Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister had a closed adoption and the birth mother was adamant she didn't want to be contacted. My sister took the Ancestry DNA test and found close relatives like cousins and siblings. She's been messaging them and they are upset, have no knowledge of the birth and don't want her to contact them. An older woman told my sister she had no right to do this. She has no way to message the birth mother directly.

Any advice? I think since it was a closed adoption she should only message the birth mother and not the rest of the family. My parents think this woman has no right to privacy in 2018 and her entire family should know about her teenage birth and don't care about any consequences if her children or husband or parents find out. I see both sides. I feel for this woman who was a young teen when she had the baby and chose adoption over abortion under the condition that it was a closed adoption. And then I feel for my sister who wants a new family.

Your sister made a huge mistake contacting family members of the birth mother. That alone would cause them to reject her. She does not get to decide whether or not they have a right to privacy. How does she know birth mother was not a victim of rape or incest? Privately contacting a birth mother is one thing. Outing her to family members and possibly her husband and children is another. Your sister is beyond selfish.

These relatives made the decision to be contacted by dna relatives WHEN THEY SIGNED UP FOR THIS SERVICE. You can’t opt out of maintaining your privacy and then get mad when you are contacted by people you don’t want to hear from...

And nor can the people being “heard from” force themselves on the other people. If they decline to talk, don’t want to hear, etc... it’s not up to you to tell your story to them.

Not to be rude, but this is one of those “she shouldn’t have been wearing that outfit” arguements. You know what’s welcome and what’s not. And your communication may not be welcome. No, it’s not your “right”.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine got a 'cease contact' order from a judge for something similar.

Now she just lightly stalks their social media accounts online. They know she exists. She just needs to give it time and let it go if that time keeps dragging without anyone contacting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

I agree. The adopted child should be grateful they were given life and a better family. That's all they're owed.

Not all kids go into better homes and get a better family. Some are great, some aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

It doesn’t diminish what adoptive parents did for their children for those children to want to find their birth family.

The reality is that the birth mothers were promised something that the modern world cannot actually provide. A permanently closed adoption where the children they put up for adoption will never be able to find dna related relatives. To act like people who have been adopted are villains for utilizing these commercialized tools to find their relatives (who btw opted into using these things) is just beyond dumb.

Literally no one is saying this. They are saying that the birth mother has indicated that she does not want to be contacted. The newly discovered blood relatives have indicated that they do not want to be contacted. Knowing that, the OP's sister should leave these people alone. OP's sister did nothing wrong in reaching out to them, but now that she knows they don't want to talk to her, she should respect that. And I say that as an adoptee.

Says right in the OP that an older relative freaked out and claimed that the sister had no right to message her....

NP, but I think having the ability and having th “Right” are two different things. You can have information and choose to tread respectfully. That’s not what these folks are doing. They feel they have the right to do anything they want, because they share DNA.

Most people wouldn’t want their MILs going through their night stand table, even though they share DNA with their DHs.

These people adopted under the understanding of privacy. I don’t understand why their requests and needs are no longer important, or considered.

Someone having the ability to send you a message on AncestryDNA is nowhere near the same as riffling through a nightstand. Just ignore it.

Of course the adopted under the understanding of privacy. But what are you going to do there are drawbacks to any technological advancement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

I agree. The adopted child should be grateful they were given life and a better family. That's all they're owed.

Not all kids go into better homes and get a better family. Some are great, some aren't.

And not all kids live with happy bio families. No one “owes” you the life you wish you had. You grow up and build your own life.,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

I think it depends on what the specific needs are. If you put a child up for adoption and say have a particular cancer that runs in your family or everyone in your family has a heart attack at 40 or something like that I think the adoptee’s right to get family medical history trumps the right to privacy. But if it’s just for socialization maybe not as much.

They can get that info from genetic testing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister had a closed adoption and the birth mother was adamant she didn't want to be contacted. My sister took the Ancestry DNA test and found close relatives like cousins and siblings. She's been messaging them and they are upset, have no knowledge of the birth and don't want her to contact them. An older woman told my sister she had no right to do this. She has no way to message the birth mother directly.

Any advice? I think since it was a closed adoption she should only message the birth mother and not the rest of the family. My parents think this woman has no right to privacy in 2018 and her entire family should know about her teenage birth and don't care about any consequences if her children or husband or parents find out. I see both sides. I feel for this woman who was a young teen when she had the baby and chose adoption over abortion under the condition that it was a closed adoption. And then I feel for my sister who wants a new family.

Your sister made a huge mistake contacting family members of the birth mother. That alone would cause them to reject her. She does not get to decide whether or not they have a right to privacy. How does she know birth mother was not a victim of rape or incest? Privately contacting a birth mother is one thing. Outing her to family members and possibly her husband and children is another. Your sister is beyond selfish.

These relatives made the decision to be contacted by dna relatives WHEN THEY SIGNED UP FOR THIS SERVICE. You can’t opt out of maintaining your privacy and then get mad when you are contacted by people you don’t want to hear from...

And nor can the people being “heard from” force themselves on the other people. If they decline to talk, don’t want to hear, etc... it’s not up to you to tell your story to them.

Not to be rude, but this is one of those “she shouldn’t have been wearing that outfit” arguements. You know what’s welcome and what’s not. And your communication may not be welcome. No, it’s not your “right”.

You are so incredibly gross to include an argument used to justify rape as being akin to contacting someone on a platform that they chose to join. Obviously, you have never been a victim of sexual assault or else you wouldn't have compared it to what is essentially receiving a Facebook message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

I agree. The adopted child should be grateful they were given life and a better family. That's all they're owed.

Or maybe it’s just a question of whether allowing someone to know their geneituc and birth circumstances is more important gam helping someone continue a lie. So much for the theory that people put their kids up for adoption to provide their children with a better life. Fro. This thread, it’s just about girls who get knocked up being able to sustain a secret (lie) from their family/community. These women are so friggin weak. Not to be able to share information with heir birth child because, years later, their world may collapse due to their lies. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister had a closed adoption and the birth mother was adamant she didn't want to be contacted. My sister took the Ancestry DNA test and found close relatives like cousins and siblings. She's been messaging them and they are upset, have no knowledge of the birth and don't want her to contact them. An older woman told my sister she had no right to do this. She has no way to message the birth mother directly.

Any advice? I think since it was a closed adoption she should only message the birth mother and not the rest of the family. My parents think this woman has no right to privacy in 2018 and her entire family should know about her teenage birth and don't care about any consequences if her children or husband or parents find out. I see both sides. I feel for this woman who was a young teen when she had the baby and chose adoption over abortion under the condition that it was a closed adoption. And then I feel for my sister who wants a new family.

Your sister made a huge mistake contacting family members of the birth mother. That alone would cause them to reject her. She does not get to decide whether or not they have a right to privacy. How does she know birth mother was not a victim of rape or incest? Privately contacting a birth mother is one thing. Outing her to family members and possibly her husband and children is another. Your sister is beyond selfish.

These relatives made the decision to be contacted by dna relatives WHEN THEY SIGNED UP FOR THIS SERVICE. You can’t opt out of maintaining your privacy and then get mad when you are contacted by people you don’t want to hear from...

And nor can the people being “heard from” force themselves on the other people. If they decline to talk, don’t want to hear, etc... it’s not up to you to tell your story to them.

Not to be rude, but this is one of those “she shouldn’t have been wearing that outfit” arguements. You know what’s welcome and what’s not. And your communication may not be welcome. No, it’s not your “right”.

You are so incredibly gross to include an argument used to justify rape as being akin to contacting someone on a platform that they chose to join. Obviously, you have never been a victim of sexual assault or else you wouldn't have compared it to what is essentially receiving a Facebook message.

Actually, I am the survivor of sexual assault. By my stepfather, then my stepbrother, and then a few others. I’ve actually experienced brutal assault requiring police. But hey.. make all the judgements you want. Maybe it’s becauae of that, I can understand /be empathetic to how violating this must feel.

I imagine the parents who have not signed up for Ancestry feel just as violated in having choices they’ve made “outed” to random cousins, due to no fault of their own. They’re just living their lives, and then someone comes to change their whole way of being. But apparent.ynits okay. That’s what so many of you are missing. The adoptive parents are NOT the ones being contacted. Adopting a child can be an incredibly private affair, whether due to rape, incest, young pregnancy, or hell.. birth control failure. These are no one else’s choices to examine, question, or judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

I agree. The adopted child should be grateful they were given life and a better family. That's all they're owed.

Or maybe it’s just a question of whether allowing someone to know their geneituc and birth circumstances is more important gam helping someone continue a lie. So much for the theory that people put their kids up for adoption to provide their children with a better life. Fro. This thread, it’s just about girls who get knocked up being able to sustain a secret (lie) from their family/community. These women are so friggin weak. Not to be able to share information with heir birth child because, years later, their world may collapse due to their lies. Pathetic.

Again, the women hold the burden. Forever. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

In an open adoption is the birth mom open with everyone for the rest of her life about having another kid who she gave up for adoption? Does she sit her kids down and tell them about a sibling she chose not to raise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister had a closed adoption and the birth mother was adamant she didn't want to be contacted. My sister took the Ancestry DNA test and found close relatives like cousins and siblings. She's been messaging them and they are upset, have no knowledge of the birth and don't want her to contact them. An older woman told my sister she had no right to do this. She has no way to message the birth mother directly.

Any advice? I think since it was a closed adoption she should only message the birth mother and not the rest of the family. My parents think this woman has no right to privacy in 2018 and her entire family should know about her teenage birth and don't care about any consequences if her children or husband or parents find out. I see both sides. I feel for this woman who was a young teen when she had the baby and chose adoption over abortion under the condition that it was a closed adoption. And then I feel for my sister who wants a new family.

Your sister made a huge mistake contacting family members of the birth mother. That alone would cause them to reject her. She does not get to decide whether or not they have a right to privacy. How does she know birth mother was not a victim of rape or incest? Privately contacting a birth mother is one thing. Outing her to family members and possibly her husband and children is another. Your sister is beyond selfish.

These relatives made the decision to be contacted by dna relatives WHEN THEY SIGNED UP FOR THIS SERVICE. You can’t opt out of maintaining your privacy and then get mad when you are contacted by people you don’t want to hear from...

And nor can the people being “heard from” force themselves on the other people. If they decline to talk, don’t want to hear, etc... it’s not up to you to tell your story to them.

Not to be rude, but this is one of those “she shouldn’t have been wearing that outfit” arguements. You know what’s welcome and what’s not. And your communication may not be welcome. No, it’s not your “right”.

You are so incredibly gross to include an argument used to justify rape as being akin to contacting someone on a platform that they chose to join. Obviously, you have never been a victim of sexual assault or else you wouldn't have compared it to what is essentially receiving a Facebook message.

Actually, I am the survivor of sexual assault. By my stepfather, then my stepbrother, and then a few others. I’ve actually experienced brutal assault requiring police. But hey.. make all the judgements you want. Maybe it’s becauae of that, I can understand /be empathetic to how violating this must feel.

I imagine the parents who have not signed up for Ancestry feel just as violated in having choices they’ve made “outed” to random cousins, due to no fault of their own. They’re just living their lives, and then someone comes to change their whole way of being. But apparent.ynits okay. That’s what so many of you are missing. The adoptive parents are NOT the ones being contacted. Adopting a child can be an incredibly private affair, whether due to rape, incest, young pregnancy, or hell.. birth control failure. These are no one else’s choices to examine, question, or judge.

Me too. There’s about 1 in 4 of us. Having someone expose a secret is nothing like someone violating your physical autonomy. So you are still gross and likely lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister had a closed adoption and the birth mother was adamant she didn't want to be contacted. My sister took the Ancestry DNA test and found close relatives like cousins and siblings. She's been messaging them and they are upset, have no knowledge of the birth and don't want her to contact them. An older woman told my sister she had no right to do this. She has no way to message the birth mother directly.

Any advice? I think since it was a closed adoption she should only message the birth mother and not the rest of the family. My parents think this woman has no right to privacy in 2018 and her entire family should know about her teenage birth and don't care about any consequences if her children or husband or parents find out. I see both sides. I feel for this woman who was a young teen when she had the baby and chose adoption over abortion under the condition that it was a closed adoption. And then I feel for my sister who wants a new family.

Your sister made a huge mistake contacting family members of the birth mother. That alone would cause them to reject her. She does not get to decide whether or not they have a right to privacy. How does she know birth mother was not a victim of rape or incest? Privately contacting a birth mother is one thing. Outing her to family members and possibly her husband and children is another. Your sister is beyond selfish.

These relatives made the decision to be contacted by dna relatives WHEN THEY SIGNED UP FOR THIS SERVICE. You can’t opt out of maintaining your privacy and then get mad when you are contacted by people you don’t want to hear from...

And nor can the people being “heard from” force themselves on the other people. If they decline to talk, don’t want to hear, etc... it’s not up to you to tell your story to them.

Not to be rude, but this is one of those “she shouldn’t have been wearing that outfit” arguements. You know what’s welcome and what’s not. And your communication may not be welcome. No, it’s not your “right”.

You are so incredibly gross to include an argument used to justify rape as being akin to contacting someone on a platform that they chose to join. Obviously, you have never been a victim of sexual assault or else you wouldn't have compared it to what is essentially receiving a Facebook message.

Actually, I am the survivor of sexual assault. By my stepfather, then my stepbrother, and then a few others. I’ve actually experienced brutal assault requiring police. But hey.. make all the judgements you want. Maybe it’s becauae of that, I can understand /be empathetic to how violating this must feel.

I imagine the parents who have not signed up for Ancestry feel just as violated in having choices they’ve made “outed” to random cousins, due to no fault of their own. They’re just living their lives, and then someone comes to change their whole way of being. But apparent.ynits okay. That’s what so many of you are missing. The adoptive parents are NOT the ones being contacted. Adopting a child can be an incredibly private affair, whether due to rape, incest, young pregnancy, or hell.. birth control failure. These are no one else’s choices to examine, question, or judge.

Me too. There’s about 1 in 4 of us. Having someone expose a secret is nothing like someone violating your physical autonomy. So you are still gross and likely lying.

You don’t even understand that this is more than a “secret” do you?

You are seriously lacking in empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

I think it depends on what the specific needs are. If you put a child up for adoption and say have a particular cancer that runs in your family or everyone in your family has a heart attack at 40 or something like that I think the adoptee’s right to get family medical history trumps the right to privacy. But if it’s just for socialization maybe not as much.

They can get that info from genetic testing.

There are a lot of conditions that tend to run in families where a specific gene has not been identified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister had a closed adoption and the birth mother was adamant she didn't want to be contacted. My sister took the Ancestry DNA test and found close relatives like cousins and siblings. She's been messaging them and they are upset, have no knowledge of the birth and don't want her to contact them. An older woman told my sister she had no right to do this. She has no way to message the birth mother directly.

Any advice? I think since it was a closed adoption she should only message the birth mother and not the rest of the family. My parents think this woman has no right to privacy in 2018 and her entire family should know about her teenage birth and don't care about any consequences if her children or husband or parents find out. I see both sides. I feel for this woman who was a young teen when she had the baby and chose adoption over abortion under the condition that it was a closed adoption. And then I feel for my sister who wants a new family.

Your sister made a huge mistake contacting family members of the birth mother. That alone would cause them to reject her. She does not get to decide whether or not they have a right to privacy. How does she know birth mother was not a victim of rape or incest? Privately contacting a birth mother is one thing. Outing her to family members and possibly her husband and children is another. Your sister is beyond selfish.

These relatives made the decision to be contacted by dna relatives WHEN THEY SIGNED UP FOR THIS SERVICE. You can’t opt out of maintaining your privacy and then get mad when you are contacted by people you don’t want to hear from...

And nor can the people being “heard from” force themselves on the other people. If they decline to talk, don’t want to hear, etc... it’s not up to you to tell your story to them.

Not to be rude, but this is one of those “she shouldn’t have been wearing that outfit” arguements. You know what’s welcome and what’s not. And your communication may not be welcome. No, it’s not your “right”.

You are so incredibly gross to include an argument used to justify rape as being akin to contacting someone on a platform that they chose to join. Obviously, you have never been a victim of sexual assault or else you wouldn't have compared it to what is essentially receiving a Facebook message.

Actually, I am the survivor of sexual assault. By my stepfather, then my stepbrother, and then a few others. I’ve actually experienced brutal assault requiring police. But hey.. make all the judgements you want. Maybe it’s becauae of that, I can understand /be empathetic to how violating this must feel.

I imagine the parents who have not signed up for Ancestry feel just as violated in having choices they’ve made “outed” to random cousins, due to no fault of their own. They’re just living their lives, and then someone comes to change their whole way of being. But apparent.ynits okay. That’s what so many of you are missing. The adoptive parents are NOT the ones being contacted. Adopting a child can be an incredibly private affair, whether due to rape, incest, young pregnancy, or hell.. birth control failure. These are no one else’s choices to examine, question, or judge.

Me too. There’s about 1 in 4 of us. Having someone expose a secret is nothing like someone violating your physical autonomy. So you are still gross and likely lying.

You don’t even understand that this is more than a “secret” do you?

You are seriously lacking in empathy.

Yes I’m the one that lacks empathy... that’s why I used the battle cry of rape apologists to make a point on an anonymous webpage!

Also i never made any reference to a secret that was someone else....I just responded because I was grossed out by you equating rape and receiving unsolicited messages