Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I would never, ever remarry in the event DH died or we divorced.

+1..at least to a man with this type of baggage.

We are divorcing and I feel the same.
Why not just date? Isn’t one marriage enough?

Look at re-marriage rates after divorce and widowhood. Very high. People think they won't remarry but people do not know themselves very well at all. Most of you who judge and say you wouldn't remarry mean it right now, but (god forbid) you found yourselves in another situation, you probably wouldn't react the way you predict now.

NP. No, I actually know that I wouldn't.

These super high remarriage rates take into account everyone in the whole country. It is not a representative sample of educated, wealthy women who are past childbearing age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have almost $1m in retirement. Much of this I put in when I was earning a much higher salary (I used to be a law firm lawyer, now I am in-house and have a job with balance and that I love, but I earn a lot less).

If pursued, the ex would pay about $1200/mo. in child support, not counting her portion of any additional expenses (a portion of health insurance, medical costs, etc.). One child has special needs and DH and I have paid a small fortune out-of-pocket for therapies.

Meanwhile, his ex bought a home, has a second new leased car in a row, gets her hair and nails done weekly, goes on vacation more than us, has a new outfit and purse every time we see her, has spent thousands pursuing diets and such. She tells us all about this. She also received a substantial sum from selling the marital home back in the day.

This is really where my resentment lies. I drive an 8 year old vehicle. We have 6 people in our home and could use an extra freezer, but I've decided to wait until next year. Meanwhile the ex was bragging about how she bought a second refrigerator for her house so that she can have a fridge just for her soda and sparkling water. She has a live-in boyfriend and they split expenses.

Thanks to all for the perspectives and advice. It's given me a lot to think about.

I have a stay at home wife, two million in my 401K, two million in real estate and a few million in stocks/bonds/cash. We are married 22 years and she only worked the first two years of marriage. I am not in the least bit upset as it is OUR money.

Your husband wanted the kids, he did not have to take custody. You did not have to marry a guy with kids who has custody. But you did, like I married a women who worked full time who quit work pretty soon after marriage as wanted to be a SAHM and we had three kids.

You also quite a high paying job for a lesser paying job. And guess what I drive a 9 year old vehicle and rarely go on vacation. I dont have the time for vacation and cars are a waste of money. It is all too late. If your husband pays no allimony or child support he got off dirt cheap taking the kids.

That is not reality-based. Sounds like he's shouldering everything--almost all care of his kids, plus all their expenses. Since he has the kids almost all the time, no way he's paying "child support" to the ex. And she has a job. No alimony. So no, he didn't get off lucky. He's doing all the work and paying for all of it.

He is putting his children first- I think that is admirable. They have a mother with mental illness- they are the ones who have drawn the shortest straw here. The DH is making the best of a bad situation.

It is hard to be the adult and raise children. Add in two divorces, four children, a child with special needs and an ex that has mental illness and it is even more difficult. OP- it might help to concentrate on what you have and not what others have and try to take the long view. You and your DH are doing what it takes to have the best chance of raising independent healthy children. Independent healthy children are far more impactful to your and DH’s retirement. Plus, all the professor’s I know teach long after most retire - so he has more years of income ahead.

Many many men out there do not help out financially or with everyday care. FIL was like this. MIL did a fine job raising DH and BIL.

OP should never have remarried. If she can’t help support her husband in retirement, what is the point?

OP, it may seem far from now but one day you or your DH may get sick. One million may sounds like a ton but it really isn’t if you get terminally ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have almost $1m in retirement. Much of this I put in when I was earning a much higher salary (I used to be a law firm lawyer, now I am in-house and have a job with balance and that I love, but I earn a lot less).

If pursued, the ex would pay about $1200/mo. in child support, not counting her portion of any additional expenses (a portion of health insurance, medical costs, etc.). One child has special needs and DH and I have paid a small fortune out-of-pocket for therapies.

Meanwhile, his ex bought a home, has a second new leased car in a row, gets her hair and nails done weekly, goes on vacation more than us, has a new outfit and purse every time we see her, has spent thousands pursuing diets and such. She tells us all about this. She also received a substantial sum from selling the marital home back in the day.

This is really where my resentment lies. I drive an 8 year old vehicle. We have 6 people in our home and could use an extra freezer, but I've decided to wait until next year. Meanwhile the ex was bragging about how she bought a second refrigerator for her house so that she can have a fridge just for her soda and sparkling water. She has a live-in boyfriend and they split expenses.

Thanks to all for the perspectives and advice. It's given me a lot to think about.

I have a stay at home wife, two million in my 401K, two million in real estate and a few million in stocks/bonds/cash. We are married 22 years and she only worked the first two years of marriage. I am not in the least bit upset as it is OUR money.

Your husband wanted the kids, he did not have to take custody. You did not have to marry a guy with kids who has custody. But you did, like I married a women who worked full time who quit work pretty soon after marriage as wanted to be a SAHM and we had three kids.

You also quite a high paying job for a lesser paying job. And guess what I drive a 9 year old vehicle and rarely go on vacation. I dont have the time for vacation and cars are a waste of money. It is all too late. If your husband pays no allimony or child support he got off dirt cheap taking the kids.

That is not reality-based. Sounds like he's shouldering everything--almost all care of his kids, plus all their expenses. Since he has the kids almost all the time, no way he's paying "child support" to the ex. And she has a job. No alimony. So no, he didn't get off lucky. He's doing all the work and paying for all of it.

He is putting his children first- I think that is admirable. They have a mother with mental illness- they are the ones who have drawn the shortest straw here. The DH is making the best of a bad situation.

It is hard to be the adult and raise children. Add in two divorces, four children, a child with special needs and an ex that has mental illness and it is even more difficult. OP- it might help to concentrate on what you have and not what others have and try to take the long view. You and your DH are doing what it takes to have the best chance of raising independent healthy children. Independent healthy children are far more impactful to your and DH’s retirement. Plus, all the professor’s I know teach long after most retire - so he has more years of income ahead.

Many many men out there do not help out financially or with everyday care. FIL was like this. MIL did a fine job raising DH and BIL.

OP should never have remarried. If she can’t help support her husband in retirement, what is the point?

OP, it may seem far from now but one day you or your DH may get sick. One million may sounds like a ton but it really isn’t if you get terminally ill.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I would never, ever remarry in the event DH died or we divorced.

+1..at least to a man with this type of baggage.

We are divorcing and I feel the same.
Why not just date? Isn’t one marriage enough?

Look at re-marriage rates after divorce and widowhood. Very high. People think they won't remarry but people do not know themselves very well at all. Most of you who judge and say you wouldn't remarry mean it right now, but (god forbid) you found yourselves in another situation, you probably wouldn't react the way you predict now.

NP. No, I actually know that I wouldn't.

These super high remarriage rates take into account everyone in the whole country. It is not a representative sample of educated, wealthy women who are past childbearing age.

Agree. This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I would never, ever remarry in the event DH died or we divorced.

+1..at least to a man with this type of baggage.

We are divorcing and I feel the same.
Why not just date? Isn’t one marriage enough?

Look at re-marriage rates after divorce and widowhood. Very high. People think they won't remarry but people do not know themselves very well at all. Most of you who judge and say you wouldn't remarry mean it right now, but (god forbid) you found yourselves in another situation, you probably wouldn't react the way you predict now.

NP. No, I actually know that I wouldn't.

These super high remarriage rates take into account everyone in the whole country. It is not a representative sample of educated, wealthy women who are past childbearing age.

+1

I know myself very well. I know for sure I would never remarry.

[Anonymous]

OP's problem isn't that she remarried, it's that she's far too invested in the life of someone else - the ex wife. WTF - why are you even conversing with her? And if anything, you should feel sorry for her for her reliance on material things when she doesn't have what counts, which is a family around her. That's really sad.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven’t read all responses, but it seems like you’re more upset about DH not getting money from his ex than you having to “subsidize” him. If he were getting some money her, I think you’d be fine with the unevenness of incomes, but you feel like he’s letting her off the hook money-wise and you are left to pick up the slack.

I can understand how that would make you resentful. This woman is essentially taking money away from your household by not contributing her share toward her children.

I don’t know their backstory though. I think you need to accept your DH’s circumstances as is because you knew them going into marriage. Household finances are a zero sum game so you need to accept that money to pay for your lifestyle in retirement will have to come from somewhere (likely more from you) or you will have to adjust your lifestyle downward to account for the disparity in savings. I think I know which I’d choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I highly doubt the ex has mental illness. She is the smartest one in the story. And without baggage of kids and paying for college I am sure she will catch another man soon.

OP said she sees a mother who sees her kids for 1 or 2 days in a week and isn't contributing to their needs. What kind of healthy woman has 2 kids and does that? Unnatural (mentally ill).

[Anonymous]

OP I don’t have much financial advice but I hope you can think more about what you have gained from your marriage and what you stand to lose if you allow resentment against your dh’s ex and your dh to poison your marriage
It sounds like you like your step children so maybe focus on that and be grateful that you and your husband are able to provide a loving and stable home to your children and your stepchildren Either the 8 of you are a family or you are not
I agree with most of the posters who have pointed out that you and your husband should share your retirement funds when the time comes. The issue of college is different. I can’t remember if you mentioned the age of your stepchildren but you and dh should talk to his ex about what if anything she is willing to do for her children. Based on what she says your dh should talk to his children about how much help they can expect from the adults in their life. If you are not willing to contribute towards their tuition etc would you be willing to allow them to continue living at home while they attend your husband’s college or a community college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I highly doubt the ex has mental illness. She is the smartest one in the story. And without baggage of kids and paying for college I am sure she will catch another man soon.

Op stated upthread the ex has borderline personality disorder. Assuming that’s true, that means she’s very difficult to deal with, and was probably mentally abusive to the dh and the kids during the marriage. Relationships with people with BPD are not pretty, and the dh is lucky to be out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have almost $1m in retirement. Much of this I put in when I was earning a much higher salary (I used to be a law firm lawyer, now I am in-house and have a job with balance and that I love, but I earn a lot less).

If pursued, the ex would pay about $1200/mo. in child support, not counting her portion of any additional expenses (a portion of health insurance, medical costs, etc.). One child has special needs and DH and I have paid a small fortune out-of-pocket for therapies.

Meanwhile, his ex bought a home, has a second new leased car in a row, gets her hair and nails done weekly, goes on vacation more than us, has a new outfit and purse every time we see her, has spent thousands pursuing diets and such. She tells us all about this. She also received a substantial sum from selling the marital home back in the day.

This is really where my resentment lies. I drive an 8 year old vehicle. We have 6 people in our home and could use an extra freezer, but I've decided to wait until next year. Meanwhile the ex was bragging about how she bought a second refrigerator for her house so that she can have a fridge just for her soda and sparkling water. She has a live-in boyfriend and they split expenses.

Thanks to all for the perspectives and advice. It's given me a lot to think about.

Bipolar borderline people lie all the time!!! You have no idea what her credit card balances are or if she is selling drugs or prostituting herself on the side. Really-- the woman has serious psych issues.

[Anonymous]

OP, here's an idea: Is your husband able to pick up a side gig? If you live in an expensive area, perhaps he can tutor kids for AP exams or SATs and make some good money. An even better option if he is handy and it makes financial sense where you live, is to fix up old apartments and rent them out. I'm thinking as a professor, he has a bit more time and could run a rental. If it comes out even with a 15year mortgage, consider yourself in good shape. In 15 years, when he is ready to retire, the rent will be an addition to his retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's an idea: Is your husband able to pick up a side gig? If you live in an expensive area, perhaps he can tutor kids for AP exams or SATs and make some good money. An even better option if he is handy and it makes financial sense where you live, is to fix up old apartments and rent them out. I'm thinking as a professor, he has a bit more time and could run a rental. If it comes out even with a 15year mortgage, consider yourself in good shape. In 15 years, when he is ready to retire, the rent will be an addition to his retirement.

Why should he do this? So he can fund a "generous" retirement to OP's liking? He is saving for retirement, and his children will have the option to go to top colleges. I admire this guy's wisdom and strength of character given what he is doing for his children. I don't understand why OP married quite frankly, she can't seem to find a modicum of generosity for her life partner and children who live with her and she has known since toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's an idea: Is your husband able to pick up a side gig? If you live in an expensive area, perhaps he can tutor kids for AP exams or SATs and make some good money. An even better option if he is handy and it makes financial sense where you live, is to fix up old apartments and rent them out. I'm thinking as a professor, he has a bit more time and could run a rental. If it comes out even with a 15year mortgage, consider yourself in good shape. In 15 years, when he is ready to retire, the rent will be an addition to his retirement.

Why should he do this? So he can fund a "generous" retirement to OP's liking? He is saving for retirement, and his children will have the option to go to top colleges. I admire this guy's wisdom and strength of character given what he is doing for his children. I don't understand why OP married quite frankly, she can't seem to find a modicum of generosity for her life partner and children who live with her and she has known since toddlers.

I understand your viewpoint. I'm a divorced, middle-aged woman who honestly thinks this guy sounds like a good guy and a good husband.

My suggestion is based on the idea that he may have enough free time to build up his own retirement savings. He may need to because this marriage may not last with all the resentment.

[Anonymous]

Do you plan to retire at different locations with different COL? If yes, what do you care? Do you not want to pay for him? Divorce now.