IL’s kid is a nightmare and I don’t want him back at our house.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why these people were visiting at all. It sounds like OP barely knows them and doesn’t like them. So why were they there in the first place? Has OP never met this child before? Has the child never been to her house? Could the child not have been left at home for the visit? Did DH really want his sister to come and it wasn’t easy for her to make it happen? Did SIL beg to come? Did SIL arrange to come out of a sense of duty but not really want to be there? Do OP and SIL hate each other? It just seems like there’s a lot of not really understanding or caring about each other in this visit, and if so, why’d it happen at all, especially if OP is not yet recovered physically from childbirth? There’s some kind of miscommunication/non-communication going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I 100% get it’s annoying and with a newborn your protection instincts are in sicko mode so this all seemed way worse than it was. A 4 year old boy is a rowdy creature as you’ll discover when your newborn is this age. He was bored in a not kid friendly apartment and has no idea sticking his hands in a baby’s face isn’t okay. Yes your SIL should’ve corralled him better but he doesn’t sound THAT bad or abnormal.

The boy sounds pretty normal. His parents sound like permissive jerks. That’s reason enough not to have them over for a long time. Eventually the boy will e old enough to have a better sense of what’s appropriate behavior, even if his parents refuse to show him.

A lot of people can’t separate their feelings about the parents from the kids so they just say crap about the kid like “Terror” and “monster” like OP did. It’s clear she doesn’t like the SIL so she’s transferring that onto a 4 year old who is literally four and not responsible for this.

Op, again, totally get your frustration. I was a high maintenance FTM once myself who thought anyone who breathed near my precious newborn was inflicting massive harm upon me. But consider this: you will one day have a 4 year old. They will try and test you; 2-4 is a fun but EXHAUSTING age. You will appreciate a little grace extended your way those days you try and try but someone catches you in a less than flattering 5 minutes when you don’t look like a great mom. Every one of us has had a kid screaming in.a store or inning loose and maybe we took a few extra minutes to gird our loins to wrangle the electric eel again and looked like we were doing nothing. You will feel that pressure to always be perfectly parenting your kid when other people are watching. So maybe five your SIL a little slack and hope that others are just as kind when you’re trying to wrangle a bored and energetic toddler/preschooler who doesn’t want to be in some place you felt you had no choice but to take him. It WILL be you one day in that checkout line or family function. And your kid won’t be a monster and you won’t be a bad mom. This is just how some days are at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I 100% get it’s annoying and with a newborn your protection instincts are in sicko mode so this all seemed way worse than it was. A 4 year old boy is a rowdy creature as you’ll discover when your newborn is this age. He was bored in a not kid friendly apartment and has no idea sticking his hands in a baby’s face isn’t okay. Yes your SIL should’ve corralled him better but he doesn’t sound THAT bad or abnormal.

The boy sounds pretty normal. His parents sound like permissive jerks. That’s reason enough not to have them over for a long time. Eventually the boy will e old enough to have a better sense of what’s appropriate behavior, even if his parents refuse to show him.

A lot of people can’t separate their feelings about the parents from the kids so they just say crap about the kid like “Terror” and “monster” like OP did. It’s clear she doesn’t like the SIL so she’s transferring that onto a 4 year old who is literally four and not responsible for this.

Op, again, totally get your frustration. I was a high maintenance FTM once myself who thought anyone who breathed near my precious newborn was inflicting massive harm upon me. But consider this: you will one day have a 4 year old. They will try and test you; 2-4 is a fun but EXHAUSTING age. You will appreciate a little grace extended your way those days you try and try but someone catches you in a less than flattering 5 minutes when you don’t look like a great mom. Every one of us has had a kid screaming in.a store or inning loose and maybe we took a few extra minutes to gird our loins to wrangle the electric eel again and looked like we were doing nothing. You will feel that pressure to always be perfectly parenting your kid when other people are watching. So maybe five your SIL a little slack and hope that others are just as kind when you’re trying to wrangle a bored and energetic toddler/preschooler who doesn’t want to be in some place you felt you had no choice but to take him. It WILL be you one day in that checkout line or family function. And your kid won’t be a monster and you won’t be a bad mom. This is just how some days are at that age.

You’ve nailed it. At first I was on OP’s side, but her later comments about this child shows that she dislikes him. People like this really bother me. They cry and whine about how they need empathy, but don’t reciprocate. I don’t expect her to have the same feelings for her nephew as she has for her child, but she’s made it pretty clear she won’t even try to establish some kind of relationship. I was also the overprotective FTM once upon a time, but OP’s antagonism is extreme and pretty clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I 100% get it’s annoying and with a newborn your protection instincts are in sicko mode so this all seemed way worse than it was. A 4 year old boy is a rowdy creature as you’ll discover when your newborn is this age. He was bored in a not kid friendly apartment and has no idea sticking his hands in a baby’s face isn’t okay. Yes your SIL should’ve corralled him better but he doesn’t sound THAT bad or abnormal.

The boy sounds pretty normal. His parents sound like permissive jerks. That’s reason enough not to have them over for a long time. Eventually the boy will e old enough to have a better sense of what’s appropriate behavior, even if his parents refuse to show him.

A lot of people can’t separate their feelings about the parents from the kids so they just say crap about the kid like “Terror” and “monster” like OP did. It’s clear she doesn’t like the SIL so she’s transferring that onto a 4 year old who is literally four and not responsible for this.

Op, again, totally get your frustration. I was a high maintenance FTM once myself who thought anyone who breathed near my precious newborn was inflicting massive harm upon me. But consider this: you will one day have a 4 year old. They will try and test you; 2-4 is a fun but EXHAUSTING age. You will appreciate a little grace extended your way those days you try and try but someone catches you in a less than flattering 5 minutes when you don’t look like a great mom. Every one of us has had a kid screaming in.a store or inning loose and maybe we took a few extra minutes to gird our loins to wrangle the electric eel again and looked like we were doing nothing. You will feel that pressure to always be perfectly parenting your kid when other people are watching. So maybe five your SIL a little slack and hope that others are just as kind when you’re trying to wrangle a bored and energetic toddler/preschooler who doesn’t want to be in some place you felt you had no choice but to take him. It WILL be you one day in that checkout line or family function. And your kid won’t be a monster and you won’t be a bad mom. This is just how some days are at that age.

You’ve nailed it. At first I was on OP’s side, but her later comments about this child shows that she dislikes him. People like this really bother me. They cry and whine about how they need empathy, but don’t reciprocate. I don’t expect her to have the same feelings for her nephew as she has for her child, but she’s made it pretty clear she won’t even try to establish some kind of relationship. I was also the overprotective FTM once upon a time, but OP’s antagonism is extreme and pretty clear.

Antagonistic how?! I barely know SIL’s child and am not close with her to begin with. Hrs not really my nephew (I mean sure, if you want to argue that point). But he was there before DH and I married and I never really spent much time with him after marriage aside from holidays.

WTF are you supposed to do if you only see IL’s at holidays and the interactions are brief at best? The whole you “marry the family” thing is not realistic, you don’t just become a family because the pre-existing family has had their entire life to form a bond and then a stranger essentially comes in with zero to little relationship with the rest of them and it takes time to build those relationships.

So no, I’m post partum and have young baby. Bonding with my SIL or her child is not high priority nor are they any less of it because we were never close to begin with. I probably would have been more interested had this visit gone better but it’s really not anything I have the desire to pursue for now.

[Anonymous]

We get it OP. Enjoy the bed you’re making right now with this attitude though. You will find the family isn’t interested when your kid grows up and you want them to care about milestones and birthdays. Your child will get exactly the same flippant and dismissive treatment you are giving.

[Anonymous]

We specifically avoid spending time with our nephew for the same reasons. He's the fourth child and whines non-stop (I literally have never heard the child speak in a normal voice). He's jealous of our kids, who are both younger than he is, so he's constantly either attacking them or trying to get everyone to pay attention to him, which is so tiring. He screams and yells when he knows they're napping. I could go on and on. My MIL and FIL are aware that we dislike him so we just plan to see them separately. My husband isn't close to his sister anyway and she is a super hands off (i.e. lazy) mom so she wouldn't do anything about him even if we did mention it more (we've mentioned it several times and neither of his parents will discipline him so it's up to us or my MIL/FIL, which is just exhausting and ridiculous).

[Anonymous]

Why are you calling your nephew your IL's kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you calling your nephew your IL's kid?

She already said she doesn’t consider him her nephew or her husbands family her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We specifically avoid spending time with our nephew for the same reasons. He's the fourth child and whines non-stop (I literally have never heard the child speak in a normal voice). He's jealous of our kids, who are both younger than he is, so he's constantly either attacking them or trying to get everyone to pay attention to him, which is so tiring. He screams and yells when he knows they're napping. I could go on and on. My MIL and FIL are aware that we dislike him so we just plan to see them separately. My husband isn't close to his sister anyway and she is a super hands off (i.e. lazy) mom so she wouldn't do anything about him even if we did mention it more (we've mentioned it several times and neither of his parents will discipline him so it's up to us or my MIL/FIL, which is just exhausting and ridiculous).

What you’re describing is very different to OP’s situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I 100% get it’s annoying and with a newborn your protection instincts are in sicko mode so this all seemed way worse than it was. A 4 year old boy is a rowdy creature as you’ll discover when your newborn is this age. He was bored in a not kid friendly apartment and has no idea sticking his hands in a baby’s face isn’t okay. Yes your SIL should’ve corralled him better but he doesn’t sound THAT bad or abnormal.

The boy sounds pretty normal. His parents sound like permissive jerks. That’s reason enough not to have them over for a long time. Eventually the boy will e old enough to have a better sense of what’s appropriate behavior, even if his parents refuse to show him.

A lot of people can’t separate their feelings about the parents from the kids so they just say crap about the kid like “Terror” and “monster” like OP did. It’s clear she doesn’t like the SIL so she’s transferring that onto a 4 year old who is literally four and not responsible for this.

Op, again, totally get your frustration. I was a high maintenance FTM once myself who thought anyone who breathed near my precious newborn was inflicting massive harm upon me. But consider this: you will one day have a 4 year old. They will try and test you; 2-4 is a fun but EXHAUSTING age. You will appreciate a little grace extended your way those days you try and try but someone catches you in a less than flattering 5 minutes when you don’t look like a great mom. Every one of us has had a kid screaming in.a store or inning loose and maybe we took a few extra minutes to gird our loins to wrangle the electric eel again and looked like we were doing nothing. You will feel that pressure to always be perfectly parenting your kid when other people are watching. So maybe five your SIL a little slack and hope that others are just as kind when you’re trying to wrangle a bored and energetic toddler/preschooler who doesn’t want to be in some place you felt you had no choice but to take him. It WILL be you one day in that checkout line or family function. And your kid won’t be a monster and you won’t be a bad mom. This is just how some days are at that age.

You’ve nailed it. At first I was on OP’s side, but her later comments about this child shows that she dislikes him. People like this really bother me. They cry and whine about how they need empathy, but don’t reciprocate. I don’t expect her to have the same feelings for her nephew as she has for her child, but she’s made it pretty clear she won’t even try to establish some kind of relationship. I was also the overprotective FTM once upon a time, but OP’s antagonism is extreme and pretty clear.

Antagonistic how?! I barely know SIL’s child and am not close with her to begin with. Hrs not really my nephew (I mean sure, if you want to argue that point). But he was there before DH and I married and I never really spent much time with him after marriage aside from holidays.

WTF are you supposed to do if you only see IL’s at holidays and the interactions are brief at best? The whole you “marry the family” thing is not realistic, you don’t just become a family because the pre-existing family has had their entire life to form a bond and then a stranger essentially comes in with zero to little relationship with the rest of them and it takes time to build those relationships.

So no, I’m post partum and have young baby. Bonding with my SIL or her child is not high priority nor are they any less of it because we were never close to begin with. I probably would have been more interested had this visit gone better but it’s really not anything I have the desire to pursue for now.

OP the more you comment, the less I like you. You aren’t special because you had a baby. Millions of women have babies every day and manage to be decent human beings. I’m not buying your post partum excuse either. It’s a way to justify your behavior. I think you’re jealous of your SIL because she had the grandson before you. You barely know this child but you’re portraying him as some terrible monster. You’re acting like you’re some innocent victim who’s been traumatized by a child. Grow up, FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I 100% get it’s annoying and with a newborn your protection instincts are in sicko mode so this all seemed way worse than it was. A 4 year old boy is a rowdy creature as you’ll discover when your newborn is this age. He was bored in a not kid friendly apartment and has no idea sticking his hands in a baby’s face isn’t okay. Yes your SIL should’ve corralled him better but he doesn’t sound THAT bad or abnormal.

The boy sounds pretty normal. His parents sound like permissive jerks. That’s reason enough not to have them over for a long time. Eventually the boy will e old enough to have a better sense of what’s appropriate behavior, even if his parents refuse to show him.

A lot of people can’t separate their feelings about the parents from the kids so they just say crap about the kid like “Terror” and “monster” like OP did. It’s clear she doesn’t like the SIL so she’s transferring that onto a 4 year old who is literally four and not responsible for this.

Op, again, totally get your frustration. I was a high maintenance FTM once myself who thought anyone who breathed near my precious newborn was inflicting massive harm upon me. But consider this: you will one day have a 4 year old. They will try and test you; 2-4 is a fun but EXHAUSTING age. You will appreciate a little grace extended your way those days you try and try but someone catches you in a less than flattering 5 minutes when you don’t look like a great mom. Every one of us has had a kid screaming in.a store or inning loose and maybe we took a few extra minutes to gird our loins to wrangle the electric eel again and looked like we were doing nothing. You will feel that pressure to always be perfectly parenting your kid when other people are watching. So maybe five your SIL a little slack and hope that others are just as kind when you’re trying to wrangle a bored and energetic toddler/preschooler who doesn’t want to be in some place you felt you had no choice but to take him. It WILL be you one day in that checkout line or family function. And your kid won’t be a monster and you won’t be a bad mom. This is just how some days are at that age.

You’ve nailed it. At first I was on OP’s side, but her later comments about this child shows that she dislikes him. People like this really bother me. They cry and whine about how they need empathy, but don’t reciprocate. I don’t expect her to have the same feelings for her nephew as she has for her child, but she’s made it pretty clear she won’t even try to establish some kind of relationship. I was also the overprotective FTM once upon a time, but OP’s antagonism is extreme and pretty clear.

Antagonistic how?! I barely know SIL’s child and am not close with her to begin with. Hrs not really my nephew (I mean sure, if you want to argue that point). But he was there before DH and I married and I never really spent much time with him after marriage aside from holidays.

WTF are you supposed to do if you only see IL’s at holidays and the interactions are brief at best? The whole you “marry the family” thing is not realistic, you don’t just become a family because the pre-existing family has had their entire life to form a bond and then a stranger essentially comes in with zero to little relationship with the rest of them and it takes time to build those relationships.

So no, I’m post partum and have young baby. Bonding with my SIL or her child is not high priority nor are they any less of it because we were never close to begin with. I probably would have been more interested had this visit gone better but it’s really not anything I have the desire to pursue for now.

Wow dude you are a piece of work. I hope you treat your child's with more kindness than you do others and hope that your DH helps teem bond with his family as you're clearly going to do Jack about it.

I totally embraced my husband's family as my own and despite not seeing each other often my young kids know and live their cousins and I even have relationships with some of them through Facebook. Kids only benefit from a wide network of family that love them. But that's clearly not your jam. Good luck to your baby coming into this world already at odds with people who were supposed to be their support system.

[Anonymous]

OP I had someone bring their little monster over when my baby was a week old. The problem I’d that the parents think his behavior is just fine obviously. So that puts you in the position of getting up running around disciplining their kid while they stand by and you are exhausted. Fun times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone raises kids differently but the trend of letting the kid do whatever they want and not correcting the behavior is going to lead to bad things down the road.

I know some will not like the example but it's easy to train a dog as a pup but if you let it poop in the house and jump on guests without correcting it, the dog will be that way for life.

That said, these are your H's family. You can't ban them. You can ask him to talk to his sibling. If he's unwilling, then you have the tough conversation. "Hey, I know everyone does it different and I'm not trying to tell you how to raise your child but we have a little one now and it's going to be confusing to our child to see your son behaving in a way our child isn't allowed to. Also, although domesticated, pets are still animals and when cornered, they will let instincts take over. I'd hate to see little Damien have to go to the hospital because he didn't understand how to safely behave around animals and how to treat them properly."

Mom of two boys here and, yes, the puppy training and "kid training" comparison is pretty accurate. But human children also mature and develop reason as they get older. They aren't necessarily doomed to be holy terrors forever, it's just easier on everyone if you are consistent with the discipline early on.

Allowing your little one to run amok in another person's house is just not a good plan.

I’m the mom of 3 with 2 boys from a couple posts up, and I think expecting any child to develop reason as they get older and improve their behavior is a big mistake. It’s great if they do start understanding things for themselves, but you need to run a tight ship from early on. Old habits die hard. If you want well behaved kids, it starts at literally one year old.

I agree. 4 year olds can be a handful but even with twins I would never allow them to do what this boy did. You do need to start early with some discipline or you will have a 6 year old holy terror on your hands.
OP is in an awkward position because she doesn’t know this boy or mom very well