Why do people have to use the phrase “ we don’t do...”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did I post this? At a 3yr old birthday today my friend had on a Batman shirt, and was pretending to be Batman and I mentioned how my son is obsessed with Batman right now and one of the moms quickly said “oh we don’t do super heroes, we stick to pbs, I hope this doesn’t limit his play with the other children.”

Ahem.

Super Grover.

Cough. Cough.

Grover is super, but he ain't no hero

Oh it’s on. I will not tolerate any slander against Grover. Not even on this necromanced thread.

[Anonymous]

I say it because we honestly don’t do it. Why are you offended?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh. To me it sounds a little less pretentious than saying, "I don't allow juice", which IMO implies that juice is bad. "We don't do..." sounds a little more casual and less passive-aggressively judgemental.

This. I tell my daughter “we don’t” because I’d rather not say “juice is bad for your teeth” since she’s totally going to repeat whatever I say in school and I don’t want it to sound judgy

Huh, I take the exact opposite approach. If I limit something I tell my kid exactly why. I don’t serve juice at home and limit sweets, and she’s knows it’s because sweets are delicious but bad for our health and teeth so we eat them in moderation. Why would it be bad for your kid to state that factual message?

I allow only a few minutes of TV a day while we brush teeth, only some old school claymation stuff. I don’t buy juice, don’t allow artificial dyes, organic only, all the annoying health clichés.

I allow my kid to watch or eat whatever when we are out of the house or at someone else’s. I view it as harm reduction, not some binary control thing. The social costs to your family and kids of being the judgmental weirdos are too high. If you generally eat healthy at home and are honest with your kids about why you make your choices but that other families make different ones for many reasons, I think it will all turn out ok.

Because she will state that factual message to every other four year old in her class and likely at every playdate and birthday party and then kids and adults will feel like they’re being judged. When her social awareness grows in a bit I’ll tell her the factual reason we don’t do juice. Until then I think it’s kinder on everyone to let them speculate that “we don’t do juice” means our family has a specific juice-related concern that isn’t a universal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just faster to say "we don't do TikTok" than to say "My husband and I don't use TikTok, nor would we allow Ellie to watch TikTok videos even if we did have it on our phones"

You and others are missing the point that it's the use of the word "do" instead of the actual verb that is grating and adds a layer of judgment.

Just say "we don't WATCH tv". Ellie doesn't DRINK juice. We don't HAVE TikTok accounts. Of course every family can set parameters and you have to communicate them. But just say the actual verb. Don't say "do" instead, and no need to add "allow/disallow" either. The kids who have TikTok and drink juice and watch TV are not "doing juice" or "doing TikTok" or "doing TV". No one would talk like that. So why phrase it like that in the reverse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh. To me it sounds a little less pretentious than saying, "I don't allow juice", which IMO implies that juice is bad. "We don't do..." sounds a little more casual and less passive-aggressively judgemental.

This. I tell my daughter “we don’t” because I’d rather not say “juice is bad for your teeth” since she’s totally going to repeat whatever I say in school and I don’t want it to sound judgy

Huh, I take the exact opposite approach. If I limit something I tell my kid exactly why. I don’t serve juice at home and limit sweets, and she’s knows it’s because sweets are delicious but bad for our health and teeth so we eat them in moderation. Why would it be bad for your kid to state that factual message?

I allow only a few minutes of TV a day while we brush teeth, only some old school claymation stuff. I don’t buy juice, don’t allow artificial dyes, organic only, all the annoying health clichés.

I allow my kid to watch or eat whatever when we are out of the house or at someone else’s. I view it as harm reduction, not some binary control thing. The social costs to your family and kids of being the judgmental weirdos are too high. If you generally eat healthy at home and are honest with your kids about why you make your choices but that other families make different ones for many reasons, I think it will all turn out ok.

Because she will state that factual message to every other four year old in her class and likely at every playdate and birthday party and then kids and adults will feel like they’re being judged. When her social awareness grows in a bit I’ll tell her the factual reason we don’t do juice. Until then I think it’s kinder on everyone to let them speculate that “we don’t do juice” means our family has a specific juice-related concern that isn’t a universal.

No one does juice. They drink it, or they don't drink it. "We don't drink juice."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh. To me it sounds a little less pretentious than saying, "I don't allow juice", which IMO implies that juice is bad. "We don't do..." sounds a little more casual and less passive-aggressively judgemental.

This. I tell my daughter “we don’t” because I’d rather not say “juice is bad for your teeth” since she’s totally going to repeat whatever I say in school and I don’t want it to sound judgy

Huh, I take the exact opposite approach. If I limit something I tell my kid exactly why. I don’t serve juice at home and limit sweets, and she’s knows it’s because sweets are delicious but bad for our health and teeth so we eat them in moderation. Why would it be bad for your kid to state that factual message?

I allow only a few minutes of TV a day while we brush teeth, only some old school claymation stuff. I don’t buy juice, don’t allow artificial dyes, organic only, all the annoying health clichés.

I allow my kid to watch or eat whatever when we are out of the house or at someone else’s. I view it as harm reduction, not some binary control thing. The social costs to your family and kids of being the judgmental weirdos are too high. If you generally eat healthy at home and are honest with your kids about why you make your choices but that other families make different ones for many reasons, I think it will all turn out ok.

Because she will state that factual message to every other four year old in her class and likely at every playdate and birthday party and then kids and adults will feel like they’re being judged. When her social awareness grows in a bit I’ll tell her the factual reason we don’t do juice. Until then I think it’s kinder on everyone to let them speculate that “we don’t do juice” means our family has a specific juice-related concern that isn’t a universal.

I guess I have faith my kids can handle nuance and so can others. I do not care at all if she tells people sugar is bad for you. Literally everyone knows it is. That’s not judgmental. We eat it too. I feel even at 4 kids can understand more than you are giving them credit for.

[Anonymous]

I hate "do" when people order too. "I'll do the Cobb salad."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did I post this? At a 3yr old birthday today my friend had on a Batman shirt, and was pretending to be Batman and I mentioned how my son is obsessed with Batman right now and one of the moms quickly said “oh we don’t do super heroes, we stick to pbs, I hope this doesn’t limit his play with the other children.”

I can relate to this, since the entire premise of so-called superheroes is they “fight” others.

At a minimum, this sends the message that violence is an acceptable response.

It is never the right response.

[Anonymous]

My parents used the phrasing of “in our family we don’t” and honestly it was extremely harmful to my siblings and me. The thing is that there is a difference between “as parents we don’t allow” and “as a parent I am speaking on your behalf and dictating your preferences” . As an adult I truly struggled to figure out what I liked and believed in and who I was because my parents were so engulfing and controlling. I was almost never allowed to have a preference which contradicted my parents’. It was like being in a cult. There is no “we don’t do” when the child is unwillingly dragged into your “we”. Did you ask him or are you just bossing him around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because parents of young children are nuts. Be patient, it often passes when the children get older.

so true.

These parent will often have life come up and slap them silly when their kid hits puberty. All of the sudden Junior isn’t quite the genius they bragged about or Larla isn’t the best hockey player to ever touch a ball. All the “brain food” they fed their kids because they “didn’t do” organic only will have proved to be for nothing. I have 4 kids and my youngest is 9, so just now starting to see it for the last time. I have to admit the same story played out with my kid’s peers as each went through puberty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh. To me it sounds a little less pretentious than saying, "I don't allow juice", which IMO implies that juice is bad. "We don't do..." sounds a little more casual and less passive-aggressively judgemental.

This. I tell my daughter “we don’t” because I’d rather not say “juice is bad for your teeth” since she’s totally going to repeat whatever I say in school and I don’t want it to sound judgy

Just curious how you came across and decided to revive this post from January 2019?

[Anonymous]

I am pretty restrictive but I own it and say “we don’t let them…” or “they aren’t allowed to…”

But that sounds controlling and the “we don’t do…” parents want to sound superior and cool instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did I post this? At a 3yr old birthday today my friend had on a Batman shirt, and was pretending to be Batman and I mentioned how my son is obsessed with Batman right now and one of the moms quickly said “oh we don’t do super heroes, we stick to pbs, I hope this doesn’t limit his play with the other children.”

I can relate to this, since the entire premise of so-called superheroes is they “fight” others.

At a minimum, this sends the message that violence is an acceptable response.

It is never the right response.

I'm sure you're trolling, but in any event, violence in defense of oneself or another is acceptable, both morally and legally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh. To me it sounds a little less pretentious than saying, "I don't allow juice", which IMO implies that juice is bad. "We don't do..." sounds a little more casual and less passive-aggressively judgemental.

This. I tell my daughter “we don’t” because I’d rather not say “juice is bad for your teeth” since she’s totally going to repeat whatever I say in school and I don’t want it to sound judgy

Huh, I take the exact opposite approach. If I limit something I tell my kid exactly why. I don’t serve juice at home and limit sweets, and she’s knows it’s because sweets are delicious but bad for our health and teeth so we eat them in moderation. Why would it be bad for your kid to state that factual message?

I allow only a few minutes of TV a day while we brush teeth, only some old school claymation stuff. I don’t buy juice, don’t allow artificial dyes, organic only, all the annoying health clichés.

I allow my kid to watch or eat whatever when we are out of the house or at someone else’s. I view it as harm reduction, not some binary control thing. The social costs to your family and kids of being the judgmental weirdos are too high. If you generally eat healthy at home and are honest with your kids about why you make your choices but that other families make different ones for many reasons, I think it will all turn out ok.

Because she will state that factual message to every other four year old in her class and likely at every playdate and birthday party and then kids and adults will feel like they’re being judged. When her social awareness grows in a bit I’ll tell her the factual reason we don’t do juice. Until then I think it’s kinder on everyone to let them speculate that “we don’t do juice” means our family has a specific juice-related concern that isn’t a universal.

Why is is "kinder" to have other families think she has "a specific juice-related concern that isn’t a universal." Other parents who give their kids juice KNOW that juice has sugar in it; they have just taken different approaches to when and how much sugar their kids can have. It is kind of condescending to think that a parent who gives their kids juice thinks you are judging them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh. To me it sounds a little less pretentious than saying, "I don't allow juice", which IMO implies that juice is bad. "We don't do..." sounds a little more casual and less passive-aggressively judgemental.

This. I tell my daughter “we don’t” because I’d rather not say “juice is bad for your teeth” since she’s totally going to repeat whatever I say in school and I don’t want it to sound judgy

Huh, I take the exact opposite approach. If I limit something I tell my kid exactly why. I don’t serve juice at home and limit sweets, and she’s knows it’s because sweets are delicious but bad for our health and teeth so we eat them in moderation. Why would it be bad for your kid to state that factual message?

I allow only a few minutes of TV a day while we brush teeth, only some old school claymation stuff. I don’t buy juice, don’t allow artificial dyes, organic only, all the annoying health clichés.

I allow my kid to watch or eat whatever when we are out of the house or at someone else’s. I view it as harm reduction, not some binary control thing. The social costs to your family and kids of being the judgmental weirdos are too high. If you generally eat healthy at home and are honest with your kids about why you make your choices but that other families make different ones for many reasons, I think it will all turn out ok.

Because she will state that factual message to every other four year old in her class and likely at every playdate and birthday party and then kids and adults will feel like they’re being judged. When her social awareness grows in a bit I’ll tell her the factual reason we don’t do juice. Until then I think it’s kinder on everyone to let them speculate that “we don’t do juice” means our family has a specific juice-related concern that isn’t a universal.

Wait - we are supposed to suppress facts because of how you might "feel?"


Sorry, not sorry. Facts matter.

And freedom of expression is ultimately more important than your feelings.