Reply to Let's admit our own 'bad DIL' moments

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Let's admit our own 'bad DIL' moments"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]I'm the bad DIL.  It's true!  I was the victim for the first decade, and then I don't know, I became the abuser for the second.

In the beginning, when I was young, naive, and hopeful, she'd demand that I wasn't allowed on family trips (just her son and our kids), and I'd go along with it.  She'd refuse to talk to me whenever she saw me (a non-immediate family who didn't know her rule that I wasn't allowed anywhere invited me) and I pretended I was fine with it, ignoring the fact that every sentence began "son, I want you to know" or "Son, this is only for your ears".  She even banned me from attending her dad's funeral AFTER I flew all the way to Vancouver -- she said that she didn't tell me before because she wanted to guarantee that my husband and our children would come (he would have, but probably would have left the kids with me since it was just a weekend). So, I was left all alone the entire weekend as the entire family except for me went to the funeral, burying, service, and reception (at her brother's house) and then hung out the next day at her father's house (to start to divide the furniture -- I'm not kidding!) and eat.

I thought that if I gave her all the alone time with my husband and her grandchildren that she wanted, that if I did everything she told me to, that if I followed her rules, that if I turned the other cheek again and again, she'd eventually accept me.

Well, I started smarting up!  I just simply started planning our vacations for the kids' breaks and she's never included.  "It should be for immediate family only, as you always said, and you are an 'in-law'" (which is the exact language she always used to tell me!).  When she calls and he's home, I tell her, "He doesn't want to talk to you -- you always taught him that he shouldn't want to share a conversation with the most important woman in his life with another woman, and since I'm the most important woman, he doesn't want to share the conversation we were having right now with you!"  (Whenever she called & he asked if she wanted to talk to me, she'd say that and that he shouldn't even ask because "your mother should be the most important woman in your life and you don't share a chance to talk to her with another woman.")  She is no longer invited to ANY of our family events (birthdays, confirmations, NOTHING) because she is an "in-law" (and that's NOT family, I tell her, as she used to tell me).   I don't make her fly to DC though before banning her (that was just cruel!).  At this point, I really can't remember the last time we saw her, my husband NEVER talks to her, and our children have no idea who she is (except as daddy's mother who never wanted mommy around so daddy doesn't want around anymore).

Her favorite thing to tell me what that my husband needed to visit her ALONE.  Now, on the rare occasion she calls, I tell her that her son wants to be with me ALONE.  She used to love to tell me to "lose weight" because she "cared" about my health.  I LOVE telling her that I hear she looks awful and that I'm only telling her so because I care about her health!  When I would say that I was hurt or ask how things could be better, she would say that I needed to see a counselor, because there was something wrong with me (and that she was saying that because she cared).  Whenever I get a chance, I tell her to see a shrink because I care!

I'll never know why she was so mean to me.  I'll never know why I put up with it (I was 25 when I got married and I just kept thinking that if I sent nice cards, nice gifts, and followed her rules, she'd accept my marriage).  It's never really been my husband's fault -- he always asked if I was okay with it AND I always said yes.  And, he knows she calls and really doesn't care that I don't want him to speak with her.  It's like he was always apathetic.  Which is EXACTLY like his dad (she is married, and her husband seems to just put up with her).

Here's the thing -- MAYBE if I was nice now, she would accept me (although I think that's delusional), but it's moot, because I don't want to be nice anymore.  I finally no longer care if she accepts me!  I love that I have the perfect excuse to exclude her because she was so mean.  I don't want to see her and don't want my kids to see her.  So, sometimes I'm secretly grateful that she was outwardly mean and that I know I put up with it and was so nice.  I feel guilt-free, because I never call her to be mean (like she would to me), I never make her visit before banning her (she's banned before making a cross-country trip), and I make sure to only use the same language (or less harsh language) than she used on me.  (Although, that last one seems moot, because she always says that she never said those things!).

The BAD one nowadays is 100% me!  And she's the one with the raw end of the deal who's lost her son, her grandchildren, a kick-ass daughter-in-law, a thousand events, and a lot more.  Karma's a bitch, psycho witch![/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics