Why get married if you cannot do without sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people get married with the false expectation that marriage gives them some legal entitlement to sex at a certain frequency.

Agree. Or if not a legal entitlement, a moral one.
It seems to be a cultural norm that a man's ongoing desire for sex is more important than a woman's equally normal waning interest in sex, after menopause (or for some, after childbirth). I'm not sure why that's fair.

Implicit in monogamy is the idea that one’s spouse will engage in a reasonable amount of sex. No one views marriage as a potential vow of celibacy at someone else’s discretion.

The key word here is reasonable which is somewhat subjective.

But if you read on here and advice columns, movies, etc. will give you the idea that most men consider anything less than once a week to be totally unacceptable and tantamount to abuse.

I would say 3-4 times a month is reasonable.

You would be completely wrong about that. If you can't even commit 20 minutes with your spouse twice per week, you should not be married (or at least not demand fidelity). Most dog owners spend more time picking up poop than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me ask the men this.
Do you treat your wife now the same or better than you did when she was your girlfriend?

My DH and I used to travel all of the time. He bought me jewelry, we went out to fancy restaurants.

Now 3 kids later, we still go out but maybe 1x per month. Not 4-5 times per week like before.
He doesn't spend hours looking at necklaces or researching resorts in Europe like he used to.
Our relationship is still great.
I don't bitch and moan about not going to Fuji this winter because things change over time. That money is used for school, lessons, college etc. And I am fine with that becuase we are not just a "WE" we are a family now.
Sometimes that means less travel, less eating out, less sex.

I wish more men would be like my DH and not feel entitled to their wife's body whenever and wherever. Because i would bet good money YOU are not the same man she married and was wooed by.

If my wife came to me and said that she really needs us to go out 4-5 times per week, that this is VERY important to her, that she feels unloved going out only 1x per month, you sure as heck better believe we would find a way to prioritize going out 4-5 times per week. I wish more woman would stop using words like "entitled to my body" in reference to the man who pledged monogamy to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people get married with the false expectation that marriage gives them some legal entitlement to sex at a certain frequency.

Agree. Or if not a legal entitlement, a moral one.
It seems to be a cultural norm that a man's ongoing desire for sex is more important than a woman's equally normal waning interest in sex, after menopause (or for some, after childbirth). I'm not sure why that's fair.

Implicit in monogamy is the idea that one’s spouse will engage in a reasonable amount of sex. No one views marriage as a potential vow of celibacy at someone else’s discretion.

The key word here is reasonable which is somewhat subjective.

But if you read on here and advice columns, movies, etc. will give you the idea that most men consider anything less than once a week to be totally unacceptable and tantamount to abuse.

I would say 3-4 times a month is reasonable.

You would be completely wrong about that. If you can't even commit 20 minutes with your spouse twice per week, you should not be married (or at least not demand fidelity). Most dog owners spend more time picking up poop than that.

DP, but it’s not just that, and you know it. There are SO many posts on this forum from people whose spouses would agree to that, but then the posters whine that it’s not exciting. The spouses aren’t “engaged” or “creative” enough. And 20 minutes? That’s not nearly long enough, to hear them tell it.

I’m with PP.

[Anonymous]

Been married for 30 yrs and we’ve had sex 2-5 times a week the entire time. I don’t get this no sex marriage thing. I guess talk about it before you get married to make sure he other person knows it’s important?!?!

Also if sex diminishes before marriage that’s a bad sign. We dated for ten yrs so we knew the pattern. DH has slightly higher drive than I do so he usually initiates but I’m usually game.

[Anonymous]

Our whole society is having less sex, across the board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: DCUM society is having less sex, across the board.

[Anonymous]

I loved sex pre marriage and fully expected to keep loving it. But life happened and I lost my libido. I didn’t “trick” my husband by pretending to love sex and planning to do it less once married. I wish I had a stronger libido but I’m always tired. And I’ve lost some attraction to him as well. 30 years is a long time with the same person. Admit it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I loved sex pre marriage and fully expected to keep loving it. But life happened and I lost my libido. I didn’t “trick” my husband by pretending to love sex and planning to do it less once married. I wish I had a stronger libido but I’m always tired. And I’ve lost some attraction to him as well. 30 years is a long time with the same person. Admit it.

Neither did he “trick” you by pretending to be monogamous ... but then losing interest in that entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I loved sex pre marriage and fully expected to keep loving it. But life happened and I lost my libido. I didn’t “trick” my husband by pretending to love sex and planning to do it less once married. I wish I had a stronger libido but I’m always tired. And I’ve lost some attraction to him as well. 30 years is a long time with the same person. Admit it.

We’ve been married over 30 years and I enjoy sex just as much now as I did before we were married but I admit that the frequency is down to 1-2 times a week. I am definitely more fun in bed now than I was back then. Just two nights ago we did a couple of things at the same time for the first time that had both of us in a frenzy. Yes, 30 years is a very long time with the same person so it really helps to spice things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved sex pre marriage and fully expected to keep loving it. But life happened and I lost my libido. I didn’t “trick” my husband by pretending to love sex and planning to do it less once married. I wish I had a stronger libido but I’m always tired. And I’ve lost some attraction to him as well. 30 years is a long time with the same person. Admit it.

We’ve been married over 30 years and I enjoy sex just as much now as I did before we were married but I admit that the frequency is down to 1-2 times a week. I am definitely more fun in bed now than I was back then. Just two nights ago we did a couple of things at the same time for the first time that had both of us in a frenzy. Yes, 30 years is a very long time with the same person so it really helps to spice things up.

Now I’m depressed as we’ve only been married 12 years and I can’t recall the last time we had a sexual frenzy. Maybe it was the first time we had sex! Our sex life is fine but we do need to spice it up. Congratulations on 30+ years with the same man and not getting tired of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people get married with the false expectation that marriage gives them some legal entitlement to sex at a certain frequency.

Agree. Or if not a legal entitlement, a moral one.
It seems to be a cultural norm that a man's ongoing desire for sex is more important than a woman's equally normal waning interest in sex, after menopause (or for some, after childbirth). I'm not sure why that's fair.

Implicit in monogamy is the idea that one’s spouse will engage in a reasonable amount of sex. No one views marriage as a potential vow of celibacy at someone else’s discretion.

The key word here is reasonable which is somewhat subjective.

But if you read on here and advice columns, movies, etc. will give you the idea that most men consider anything less than once a week to be totally unacceptable and tantamount to abuse.

I would say 3-4 times a month is reasonable.

It is admittedly subjective. But I don’t think anyone is suggesting that weekly sex is tantamount to abuse. I think even open marriage guy would agree that one-per-week is not cause to “declare open marriage.” There is a range of reasonableness and some gray areas and close calls. But I think it is important to recognize that there is a massive difference between promising monogamy and promising celibacy. One is routine, the other extraordinary. And at least as for me, I’m a husband not a priest.

[Anonymous]

Please give up on the selflessly and unconditionally BS. If the spouse denying sex loved selflessly and unconditionally, there would be no need for this discussion and a million of similar ones.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I loved sex pre marriage and fully expected to keep loving it. But life happened and I lost my libido. I didn’t “trick” my husband by pretending to love sex and planning to do it less once married. I wish I had a stronger libido but I’m always tired. And I’ve lost some attraction to him as well. 30 years is a long time with the same person. Admit it.

Neither did he “trick” you by pretending to be monogamous ... but then losing interest in that entirely.

Um ... Nobody accused him of that. But there is always a lot of blame flung at women who "tricked" their spouse into marrying them and then losing interest. Accusations that all the women like is their husband's $$ (regardless of who actually earns the $)

[Anonymous]

What put you in a frenzy? I need to know!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I loved sex pre marriage and fully expected to keep loving it. But life happened and I lost my libido. I didn’t “trick” my husband by pretending to love sex and planning to do it less once married. I wish I had a stronger libido but I’m always tired. And I’ve lost some attraction to him as well. 30 years is a long time with the same person. Admit it.

So you don’t have much of a libido/drive, but how difficult is it to take what is really a small amount of time to provide your DH with pleasure, whether that is a HJ, BJ, PIV, or even mutual masturbation? Do you have a DESIRE to do everything you do as part of a relationship? I’m sure your DH is not horny to do many of the things he does for you, but he sacrifices because it’s important to you or just part of a marital relationship.