Hotel Charge on Husband's CC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I would like an update ... you doing OK?

+1 - hoping you're okay. Give us an update if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do some digging while you have a lead...as soon as you say something your access will be shut down. Get the best proof you can, think about options, and then confront.

This. This. This. Not a peep to him. It will be hard, but hold tight until you have more evidence. Is he suggesting another trip to "Baltimore?" Because now you know the deal, and you could even meet him at the Clinton hotel. That would be something. Anything hints/vague thing you give him now will drive this further underground.

Sigh. BTDT, so I totally get the urge that comes along with catching a (potentially) cheating husband. However, now being several years outside of a bs marriage that was littered with cheating, I must advocate for conserving your energy.


There is a rush that comes along with piecing together a liars tracks and doing fine detective work. However, if you know in your heart the only outcome will be you staying with him--what is the point? Doing all of the above PP's suggestions only makes sense if you will leave. Otherwise, conserve your energy.

I am a different PP upthread who also gave advice to do some detective work. I disagree that you have to know or make a decision about whether you woll stay or go before you spend time doing detective work. Even if you stay, knowing the real facts can be very helpful to structuring the terms of your staying. For example, I would not have insisted that my DH see a paychiatrist (as opposed to just doing couples counseling) nor would I have known to insist he stop drinking. He was unable to do either of those consistently, so I kicked him out. But, had I not known what to ask for (based on my detective work), it would have taken me years longer to understand his issues. While I could have left the moment I found out he was cheating, I feel look I would have looked baxk and asked "what if?" too much. Knowing what I did, I made demands that he get help, and extended him a period of time to pull himself together. Although that period was very difficult on me in the short run, in the long run, it was a huge benefit because I knew I had done the right things and I knew that our situation could not have tirned out differently.

I don't mean to suggest that everyone has to find out details about cheating - it is perfectly OK to leave a relationship based on lies or distrust whether or not you have proof of cheating.

I totally get what you are saying and I think it all boils down to what kind of cheater you have. IMHO most can't be rehabilitated. I spent years trying to rehabilitate mine.

Looking back I realize how much of a waste of time it was. I have logged so many hours cracking codes to cell phones, emails, calling females and comparing notes, crying and being stressed-- it really was not worth it. If you look at energy for what it is-- a gift-- you would chose to use it wisely.

I understand what you're saying, but I did it less because I truly believed he could be "rehabilitated" and more for myself. I wanted to have hard facts and certainty. I did not want to be vulnerable to gaslighting. I wanted to know everything I was dealing with instead of being trickle truthed. In my own moral universe, I felt, since we had kids, I owed it to them to give him a chance to heal himself. That he wasn't able to do it came as no surprise to me. I do agree that it took a tremendous amount of strength and emotional effort, and that I could have (and perhaps should have) ended things with him the moment I found the first piece of evidence and felt not one ounce of shame or regret about it.

[Anonymous]

OP mentions they haven’t had sex in over 6 weeks. He gets a free pass. No harm, no foul, it sounds like they are in a DADT marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP mentions they haven’t had sex in over 6 weeks. He gets a free pass. No harm, no foul, it sounds like they are in a DADT marriage.

Good God, reading is fundamental.

Did you happen to read where OP mentioned that HE'S the one that's been turning her down for sex for the past 6 weeks??

She mentions his low sex drive (unfortunately OP, I imagine he doesn't want to cheat on his mistress).

He gets NO free pass.

And what kind of a scumbag are you saying a guy should get a free pass because he hasnt had sex in SIX WHOLE WEEKS??

You sound like a real keeper, very mature & suave... Im sure women are just falling all over themselves to be with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP mentions they haven’t had sex in over 6 weeks. He gets a free pass. No harm, no foul, it sounds like they are in a DADT marriage.

What is DADT?

BTW - he's the one who doesn't want sex, not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP mentions they haven’t had sex in over 6 weeks. He gets a free pass. No harm, no foul, it sounds like they are in a DADT marriage.

What is DADT?

BTW - he's the one who doesn't want sex, not her.

I assume PP means “Don’t ask, don’t tell”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do some digging while you have a lead...as soon as you say something your access will be shut down. Get the best proof you can, think about options, and then confront.

This. This. This. Not a peep to him. It will be hard, but hold tight until you have more evidence. Is he suggesting another trip to "Baltimore?" Because now you know the deal, and you could even meet him at the Clinton hotel. That would be something. Anything hints/vague thing you give him now will drive this further underground.

Sigh. BTDT, so I totally get the urge that comes along with catching a (potentially) cheating husband. However, now being several years outside of a bs marriage that was littered with cheating, I must advocate for conserving your energy.


There is a rush that comes along with piecing together a liars tracks and doing fine detective work. However, if you know in your heart the only outcome will be you staying with him--what is the point? Doing all of the above PP's suggestions only makes sense if you will leave. Otherwise, conserve your energy.

I am a different PP upthread who also gave advice to do some detective work. I disagree that you have to know or make a decision about whether you woll stay or go before you spend time doing detective work. Even if you stay, knowing the real facts can be very helpful to structuring the terms of your staying. For example, I would not have insisted that my DH see a paychiatrist (as opposed to just doing couples counseling) nor would I have known to insist he stop drinking. He was unable to do either of those consistently, so I kicked him out. But, had I not known what to ask for (based on my detective work), it would have taken me years longer to understand his issues. While I could have left the moment I found out he was cheating, I feel look I would have looked baxk and asked "what if?" too much. Knowing what I did, I made demands that he get help, and extended him a period of time to pull himself together. Although that period was very difficult on me in the short run, in the long run, it was a huge benefit because I knew I had done the right things and I knew that our situation could not have tirned out differently.

I don't mean to suggest that everyone has to find out details about cheating - it is perfectly OK to leave a relationship based on lies or distrust whether or not you have proof of cheating.

I totally get what you are saying and I think it all boils down to what kind of cheater you have. IMHO most can't be rehabilitated. I spent years trying to rehabilitate mine.

Looking back I realize how much of a waste of time it was. I have logged so many hours cracking codes to cell phones, emails, calling females and comparing notes, crying and being stressed-- it really was not worth it. If you look at energy for what it is-- a gift-- you would chose to use it wisely.

That's too much energy. Amazon sells a fleet tracker with a magnet. People use them for many reasons, plus you can hide it somewhere he won't find it. OP needs to do this and sit back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you open his statement if you don’t usually open his mail?

Good thing she did....

[mselmer]

What happened? Please update us.

[Anonymous]

OP any update?

[Anonymous]

Bump, Bump, Bump

[Anonymous]

I think OP is now over at survivinginfidelity

[Anonymous]

Hire an investigator or figure out a way to see the hotel’s camera footage on the date of the charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never opened my husbands mail unless it's an utility bill of some sort; most of which are paperless. However, today his personal cc statement came in the mail and I opened it. Low and behold a hotel charge was on there from two weeks ago.

I remember this weekend as he came home early Sunday morning from hanging out with friends in Baltimore that Saturday night; the hotel was in Clinton, Md. We haven't had sex going on 6 weeks now, so my women's intuition kicked in and I now think he's had an affair.

How should I bring this up to him? I don't want to argue about it at this moment with all the other tension spewing in the home due to lack of sex, but I do want to get to the bottom of this somehow.

And before anyone says why aren't you guys having sex, I guess I know why although he does a low sex drive anyway.

He's an Aquarius so he stays to himself a bit and is unemotional so there really isn't any affection per se in our relationship so things pertaining to that have't been out of the norm.

I can't believe I'm writing a post about this after reading so many threads on this topic for the past 7 years. Lawd!

OP you owe it to yourself to at least contact a investigator to see if they can view the parking lot footage from that night.

Otherwise, pay attention. It's not normal for a spouse to stay out all night especially without a call. Did he actually meet some friends? You really don't know.

[Anonymous]

What kind of marriage does the guy not come home? No calls, plus OP didn't bother to find out where the heck he was.

Maybe a one night stand or an affair. I would get to the bottom of it at least so I wasn't blindsided.