I wish I had never become a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You say you moved to be close to family. Are they helpful? Is that an added stress. I ask because family added stress to my situation. I'm full of family who don't or won't understand my dc's issues and are of the mindset that my kid is just coddled. It's a joy.

Yes, they are helpful in taking him off our hands when we need a break. But I don't feel like I have anyone I can really talk to about this, because I get the same attitude I get upthread - "your attitude sucks." Oh okay, thanks for the support. I'm having a bad day and your solution is to make me feel worse about myself. THAT is not helpful. So I don't talk about it to them, but I do reach out to ask for sitting help when I need a break.

It is hard to find support. It's hard for all of us to find support. It's also hard not to judge what is perceived as hostility to your child. Your words and terse writing style definitely cause a reaction. I have a child like yours and had to battle the school system and family. I have dropped most of my friends who don't have kids with disabilities because I felt if I heard one more ignorant comment, I would lose it. The advice, oh god, the stupid advice made me want to tear my hair out. I avoided so many people, my life has become a game of avoiding people. It kills me when people at my sweet kid like he has cooties. Like another poster, my dc's anxieties have improved drastically with maturity and a change of meds. Things really and truly have gotten better.

Our kids disabilities are so different that it makes it hard to be understanding. I've seen a lot of one upsmanship with disabilities among parents too. You know, the "my kids not doing a playdate with yours because Larlo only has dyslexia" kind of thing. BUT when you have perceived disapproval know that you there quite likely was someone feeling sympathy or wanting to help who remained quiet. How could I show you support if I saw you in one of these tense moments? The people who stand there quietly often aren't judging. You probably have people around who don't judge you but have no clue what to do or say.

Good luck op. I've criticized some of your comments but I truly hope things get better and you find support. You and your dc deserve it.

How could you help? Instead of being quiet you could pull me aside and let me know that you understand. Seriously. Because the room full of people quietly and awkwardly avoiding me and my son breaks my heart. Especially if you are an adult and you should know better than to ostracize a little kid. I know I sound like a bitch on this thread but I am angry and I hurt for my kid and I want to scream at people who don't understand, don't want to understand, and don't care.

[Anonymous]

I have a child with SNs and a spouse who suffers from anxiety and depression. It's much harder living with another adult with those conditions. Truly for the sake of your family, please get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP, your reality and perceived stress is your attitude. It's not your kid. It's not your job. It's not your husband. It's 100% your attitude. Even on here you have an excuse for every possible solution people offer. You are playing the victim. My husband and I have the same two kids both with different SN. And while I have had hard days, he's taken it to such a dark place because of how poorly he copes and deals with the punches of life. And honestly, while they can be hard and intense and make outings seem terrifying at times, they are beautiful kids. My husband is learning to change his outlook on life and now we are much happier as a family. In many ways, he as a spouse with his poor coping skills was harder on me than the kids. We both work full time jobs too. For the same of not only you, but your husband, get help.

+1

You probably have anxiety and depression, OP. It runs in families.

I have two kids with anxiety/panic disorder and I have it, too. My kids sometimes freak out and melt down from seeing a swinging sign at the grocery store. You do your best and you make it work. You don't come up with a million ways you are a victim and blame everyone in the world. You decided to become a parent, so OWN IT and get out of your fantasy no-kids daydream.

Don't wait for a referral for a therapist. Find one on http://locator.apa.org/ and GO TODAY.

How many therapists have you ever found where you can get it same day? I've never had that luck.

Yes, I have anxiety and depression. And I deal with it as best I can. I am a fighter and do better than anyone else in my family ever did. And you know, that background is EXACTLY why in my 20's I said I never wanted to be married and have kids. And I should have been smart enough to listen to myself back then. Because now this. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Maybe it is. Maybe its how you approach your situation colored by your past regrets.

Did you ever address why your DH who contributes 30% couldn't be a SAHD, it wouldn't be that difficult to downsize 30% and you wouldn't need summer camp.

Well, yes I think it would. I did say we would have to sell our house. That we just bought two years ago. So I'd have to move my kid again. Which he hates and causes him more anxiety. When we moved, I didn't budget for years of continued therapy and meds and whatnot. Perhaps that was stupid of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have gotten a great deal of empathetic reactions here. So many of us understand.

But what is coming through consistently is extreme anger from you.

You need to address that. It is preventing you from benefiting even just from the goodwill here, let alone seeing any positives in your life.

Yes, I am angry. Is that a crime? I am angry that a whole team of doctors, therapists and counselors doesn't know how to fix this. I am angry that these supposedly educated people's best advice is "trial and error." I am angry that stupid uninformed people think it is their place to try and correct or comment on my parenting to my face or make comments about my child when he is standing RIGHT THERE AND CAN HEAR THEM. I am angry that I gave this poor child my stupid fucking genes and now he has to deal with this. And I'm angry at myself that I created this mess when I knew at 25 that I shouldn't.

OP I don't think your venting here or the other thread is doing you any good. If anything it seems to be escalating your agitation. If you are this distraught and it is simply oozing from you my dear, you need help and you need it now. Step away and call your DH, you need to talk to a professional about this, not argue with strangers on the internet.

This isn't about your son. This is about your own illness and your own regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you have anxiety and depression and have had it for a long time, why aren't you getting treatment?

I am. I believe I have said that. I am on Lexapro. I am seeking a therapist referral. We recently moved. I've had a lot on my hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP, your reality and perceived stress is your attitude. It's not your kid. It's not your job. It's not your husband. It's 100% your attitude. Even on here you have an excuse for every possible solution people offer. You are playing the victim. My husband and I have the same two kids both with different SN. And while I have had hard days, he's taken it to such a dark place because of how poorly he copes and deals with the punches of life. And honestly, while they can be hard and intense and make outings seem terrifying at times, they are beautiful kids. My husband is learning to change his outlook on life and now we are much happier as a family. In many ways, he as a spouse with his poor coping skills was harder on me than the kids. We both work full time jobs too. For the same of not only you, but your husband, get help.

+1

You probably have anxiety and depression, OP. It runs in families.

I have two kids with anxiety/panic disorder and I have it, too. My kids sometimes freak out and melt down from seeing a swinging sign at the grocery store. You do your best and you make it work. You don't come up with a million ways you are a victim and blame everyone in the world. You decided to become a parent, so OWN IT and get out of your fantasy no-kids daydream.

Don't wait for a referral for a therapist. Find one on http://locator.apa.org/ and GO TODAY.

How many therapists have you ever found where you can get it same day? I've never had that luck.

Yes, I have anxiety and depression. And I deal with it as best I can. I am a fighter and do better than anyone else in my family ever did. And you know, that background is EXACTLY why in my 20's I said I never wanted to be married and have kids. And I should have been smart enough to listen to myself back then. Because now this. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Maybe it is. Maybe its how you approach your situation colored by your past regrets.

Did you ever address why your DH who contributes 30% couldn't be a SAHD, it wouldn't be that difficult to downsize 30% and you wouldn't need summer camp.

Well, yes I think it would. I did say we would have to sell our house. That we just bought two years ago. So I'd have to move my kid again. Which he hates and causes him more anxiety. When we moved, I didn't budget for years of continued therapy and meds and whatnot. Perhaps that was stupid of me.

Okay and that might be tough to do another move, but then your son would have his parent and one on one attention. You'd have a break, because DH could deal with chores and dinner and appointments. You could focus on your career and maybe even increase your income. You could even go back to school at some point. Quit blaming yourself, please. Just think about it, you can spend 10 more years the way you are going or you can buckle down now and make a change that can really help your whole family.

[Anonymous]

LAY OFF THE OP!

Holy hell! Let her vent...she obviously needs it. And to all the sunshine mary janes out there NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE THAT.

The posts on this thread like that are the ones agitating her. If you want a sparkly rainbow thread go find another one. But let the woman vent!!!!!!!

Sorry OP but I cannot believe some the ridiculous responses on here. Goodluck and feel better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have gotten a great deal of empathetic reactions here. So many of us understand.

But what is coming through consistently is extreme anger from you.

You need to address that. It is preventing you from benefiting even just from the goodwill here, let alone seeing any positives in your life.

Yes, I am angry. Is that a crime? I am angry that a whole team of doctors, therapists and counselors doesn't know how to fix this. I am angry that these supposedly educated people's best advice is "trial and error." I am angry that stupid uninformed people think it is their place to try and correct or comment on my parenting to my face or make comments about my child when he is standing RIGHT THERE AND CAN HEAR THEM. I am angry that I gave this poor child my stupid fucking genes and now he has to deal with this. And I'm angry at myself that I created this mess when I knew at 25 that I shouldn't.

But this is life op. Cancer patients feel the same way that everything is trial and error. Medicine involves too much throwing darts at a dart board. I agree and sympathize. You are allowed to be angry. Can you take something outside and beat the crap out of it? Shut down the people who say things to you. Let the inner bitch fly. Anyone who tries to shush you should be shut down to. I'm sorry you blame yourself for this. You really shouldn't. When you feel stronger maybe apply your strong fighting spirit to fight FOR yourself. You are not at fault for this. It may very well be so much better in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP, your reality and perceived stress is your attitude. It's not your kid. It's not your job. It's not your husband. It's 100% your attitude. Even on here you have an excuse for every possible solution people offer. You are playing the victim. My husband and I have the same two kids both with different SN. And while I have had hard days, he's taken it to such a dark place because of how poorly he copes and deals with the punches of life. And honestly, while they can be hard and intense and make outings seem terrifying at times, they are beautiful kids. My husband is learning to change his outlook on life and now we are much happier as a family. In many ways, he as a spouse with his poor coping skills was harder on me than the kids. We both work full time jobs too. For the same of not only you, but your husband, get help.

+1

You probably have anxiety and depression, OP. It runs in families.

I have two kids with anxiety/panic disorder and I have it, too. My kids sometimes freak out and melt down from seeing a swinging sign at the grocery store. You do your best and you make it work. You don't come up with a million ways you are a victim and blame everyone in the world. You decided to become a parent, so OWN IT and get out of your fantasy no-kids daydream.

Don't wait for a referral for a therapist. Find one on http://locator.apa.org/ and GO TODAY.

How many therapists have you ever found where you can get it same day? I've never had that luck.

Yes, I have anxiety and depression. And I deal with it as best I can. I am a fighter and do better than anyone else in my family ever did. And you know, that background is EXACTLY why in my 20's I said I never wanted to be married and have kids. And I should have been smart enough to listen to myself back then. Because now this. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Maybe it is. Maybe its how you approach your situation colored by your past regrets.

Did you ever address why your DH who contributes 30% couldn't be a SAHD, it wouldn't be that difficult to downsize 30% and you wouldn't need summer camp.

Well, yes I think it would. I did say we would have to sell our house. That we just bought two years ago. So I'd have to move my kid again. Which he hates and causes him more anxiety. When we moved, I didn't budget for years of continued therapy and meds and whatnot. Perhaps that was stupid of me.

Okay and that might be tough to do another move, but then your son would have his parent and one on one attention. You'd have a break, because DH could deal with chores and dinner and appointments. You could focus on your career and maybe even increase your income. You could even go back to school at some point. Quit blaming yourself, please. Just think about it, you can spend 10 more years the way you are going or you can buckle down now and make a change that can really help your whole family.

He's not really ready to leave his career. Trust me when I tell you he would never get back in. It's not easy for a man to accept that. He is my hero as Mr. Mom, working PT from home and handling doctor's appointments and vet appointments and dry cleaning and many of the other shitty tasks of life. I don't really think he is willing to quit working completely, and I don't know that I want him to. It's not a good balance of power dynamic. WE work really well together. But this situation is throwing us for a loop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you have anxiety and depression and have had it for a long time, why aren't you getting treatment?

I am. I believe I have said that. I am on Lexapro. I am seeking a therapist referral. We recently moved. I've had a lot on my hands.

You keep saying how wonderful your DH is and I believe you. Do you believe you though? You sound like you are trying to take the weight of your entire world on your shoulders. Maybe you aren't leaning as much on your DH as you should. Maybe you need to let him take some of the slack up for you for a while, so you can get yourself right.

I'm so sorry, you sound like you are having such a rough time. However I do think you are only looking at the trees here and some really good posts have given you advice for the whole forest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He's not really ready to leave his career. Trust me when I tell you he would never get back in. It's not easy for a man to accept that. He is my hero as Mr. Mom, working PT from home and handling doctor's appointments and vet appointments and dry cleaning and many of the other shitty tasks of life. I don't really think he is willing to quit working completely, and I don't know that I want him to. It's not a good balance of power dynamic. WE work really well together. But this situation is throwing us for a loop.

I completely understand feeling that way. I really do. It might be a sacrifice that one of you has to make though and since you make the bulk of the income it would be best for you to continue working.

Have you talked to him about this? Who knows maybe it would relieve some pressure on him as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, you didn't "just move." You moved to be closer to family 2 years ago. If you need to switch houses to provide a better home environment for your son, then your DH and you really need to consider that option. Your kid doesn't care how big his house is, just that he is comfortable and loved. He is not comfortable and certainly can't feel loved when you are pulling him into a camp (that apparently terrifies him, hence his behavior) and oozing frustration and anger all over the place.

I can't imagine how it would feel to be a child, naturally anxious and suffering from ADHD, and know that my mother is constantly frustrated by me, angered by my actions, and has no problem telling strangers that she's thought about kicking the shit out of me.

Fine, you're getting help. Fine, you're on lexapro. Fine, you apparently can't afford extensive help(which, btw, you were stupid not to budget for...why would this situation get any better without continued help and therapy?). But you CAN get dad on board to stay home with this poor boy and give him a soft place to land at night.

I was so on your side until just recently. I just can't stand to think that your anger and frustration is this bad within your home on a daily basis. I ache for your son and DH too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LAY OFF THE OP!

Holy hell! Let her vent...she obviously needs it. And to all the sunshine mary janes out there NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE THAT.

The posts on this thread like that are the ones agitating her. If you want a sparkly rainbow thread go find another one. But let the woman vent!!!!!!!

Sorry OP but I cannot believe some the ridiculous responses on here. Goodluck and feel better!

Thank you. It's true. People keep asking what they can do to help. What you can do is be here and let me get it out of my system. No one lets you talk. You are never allowed to be angry or sad or scared or frustrated. If you betray any weakness people pounce on it. I left all of my closest friends behind to do what I thought was best for my son. It is lonely. And I know it will get better. But today just feels like shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you didn't "just move." You moved to be closer to family 2 years ago. If you need to switch houses to provide a better home environment for your son, then your DH and you really need to consider that option. Your kid doesn't care how big his house is, just that he is comfortable and loved. He is not comfortable and certainly can't feel loved when you are pulling him into a camp (that apparently terrifies him, hence his behavior) and oozing frustration and anger all over the place.

I can't imagine how it would feel to be a child, naturally anxious and suffering from ADHD, and know that my mother is constantly frustrated by me, angered by my actions, and has no problem telling strangers that she's thought about kicking the shit out of me.

Fine, you're getting help. Fine, you're on lexapro. Fine, you apparently can't afford extensive help(which, btw, you were stupid not to budget for...why would this situation get any better without continued help and therapy?). But you CAN get dad on board to stay home with this poor boy and give him a soft place to land at night.

I was so on your side until just recently. I just can't stand to think that your anger and frustration is this bad within your home on a daily basis. I ache for your son and DH too.

Yes, you're right. I was stupid to think that my four year old might grow out of this. I should have assumed that the way he was at 4 was how he always would be. I should have had my crystal ball. Stupid of me not to see the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you have anxiety and depression and have had it for a long time, why aren't you getting treatment?

I am. I believe I have said that. I am on Lexapro. I am seeking a therapist referral. We recently moved. I've had a lot on my hands.

You did not. You should be seeing a psychiatrist for YOUR medication management regularly and since it has been awhile since you moved and seen a doctor, your medication is obviously not working.

Anyway, this is your issue more than anything to do with your son