ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am on the other side of this. I do not have a terminal illness diagnosed right now, but my muscle weaknesses and becoming more frail by the day is leading my doctors and me to that conclusion. I DO NOT want to burden my fantastic wife with this. She has been by me through little thick and very thin, we have been together through my divorce and our growing our family for almost 30 years now, about every minute of the day. I do not want her to feel that she has to care for me, but I also know I only have one other option. She is not the type to leave, she will do everything for me if I want. How do I let her know its OK to NOT be that person, that I want her to be happy and continue to do what I no longer can (go to movies, dance, all the fun stuff we did together?) I do not want to commit suicide, because I do not want to abandon her, but what is there to do?

You sound dramatic. You had an affair with her. You are not a very good person for cheating on your first wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in, the vows of "in sickness and in health".
Ultimately it's your life and how you choose to deal with a dying spouse. But lets not fool ourself by calling it a gray area. Instead it's being a weasel.

My vows did not say change your diaper.

Nor does my H want me to do that. It actually is something a trained professional should do.

If I hurt myself trying to move him from chair to bed my grandchildren will lose 2 grandparents.

You are the selfish one that you can’t let you spouse live with dignity while you are sick.

Yes, they did say in sickness so yes, changing diapers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in, the vows of "in sickness and in health".
Ultimately it's your life and how you choose to deal with a dying spouse. But lets not fool ourself by calling it a gray area. Instead it's being a weasel.

My vows did not say change your diaper.

Nor does my H want me to do that. It actually is something a trained professional should do.

If I hurt myself trying to move him from chair to bed my grandchildren will lose 2 grandparents.

You are the selfish one that you can’t let you spouse live with dignity while you are sick.

Yes, they did say in sickness so yes, changing diapers.

No. They didn’t.

They didn’t say cook food or do laundry or leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Stop guilting your spouse it’s evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous



Geez. I’m the single childless poster who posted about in sickness and in health. I’m a 43 year old female and my boyfriend (and most of the guys who tend to ask me out) and mid to late forties. Should I just not get married? This thread is making me think maybe so! I have a pretty good net worth (around five million) and this thread is making me think my husband would just ditch me if I got sick and suck up all my resources if he gets sick.

First of all, you should have a very good long term care policy. Then if you get married, you can make sure that your spouse has one as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez. I’m the single childless poster who posted about in sickness and in health. I’m a 43 year old female and my boyfriend (and most of the guys who tend to ask me out) and mid to late forties. Should I just not get married? This thread is making me think maybe so! I have a pretty good net worth (around five million) and this thread is making me think my husband would just ditch me if I got sick and suck up all my resources if he gets sick.

You have 5 million $ but are too stupid to get long term care, a trust to protect your finances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Theres no true love then. This person whose terminally would feel deeply upset and feel like she haas no support. It’s just so messed up for someone do dismiss the one they married and carry on with their lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Theres no true love then. This person whose terminally would feel deeply upset and feel like she haas no support. It’s just so messed up for someone do dismiss the one they married and carry on with their lives

That is total BS

They have support from their spouse and a caregiver.

Nobody is abandoning their spouse.

But the sick spouse needs to allow the healthy spouse to get help and have a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, all of that. And a spouses illness, even with good insurance, can leave you bankrupt. People will often just ship the spouse off to hospice care and let them deal with it while "visiting" occasionally. Not everyone will just take leave of their jobs for some indefinite period and care for their spouse at home nearly 24/7 as I did. And yes, I had help come in now and then or I'd have never got through it. I have no medical training but at that point you are their doctor, even giving shots. And all the rest. I don't wish it on any of you, even the most judgmental of you. It was not my idea to see someone else for a few hours, now and then. I never even hinted at such a thing.

You should not get married if you don't intend to be a caregiver. You are selfish. Only one hospice in the area has a live-in situation. Otherwise they come to you and its only a few hours of week care. You have no idea what you are talking about. You are selfish.

My spouse gives me shots. What's the big deal? They are too painful for me to do myself. Its life.

I know exactly what I'm talking about. I lived it and I know all about hospice in "the area." You don't have no idea where I live. Not get married unless I intended to be a caregiver? I was a caregiver right until the very end, even quitting my job to take care of my spouse 24/7 while going deeply into debt so WTF are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am on the other side of this. I do not have a terminal illness diagnosed right now, but my muscle weaknesses and becoming more frail by the day is leading my doctors and me to that conclusion. I DO NOT want to burden my fantastic wife with this. She has been by me through little thick and very thin, we have been together through my divorce and our growing our family for almost 30 years now, about every minute of the day. I do not want her to feel that she has to care for me, but I also know I only have one other option. She is not the type to leave, she will do everything for me if I want. How do I let her know its OK to NOT be that person, that I want her to be happy and continue to do what I no longer can (go to movies, dance, all the fun stuff we did together?) I do not want to commit suicide, because I do not want to abandon her, but what is there to do?

You sound dramatic. You had an affair with her. You are not a very good person for cheating on your first wife.

Is that all you got from PP's heartfelt post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Theres no true love then. This person whose terminally would feel deeply upset and feel like she haas no support. It’s just so messed up for someone do dismiss the one they married and carry on with their lives

That is total BS

They have support from their spouse and a caregiver.

Nobody is abandoning their spouse.

But the sick spouse needs to allow the healthy spouse to get help and have a life.

These people just don't get it. Nobody abandons their spouse. But the caregiver has a right to comfort too. If he/she finds comfort with a compassionate friend/lover, then they should get it.
It would also be very selfish of the ill spouse not to let them have some love and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: If you got married but then your spouse got ill with an incurable disease....is it understandable to leave that spouse in any capacity?

I do not want to judge because I have never had to deal with this myself but something that happened to a family member.

Basically you are in a lifetime sentence of caretaking and never being able to fully live out YOUR own life or the LIFE you imagine with a healthy spouse.


Any thoughts?

Theres no true love then. This person whose terminally would feel deeply upset and feel like she haas no support. It’s just so messed up for someone do dismiss the one they married and carry on with their lives

That is total BS

They have support from their spouse and a caregiver.

Nobody is abandoning their spouse.

But the sick spouse needs to allow the healthy spouse to get help and have a life.

These people just don't get it. Nobody abandons their spouse. But the caregiver has a right to comfort too. If he/she finds comfort with a compassionate friend/lover, then they should get it.
It would also be very selfish of the ill spouse not to let them have some love and support.

Someone gets it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My mother developed multiple sclerosis at 26, a few years after she started seeing my father. He has been taking good care of her for the past 44 years.

Here's the thing with debilitating chronic disease: it does something to the patient. They need to psychologically protect themselves from the fact that they are a burden to their caretakers. So they can become self-centered, demanding, and unwilling to sympathize with their caretakers' troubles. This is an unconscious and natural development, but it can be tough to manage.

+1

Living this right now. Our marriage has never been great, but now it is downright unbearable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My mother developed multiple sclerosis at 26, a few years after she started seeing my father. He has been taking good care of her for the past 44 years.

Here's the thing with debilitating chronic disease: it does something to the patient. They need to psychologically protect themselves from the fact that they are a burden to their caretakers. So they can become self-centered, demanding, and unwilling to sympathize with their caretakers' troubles. This is an unconscious and natural development, but it can be tough to manage.

I have a chronic illness and your last paragraph is BS.

I am married to someone with MS, and the last paragraph above is accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, but some people suck and can’t handle it.

And some people don’t suck and cannot handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in, the vows of "in sickness and in health".
Ultimately it's your life and how you choose to deal with a dying spouse. But lets not fool ourself by calling it a gray area. Instead it's being a weasel.

May it never happen to you. I hope you find the strength of your convictions if it does.

Ill spouse = Giving up all your dreams. $$$ problems. Probably no sex, no sleep, little affection. If you had a promising career, say goodbye to it. Your kids will basically be reared by a single parent (hello, that's you). You will end up making all hard decisions by yourself. You will have nobody to rely on but yourself. Spouse, if illness is the long and incurable chronic kind, will end up resentful, jealous and self-centered.
I do not fault the previous poster for having found solace with someone else and I even think his wife probably understood.

Yet many wives in the same position do not do this.

I am the wife in this position, and I am considering doing this. There have been underlying issues in the marriage for many years, and the circumstances of the chronic illness or exacerbating issues that were already there.