Reply to Boyfriend lets Ex write checks out of his account

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Boyfriend lets Ex write checks out of his account"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She will always be her first wife and the mother of his kids. If you can't deal with it break up.[/quote]

That's not the point.  The point is should your ex-spouse have access to your money.  OP has been in a relationship with Dad for 3 years and now living together.  He hasn't moved on from his first marriage.  Mom can front the money and dad can bank transfer, pay pal, what ever app or send a bank check within a few days if he agrees.  No reason for her to have access even though it sounds like she's responsible about it.  Personally I'd run fast.  I'd never move in with someone who will not marry me.  I married a guy with kids.  If ex needed extra money on top of child support and he agreed he'd immediately put a check in the mail.  Done.  It is her business if she plans to marry this guy and then things become shared.[/quote]

Divorced mom here.  Love your assumption "mom can front the money".  Frankly, it isn't my job to "front my husband the money".  He is a parent and he is equally responsible to pay for cheer camp by the due date.  If he wants to bank transfer, pay pal or whatever directly himself by the due date fine.  If it were my husband who did that, and he gave me checks to pay on his behalf, then I'd do it as a courtesy, but frankly, it's ME who's doing HIM the favor by freeing him of the administrative responsibility of bill paying on behalf of the kids.  If I didn't do it, then he's got to track and pay for stuff on his own -- it's not my responsibility to remind him.

FWIW, I don't have checks, and I am often left to pay for things for the kids and sometimes it takes my Ex a couple of weeks to pay me back.  Meanwhile I am accruing credit card interest by carrying his financial load.  It's not fair.

[/quote]

Your credit card doesn’t have a 30-day grace period? Do you routinely not pay your bill on time? How are you accruing interest in two weeks?[/quote]

Ahhh.  The sexism emerges.  Blame the victim.  It's her fault because she doesn't pay her bill on time.  Or it's her fault because she doesn't have enough cash to stretch to cover him.  It's not the fault of the person who doesn't pay his half on time, it's the fault of the one who deals with the consequences that flow from his failure.

I pay my bill regularly on time.  But, clearly you don't understand how a grace period works.  If you pay your bill on time *in full* every month, then the grace period applies and you will be able to charge something without accruing interest until the bill due date.  But, if you pay your bill on time but not in full every month, then there is no "grace period".  Each additional charge on a unpaid balance adds to the average daily charge and accrues interest.  Yes, I do use my credit card to pay for things I cannot afford in full -- like the unexpected $1000 car repair bill.  So, if I have to use my credit card to cover my exDH's bill, then I am accruing interest on his behalf.  Here are some other ways I have had to accrue interest because he didn't pay on time -- I took $$ out of my interest bearing savings thus losing my interest earnings, had to make an unplanned stock sale thus accruing a sales fee and trigger tax obligation, had to write a check that would be covered by my overdraft protection thus accruing interest, had to make cash withdrawals from my credit card, had to put a piece of jewelry down at the pawnshop in order to cover exDH when he failed to meet a large obligation for which I had to cough up the money same day (that was expensive).....

I earn enough to cover my share of the kids expenses.  I do not earn enough to unexpectedly cover Ex when he randomly pays late or reneges on a promise to pay.  (What am I going to do, take him to court over the $500 he refused to pay for DC's unexpected medical expense?  I'd pay ten times that in legal fees.)

Our child support agreement is clear, and it is the same arrangement that many, many parents have -- child support is a percentage of income.  On top of child support, Ex is required to pay half of -- sports or other kid activities (anything over $100 total for the year), half of medical copays, half of educational expenses, half of college.

[/quote]

You do realize if money is an issue, you say NO to your kids.  They don't need to go to a leadership thing or vacation with friends.  Its ok to say no.  It sounds like you aren't  managing your money well and blaming Dad.  Stock sales and car repairs have nothing to do with Dad.  It sounds like you need to do a major financial cut back. [/quote]

NP here - so your position is that if both parents have the funds cover their halves of the trip, but the parent who makes the arrangements can't advance the other parent's half to temporarily cover the entire cost, the kid shouldn't do it?  Even if both parents, in an amicable co-parenting relationship, have a procedure in place for the parent who makes all the kid's arrangements to have access to the other parent's funds to cover that activity?

You're an idiot.  [/quote]

You're an idiot.  If Dad is not paying promptly, maybe he doesn't have the money on top of child support and his living expenses.  So, if Mom decides child is going, tells Dad (doesn't ask) and demands the money promptly, she'll need to wait or advance it until he has the money.  As parents, if we cannot afford something, we say no.  Simple.  Kids don't need to go on vacations with their friends.  That is absurd if you cannot afford it.  If Mom wants a break, give the kids to Dad.  This poster is talking about luxuries, not necessities.  I know my husband didn't always have the money to cover every demand his ex made.  Everything was covered in child support but she'd always demand more.  What he did was never good enough.[/quote]

It's so interesting to me that some of the prior posters continue to assume facts not in evidence in my situation and don't read what I actually wrote.  Therein lies the sexism -- people will stretch anything they hear in order to cast the bioMom as a money grubbing woman in order to avoid criticizing a man for not doing his equal share of parenting in every respect.

To the person who said my kids don't need to go on vacation with friends -- I agree and I have said no to some things we couldn't afford (European vacation as a guest of a friend).  But, I gave that as an example of the kind of thing that crops up unexpectedly that might need to be paid quickly. I am blaming Dad for not coughing up his half of money in a timely fashion to things that HE HAS AGREED TO.  You mention that auto repairs and stock sales are my own problem.  But, my point was that when Dad doesn't pay in a timely fashion for things that HE HAS AGREED TO, then I need to use my money in a way that I hadn't previously planned.  That costs ME in various ways, which I illustrated.  I wouldn't have had to sell stock if Dad hadn't been late in paying  major obligation he is legally obligated to pay.  I don't have a problem putting major car repairs on my credit card, but if BioDad fails to pay something he promised and I have to also put his share on my credit card, it is not interest free to me as a previous poster assumed.

I am managing my money well and paying my share of kid-related costs on time every time, and I am frequently forced to float him for days or weeks.  99% of the times that I incur interest charges or late fees are due to the fact that BioDad did not pay on time what he is legally obligated to pay or agreed to pay. That comes at a high cost to me -- whether I have to upset financial investments or plans or I have to just assume that I have to keep a much bigger cash buffer to account for an unreliable co-parent.  I lose either way financially.

BTW, I never said I wanted a break, I said that because BioDad refused to do any custodial parenting, I am also paying a cost in terms of career and income. I can't "give my kids" to BioDad, because he doesn't want to do that parenting.  He would rather be available to go on a multi-week business trip, and he knows that if he commits to shared custody, he would be responsible for either turning down business trips, which would affect his career, or paying for alternative care arrangements, which would also mean $$ out of his pocket.  He doesn't do sick care or doctor visits, because that would force him to take time off work, which would cost him in terms of his career.  This is very common -- men shift the parenting work to women to preserve their own career and earning opportunities.

Why do I give the example of my situation?  To show OP that her husband is actually pretty responsible; he has found a reliable way to pay his fair share of kid-related expenses in a timely fashion, and she shouldn't criticize him for that. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics