Why get married if you cannot do without sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people get married with the false expectation that marriage gives them some legal entitlement to sex at a certain frequency.

Agree. Or if not a legal entitlement, a moral one.
It seems to be a cultural norm that a man's ongoing desire for sex is more important than a woman's equally normal waning interest in sex, after menopause (or for some, after childbirth). I'm not sure why that's fair.

Implicit in monogamy is the idea that one’s spouse will engage in a reasonable amount of sex. No one views marriage as a potential vow of celibacy at someone else’s discretion.

At someone else's discretion? Do you think there are a lot of people out there who choose to lose interest in sex without a legitimate reason? W

Implicit in marriage is the concept of for better or for worse. Where is the empathy for these people?

Anybody with a "legitimate reason for no sex" should divorce. If your partner is so horrible as to not want sex, clearly you must leave them.

Your statement "for better of for worse" applies equally to the rejected partner who seeks sex elsewhere.... no big deal right? Sex isn't important right? Otherwise you'd be having it right? So they are sleeping around: deal with it. For better or for worse.

Touche. But cheating(sneaking, lying, gaslighting) destroys trust. And when there is no trust,..how do you even build anything else together?

Like I mentioned, why not have an honest and non-entitled conversation about the need for sex and the decision to seek it elsewhere if other souse is not open to sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From the friends I know who have sexless marriages, they did not have a good sex life to begin with, even at the very beginning of their relationship. Has anyone else found this?

We had a great sex life until the kids came, then my wife lost libido and it never came back.

Regarding OP's question, marriage is not a good institution for hot sex. I agree, if that's your goal, stay single. No one goes into marriage thinking the sex will remain scorching, the whole point of a bachelor party is it signifies your last night of fun and freedom. Not that marriage is quite that desolate but people have affairs and divorce for a reason.

so, it's not about being married, but more about having kids, which does a number on a woman's body and libido.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is a great institution to raise kids and for stability. It's not like if the sex dries up you are stuck. Cheating and divorcing are options and used often

OP here. Exactly my point. You get married because it is a great institution to raise kids and for stability. Other things are just perks. If sex is more important that the institution, then you should not be getting married.

And I would say I respect spouses who announce point blank that since there is no interest in sex in the marriage, they will look for it elsewhere.

Now the onus is on the withholding spouse to say that having sex elsewhere would destroy the marriage. Now you have them cornered. "If sex is that important in the marriage, why aren't we having any?"

What kind of spouse wants to “corner” their spouse? That sounds sick. And it does not sound like someone who can love selflessly and unconditionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is a great institution to raise kids and for stability. It's not like if the sex dries up you are stuck. Cheating and divorcing are options and used often

OP here. Exactly my point. You get married because it is a great institution to raise kids and for stability. Other things are just perks. If sex is more important that the institution, then you should not be getting married.

And I would say I respect spouses who announce point blank that since there is no interest in sex in the marriage, they will look for it elsewhere.

Now the onus is on the withholding spouse to say that having sex elsewhere would destroy the marriage. Now you have them cornered. "If sex is that important in the marriage, why aren't we having any?"

What kind of spouse wants to “corner” their spouse? That sounds sick. And it does not sound like someone who can love selflessly and unconditionally.

It's better than cheating on them...I think?

[Anonymous]

Sex is an important part of marriage, and if you are a spouse who cannot or will not meet the sexual needs of your partner, it is not fair to demand sexual monogamy. Three choices in this scenario:

1. Divorce: Destroy the family so the withholder gets to keep sex to his/herself and the one with sexual needs gets what they want.

2. Open marriage

3. Cheat, i.e. do what you need to to stay married and stay sane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is a great institution to raise kids and for stability. It's not like if the sex dries up you are stuck. Cheating and divorcing are options and used often

OP here. Exactly my point. You get married because it is a great institution to raise kids and for stability. Other things are just perks. If sex is more important that the institution, then you should not be getting married.

And I would say I respect spouses who announce point blank that since there is no interest in sex in the marriage, they will look for it elsewhere.

Now the onus is on the withholding spouse to say that having sex elsewhere would destroy the marriage. Now you have them cornered. "If sex is that important in the marriage, why aren't we having any?"

What kind of spouse wants to “corner” their spouse? That sounds sick. And it does not sound like someone who can love selflessly and unconditionally.

Please give up on the selflessly and unconditionally BS. If the spouse denying sex loved selflessly and unconditionally, there would be no need for this discussion and a million of similar ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex is an important part of marriage, and if you are a spouse who cannot or will not meet the sexual needs of your partner, it is not fair to demand sexual monogamy. Three choices in this scenario:

1. Divorce: Destroy the family so the withholder gets to keep sex to his/herself and the one with sexual needs gets what they want.

2. Open marriage

3. Cheat, i.e. do what you need to to stay married and stay sane.

Emotional connection is an important part of marriage and if you are the spouse who cannot or will not meet the emotional needs of your partner. So are we cool with divorce or emotional affairs too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people get married with the false expectation that marriage gives them some legal entitlement to sex at a certain frequency.

Agree. Or if not a legal entitlement, a moral one.
It seems to be a cultural norm that a man's ongoing desire for sex is more important than a woman's equally normal waning interest in sex, after menopause (or for some, after childbirth). I'm not sure why that's fair.

Implicit in monogamy is the idea that one’s spouse will engage in a reasonable amount of sex. No one views marriage as a potential vow of celibacy at someone else’s discretion.

At someone else's discretion? Do you think there are a lot of people out there who choose to lose interest in sex without a legitimate reason? W

Implicit in marriage is the concept of for better or for worse. Where is the empathy for these people?

Anybody with a "legitimate reason for no sex" should divorce. If your partner is so horrible as to not want sex, clearly you must leave them.

Your statement "for better of for worse" applies equally to the rejected partner who seeks sex elsewhere.... no big deal right? Sex isn't important right? Otherwise you'd be having it right? So they are sleeping around: deal with it. For better or for worse.

Why should the person with the legitimate reason divorce if they are otherwise happy in the marriage?

Why should the person who just wants to bang the hot neighbor divorce if they are otherwise happy in the marriage?

[Anonymous]

You can just stop with "Why get married?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is an important part of marriage, and if you are a spouse who cannot or will not meet the sexual needs of your partner, it is not fair to demand sexual monogamy. Three choices in this scenario:

1. Divorce: Destroy the family so the withholder gets to keep sex to his/herself and the one with sexual needs gets what they want.

2. Open marriage

3. Cheat, i.e. do what you need to to stay married and stay sane.

Emotional connection is an important part of marriage and if you are the spouse who cannot or will not meet the emotional needs of your partner. So are we cool with divorce or emotional affairs too?

Absolutely. If a spouse refuses to meet any normal legitimate need, they lose the right to veto going elsewhere to meet this news.

[Anonymous]

Mod - please move this topic to the whiners forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the sex itself. But ceasing sex in a marriage is a sign of a problem in the marriage. If some day, dh just stopped wanting sex or stopped showing affection, I wouldn't think "oh he's getting older and his libido is going down". Id think "shit. He's unhappy and there is a problem going on and that's why he's not interested". I assume he would think the same as me.

Does your libido decrease with age? Sure. But a sexless marriage is about so much more than lack of sex.

You sound insecure, low self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Probably for the same reason I got married think my DH would always be fun, loving, and do his fair share. Now he’s too tired and stressed for any of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably for the same reason I got married think my DH would always be fun, loving, and do his fair share. Now he’s too tired and stressed for any of that.

And who wants to have sex with that?

If he's unwilling to change it's a big problem. Most of the people complaining about the low sex are probably the cause of it imo. If counseling won't help or the person won't make changes it's probably better to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can just stop with "Why get married?"

Nah. I am happily married. I will be happier if I had sex every other day (I will take a guaranteed once a week as well).

Now perhaps if lack of frequent sex was combined with other issues such as sick kids, difficult kids, an extremely stressful job etc, things would be different. Who knows