Stopping caring saved my marriage

[Anonymous]

I don't know that I really agree with this line of thinking. Maybe my husband is more..malleable than many men? I wouldn't have thought so but my take on this kind of thing is that bottom line, I don't take crap. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I am going to get that treatment.

When we were first married, he did that thing many men do where they go to the grocery store and came back with a bunch of junk. Unh uh, sorry, your ass is going back to the store to get the real food we need. And yes I will ridicule you because you deserve to be. Thirty years old and you can't scan the cupboards to see what we need? Fucking no. He leaves his dirty dishes by the sink for me to clean or whiskers in the sink? I'm not your fucking maid, this is unacceptable, clean them now before you go to work. You thought I was going to do all the night wakings and take care of the kid by myself while you "baby sit" some times? No fucking way, I will divorce your ass over this. You're going to tell me you'll do some house project so we don't have to waste money on hiring it out but then not do it? Yeah I will inform you how childish and irresponsible that type of behavior. I'm not going to play nice about bullshit like that. Point blank, if you want to be with me, you will treat me the way I want.

We've been married over ten years, together for 15, and I've basically turned him into the husband and father I wanted for myself and my children. Don't take crap, ladies. You're better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree this is a super interesting thread.

So, on some level this is basically what I (and my husband, for that matter) do -- but not from a position of prior conflict or unhappiness. We love each other and get along well and enjoy each other's company. But we're both pretty self sufficient, and we don't particularly depend on each other for our own happiness. If he wants to do something that I don't, or vice versa, no big deal. We spend a lot of time in the same space but doing separate things. We make major decisions jointly, but I don't spend a lot of time seeking his approval and he doesn't seek mine either. We do what makes us happy. For us, the big challenge is making the time/effort to connect with each other, because we're both inclined to drift into our own orbits.

Yes, and this leads to disconnection! Ding ding ding! I still do it though, because you have to take care of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I really agree with this line of thinking. Maybe my husband is more..malleable than many men? I wouldn't have thought so but my take on this kind of thing is that bottom line, I don't take crap. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I am going to get that treatment.

When we were first married, he did that thing many men do where they go to the grocery store and came back with a bunch of junk. Unh uh, sorry, your ass is going back to the store to get the real food we need. And yes I will ridicule you because you deserve to be. Thirty years old and you can't scan the cupboards to see what we need? Fucking no. He leaves his dirty dishes by the sink for me to clean or whiskers in the sink? I'm not your fucking maid, this is unacceptable, clean them now before you go to work. You thought I was going to do all the night wakings and take care of the kid by myself while you "baby sit" some times? No fucking way, I will divorce your ass over this. You're going to tell me you'll do some house project so we don't have to waste money on hiring it out but then not do it? Yeah I will inform you how childish and irresponsible that type of behavior. I'm not going to play nice about bullshit like that. Point blank, if you want to be with me, you will treat me the way I want.

We've been married over ten years, together for 15, and I've basically turned him into the husband and father I wanted for myself and my children. Don't take crap, ladies. You're better than that.

What about things like date night and vacations? Seems to be a point of contention for many couples (the women want these things, men don't).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I really agree with this line of thinking. Maybe my husband is more..malleable than many men? I wouldn't have thought so but my take on this kind of thing is that bottom line, I don't take crap. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I am going to get that treatment.

When we were first married, he did that thing many men do where they go to the grocery store and came back with a bunch of junk. Unh uh, sorry, your ass is going back to the store to get the real food we need. And yes I will ridicule you because you deserve to be. Thirty years old and you can't scan the cupboards to see what we need? Fucking no. He leaves his dirty dishes by the sink for me to clean or whiskers in the sink? I'm not your fucking maid, this is unacceptable, clean them now before you go to work. You thought I was going to do all the night wakings and take care of the kid by myself while you "baby sit" some times? No fucking way, I will divorce your ass over this. You're going to tell me you'll do some house project so we don't have to waste money on hiring it out but then not do it? Yeah I will inform you how childish and irresponsible that type of behavior. I'm not going to play nice about bullshit like that. Point blank, if you want to be with me, you will treat me the way I want.

We've been married over ten years, together for 15, and I've basically turned him into the husband and father I wanted for myself and my children. Don't take crap, ladies. You're better than that.

Yikes. You sound like an abuser. I don't like you a whole lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I really agree with this line of thinking. Maybe my husband is more..malleable than many men? I wouldn't have thought so but my take on this kind of thing is that bottom line, I don't take crap. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I am going to get that treatment.

When we were first married, he did that thing many men do where they go to the grocery store and came back with a bunch of junk. Unh uh, sorry, your ass is going back to the store to get the real food we need. And yes I will ridicule you because you deserve to be. Thirty years old and you can't scan the cupboards to see what we need? Fucking no. He leaves his dirty dishes by the sink for me to clean or whiskers in the sink? I'm not your fucking maid, this is unacceptable, clean them now before you go to work. You thought I was going to do all the night wakings and take care of the kid by myself while you "baby sit" some times? No fucking way, I will divorce your ass over this. You're going to tell me you'll do some house project so we don't have to waste money on hiring it out but then not do it? Yeah I will inform you how childish and irresponsible that type of behavior. I'm not going to play nice about bullshit like that. Point blank, if you want to be with me, you will treat me the way I want.

We've been married over ten years, together for 15, and I've basically turned him into the husband and father I wanted for myself and my children. Don't take crap, ladies. You're better than that.

Yes, whenever someone pipes up with this - "I wouldn't put up with that" - it's really because you have a husband who is open to your influence and you haven't really had to. Your examples don't even scratch the surface. I see this with a lot of women I know. The ones who think they have "trained" their husbands had a husband who hasn't been that difficult to work with. And no, I don't really believe you would have divorced his ass over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I really agree with this line of thinking. Maybe my husband is more..malleable than many men? I wouldn't have thought so but my take on this kind of thing is that bottom line, I don't take crap. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I am going to get that treatment.

When we were first married, he did that thing many men do where they go to the grocery store and came back with a bunch of junk. Unh uh, sorry, your ass is going back to the store to get the real food we need. And yes I will ridicule you because you deserve to be. Thirty years old and you can't scan the cupboards to see what we need? Fucking no. He leaves his dirty dishes by the sink for me to clean or whiskers in the sink? I'm not your fucking maid, this is unacceptable, clean them now before you go to work. You thought I was going to do all the night wakings and take care of the kid by myself while you "baby sit" some times? No fucking way, I will divorce your ass over this. You're going to tell me you'll do some house project so we don't have to waste money on hiring it out but then not do it? Yeah I will inform you how childish and irresponsible that type of behavior. I'm not going to play nice about bullshit like that. Point blank, if you want to be with me, you will treat me the way I want.

We've been married over ten years, together for 15, and I've basically turned him into the husband and father I wanted for myself and my children. Don't take crap, ladies. You're better than that.

Yikes. You sound like an abuser. I don't like you a whole lot.

NP. Really? An abuser? Because she has high expectations for the way she should be treated? (i.e. not his mother or the maid?). I think more women should take a page out of that book. Your husband is a grown adult who is more than capable of taking care of himself and his family if you set the right expectations for that. Maybe he grew up coddled as a child but he can learn how to cook and clean now. I agree that men who "can't" make dinner or aren't trusted to go to the grocery store are completely ridiculous. A PP mentioned that her husband only cleans "his" dirty dishes. What? I would not put up with that either. And don't even get me started on fathers who see spending time with their children as "babysitting." That IS unacceptable, I agree with the PP on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I really agree with this line of thinking. Maybe my husband is more..malleable than many men? I wouldn't have thought so but my take on this kind of thing is that bottom line, I don't take crap. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I am going to get that treatment.

When we were first married, he did that thing many men do where they go to the grocery store and came back with a bunch of junk. Unh uh, sorry, your ass is going back to the store to get the real food we need. And yes I will ridicule you because you deserve to be. Thirty years old and you can't scan the cupboards to see what we need? Fucking no. He leaves his dirty dishes by the sink for me to clean or whiskers in the sink? I'm not your fucking maid, this is unacceptable, clean them now before you go to work. You thought I was going to do all the night wakings and take care of the kid by myself while you "baby sit" some times? No fucking way, I will divorce your ass over this. You're going to tell me you'll do some house project so we don't have to waste money on hiring it out but then not do it? Yeah I will inform you how childish and irresponsible that type of behavior. I'm not going to play nice about bullshit like that. Point blank, if you want to be with me, you will treat me the way I want.

We've been married over ten years, together for 15, and I've basically turned him into the husband and father I wanted for myself and my children. Don't take crap, ladies. You're better than that.

Yes, whenever someone pipes up with this - "I wouldn't put up with that" - it's really because you have a husband who is open to your influence and you haven't really had to. Your examples don't even scratch the surface. I see this with a lot of women I know. The ones who think they have "trained" their husbands had a husband who hasn't been that difficult to work with. And no, I don't really believe you would have divorced his ass over it.

NP. For expecting her to do all or most of the childcare? Yes many women DO struggle with that and yes it IS unacceptable! I can't believe anything thinks otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I really agree with this line of thinking. Maybe my husband is more..malleable than many men? I wouldn't have thought so but my take on this kind of thing is that bottom line, I don't take crap. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I am going to get that treatment.

When we were first married, he did that thing many men do where they go to the grocery store and came back with a bunch of junk. Unh uh, sorry, your ass is going back to the store to get the real food we need. And yes I will ridicule you because you deserve to be. Thirty years old and you can't scan the cupboards to see what we need? Fucking no. He leaves his dirty dishes by the sink for me to clean or whiskers in the sink? I'm not your fucking maid, this is unacceptable, clean them now before you go to work. You thought I was going to do all the night wakings and take care of the kid by myself while you "baby sit" some times? No fucking way, I will divorce your ass over this. You're going to tell me you'll do some house project so we don't have to waste money on hiring it out but then not do it? Yeah I will inform you how childish and irresponsible that type of behavior. I'm not going to play nice about bullshit like that. Point blank, if you want to be with me, you will treat me the way I want.

We've been married over ten years, together for 15, and I've basically turned him into the husband and father I wanted for myself and my children. Don't take crap, ladies. You're better than that.

Yes, whenever someone pipes up with this - "I wouldn't put up with that" - it's really because you have a husband who is open to your influence and you haven't really had to. Your examples don't even scratch the surface. I see this with a lot of women I know. The ones who think they have "trained" their husbands had a husband who hasn't been that difficult to work with. And no, I don't really believe you would have divorced his ass over it.

This! It's easy to say you would never put up with something and get a divorce. The reality is that the awfulness of divorce (and it ain't great) versus the awfulness of your marriage is sometimes influenced by your perspective and experience. It's easy to talk in the abstract.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel really betrayed and emotionally abused, because I was the complainer in the relationship. DH knew this, said he was okay with it, was very responsive to my feelings. Move in, married and all of a sudden it felt like he decided he didn't give a f*** about what I thought. That was not the marriage we created, not the one I signed up for. He expected me to change.

Now it seems taking this approach for me personally means I might be able to stay and be happy and not have the devestation of a divorce.

Why do you feel entitled to be a complainer? Seriously?! It's crazy. No one is responsible for how you feel but yourself. It isn't emotional abuse to shut out a complainer. If anything, it's probably healthier that they get to the root of their issue (why the complaining) than anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I really agree with this line of thinking. Maybe my husband is more..malleable than many men? I wouldn't have thought so but my take on this kind of thing is that bottom line, I don't take crap. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I am going to get that treatment.

When we were first married, he did that thing many men do where they go to the grocery store and came back with a bunch of junk. Unh uh, sorry, your ass is going back to the store to get the real food we need. And yes I will ridicule you because you deserve to be. Thirty years old and you can't scan the cupboards to see what we need? Fucking no. He leaves his dirty dishes by the sink for me to clean or whiskers in the sink? I'm not your fucking maid, this is unacceptable, clean them now before you go to work. You thought I was going to do all the night wakings and take care of the kid by myself while you "baby sit" some times? No fucking way, I will divorce your ass over this. You're going to tell me you'll do some house project so we don't have to waste money on hiring it out but then not do it? Yeah I will inform you how childish and irresponsible that type of behavior. I'm not going to play nice about bullshit like that. Point blank, if you want to be with me, you will treat me the way I want.

We've been married over ten years, together for 15, and I've basically turned him into the husband and father I wanted for myself and my children. Don't take crap, ladies. You're better than that.

Yes, whenever someone pipes up with this - "I wouldn't put up with that" - it's really because you have a husband who is open to your influence and you haven't really had to. Your examples don't even scratch the surface. I see this with a lot of women I know. The ones who think they have "trained" their husbands had a husband who hasn't been that difficult to work with. And no, I don't really believe you would have divorced his ass over it.

This! It's easy to say you would never put up with something and get a divorce. The reality is that the awfulness of divorce (and it ain't great) versus the awfulness of your marriage is sometimes influenced by your perspective and experience. It's easy to talk in the abstract.

Have you ever tried having a "Come to Jesus Talk" with your husband? You need to put it to him in direct terms: either you change for the better or I will leave. But I will not put up with this. I'm not your mother, I'm not your maid, I'm not the hired nanny and it is completely unacceptable for you to treat me as any of these things. Try turning it around on him. Would he be ok with you completely abdicating adult roles around the house? What if you stopped paying attention to the budget? How would he like that?

[Anonymous]

Thank yourself for all that you do. Teach your children to say thank you. Thank your spouse for what he does. That's a start.

Then, try to stop counting and comparing, as best you can.

Try gratitude, and yes--try detachment, if needed. Practice wonderful self-care. Let some eggs break.

Thank you all for this thread. I relate to so many of you. Be happy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I really agree with this line of thinking. Maybe my husband is more..malleable than many men? I wouldn't have thought so but my take on this kind of thing is that bottom line, I don't take crap. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I am going to get that treatment.

When we were first married, he did that thing many men do where they go to the grocery store and came back with a bunch of junk. Unh uh, sorry, your ass is going back to the store to get the real food we need. And yes I will ridicule you because you deserve to be. Thirty years old and you can't scan the cupboards to see what we need? Fucking no. He leaves his dirty dishes by the sink for me to clean or whiskers in the sink? I'm not your fucking maid, this is unacceptable, clean them now before you go to work. You thought I was going to do all the night wakings and take care of the kid by myself while you "baby sit" some times? No fucking way, I will divorce your ass over this. You're going to tell me you'll do some house project so we don't have to waste money on hiring it out but then not do it? Yeah I will inform you how childish and irresponsible that type of behavior. I'm not going to play nice about bullshit like that. Point blank, if you want to be with me, you will treat me the way I want.

We've been married over ten years, together for 15, and I've basically turned him into the husband and father I wanted for myself and my children. Don't take crap, ladies. You're better than that.

Yes, whenever someone pipes up with this - "I wouldn't put up with that" - it's really because you have a husband who is open to your influence and you haven't really had to. Your examples don't even scratch the surface. I see this with a lot of women I know. The ones who think they have "trained" their husbands had a husband who hasn't been that difficult to work with. And no, I don't really believe you would have divorced his ass over it.

This! It's easy to say you would never put up with something and get a divorce. The reality is that the awfulness of divorce (and it ain't great) versus the awfulness of your marriage is sometimes influenced by your perspective and experience. It's easy to talk in the abstract.

Have you ever tried having a "Come to Jesus Talk" with your husband? You need to put it to him in direct terms: either you change for the better or I will leave. But I will not put up with this. I'm not your mother, I'm not your maid, I'm not the hired nanny and it is completely unacceptable for you to treat me as any of these things. Try turning it around on him. Would he be ok with you completely abdicating adult roles around the house? What if you stopped paying attention to the budget? How would he like that?

+ 1

If a super frank conversation like this doesn't work, why would you WANT to be married to such a man who basically expects you to mother him and clean up after him? You can do better! There are a lot of men out there who act like responsible, grown adults who take care of their households and families because THAT'S WHAT ADULTS DO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I read the book "how to save your marriage without talking about it" and had several years of therapy to come to the same place as the OP of this thread. I am about to click over 15 yrs married, after letting go of getting mad at or caring what DH thought. He's not a bad guy, and I just decided one day to turn back into my marriage, do my best, and not get caught up in the passive aggressive drama my DH would create. OK, dude, if you only want to wash the dishes you dirtied, ok, but I am not doing your dishes and I will do my dishes on my schedule. I will clean the house on my schedule, and if you have a lower dirt tolerance than me, great, you clean the house. You aren't going to come to bed until 3am, OK, but if DC has a nightmare, she'll be in our bed instead of me in hers, because I don't have anyone to share a bed with anyway.

Not falling prey to the anger and frustration of not having the husband I want, I am letting my husband be who he is and living my life to satisfy me, and he can deal with it. I stop trying to please him and please myself within the bounds of self-respect and respecting him. It's working for us, particularly since one of our kids is struggling and DH and I are having to work together to help her.

Don't let him get to you, and enjoy what you have. Or get divorced. But don't live in the limbo of wanting something different than you have. That is toxic.

I agree. That lead me to an affair partner. It's so much easier to be married to someone who can't satisfy your needs if you take charge of getting them satisfied yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I really agree with this line of thinking. Maybe my husband is more..malleable than many men? I wouldn't have thought so but my take on this kind of thing is that bottom line, I don't take crap. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I am going to get that treatment.

When we were first married, he did that thing many men do where they go to the grocery store and came back with a bunch of junk. Unh uh, sorry, your ass is going back to the store to get the real food we need. And yes I will ridicule you because you deserve to be. Thirty years old and you can't scan the cupboards to see what we need? Fucking no. He leaves his dirty dishes by the sink for me to clean or whiskers in the sink? I'm not your fucking maid, this is unacceptable, clean them now before you go to work. You thought I was going to do all the night wakings and take care of the kid by myself while you "baby sit" some times? No fucking way, I will divorce your ass over this. You're going to tell me you'll do some house project so we don't have to waste money on hiring it out but then not do it? Yeah I will inform you how childish and irresponsible that type of behavior. I'm not going to play nice about bullshit like that. Point blank, if you want to be with me, you will treat me the way I want.

We've been married over ten years, together for 15, and I've basically turned him into the husband and father I wanted for myself and my children. Don't take crap, ladies. You're better than that.

What about things like date night and vacations? Seems to be a point of contention for many couples (the women want these things, men don't).

I guess we compromise on those things? He likes to eat out at nice restaurants (I like it too but less so), and I like to see movies and show,s so we do both: go out to eat then to a movie. We both like to go out with friends. We leave the kids at home probably 2-3 times a month on average. We also compromise on vacations. He likes to go the same place every year so we do that for him and then plan 2-3 other trips because I like to do that. But if I didn't, yes I would involve him. I would tell him that I don't think it's fair for him to put all the burden on me when he wants to do these things too and gets a lot out of it as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that I really agree with this line of thinking. Maybe my husband is more..malleable than many men? I wouldn't have thought so but my take on this kind of thing is that bottom line, I don't take crap. I deserve to be treated a certain way and I am going to get that treatment.

When we were first married, he did that thing many men do where they go to the grocery store and came back with a bunch of junk. Unh uh, sorry, your ass is going back to the store to get the real food we need. And yes I will ridicule you because you deserve to be. Thirty years old and you can't scan the cupboards to see what we need? Fucking no. He leaves his dirty dishes by the sink for me to clean or whiskers in the sink? I'm not your fucking maid, this is unacceptable, clean them now before you go to work. You thought I was going to do all the night wakings and take care of the kid by myself while you "baby sit" some times? No fucking way, I will divorce your ass over this. You're going to tell me you'll do some house project so we don't have to waste money on hiring it out but then not do it? Yeah I will inform you how childish and irresponsible that type of behavior. I'm not going to play nice about bullshit like that. Point blank, if you want to be with me, you will treat me the way I want.

We've been married over ten years, together for 15, and I've basically turned him into the husband and father I wanted for myself and my children. Don't take crap, ladies. You're better than that.

You sound angry and unhappy.