn a lot less).

If pursued, the ex would pay about $1200/mo. in child support, not counting her portion of any additional expenses (a portion of health insurance, medical costs, etc.). One child has special needs and DH and I have paid a small fortune out-of-pocket for therapies.

Meanwhile, his ex bought a home, has a second new leased car in a row, gets her hair and nails done weekly, goes on vacation more than us, has a new outfit and purse every time we see her, has spent thousands pursuing diets and such. She tells us all about this. She also received a substantial sum from selling the marital home back in the day.

This is really where my resentment lies. I drive an 8 year old vehicle. We have 6 people in our home and could use an extra freezer, but I've decided to wait until next year. Meanwhile the ex was bragging about how she bought a second refrigerator for her house so that she can have a fridge just for her soda and sparkling water. She has a live-in boyfriend and they split expenses.

Thanks to all for the perspectives and advice. It's given me a lot to think about.

Good job on your retirement savings OP! Regarding the ex: you will have to determine whether you really want to deal with crazy or not. Lots of drama there, but she should pay something to support her own kids.
Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I think you should reflect on the fact that you seem jealous of an ex-wife with a serious mental illness/personality disorder because she has new outfits and goes on vacation. You wouldn't have to pay me to feel nothing but pity for her. You are frugal, congratulations. The ex has nothing to do with you, and a judge could order her to pay $1200 and she could never pay a dime.

[Anonymous]

If you are married, why do you have seperate finances?

If you are married and have seperate finances, why do you care what he does for his retirement? If you think you will have to bankroll him, then you can start by divorcing him.

[Anonymous]

This is why I would never, ever remarry in the event DH died or we divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should reflect on the fact that you seem jealous of an ex-wife with a serious mental illness/personality disorder because she has new outfits and goes on vacation. You wouldn't have to pay me to feel nothing but pity for her. You are frugal, congratulations. The ex has nothing to do with you, and a judge could order her to pay $1200 and she could never pay a dime.

Agree with this. You need to see the bigger picture here, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always love how women feel their money is their money and men are supposed to provide.

If you reversed the genders here, op would be savaged!!!

Huh? My DH works and I am a SAHM. He believes that his money is our money and we do not have seperate finances. If I was still working the money would go in a common pot. Currently I have 500K in my own 401K from the time I was working. DH and I have designated it to be given to both the kids for grad school, their first car, downpayment to their first house and their wedding. I am not freaking out that it will be given to the kids.

There is something fundamentally wrong in the marriage when you have seperate finances. I do not know why OP had to marry the guy?. They both were divorced with their own kids, why not just cohabit together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have almost $1m in retirement. Much of this I put in when I was earning a much higher salary (I used to be a law firm lawyer, now I am in-house and have a job with balance and that I love, but I earn a lot less).

If pursued, the ex would pay about $1200/mo. in child support, not counting her portion of any additional expenses (a portion of health insurance, medical costs, etc.). One child has special needs and DH and I have paid a small fortune out-of-pocket for therapies.

Meanwhile, his ex bought a home, has a second new leased car in a row, gets her hair and nails done weekly, goes on vacation more than us, has a new outfit and purse every time we see her, has spent thousands pursuing diets and such. She tells us all about this. She also received a substantial sum from selling the marital home back in the day.

This is really where my resentment lies. I drive an 8 year old vehicle. We have 6 people in our home and could use an extra freezer, but I've decided to wait until next year. Meanwhile the ex was bragging about how she bought a second refrigerator for her house so that she can have a fridge just for her soda and sparkling water. She has a live-in boyfriend and they split expenses.

Thanks to all for the perspectives and advice. It's given me a lot to think about.

Wow! Your current DH's ex seems to be a lot smarter than you. You should have done the same with your current DH. Lived with him and split the expenses and not married him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should reflect on the fact that you seem jealous of an ex-wife with a serious mental illness/personality disorder because she has new outfits and goes on vacation. You wouldn't have to pay me to feel nothing but pity for her. You are frugal, congratulations. The ex has nothing to do with you, and a judge could order her to pay $1200 and she could never pay a dime.

I don’t think OP sounds jealous at all. She is just trying to deal with things rationally but that is difficult to do with someone who has mental issues. The ex does affect her life. OP is helping take care of her kids or at least dealing with them in her/their household. So she does have to deal with ex even if you think it is minimal. This is her life.