Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I would never, ever remarry in the event DH died or we divorced.

+1..at least to a man with this type of baggage.

[Anonymous]

I'm a financial adviser so I've seen a variety of blended family situations, and there is no one right answer. When it comes to money and family, it is ALWAYS complicated. Even when there isn't divorce and step children, there is always the issue of what is fair vs what feels "right".

Op, what struck me about your original post was that you said you would feel differently if you felt your DH was trying as hard as he could and doing his best, but you don't feel that way. Why? He increased his 401k contributions when you discussed it. He has presented his reasons as to why he doesn't confront his ex, and maybe you don't disagree with them, but I don't think you can classify them as wrong. He cannot go back in time and start saving earlier. It sounds like a lot of "his" money is going toward his children and possibly their education. He isn't blowing money on cars or gambling or something, so is that really so bad?

Traditionally, a marriage meant full combination of finances, including debt, children, and so on. Obviously times have changed and there are a million different situations. But I think you may want to reframe your thinking if you want to be happy with this. If your DH were a stay at home dad or just made a very low salary, would you feel so much resentment at "subsidizing" his retirement? Maybe, but maybe not.

It's funny because I actually see this with my own parents. My mother was actually the breadwinner, which was obviously even more rare in her generation. My dad worked but she just had a much more successful career in a higher paying industry. Sometimes, she will make comments that he is buying things with "her" money, and I will correct her that it is "their" money. If you can't view the money as joint money, then that's something you need to explore, because it's not going to go away. What's going to happen when kids are grown and you're setting your final will in place? How will you divide assets? Maybe this is something you should have considered prior to a marriage, but it's too late for that now. So you either need to make the best of it, or consider what the consequences of your feelings are going to be.

[Anonymous]

Wow you are setting up two classes of kids, why have step children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have almost $1m in retirement. Much of this I put in when I was earning a much higher salary (I used to be a law firm lawyer, now I am in-house and have a job with balance and that I love, but I earn a lot less).

If pursued, the ex would pay about $1200/mo. in child support, not counting her portion of any additional expenses (a portion of health insurance, medical costs, etc.). One child has special needs and DH and I have paid a small fortune out-of-pocket for therapies.

Meanwhile, his ex bought a home, has a second new leased car in a row, gets her hair and nails done weekly, goes on vacation more than us, has a new outfit and purse every time we see her, has spent thousands pursuing diets and such. She tells us all about this. She also received a substantial sum from selling the marital home back in the day.

This is really where my resentment lies. I drive an 8 year old vehicle. We have 6 people in our home and could use an extra freezer, but I've decided to wait until next year. Meanwhile the ex was bragging about how she bought a second refrigerator for her house so that she can have a fridge just for her soda and sparkling water. She has a live-in boyfriend and they split expenses.

Thanks to all for the perspectives and advice. It's given me a lot to think about.

I have a stay at home wife, two million in my 401K, two million in real estate and a few million in stocks/bonds/cash. We are married 22 years and she only worked the first two years of marriage. I am not in the least bit upset as it is OUR money.

Your husband wanted the kids, he did not have to take custody. You did not have to marry a guy with kids who has custody. But you did, like I married a women who worked full time who quit work pretty soon after marriage as wanted to be a SAHM and we had three kids.

You also quite a high paying job for a lesser paying job. And guess what I drive a 9 year old vehicle and rarely go on vacation. I dont have the time for vacation and cars are a waste of money. It is all too late. If your husband pays no allimony or child support he got off dirt cheap taking the kids.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately you got the short end of the stick and I don’t see a way out of it
It’s impossible to live with someone and not share at all.
I don’t know if it is possible for you to get out now...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I would never, ever remarry in the event DH died or we divorced.

+1..at least to a man with this type of baggage.

We are divorcing and I feel the same.
Why not just date? Isn’t one marriage enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have almost $1m in retirement. Much of this I put in when I was earning a much higher salary (I used to be a law firm lawyer, now I am in-house and have a job with balance and that I love, but I earn a lot less).

If pursued, the ex would pay about $1200/mo. in child support, not counting her portion of any additional expenses (a portion of health insurance, medical costs, etc.). One child has special needs and DH and I have paid a small fortune out-of-pocket for therapies.

Meanwhile, his ex bought a home, has a second new leased car in a row, gets her hair and nails done weekly, goes on vacation more than us, has a new outfit and purse every time we see her, has spent thousands pursuing diets and such. She tells us all about this. She also received a substantial sum from selling the marital home back in the day.

This is really where my resentment lies. I drive an 8 year old vehicle. We have 6 people in our home and could use an extra freezer, but I've decided to wait until next year. Meanwhile the ex was bragging about how she bought a second refrigerator for her house so that she can have a fridge just for her soda and sparkling water. She has a live-in boyfriend and they split expenses.

Thanks to all for the perspectives and advice. It's given me a lot to think about.

I have a stay at home wife, two million in my 401K, two million in real estate and a few million in stocks/bonds/cash. We are married 22 years and she only worked the first two years of marriage. I am not in the least bit upset as it is OUR money.

Your husband wanted the kids, he did not have to take custody. You did not have to marry a guy with kids who has custody. But you did, like I married a women who worked full time who quit work pretty soon after marriage as wanted to be a SAHM and we had three kids.

You also quite a high paying job for a lesser paying job. And guess what I drive a 9 year old vehicle and rarely go on vacation. I dont have the time for vacation and cars are a waste of money. It is all too late. If your husband pays no allimony or child support he got off dirt cheap taking the kids.

That is not reality-based. Sounds like he's shouldering everything--almost all care of his kids, plus all their expenses. Since he has the kids almost all the time, no way he's paying "child support" to the ex. And she has a job. No alimony. So no, he didn't get off lucky. He's doing all the work and paying for all of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I would never, ever remarry in the event DH died or we divorced.

+1..at least to a man with this type of baggage.

We are divorcing and I feel the same.
Why not just date? Isn’t one marriage enough?

Look at re-marriage rates after divorce and widowhood. Very high. People think they won't remarry but people do not know themselves very well at all. Most of you who judge and say you wouldn't remarry mean it right now, but (god forbid) you found yourselves in another situation, you probably wouldn't react the way you predict now.

[Anonymous]

Just a thought but it might not be hard for him to replicate the same standard of living you have now in retirement. First, he's making $75K and contributing $19K of that to his 401k so he effectively has $56K of income. At 65 he will be eligible to draw social security so that will replace about $15K of that income so he only needs to replace $41K of income from retirement savings or approximately $1 million in retirement if you use the 4% rule and he will have 1/3 of that from contributions alone.

Remember also that your expenses might be lower in retirement if you move away from this area + kids will be out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should reflect on the fact that you seem jealous of an ex-wife with a serious mental illness/personality disorder because she has new outfits and goes on vacation. You wouldn't have to pay me to feel nothing but pity for her. You are frugal, congratulations. The ex has nothing to do with you, and a judge could order her to pay $1200 and she could never pay a dime.

+1. And considering the ex only makes 50k, she is probably in debt from all of this spending.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM and DH supports me and my parents entirely. He will pay for my entire retirement.

He is your husband. You should want to subsidize his retirement and enjoy life together. You could always pay for housing. He could pay for food on social security. I don’t see what the big deal is.

Men subsidize women all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should reflect on the fact that you seem jealous of an ex-wife with a serious mental illness/personality disorder because she has new outfits and goes on vacation. You wouldn't have to pay me to feel nothing but pity for her. You are frugal, congratulations. The ex has nothing to do with you, and a judge could order her to pay $1200 and she could never pay a dime.

+1. And considering the ex only makes 50k, she is probably in debt from all of this spending.

That was my thought. Even in a lower COL location, $50k doesn’t go all that far. I bet that the ex is having a great time rubbing all of these purchases in OP’s nose, and OP has completely taken the bait, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you earn more, split child costs with ex and have more savings. If you were the man and your husband was the woman, i bet the man would handle most all the home expenses and the new wife would pay for her kids. He has stepped up to take care of his kids, one who is SN. He sounds like an awesome dad.

You married this man. Stop acting like you aren’t married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have almost $1m in retirement. Much of this I put in when I was earning a much higher salary (I used to be a law firm lawyer, now I am in-house and have a job with balance and that I love, but I earn a lot less).

If pursued, the ex would pay about $1200/mo. in child support, not counting her portion of any additional expenses (a portion of health insurance, medical costs, etc.). One child has special needs and DH and I have paid a small fortune out-of-pocket for therapies.

Meanwhile, his ex bought a home, has a second new leased car in a row, gets her hair and nails done weekly, goes on vacation more than us, has a new outfit and purse every time we see her, has spent thousands pursuing diets and such. She tells us all about this. She also received a substantial sum from selling the marital home back in the day.

This is really where my resentment lies. I drive an 8 year old vehicle. We have 6 people in our home and could use an extra freezer, but I've decided to wait until next year. Meanwhile the ex was bragging about how she bought a second refrigerator for her house so that she can have a fridge just for her soda and sparkling water. She has a live-in boyfriend and they split expenses.

Thanks to all for the perspectives and advice. It's given me a lot to think about.

I have a stay at home wife, two million in my 401K, two million in real estate and a few million in stocks/bonds/cash. We are married 22 years and she only worked the first two years of marriage. I am not in the least bit upset as it is OUR money.

Your husband wanted the kids, he did not have to take custody. You did not have to marry a guy with kids who has custody. But you did, like I married a women who worked full time who quit work pretty soon after marriage as wanted to be a SAHM and we had three kids.

You also quite a high paying job for a lesser paying job. And guess what I drive a 9 year old vehicle and rarely go on vacation. I dont have the time for vacation and cars are a waste of money. It is all too late. If your husband pays no allimony or child support he got off dirt cheap taking the kids.

That is not reality-based. Sounds like he's shouldering everything--almost all care of his kids, plus all their expenses. Since he has the kids almost all the time, no way he's paying "child support" to the ex. And she has a job. No alimony. So no, he didn't get off lucky. He's doing all the work and paying for all of it.

He is putting his children first- I think that is admirable. They have a mother with mental illness- they are the ones who have drawn the shortest straw here. The DH is making the best of a bad situation.

It is hard to be the adult and raise children. Add in two divorces, four children, a child with special needs and an ex that has mental illness and it is even more difficult. OP- it might help to concentrate on what you have and not what others have and try to take the long view. You and your DH are doing what it takes to have the best chance of raising independent healthy children. Independent healthy children are far more impactful to your and DH’s retirement. Plus, all the professor’s I know teach long after most retire - so he has more years of income ahead.

[Anonymous]

I highly doubt the ex has mental illness. She is the smartest one in the story. And without baggage of kids and paying for college I am sure she will catch another man soon.