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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Young teens having sex is not healthy.[/quote]

Young teens can have healthy sex or unhealthy and risky sex. Much the same way anyone can have healthy sex or unhealthy/risky sex. I don't think a blanket such determination can be made.

IMO healthy relationships, access to information, access to health resources, and a true understanding of informed consent are the necessary ingredients for having sex to be healthy. Not all people or all relationships are equal, and I certainly think it is possible for a teen to be having safe, healthy sexual relations.

Not that I did not say it was ever ideal. The only reason I believe it is inherently a bad idea for young teens to have sex, however, is the practical aspect of our laws. Frankly, I find our age of consent laws utterly ridiculous, and I wish our laws were more similar to the laws in the Netherlands. Were it not for U.S. law, I would say teen sex, like all sex, ought to be a carefully considered choice for each individual and couple.

To give my opinion on the question in the thread title, in an ideal or theoretical world, puberty. In the U.S. right now, any age before it is legal to be having sex with whoever the teen is having sex with, not because I believe the law has the right idea but simply because the potential consequences are just not worth it in our current justice system.

Theoretically and ethically, I do not believe it is best to tell the parent. I don't think it is truly anyone's business other than the people engaging in the sexual activity, unless there is good reason to believe it is nonconsensual sex. What I would ideally like to see is a legal and societal framework where kids in and after puberty have private access to all manner of healthcare, ranging from primary care to mental health care to care for sexual and reproductive issues. I would prefer it if methods of birth control were easily available to all people, including teens, and if legally teens could choose to involve their parents or other trusted adults in their medical care. I think parental notification laws and requiring teen patients to be accompanied to (any type of) medical appointments by their parents are inherently unethical. I don't think it is a parent's business whether or with whom their teens are sexually active, unless the teen chooses to share. In my case as a parent, one of my DDs told me as soon as she was considering becoming intimate with her BF, one told me a bit after the fact, and one told me only years later that she had been sexually active for a while. They always had access to birth control and regular appointments with the gynecologist regardless, and none of the kids appear to be having any problems resulting from having first had sex at a range of ages from 12 to 21. I always told my daughters that they were in charge of their bodies and that they were the ones to decide what to consent to... and IMO if this is going to work for empowering people to say no, it also needs to apply to choosing to say yes.

That said, that's all a theoretical answer to the question posed by the title, which I think is a bit different than the question in OP's situation. That question isn't "is the teen too young?" it is "do I need to tell the parents?" While I would argue against the morality, I think practically speaking yes, OP did need to do as she did and inform the parents.
The young lady didn't appear from OP's post to have had access to reliable sources of information about her sexual health and the choices she was making. The current legal situation doesn't really allow anyone other than the parents to truly step in and provide all the resources needed to make safe and informed decisions or see to the girl's medical care. The legal situation is potentially precarious for the young teen and older partner. And there is some minor possibility OP could become viewed as complicit in the situation if anything was legally off and she allowed it to go on when she had suspicions it was occurring.

Thus, although I truly think it is wrong to inform anyone about anyone else's sex life unless abuse is suspected, and although I believe it is wrong to restrict teen sexuality the way we do and especially to allow parents to be the ones to do so, I would reluctantly agree with the consensus on this thread for purely practical reasons.[/quote]

Thank you!

I don't necessarily agree that the onset of puberty should also mean the ability to consent (I was 8 when menstruation started...), but I do agree that kids need to be empowered to own their own choices and take responsibility for their health.  My mother started giving information early, way before we talked to peers or heard about things in school.  She was open to discussing any and all issues.  When she had a miscarriage when I was three, she explained that there had been a baby growing, but something happened and the baby died.  When she had her tubes tied when I was 4, she explained that our family couldn't support more than 3 children without depending on government assistance, and that she was taking precautions so that she could take care of all of us, herself included.  When I was 5 and asked about why more brother looked different than my sister and I, she explained sex, reproduction and taking care of my body.  We talked about the issues with pregnancies too close together (grandmother wasn't expected to survive when she was born), kids having kids (aunt who had a baby just after turning 15), violence while pregnant, and that every girl or woman has the right to say yes or no.  When I was in kindergarten, I answered questions that the teacher was forbidden to discuss, and kids went home to parents to talk; parents tried to have the teacher fired for not stopping the conversations, even though some happened on the playground.  When I started my period at 8, I knew what was happening, how to put a pad in my underwear, where my mother's tampons were if I wanted to try one, and that I could tell my mother without fear or embarrassment.  When I crushed on someone, I told her, and we discussed good and bad points of a relationship with that person, regardless of their age or gender, and I was told consistently that when I was ready, any protection I wanted would be available, just don't let myself feel pressured.  When a man thought I was 17-18 instead of 13 and tried to hand me a cup of beer at a party with family and friends, I didn't know until later that my mother was listening while I told him exactly what I thought of him; he was going after a girl who he knew was much younger than he was, he was trying to give beer to someone he knew was under 21, he was bringing an open container rather than a closed can which she could open and know wasn't tainted.  When I was raped at 15, I knew I could go to my mother, no shame, and I had immediate access to the morning after pill and I could have had an abortion, if I needed it.  The most interesting thing to me:  Of all the kids in my graduating class (small boarding school, yes, I know this as verifiable fact), there were three girls who hadn't had sex, and every single boy had had sex with at least two girls.  I was one of those three girls, and all three of us had parents who informed us, supported us, and encouraged us to take responsibility for ourselves.  One girl's parents told her that they were legally responsible for her bills and paying for her healthcare until she turned 18, but they also made sure that she knew that she would be the responsible party for a baby.  The other girl's parents were strict Catholics, and while they pushed abstinence and abhorred the idea of an abortion (my friend would never have considered it either), they made the point that birth control can be forgiven.  Now, yes, I encourage kids to abstain until they are sure that it's a healthy relationship that is going to last more than 6 months.  And when a 13 year old doesn't want me to go into the gynecologist's office with her, that's fine, I trust that she will talk to me.  When there are no secrets and kids don't feel like they have to hide, they are more likely to live up to the best that can be expected, not descend below a parent's worst fears.

With that said, this is about a 13 year old that is not OP's daughter, and a boy who may be 16 or 17.  My theory is usually that MYOB is the best policy, unless someone may be irreparably harmed, which is the case here.  I would talk to the girl first, because if she has the knowledge and access to be safe, I don't consider it her parent's business.  If she didn't have knowledge, I would provide it, and take the consequences if necessary.  If she didn't have access, I would find out why and try to rectify that, though there is a limit to what an unrelated adult may do about healthcare (providing condoms is the least important, imo).  As a last resort, I would talk to her parents.  As the age of the boy is in question, I would ascertain it first.    If he's 16, it's not a crime, but I would discuss the ramifications about dating someone significantly younger.  If he's 17, yes, it's a crime, and I would discuss the legal issues and let him have a chance the end the relationship.  Only if he didn't end it would I approach his parents.  By 16-17, he has had all the information required, and there is less understanding because the following year he would be an adult.  Yes, it's harsh, but he has to grow up and take responsibility for himself.[/quote]

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