Let's admit our own 'bad DIL' moments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds so cheap, $4 is nothing

I'm the cookie PP. It had nothing to do with the money, come on now. It had everything to do with my little private retreat away from visitors.

Did I mention this was when we lived in a 500-sq foot, 1 bdrm condo and FIL refused to stay in a hotel 1 mile away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was a totally un-intentional mess up but here goes.... It certainly was a "bad DIL" moment.

DH's mother and father had an awful messy divorce when he was 20, and they have not spoken to each other since and both say nasty things about the other a lot (even though it's been 20 years now since the divorce). Neither knows that DH has a relationship with the other (both think that DH sided with them and is estranged from the other), and MIL is always saying things like "You're not talking to your father on the phone are you?" DH in fact has a relationship with both and we visit both and talk to both on the phone. Neither MIL nor FIL seems to have been able to move on from the divorce even though it's been 20 years already. For example, at our wedding, since MIL attended FIL refused to attend, etc. So they're just incredibly petty.

Anyhow, I had a family photo book made of some nice fall photos we got done with the kids, and I wanted to send one to MIL and one to FIL. I also wrote a very nice note with each photo book. Well, you can guess what happened.

Even though I checked the note name/address a zillion times before I mailed it, MIL ended up with FIL's note/book, and FIL ended up with MIL's note/book. I still have no idea how this happened. As you can imagine, when MIL saw this and "discovered" that we still have a relationship with FIL she was livid and didn't speak to us for a whole year. She still brings it up, 5 years later. DH was so mad at me. I still have no idea how this happened.

DH was mad at you for making a simple mistake when doing something nice for his crazy piece of work parents...surely he sees this is more their fault than yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the backlash, OP. My MIL and I have a very hard relationship due to her not understanding boundaries. Two big example of this are religion and family values. My Inlaws believe that my children must be taught to be catholic and attempt to teach this to my children through the threat of "if you do not believe, you will go to hell." As far as the family values, my MIL is stuck in a generation long ago and when my daughters talk about a career they would enjoy, my MIL will tell them something to the effect of "Well, yes, that will be fun until you meet your prince charming and settle down to raise your children." My DH and I do not agree with either view but no amount of talking with them over the years gets it to stop. So, I will admit that I did find it very amusing (and I truly enjoyed the moment) when my 17 year old daughter looked my MIL in the eye and told her "If your God would send me to hell even though I try very hard to do the right thing even when it's hard for simply questioning that what you believe, then I do not want to honor your God anyway." I also found it awesome and too funny when my 14 year old asked her if she would come to her wedding if she decided to marry a women instead of a man. I found the look on my MIL's face hysterical and had to leave the room for a minute.

Don't get me wrong, I talked to the girls and told them that although I shared their beliefs and agreed with the overall message they were sending her that they would never change her mind and sometimes we just need to ignore ignorant comments from others but secretly, I was very proud of my girls and enjoyed it. Maybe that makes me a terrible person but I am okay with that!

Your daughters are rude as hell. My kids would never speak to their grandparents like that.

new poster here, My kids would never even *see* such a grandmother. You are going to hell indeed!

[Anonymous]

Before we even got married, my MIL said that she wanted me to call her "Mom".
I said that I already had a mom.

In my defense, most women in my FOO did not call their MILs "Mom".

As you can imagine, it went downhill from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before we even got married, my MIL said that she wanted me to call her "Mom".
I said that I already had a mom.

In my defense, most women in my FOO did not call their MILs "Mom".

As you can imagine, it went downhill from there.

I have never, and will never, understand why a MIL or FIL would want to be called "Mom" or "Dad." Ew. You don't become someone's daughter when you marry their son. That would be, um, incest!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before we even got married, my MIL said that she wanted me to call her "Mom".
I said that I already had a mom.

In my defense, most women in my FOO did not call their MILs "Mom".

As you can imagine, it went downhill from there.

I have never, and will never, understand why a MIL or FIL would want to be called "Mom" or "Dad." Ew. You don't become someone's daughter when you marry their son. That would be, um, incest!

It is one thing to WANT to be called Mom or Dad, and quite another to say it out loud, thereby placing the DIL in the situation with no graceful exit.

[Anonymous]

And that's why I don't call my MIL anything. She would be angry and offended if I called her by her name. She wants to be called Mommy. I'm a middle-aged woman, not a three year old. I get that it's cultural blindness on her part, but she's lived in this country for forty years. Of course, she also hates me because a DIL from her country wouldn't do things as I do, but would apparently be her personal slave.

[Anonymous]

I'm the bad DIL. It's true! I was the victim for the first decade, and then I don't know, I became the abuser for the second.

In the beginning, when I was young, naive, and hopeful, she'd demand that I wasn't allowed on family trips (just her son and our kids), and I'd go along with it. She'd refuse to talk to me whenever she saw me (a non-immediate family who didn't know her rule that I wasn't allowed anywhere invited me) and I pretended I was fine with it, ignoring the fact that every sentence began "son, I want you to know" or "Son, this is only for your ears". She even banned me from attending her dad's funeral AFTER I flew all the way to Vancouver -- she said that she didn't tell me before because she wanted to guarantee that my husband and our children would come (he would have, but probably would have left the kids with me since it was just a weekend). So, I was left all alone the entire weekend as the entire family except for me went to the funeral, burying, service, and reception (at her brother's house) and then hung out the next day at her father's house (to start to divide the furniture -- I'm not kidding!) and eat.

I thought that if I gave her all the alone time with my husband and her grandchildren that she wanted, that if I did everything she told me to, that if I followed her rules, that if I turned the other cheek again and again, she'd eventually accept me.

Well, I started smarting up! I just simply started planning our vacations for the kids' breaks and she's never included. "It should be for immediate family only, as you always said, and you are an 'in-law'" (which is the exact language she always used to tell me!). When she calls and he's home, I tell her, "He doesn't want to talk to you -- you always taught him that he shouldn't want to share a conversation with the most important woman in his life with another woman, and since I'm the most important woman, he doesn't want to share the conversation we were having right now with you!" (Whenever she called & he asked if she wanted to talk to me, she'd say that and that he shouldn't even ask because "your mother should be the most important woman in your life and you don't share a chance to talk to her with another woman.") She is no longer invited to ANY of our family events (birthdays, confirmations, NOTHING) because she is an "in-law" (and that's NOT family, I tell her, as she used to tell me). I don't make her fly to DC though before banning her (that was just cruel!). At this point, I really can't remember the last time we saw her, my husband NEVER talks to her, and our children have no idea who she is (except as daddy's mother who never wanted mommy around so daddy doesn't want around anymore).

Her favorite thing to tell me what that my husband needed to visit her ALONE. Now, on the rare occasion she calls, I tell her that her son wants to be with me ALONE. She used to love to tell me to "lose weight" because she "cared" about my health. I LOVE telling her that I hear she looks awful and that I'm only telling her so because I care about her health! When I would say that I was hurt or ask how things could be better, she would say that I needed to see a counselor, because there was something wrong with me (and that she was saying that because she cared). Whenever I get a chance, I tell her to see a shrink because I care!

I'll never know why she was so mean to me. I'll never know why I put up with it (I was 25 when I got married and I just kept thinking that if I sent nice cards, nice gifts, and followed her rules, she'd accept my marriage). It's never really been my husband's fault -- he always asked if I was okay with it AND I always said yes. And, he knows she calls and really doesn't care that I don't want him to speak with her. It's like he was always apathetic. Which is EXACTLY like his dad (she is married, and her husband seems to just put up with her).

Here's the thing -- MAYBE if I was nice now, she would accept me (although I think that's delusional), but it's moot, because I don't want to be nice anymore. I finally no longer care if she accepts me! I love that I have the perfect excuse to exclude her because she was so mean. I don't want to see her and don't want my kids to see her. So, sometimes I'm secretly grateful that she was outwardly mean and that I know I put up with it and was so nice. I feel guilt-free, because I never call her to be mean (like she would to me), I never make her visit before banning her (she's banned before making a cross-country trip), and I make sure to only use the same language (or less harsh language) than she used on me. (Although, that last one seems moot, because she always says that she never said those things!).

The BAD one nowadays is 100% me! And she's the one with the raw end of the deal who's lost her son, her grandchildren, a kick-ass daughter-in-law, a thousand events, and a lot more. Karma's a bitch, psycho witch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad doing it, but I give some of the gifts my GIL gives me to Goodwill. I keep the ones I like and find to be useful, but I definitely give away most of the clothes/accessories.

I do this in part because I truly think she recognizes/knows my taste, she's just trying to "override" it. I like very simple, modern things. (If I'm choosing a sweater, for example, I choose a solid color, no print, in a plain knit with no pattern. If I'm choosing earrings, they will likely be very simple and small, no dangly/"complex" pieces.) She buys me thinks that are in her taste, like Vera Bradley bags or sweaters with patterns.

When I buy her gifts, I pick out things I think she will like. I feel like she just thinks my taste is boring, and she's trying to "jazz me up a bit."

I hate Vera Bradley with a passion. I don't know why MIL's think that is the go to gift? What's worse is it is not cheap stuff. I sell mine on eBay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the bad DIL. It's true! I was the victim for the first decade, and then I don't know, I became the abuser for the second.

In the beginning, when I was young, naive, and hopeful, she'd demand that I wasn't allowed on family trips (just her son and our kids), and I'd go along with it. She'd refuse to talk to me whenever she saw me (a non-immediate family who didn't know her rule that I wasn't allowed anywhere invited me) and I pretended I was fine with it, ignoring the fact that every sentence began "son, I want you to know" or "Son, this is only for your ears". She even banned me from attending her dad's funeral AFTER I flew all the way to Vancouver -- she said that she didn't tell me before because she wanted to guarantee that my husband and our children would come (he would have, but probably would have left the kids with me since it was just a weekend). So, I was left all alone the entire weekend as the entire family except for me went to the funeral, burying, service, and reception (at her brother's house) and then hung out the next day at her father's house (to start to divide the furniture -- I'm not kidding!) and eat.

I thought that if I gave her all the alone time with my husband and her grandchildren that she wanted, that if I did everything she told me to, that if I followed her rules, that if I turned the other cheek again and again, she'd eventually accept me.

Well, I started smarting up! I just simply started planning our vacations for the kids' breaks and she's never included. "It should be for immediate family only, as you always said, and you are an 'in-law'" (which is the exact language she always used to tell me!). When she calls and he's home, I tell her, "He doesn't want to talk to you -- you always taught him that he shouldn't want to share a conversation with the most important woman in his life with another woman, and since I'm the most important woman, he doesn't want to share the conversation we were having right now with you!" (Whenever she called & he asked if she wanted to talk to me, she'd say that and that he shouldn't even ask because "your mother should be the most important woman in your life and you don't share a chance to talk to her with another woman.") She is no longer invited to ANY of our family events (birthdays, confirmations, NOTHING) because she is an "in-law" (and that's NOT family, I tell her, as she used to tell me). I don't make her fly to DC though before banning her (that was just cruel!). At this point, I really can't remember the last time we saw her, my husband NEVER talks to her, and our children have no idea who she is (except as daddy's mother who never wanted mommy around so daddy doesn't want around anymore).

Her favorite thing to tell me what that my husband needed to visit her ALONE. Now, on the rare occasion she calls, I tell her that her son wants to be with me ALONE. She used to love to tell me to "lose weight" because she "cared" about my health. I LOVE telling her that I hear she looks awful and that I'm only telling her so because I care about her health! When I would say that I was hurt or ask how things could be better, she would say that I needed to see a counselor, because there was something wrong with me (and that she was saying that because she cared). Whenever I get a chance, I tell her to see a shrink because I care!

I'll never know why she was so mean to me. I'll never know why I put up with it (I was 25 when I got married and I just kept thinking that if I sent nice cards, nice gifts, and followed her rules, she'd accept my marriage). It's never really been my husband's fault -- he always asked if I was okay with it AND I always said yes. And, he knows she calls and really doesn't care that I don't want him to speak with her. It's like he was always apathetic. Which is EXACTLY like his dad (she is married, and her husband seems to just put up with her).

Here's the thing -- MAYBE if I was nice now, she would accept me (although I think that's delusional), but it's moot, because I don't want to be nice anymore. I finally no longer care if she accepts me! I love that I have the perfect excuse to exclude her because she was so mean. I don't want to see her and don't want my kids to see her. So, sometimes I'm secretly grateful that she was outwardly mean and that I know I put up with it and was so nice. I feel guilt-free, because I never call her to be mean (like she would to me), I never make her visit before banning her (she's banned before making a cross-country trip), and I make sure to only use the same language (or less harsh language) than she used on me. (Although, that last one seems moot, because she always says that she never said those things!).

The BAD one nowadays is 100% me! And she's the one with the raw end of the deal who's lost her son, her grandchildren, a kick-ass daughter-in-law, a thousand events, and a lot more. Karma's a bitch, psycho witch!

Wow. That's quite a story. I don't know where to begin.

Seems that your husband doesn't have an internal compass and does't care which woman (mother or wife) he spends his time with.

[Anonymous]

Whenever my MIL buys me anything, I write a thank you, and I put it immediately in the trash. When I pick it up, it makes me feel awful and I can't keep it. I don't know why. It's never nice enough to give to good will (once I got a paper bookmark, another time I got an ugly plate, another time I got old flowers).

She's never been outwardly mean to me, so I always feel guilty-guilty-guilty for throwing the stuff away (and I lie to DH about it, wrapping it with other stuff so he doesn't know). Something had always felt wrong about it, though, like she is getting a secret kick out it.

My last birthday present (the paper bookmark) came in a card that read "You are a smart DIL -- you married into my family". She didn't write happy birthday or sign her name. She wrote "Thank you for my hand and body creams, and all my soaps from L'Occitane" and then told my husband that she always writes me thank you notes and I never write her them (I always do right away and mail them, but she never gets them!). In any case, she has never once been mean to me and she always spoils everyone (last year, she and my FIL took my DH and DD to Paris for two weeks -- I couldn't go because I was 9 months pregnant, but she invited me -- she always includes me).

Anyway, I guess I'm an unappreciative DIL.

[Anonymous]

My confession is that I know my MIL finds me intimidating and I don't discourage that. I am not an intimidating person by nature, but am different from the rest of DH's family and so is DH - we have multiple degrees, professional well-paying jobs, are well read, like to go out for nice meals, etc. With DH, I know MIL struggles to find a comfort zone with him now that he is so 'changed' but with me, I can tell she just doesn't feel at ease around someone so different. The kind and compassionate thing would be to try to break down the barriers but honestly, I'm just polite and leave it at that. She has shown really bad boundary-crossing with her other DILs and I prefer to keep her intimidated so she behaves herself with me. It works. Sigh - I know. Gross.

[Anonymous]

I'm a bad DIL because I took her baby away from her (not like he hadn't been living in DC for years when we met) and the fact that I banned her boyfriend from our house for being a racist homophobe. Did I mention I'm not white??

[Anonymous]

My MIL (70) is obsessed with other people's ages.

My SIL is a decade older than my brother. This bothers MIL and she's very judgmental about it.

MIL never can seem to remember either one's age and frequently asks me, so as a mean little experiment, I feign momentary confusion and shave off a few years from both ages or forget that SIL had another (or five) birthdays!

[Anonymous]

Every time my FIL calls DH, he always has a "life-or-death" situation that my DH needs to answer right away (even if he's at work, at our Valentine's dinner, or on vacation!). The message will also be "call me back within 10 minutes or else" -- sometimes it's "or else I will cut you off" but normally it's "or else [I, your mother, your sister] will be dead". Poor DH is always in such a stress that we just decided to have all FIL calls forward to me, and I say matter-of-factly, "If you can't tell me what it is, than I will have to assume it only exists in your imagination and won't bother to tell DH that you called at all." Needless to say, he tells me. Last time he played this game, it was that someone he knew died almost TWO months ago. Ahhh. Now how do we handle it on vacation in December?